Advice for a Complicated Situation

[Arcon]

Hello All.

 

I've been thinking long and hard about my problem, and am unable to come to a satisfactory conclusion. So I'm hoping for a little advice.

 

I'm not even sure how to word this. Well, I'm self educated. I was a high school drop-out. But I was always a quick learner and I worked hard educate myself.

 

But my wife is very diffrent than I. I love her more than anything. But sometimes I feel like I'm just talking over her head. She misses out on alot of the jokes I tell, alot of the social comments I make, and she easily forgets things, whereas I have a very strong memory.

 

I don't want to be rude to her. But I don't know how to approach this without making her feel like I'm saying she's stupid. It's a very sensative topic for her already. She doesn't do well at college, so she thinks she might be stupid without me saying anything about our situation.

 

So I'm between a rock and a hard place. Any advice or thoughts are certainly welcomed. Thanks for your time.

[chai714]

But my wife is very diffrent than I. I love her more than anything. But sometimes I feel like I'm just talking over her head. She misses out on alot of the jokes I tell, alot of the social comments I make, and she easily forgets things, whereas I have a very strong memory.

 

Arcon,

She's your WIFE. You knew going into this marriage (I hope) that she may not have been the brightest kid on the block. You can't give her the gift of common sense, but you can help her with her studies. Ex. getting her a tutor (or helping her yourself) - anything that would help build her confidence and benefit her/your marriage would be something a husband SHOULD do.

[OceanEyes]

This is a very sensitive subject, because you're basically saying here that you wish your wife was smarter. I don't think there is any way to explain this to her, unless she's actually so mentally deficient that she didn't understand what you were suggesting.

 

Also, it's almost impossibe to 'teach' someone to be interested in education, politics, social issues, literature, art and the like. It's been my experience that either you're always thirsty for new knowledge, or you're happy with the status quo.

 

If she easily forgets things, then this can be part of the explanation as to why she isn't as sharp. The memory is probably the greatest asset to human intelligence that we possess - and without a strong one - how is one to remember the knowledge they incur? A bad memory can be treated with stimulating mental excersizes, or even modern herbs that are available these days, but there's no way that your wife will ever have a good memory if she never has.

 

As Chai has mentioned, didn't you know that your wife wasn't as clever as you would like before you married her? It just seems odd that after all this time and actually marrying her, that you would all of a sudden be irritated with her lack of a sharper intellect. Perhaps since you're always further educating yourself, you would like someone to share your knowledge with and be able to challenge you intellectually.

 

You could arrange for her to have a tutor, or even to take some night classes at university, but what would she have to say about all of this? Does she want to educate herself further? This all comes down to how she feels about her mental status, since if she doesn't feel it is as important as you do, there is no way she can force herself to learn. Learning isn't a predisposed act, it's something you actually have to want for yourself.

[Celadon]

Arcon, thanks for posting about your situation. I would say this: your wife's lack of intellectual acuity is NOT something I'd bring up with her. She's already trying her best, or so it seems, so if you tell her you're unhappy, it's not like she can do a whole lot to improve the situation. It'll just stress her out.

 

However, you might be able to help the both of you by working on her memory. This is something that can be improved by learning various techniques, etc. If she learned some methods of storing and recalling information, it might help her in college -- and by default, your relationship as well.

 

It might help to remember that people have different kinds of intelligence, too. Your wife may not have the breadth of knowledge or the cleverness that you do, but she could be talented in physical skills, emotional situations, music or art.

 

I know you love her deeply. I'm just saying that sometimes we get frustrated with people 'cause they're not equally skilled in certain areas we value. But we need to remember that we're not equally skilled in "their" areas either. The shoe could easily be on the other foot, with them coming to us saying, "You know, I wish you could play some musical instruments."

 

All I can say is, I know what you mean. Sometimes all we can do is offer our enthusiasm for something as a gift to the other person, not demanding that they "get it" but as a way of sharing with them. I hope some of this helps.

[Cadence308]

I agree with the comments others have posted. You probably knew going into the marriage that your wife wasn't the brightest cookie in the jar, however, she probably possesses talents or intellects that you, yourself are lacking. If your wife truly has a complex about her learning and memory there are things that she can learn to become more skilled in those areas. Getting a tutor for her college courses is a great idea. Most colleges offer some kind of "College Success" class, in which they teach students how to study and remember things.

Has your wife been tested for learning disabilities? She may be ADD and have problems focusing or concentrating and that could explain her inability to remember things. The fact that she is already self-conscious about her memory probably makes the situation worse. I would NOT bring up your issue of her intelligence with her.

It also sounds like you should work on your relationship with your wife. Taking a college course together in politics or pottery could be good for the two of you. If intelligence and brightness are some of the most valued things to you in a relationship you should have thought twice about marrying her, esp. since you are saying that her lack thereof bothers you.