One week of NC done - here's how I'm feeling

[Mustang]

So I've not spoken to my ex since last Monday when I moved all my stuff out. So I've done a week. Honestly, last week I didn't really let it bother me that much. Part of the reason being was that I was so busy with work.

 

This weekend, I was working for a major music festival and was involved in running online content (taking photos, interviewing bands and updating their official Facebook and Twitter profiles) - hugely busy! So I realise that being busy really does help because whilst I did think about her, I didn't fret or ponder for very long.

 

Being a music festival, I had a lot of fun as well as working. I had a few drinks, hung out with some amazing friends that I'd not seen in a long time and randomly hooked up with a girl after less than ten seconds of meeting her(!). So, I've realised that being busy keeps my mind of my ex.

 

However, now I'm back to a normal working week, I kind of feel bad again. I wanted to contact my ex when I arrived home from the festival to let her know how fun it was and what famous musicians I met but I realised that would be a bad move, so I didn't.

 

Today, I'm feeling a bit sad. I'm in a state of panic about what she's up to, who she's with, has she forgotten about me, does she really still love me like she said last week or was that just crap to ease her guilt? I know that this is all perfectly normal though. I have no reason to speak to her anymore and I won't/can't for my own sake. Any form of contact from me will be 'pointless' and weak but I love her and want to know how's she's doing.

 

Call me crazy given how she treated me during the break up but I *KNOW* deep down she's upset and just doesn't want to risk getting hurt by me again. She's using her anger and rudeness as a way of protecting herself. I know how much she loved me and how much she hated me due to how I'd made her paranoid and insecure. She said she loves me but knows she can't be with me anymore - that makes it very hard to walk away from knowing that I WANT to be the guy for her. I never did the things she accused me of and it's so hurtful to know that we've broken up because of a situation that only really existed in her head.

 

We had a lot of arguments towards the end where she would accuse me of things and get angry. I would then get angry too. Not with her, more the situation. I hated how she felt resentment towards our relationship because of things that aren't real and it's been very hard to walk away knowing that I genuinely believe in my heart that things could be resolved in time. I feel like I've given up.

 

I miss her like crazy and I feel a bit lost. A few months ago, I had my future planned out with her (hypothetically) and now all I see in front of me is uncertainty.

 

I'm also pretty sure that she's with someone else now. I can just sense it. There was a "friend" on the scene a few weeks before she dumped me that she started hanging out with a lot (stayed at his house and invited him round ours to stay on the sofa one night). She of course denied anything was going on at the time but now she has no reason to be loyal to me. If that's true, it will kill me to know that she's dumped me for non-existent reasons and she's now with someone else.

 

As much as I want her back and want to fight for her, I don't want to get in touch with her in case I find out that's true. But, all I can do now is keep on the NC road. It's so hard though. I feel a little bit like she's forgetting about me more and more every day. Out of sight, out of mind. Especially given my lack of dignity in the final few weeks (she was messing with my head though).

 

But that's just how I feel at this moment. I might be better tomorrow. The good thing is that I've done one week. Here's to the next seven days.

[ForumGuy]

I have gone through all the phases of no contact over the past year and half. You will surely go back and forth between feeling good and bad, especially when only a week into it. I have been able to not look at anything and pretty much hear nothing about my ex and it has been very helpful. It sounds like you have a good perspective on things and I hope you can stay busy as you did at the music fest. Sounds like a cool job!

[trezeralietas]

Good job making it a week! You're not alone--and it's all normal, the different thoughts and feelings you're moving through. Just keep moving forward and focus on yourself and what you can fix. You can have no control over how she feels or acts. Change yourself for the better.

 

Hugs and good luck with another week!

[wolflovesmoon]

I am in the same Noah ark. Lol but just me. the only different thing here is i`ve given her a reason to dump me. but what`s ironic, she didnt leave when i gave her even a bigger and painful reason to leave. i believe what has happened later is the drop that flooded the cup. couple weeks ago she said she deep down madly in love with me. Now all of that smoke has evaporated into the emptiness. she either lied the first time about madly been in love with me, or she is laying about her feelings changing for me. i lost five points in less than 2 weeks, i don`t eat, i don`t sleep. i isolated my self and i barely talk to my roommate, having some financial issues and so on. I know i will Move on. but why people don`t look beyond the norm.. beyond the eternal dualism ( hurt/break up). when we do something awful to our parents they don`t break up with us. they get mad, they kick our butts out the house, they don`t talk to us but they love us still no matter what. why Love can`t be like that. why someone makes you feel the king of kinds, the best of the best, the amazing, tells you are someone not to forget. then days follow you are just nothing, Get mad at me. hit me, leave me for a while, hit me with a baseball stick on the head. put poison on my food or shoot me , just don`t leave me. i don`t want to end up losing faith in Love. i really don`t.

