Want to Break-Up -- Again...

[pietro5266]

OK, here goes -- I dated a woman last year for about 7 months, then broke-up with her because I felt that she had some issues that she wasn't interested in working on. (There's much more to this, including my own issues, but I'm just focusing on the main question.)

 

For 6 months after our initial break-up, she stayed NC; then, one day, I get a text from her. We start talking again, and a couple of weeks later, get together for a visit. At that visit, I realize that I still have feelings for her.

 

It's now 2 months past that first visit, and I feel that I made the right choice the first time -- that we should just remain friends; she just has too many unresolved issues.

 

I feel terrible about this for a number of reasons. It's bad enough that I want to break-up with her again, but I also do still have some feelings for her. I'm torn between those feelings I have and my belief that there's not a good long-term outcome for us. And it kills me that I would be putting her through another break-up again, with me, because of my indecisiveness.

 

I just don't know how to deal with this situation, with my feelings, etc. Looking for feedback, perspective, opinions. And, if you really feel like telling me what a jerk I am, feel free -- that's already how I feel.

 

Thanks.

[abitbroken]

A lot of times people forget why they broke up in the first place, and its good that you recognize this. If you are not "all in" in a relationship, whether she has true issues or not, it doesn't work, and if you have checked out its best to end it. However, have you ever determined whether these "issues" are in fact just parts of her personality that rub you the wrong way or are actual "hang ups" that people work on? You said yourself that you have a lot of issues to, so in some ways its the pot calling the kettle black. That being said, no one should be with another person if they are repulsed by them or feel their burden is too big.

 

I guess my main concern is - you should trust yourself, but on the other hand, does she know why you broke up and did you tell her what this issue was. If you just broke up with her with her being oblivious to it, she has no way to know why. Not that she has to alter herself, but I wished years ago that someone had told me something about myself instead of a string of people treating me the same way and I was clueless as to why. But then again, you should't expect to change people...

[Hollyj]

Is she aware of her issues? Have you resolved yours?

[pietro5266]

@abitbroken, we have spoken in detail about our individual issues. I am certainly not repulsed by her; quite the opposite. She's a wonderful person, with many wonderful qualities, and I'll always feel strongly for her, but I just don't feel *it* with her, as much as I've tried.

 

It is arrogant of me to say she has "issues". It's more accurate to say that we have some life-style differences that are pretty important, and I don't see those getting resolved anytime soon. I can't expect her to change, and she shouldn't have to change if she doesn't want to.

 

I will not leave her hanging about "why". I know how horrible that feels -- I've been through that as well. I will give her whatever information she wants. In the long-term, I hope we can remain friends; it would be heart-breaking to me if that doesn't happen.

 

@Hollyj, yes, she is aware of her issues, and I am aware of mine. I am actively working on my issues -- going to therapy, lots of reading, trying to change my behavior, etc. This is one of the problems -- I am very active regarding my issues, but she really is not. She says a lot of things, but doesn't act on them. This is why it's so difficult. It's not that I don't have feelings for her, it's that she isn't moving forward.