Help Wanted: What is meant to be will be?

[tuffguy247]

Hey Guys,

Im still a little new to the forum. Ive posted a thread before and have gotten many replies, but I wanted to try to change that topic into another one.

Quick Summary:

-Girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me

-Both Work in the Restaurant Industry

-We both Just Graduated and are Managers at different Restaurants

-She was little overwhelmed at work so she said she needed time for herself (Which is understandable)

-Its been 3 weeks now: she has called me twice and has open up the lines of communication.

-I havent tried to contact her other then sending her a card a couple days ago....I could of called her to see how she was doin but i send her a Funy card instead wishing her well at work etc.

- She texted me back and told me thank you and it was thoughtful of me

 

Heres the whole story if your interested...(It would help if you read this cause then you could get a better feel where we are) You might have to read through to see the updates too...Sorry

 

link removed

 

 

Ok enough of all that....My question is....If someone really loved you and knew they wanted to be with u for the rest of their lives....In a way dont u think that person wouldnt give everything up even if something were to come up? I mean my ex broke up with me....when up until the day off..she was tellin everyone and even me that she loved me soo much and she was lucky to have me and all that...and now with the new job she is just stressed freaked out and broke up with me. Ok I can understand that but as far letting it go a month without seeing each other and ok she did call twice but i think they were to only find out if i was doin ok cause her friend had told her that I prob wasnt....So i dont know we seem to be soo right for each other...but If we were so RIGHT..Dont you think she would be back already and wanting to work through our lack of time for each other? Dont get me wrong I work ALOT and i dont have time either...But like i said before..I want piece of mind and ill be happy....I can work through this and i can find time for my girl.

 

I know this was a weird post..But if theres anyone out there that can help...id appreciate it. Thanks to the others that have replied. Your advice hasnt gone unnoticed. Just lookin for some more insight.

 

Take Care Guys...Remember Chin UP

[phil1981UK]

I dont believe what will be will be, i believe you make things happen, you can make the difference between things going your way or not, dont leave it up to mystical forces, take action.

 

What action, well i dont like the word but "cunning" i spose covers it, if she needs space, take action to give her space, she'll think youve accepted it and may end up wanting you back, you took action you win.

 

Never leave anything up to "if we are meant to be together we will be", if she truly dosent want you, then there is nothing you can do and you must accept it. If she is still interested then take the right action and she will be yours... no question.

 

Good luck dude, dont sit back and hope, be fierce in your quest ;-)))

[makaw]

I think if someone truly loves you enough to consider being with you for the rest of your lives, there is nothing that should interfere with your relationship. If you were actually together, i.e. married, then things would pop up and be dealt with together.

 

If marriage, or a reasonable facsimile of it, is in your future then now is the time to bond with each other and get through the tough time together. You should be each other's "soft place to fall". You should be the person your partner turns to for support and strength, and vice versa.

 

Perhaps you are not at that point in your relationship, but I feel this is the type of relationship most of us are looking for. From my experience, if a crisis occurs and you do not turn to your partner for support and strength, there is some sort of problem with the relationship in the long run. Your relationship has only been 8 months, mine was years, so maybe this is not as significant an issue in a shorter relationship. But in the long run, it is telling, I think.

 

I do agree with the previous post to an extent. You have to work at any relationship to make it successful. Neglect will make any relationship a failure. However, if both parties are not as committed to the relationship as the other, then you'll be beating your head against a wall to make it happen. At some point, one has to face the issue head on and decide to either stay or let it go. To make that decision, look inside yourself and decide what exactly you need in a relationship. If you are not getting it here, then tell your partner what it is you need. If she is not forthcoming trying to meet your needs and you meet hers, then it's time to go.

 

Hope this makes some sense. Good luck.

[tuffguy247]

Thanks Guys for the Advice...Ok let me get this straight Waynerwayner... Im supposed to take some kind of action. Well I have take some kinda of action..I have given her space..Almost 4 weeks...Like I said she has called me twice. And i have done one thing to let her know that im still around. SO what kind of action can I do? Guys I truly fell in love with this girl ..she fit alot of what I wanted from a partner. Its just that we both just started our careers. So its almost like its NOT a terrible reason to ask for some time apart but at the same time shouldnt this be a time where its possible to back off and still be together. I dont know. I dont want to bring it up cause I dont want to be like that. I have done that in the past and I told myself to seriously back away and let her have her time. Cause I feel so strong about this girl that I am willing to do anything. But at the same time from what u said waynerwayner...I cant just sit there...So whats TOO MUCH and whats not enough u know. Thats where Im at in all of this...Guys like I said I really care for this girl. You have to remember we just started out our careers..shes in a big city and a high class hotel/restaurant..where as I work at a high class Private country club in the suburbs...So i know she wants to see the city more and I just hope she didnt wantt to do this cause she just wanted to be single cause thats not like her.. O well sorry for the long Reply...Advice is welcome...Thanks again everyone for Your time

 

Tuffguy

[tuffguy247]

Anyone else out there that can Help! I really dont know what to do or could do. Please Help

[Shidoshi]

I wish I could have found this post sooner, hopefully your still around. In my opinion you should just let this relationship go. She initiated the break-up, which means her interest in being with you is diminishing if its not already completely diminished. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she gave you the excuse that she is stressed out over work. Believe me, if she REALLY wanted to be with you she would make it happen. People sometimes try to spare others feelings in ways that almost hurts them more in the long run, especially when it comes to relationships.

