Making Sense of it All

[boswelc]

Here is my story. I dated this woman for a little over two months. I am 33 and she is 31 with a 4 year old son. Neither one of us has been married and the father is completely out of the picture. The time we shared together was absolutely amazing. We both felt this was the relationship we had been looking for. On several occasions she said I was the one, I am the first guy she has ever dated she would consider marrying, to looking forward to having a life together.

 

I do realize two months is not a long time, and things probably progressed way too quickly, but it was a mutual thing.

 

Then I get the bombshell. She tells me we both need to focus on ourselves right now and get to know each better. She says she is disgusted with herself and can’t stand being around happy people right now and it takes everything she has to get up and face the world. She goes on to say being with me just prolonged having to face herself. She apologized for being so screwed up, that she does loves me and just wants to be friends and see what the future holds. I told her I can’t just be your friend. My feelings are too strong, and I want a relationship with you and to be apart of your son’s life as well. Left it at that and said maybe I will see you around sometime. She went back into her house and cried for nearly ten minutes by the door.

 

All this occurred back in mid-July. Since then she has sent several texts asking if we could talk sometime. I finally caved in and she called. It was nothing more than casual chatter. The random, meaningless texts and FB comments have continued until I finally decided to request my things back last week in a very calm and tactful manner, which is only fair because she has quite a bit of my stuff. I wanted to subtly drive the message home that I am not her friend and perhaps create a sense of urgency or finality. She agreed, but said she is extremely busy over the next few weeks and I am sure we can figure something out. This kind of upset me a bit because it felt as though she was blowing me off. I don’t want to speculate too much, but maybe she is dragging her feet and not willing to let go just yet. I don’t know. Since then the FB comments and texts have ended. I think I need to lay low for the next few weeks with NC and see what transpires.

 

Ultimately, maybe she really does have issues she needs to sort out and doesn’t want to drag me along, but rationale also tells me if you really care about someone you are willing to let them help you with struggles instead of shutting them out of your life because we all have periods of darkness and tough times. I really do desire to be in her life, but logic tells me going down the friend path leads to further confusion and pain.

 

Any thoughts and suggestions?

[ForumGuy]

I think you are handling things in the best way possible. Her dragging her feet getting your stuff back sounds like she is not ready to let go yet. Definitely no friends like you are thinking. Just give it more time with NC, it is your best bet.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about all of this. I don't think you have much choice but to take her at her word. She's saying she has some issues to work through and needs to be alone. That's all you can do. You certainly have the right to not be friends with her. I really wouldn't recommend you stay friends. As people go through a process the size of what she's suggesting, you never know where they'll be when they come out the other side. She may still want you, but she may want to join a convent...who knows? After two months, why put yourself through it?

 

As far as her being busy over the next few weeks, it's hard to tell where she's at with that. She may be busy. She may be dreading the symbolism, or finality of the relationship ending. She may really need you as a friend and fears that you'll disappear once you get your belongings. All you can be sure of is she's trying to keep her options open. I guess you can't blame her for trying. Stick with NC, but don't get your hopes up for anything in the future. Someone with enough issues to walk away from what you described will take a serious length of time to get their life back together.

[boswelc]

It has been extremely difficult because I became attached to her son as well. Took him to his first baseball game, the beach for the first time, and he called me daddy as well. Of course she started crying when he said that. It was my first experience dating a woman with a kid and it was an awesome experience. When we were together she said I am her best friend and I understand her. So it is tough to completely turn my back, but I think for right now it is in my best interest. I have a really close female friend and she also thinks she is keeping her options open. In her words, "you are in the shopping cart, but she is not quite sure she wants to buy, but she doesn't want to completely lose you too."

 

What gets me, at one point she said she is envious of my sister (same age, 31) because she is married, has a family, and a career. I feel like saying wake up all that is staring you in the face.

[oldenoughtoknow]

We all have our past. After two months, you certainly couldn't have learned about all the baggage she's carrying with her. I think your comment "if you really care about someone you are willing to let them help you with struggles instead of shutting them out of your life because we all have periods of darkness and tough times," sums up where you're coming from very well. When she said "being with me just prolonged having to face herself," well, that summed up where she's coming from. She's not relationship ready. I wouldn't initiate any contact. If she contacts you, with a limit of once a week, I would keep my answers and the conversation short. Back yourself away to protect yourself, and get on with your life. If she works through her stuff and asks for a second chance in a few months, consider it a bonus. Right now, you need to do what's best for you.

[boswelc]

I think you are right. She isn't in a position to have a committed relationship, but she should have thought about that before she became involved with me, especially with her son involved. I do respect that she didn't not drag things out any longer than necessary.

