How to break up when a) it's long-distance and b) I love him?

[laboheme]

He hasn't done anything wrong, like cheating, etc. I love him and care about him immensely, and just thinking about breaking up with him makes me want to curl up in a little ball and cry. I'm not sure who'll be more devastated afterwards.

 

So why do I think we need to break up? We both know that we have very different life goals that make us incompatible in the long run. As for the short run, well, we're sexually incompatible and we've had more than a few arguments about his sexual needs and my inability to meet them. Even though everything else is pretty much perfect, staying together doesn't seem like a good idea anymore. No point in dragging out it, right?

 

What makes things worse is that at the moment, it's a long-distance relationship. Because of our schedules and transportation options, he's always the one visiting me. How do you break up in that situation? Telling him on the first day of his visit will make the rest of the visit awkward. Waiting until the last day will make things harder because we'll have spent a few days enjoying each other's company. But it feels wrong to have the conversation over the phone/Skype/text.

 

And how do I even start the conversation? I've never been the dumper. I know that it hurts to be dumped. I know that I'll be hurting myself, too. Still, I know that breaking up with him will open me up to meeting someone with whom I am more compatible.

 

Help?

[Lithp]

If there's no way you feel you can work through the hurdles you guys are facing right now, then you should go ahead and end it without dragging it on.

 

Unfortunately because of your circumstances and being long-distance, it may mean you have to do it over the phone. Normally I find phone/text break-ups to be immature, but you don't have the option of easily seeing him face to face and then sending him off. The phone might be the exception in your case and to be honest, whichever means you use to say it isn't going to make it any easier for either of you.

 

You can call him and explain to him everything you just put here - let him know that you love him, but the relationship can't continue the way it is. Explain to him about the sexual incompatibility, the future plans that don't coincide with each other, but make sure you don't place blame. It's situational, and in order to be in a long distance relationship, you have to be very committed and secure with each other, which it doesn't sound like you are. Let him know that unfortunately the distance is just an added stresser and making it difficult to be able to work on the issues you have together.

 

There really isn't any easy way to break up with someone, and getting dumped isn't exactly a piece of pie either Better to just rip off the band-aid, as they say, and get it over as quick as possible.

[Stay_home]

Anyway to breakup is hard to do. Doesn't matter when, where or how it's done. But if you've come to the realization that it's 'over' and there's no fixing, then you have to do what you have to do.

[Mellie]

I was on the receiving end recently, 3 year relationship, finished by email. Didn't want to talk, didn't want to explain. The truth is, there is no nice way of doing it. It isn't a nice thing to have to do. But. I'd have had a lot more respect for him if he'd had the balls to ring me (which he ended up doing anyway because I wasn't letting it go without some form of explanation).

 

Ideally, face to face is best, but there again (and I was the one who always went to see him) it would have sucked to go all that way and be met with that. So I think phone is as good a way as any.

 

If you're in love with him though, and the relationship is generally a happy one, can't you try to talk through the issues? If it always ends in an argument when you try, well, that's a problem in itself, but it might be worth one last shot.

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to have someone travel many miles to face a breakup. I'd be kind enough to do it over the phone. Any 'rules' you might believe exist about this are arbitrary. Nobody else lives in your shoes, so nobody else gets a vote--do it the easiest way possible.

 

Head high, and hang in there.

[Pixby]

What exactly are the sexual needs that you're unable to meet? This fact strikes me as strange. If it's long distance, you only see him occasionally, right? So, you don't even want sex when that happens? In other words, does he want it too much or what?

[laboheme]

What exactly are the sexual needs that you're unable to meet? This fact strikes me as strange. If it's long distance, you only see him occasionally, right? So, you don't even want sex when that happens? In other words, does he want it too much or what?

 

Most people would probably consider my sex drive reasonable, and I don't recall ever turning him down for plain old sex. However, as a previous thread of mine reveals, he places too much emphasis on oral sex and treats it as something that he has an absolute right to -- every single day. I made an honest effort to meet him halfway and increase the frequency, but whatever I do, it's never enough for him. We've talked about it plenty of times; he's not willing to compromise, though he's "resigned" himself to being sexually unsatisfied. Mind you, no one else has ever accused me of being selfish in bed, and my girlfriends are amazed by how generous I am to him already.

[GaHeartbroken]

Have you two discussed and tried to work out the long-term goals you each have that are in conflict? Maybe after discussing things they could be worked out or compromised so both would be happy.

 

Have you talked with him about him finding other (non-cheating) ways to relieve his sexual frustrations? Or have you tired or is he able to be satisified with you relieving him in other ways?