[StrawTink]

i dont agree. sometimes people go through things in their lives and they are too proud to look to the one they love for help. they start getting scared and get cold feet. but, later they realise who really matters to them. there is no time frame on that i have been divorced and it took signing divorce papers and about 8 months after that before my exhusband started calling me wanting me back. but , by then i decided i was no longer happy with him. it takes different spans of time for different people. and if she truly loved you she will miss you. then she will say something as long as you keep that door of communication. right now you must be friendly but not appear to want her back. people need to chase and be chased. its one of the rules of attraction. be patient. let her figure herself out. if she never comes back don't worry someone better will show up. its about karma.

[Shidoshi]

Great reply StrawTink, and I agree with you to an extent. I can understand that there are many situations where a relationship can be become a bit strained due to outside factors, but how does pushing away your significant other improve anything unless they are part of the problem itself. Given the little information we have to go on about this issue, it sounds to me like more of an excuse rather than work related stress.

 

Question, was your divorce a mutual agreement or did either you or your exhusband initiate it?

 

Also, I'm not saying that he shouldn't be friendly or force her to make a decision, but he definitely needs to move on because like you said, "it takes different spans of time for different people." And who wants to sit around waiting on someone to make up their minds about a relationship thats supposed to be equal to both, especially in this instance where his g/f is saying that HE isn't the problem. In my experience, the statement "its me not you" always raises a red flag.

[chai714]

I see one immediate positive here and that's that you weren't together that long, so the healing process should be a somewhat speedy one. Now, to address your questions:

 

 

 

People change their minds, often times without letting the other person in the relationship know - until they, one day, break up with them. Only then is it known how they really feel. This sucks for the dumpee, and yes, I've been there.

 

 

 

 

Not necessarily. Being right for each other doesn't necessarily mean working things out right away. Unfortunately, it often times takes a breakup to learn anything about your relationship. It's difficult to get an honest assessment of a relationship while you're in it. It gets easier to assess it after a breakup though, because you're looking at it from a 3rd person point of view. Lack of time together wasn't the main problem in your relationship. There was something else missing.

 

From here, you should decide what you want. Do you want to get back together with her? It might not be a bad idea to help her with her anxiety disorder before you try to jump back in a relationship. Take the friendship approach and try to build from there. This approach puts no pressure on her or you.

[chai714]

By the way, I would like to add that there is no such thing as meant to be. The choices you make in your life directly affect your future. Meant to be, destiny, and astrology do not exist.

[tuffguy247]

Heres a little Update:

 

Im assuming you guys know the story so-

 

I found out from a friend( that ex works with and we are all good friends from colllege and they hang out alot) my ex is not only thinkin about things but she is kinda frustrated that when she talked to me on the phone it seemed like I didnt care. The only thing I can think of is that maybe Im being too fake when I talked to her..you know i was like a friend and not like all lovey dovey ..which she is used too. I was just being normal...like almost like she wanted me too. And i dont know if this is pre card era but she has to see that I care. And I did find out the reasons that she used for the breathier was in fact true...she was just overwhelmed and it wasnt cause of someone else. She isnt tryin to talk to anyone. So that has helped me soo much. The last thing I found out was that our friend...the one that my ex always hangs out with and talks too...Said it herself...She thinks we wil get back together. So that was reassuring.

 

I think this so called Break was more of a breathier and it wasnt as bad as I made it out to be. This time is just soo overwhelming for both of us. I talked to my good friend last nite and I know what I have to do. I have to just step up and be like Listen this is how i feel...what are u feeling and are u willing to work on this new stint of our relationship.

 

Well thats all i have to say for now. Thanks again for everything guys.

[chai714]

I have to just step up and be like Listen this is how i feel...what are u feeling and are u willing to work on this new stint of our relationship.

 

I wouldn't initiate the talk about feelings and the relationship if I were you. I would let her bring it up. It's a high risk move right now, as she and you are somewhat still emotional about the whole thing.

[Shidoshi]

tuffguy247 wrote

she is kinda frustrated that when she talked to me on the phone it seemed like I didnt care. The only thing I can think of is that maybe Im being too fake when I talked to her..you know i was like a friend and not like all lovey dovey ..which she is used too. I was just being normal...like almost like she wanted me too. And i dont know if this is pre card era but she has to see that I care.

 

I agree with Chai714, I don't think you want to initiate that conversation because you were not the one to break off the relationship, YOUR feelings are not in question here, you made it fairly obvious what you felt about her and the split. Her reaction to your non "lovey dovey" way of speaking to her is exactly what you want at this stage, let her explain her feelings towards you so that you can be sure this breather has helped. I know it seems like I focus on the negative, and I may be wrong, but know that I have had games played on me that I never even had a chance to compete with until I became "enlightened"

[tuffguy247]

Well Thanks for the Replies guys,

 

After talkin to my friend and finding out the info... i just took the initutive to just call her cause I felt in a way it was my turn cause If I was goin to show her that I can care.. a simple call would help that. It was just that a SIMPLE convo...we talked for a half hour and it was really really good...I had to end it cause she kept talkin. We hadnt talked for 3 weeks so we kinda had alot to catch up on. So we ended it good and said we'd talk to each other later and that was that.

 

The next day she had her day off and so i felt like Texting her..cause i forgot to say it when we were on the phone....Hope you are enjoyin ur day off, Have a good week ttyl...then she Texted me back..Thank you, Hope your having a good day at work HUN, talk to ya later. Guys this may not mean anything to u guys but she called me HUN. Im not gettin any ideas but I thought that was at least a good move. I know some of you would be against it. But like i said before she was frustrated cause I didnt sound like myself with her one the phone in the first couple of weeks of hte break up...BUT i changed that and went back to the way I had always talked to her and I think she saw that and liked that. I dont know.

 

I thought it was progress. I dont know

[chai714]

You have delivered some emotional fulfillment, and you've gotten very positive feedback. Now is the time to withdraw, and allow her to come toward you. Deliver, withdraw, repeat.