[boswelc]

Speaking of the devil, she just text me "Hey so I was curious, what did you want to get from here? She is referring to my previous request to pick some of my things up from her place. What is the best course of action here? Do I respond or let it go for now?

[oldenoughtoknow]

I would text her the list of things you want back, but don't engage in any chit chat. Stand firm on not wanting to be friends. Let her know she can't have both. Don't think of this as a punishment, or trick to get her back, but as self-preservation. All you can be sure of right now, is that you have to move on with your life.

[boswelc]

I would text her the list of things you want back, but don't engage in any chit chat. Stand firm on not wanting to be friends. Let her know she can't have both. Don't think of this as a punishment, or trick to get her back, but as self-preservation. All you can be sure of right now, is that you have to move on with your life.

 

You read my mind. She called and left two voice messages the following day asking if I received her text message, and basically reiterating the same message about being curious of the things I want from her. I finally responded with a text listing the things I want back. She responded with a condescending text stating, "You forgot about the picture in my bathroom!!!" Yes, I think the three exclamations points sum it up. She is angry that I am actually following through with my word and perhaps she isn't getting her way of keeping me around at her convenience. I did respond saying you can keep the picture it ties your bathroom together. That was it!

 

Looking back she made some comments about always being chased by men and how she intimates a lot of men. Well, I think for the first time in her life she met a man (me) who is neither intimated by her or willing to chase her to the point I lose my self-respect. I don't think she knows how to process that, but at this juncture it is not my problem.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Well done. This was all her idea, and now she's learning to live by her decisions. Why, look at that - she's working on herself already.

[boswelc]

I am really good with everything for the first time in weeks. I feel as though I have regained control of my own destiny. I am done being a pushover. Just moving on! Heck, if she decides she wants to be apart of my life then great! Either way, I am good!

[boswelc]

She is really amazing. I haven't talked to her since sending her a text listing the things I want back, then this! So, I made a post on FB wall saying "I want to look into taking a photography class just for my own benefit. What the hell, I have nothing to lose." She replied with a nasty message on my wall saying it is not just about point and shoot and she goes into all the details. Then she went on to attack my faith because I used the word "hell" in my original post. That did it for me. I called her and told her never attack my faith again in a public forum like that. I asked for my things back again and she said well her son will know they are missing. I highly doubt he will know my recipe book and DVDs are missing. I said if it makes it easier just mail them to me. She said well I don't have your address. She made every excuse to keep my things. I guess she has a sense of entitlement. I finally just told her to keep the damn things it's not worth things getting ugly between us. I basically ended the conversation telling her we do not need to have any contact for an extended period of time as I need to completely move on with my life. Goodbye!

 

I am not sure why she is being such a jerk about things? All this coming from a woman who just two months ago was confessing her love for me. Maybe she is just frustrated with her life and is taking it out on me. Maybe she really does still love me and cares about me, but realizes she can't be in a relationship with me right now due to her own personal reasons? All I know is I need to move on with my life.

At this point I am not even certain I would want a relationship with her even if she desired one in the future.

[girlfromjersey]

Wow boswelc, you should definitely be proud of how you handled it. My jaw dropped while reading your posts because of how strong willing you are to move on with your life. Her attacks on fb were unnecessary to say the least. Even if she still loves you. It could be she was not ready for a committed relationship. I am sorry this didn't work out for you. You seem to be an extraordinary man

Keep us posted and best of luck

 

-jen

[boswelc]

Yeah, it is probably for the best right now. Who knows maybe if she ever figures out her issues we can have something in the future, but I am certainly not counting on it.

[boswelc]

I did check out her FB page today since it has been over a week since our last discussion, and she is really a mess. Saying things like she is okay, but just not happy to going on how she has trust issues to how she sucks at life to she doesn't know what to think or do anymore. I am worried about her and there is a huge part of me that wants to reach out and be there for her because I do still love her and care about her, but I know I shouldn't and won't because she already knows that I do care. Sometimes in life people have to figure things out on their own besides she has her own friends, who I honestly don't think are very good influences. They are always leaning on her for emotional support., which leaves her with minimal energy to focus on herself. Sometimes I think she is very codependent by surrounding herself with friends who need her. In my humble opinion that is not healthy. Anyhow, I was asking a female friend of mine why she refuses to give me my things back and she said so there is an excuse to come back. It keeps a tie between us. She is not willing to let go completely. I thought that was interesting, but as far as I am concerned I only wish her the best and doing my best to completely move on with my life for my own well being.