 

Please make sure that this is what you want to do - sleep on it, think about it a few days, see if it can be worked out by discussions. I advice you to please, please, please not have him come visit you if it is just for you to breakup with him. I have recently been on the receiving end of a breakup, a week and a half after a visit, please don't put him through such a thing. If it has to happen, let him not have more closeness by a visit than what he already had with you, it's best for him to move on and begin the healing, as that will be difficult enough in itself.

 

If at the end of trying these things and the relationship needs to breakup, please treat him the same way you would want to be treated in ending a relationship.

[laboheme]

So it's a month later and I STILL can't do it! Okay, so I tried once -- in person -- and as soon as he understood my incoherent babbling to mean that I wanted to break up and got that sad look in his eyes, I started crying so hard that the whole idea went out the window.

 

Please, please, someone, knock some sense into me. I know I need to break up with him. He has no intention of doing anything with his life: he doesn't want a career, or even a regular full-time job. He's content working the kind of a job someone does in college and living like a college student -- but come on, he's in his early 30s. He lost touch with his old friends, doesn't care enough to make new ones, and -- worst of all -- thinks it's weird that I want to spend a lot of time with my gal pals. We fight all the time about my unwillingness to pleasure him multiple times a day, for a prolonged period of time; he seems to resent the fact that I stand up for my rights in that department.

 

What makes it so hard to break up with him is that he's generally a great boyfriend. He goes out of his way to find things that he knows I will like so that we can do them together, he always knows what to say if I'm feeling down, he'll do the chores and make me dinner when he knows I'm busy...All qualities that any good boyfriend would have, I suppose, but it's so hard to let go of that when you already have it. I'm afraid that if I end this relationship and start a new one with someone who doesn't have those qualities, I'll regret having thrown away something good.

 

I just wish I could be stronger and follow through with the breakup...Somebody, please give my behind a good swift kick!

[changeacomin]

Hi. My long term, long distance relationship broke up recently. He sent me an email, then we spoke on the phone. Honestly, it was the best way for it to happen, in my opinion. The email gave me time to cry, wail, fret etc. you name it, then I gathered myself together and I asked him to speak to me on the phone. When I spoke to him, I was pretty calm and managed to maintain my dignity. It was still tough, but I'm glad it happened that way.

 

I urge you to write him an email. That way you won't get your emotions in the way. If you write it in a kind way (as kind as you can under the circumstances) he'll have a chance to read it alone and "get his head round" what you're saying.

 

Good luck.

[Klokwurk]

Tell him it means a lot to you to be with someone with career goals. If he isn't daft he will get the hint.

[Angel Irulan]

Most people would probably consider my sex drive reasonable, and I don't recall ever turning him down for plain old sex. However, as a previous thread of mine reveals, he places too much emphasis on oral sex and treats it as something that he has an absolute right to -- every single day. I made an honest effort to meet him halfway and increase the frequency, but whatever I do, it's never enough for him. We've talked about it plenty of times; he's not willing to compromise, though he's "resigned" himself to being sexually unsatisfied. Mind you, no one else has ever accused me of being selfish in bed, and my girlfriends are amazed by how generous I am to him already.

 

Dump him, PDQ, no guilt! No man has the right to demand that you do anything sexually that you do not want to do! That's a bit like saying rape is okay in some cases. He's trying to guilt trip you, and I think you were a saint to put up with him this far.

 

Angel

[Angel Irulan]

PS Don't write a breakup letter, or email, ever. The old adage, "never send a letter, never throw one away" comes to mind. Do it by phone and make sure he knows it's over and that you want to do NC. And when he tries to contact you do not ever respond. In retrospect, there are a few letters floating out there that I really wish I'd never sent.

 

Angel

[EddieLB]

I'm in the same situation other than my biggest reason for the breakup is his ambition and financial situation at 57 years old, not good. We have been in a long distance relationship for 3 plus years and no end of that in sight. I am 10 years younger which is another concern for me. He is a great guy and very devoted to me in other ways but I am finding myself so frustrated and bored with the relationship. But I keep hanging on for some reason. Please tell me how your situation worked out, I know it was back in 2011 but maybe it will give me a push. Thank you!

[EddieLB]

I'm in the same situation other than my biggest reason for the breakup is his ambition and financial situation at 57 years old, not good. We have been in a long distance relationship for 3 plus years and no end of that in sight. I am 10 years younger which is another concern for me. He is a great guy and very devoted to me in other ways but I am finding myself so frustrated and bored with the relationship. But I keep hanging on for some reason. Please tell me how your situation worked out, I know it was back in 2011 but maybe it will give me a push. Thank you!