she is my little angel. i see here in everyone else face. i hear the echo of her voice hunting me. i don`t sleep on my Bed because i sense her presence, i stopped looking at other women because i see her in them. I need more than just advice, i need God`s Mercy.

she want to talk to me now and then. just not like before.. that`s what she said. Not that i mind. i don`t want to go like maniac looking for advice online, because every case is different, i don`t want to trick or manipulate or play on the chord of her psychology. i don`t want to push her emotions buttons. i don`t want to beg her, i don`t want to sound needy, despite the fact that yes i need her. there is nothing wrong about needing someone.. what really flabbergast is. God ( for those who Believe in him) has the super powers to punish us, destroy us in a link of an eye, Yet he always forgive us, take us back and give us a chance, while the weak humans refuses to do.why?

i don`t feel bitterness toward her. i live on the resonance of her smile, on the memories of me making her coffee,, putting her shoes in order while she about to walk out. i feed on the souvenir of her hugs, kissed, touches. i will let her go but i will keep her inside to keep my heart in motion. to keep it alive. i wish she find the happiness she deserves and she deserve a lot about it. Only and if only life goes back in time. i will not do the same things i did. which is impossible, but i will make sure to prevent that to happen, if i ever find someone as good as she is.

one time she told me

True love does not have a happy ending, because true love never ends

[purrbaby]

I am also one week in with NC. It's weird not talking to him at all after I used to talk to him everyday, numerous times a day (usually through texts), but it really is helping me get passed everything and focus on myself and my own needs. Hang in there, we can all get through this.

[Mustang]

Thanks Purrbaby. Annoyingly though, I don't want to get through it. I just want her back. I feel like I'm giving up and turning my back on something I believe in. Nothing I can do obviously but I hate that it has to be all or nothing.

[purrbaby]

I'm sorry, Mustang (like that btw, I drive a mustang). Hang in there, it will get easier. There are a lot of moments I want my ex back too but it's more of wanting back what we HAD when it was good. Just keep posting here, it really, really helps! Especially when you just want to contact your ex and tell them that one last thing, but it's not worth it.

[trezeralietas]

Annoyingly though, I don't want to get through it. I just want her back. I feel like I'm giving up and turning my back on something I believe in. Nothing I can do obviously but I hate that it has to be all or nothing.

 

I can totally relate to this. It sucks so, so much. I am on day five of NC and it's killing me. I am afraid to contact him and I am afraid not to contact him.

 

If you love them, you shouldn't give up, should you? I feel like reaching out though, would have the exact opposite from the desired effect...it would make him feel pressured.

 

Work on yourself and understand your end. It's all you can do.

[Mustang]

I can totally relate to this. It sucks so, so much. I am on day five of NC and it's killing me. I am afraid to contact him and I am afraid not to contact him.

 

If you love them, you shouldn't give up, should you? I feel like reaching out though, would have the exact opposite from the desired effect...it would make him feel pressured.

 

Work on yourself and understand your end. It's all you can do.

 

I'm glad I'm not alone in my thoughts.

 

What you say is right, contacting her will do more harm than good but I kind of have this panic that she'll forget about me if I don't.

 

The thing is, part of the reason why she broke up with me is because she became paranoid and insecure about my behaviour. I wasn't doing anything but she felt like I didn't care about her (which I did). I'm not saying I was a perfect boyfriend by any means but I certainly wasn't the monster she convinced herself I was. Part of me worries that by disappearing from her life, she'll assume that I am out doing all the things she thought I was doing before and think she's free of all the hurt.

 

It's difficult to know what to do. On one hand I want to show her that I love her and want nothing more than to make her happy and prove to her that she's all I ever want in the world. But by doing that, I'm putting pressure on her.

 

I just worry that NC will push her away due to the nature of our break up. I kind of feel like I've got something to prove and fight for. By not doing that, how will she know that I'd do anything to get her back? Especially when the last contact we had I told her that I agreed with the break up deep down (but didn't say I loved her after she did).

[wolflovesmoon]

I feel you Mate, i feel the same way, i don`t know if sometimes people lie because they are hurt. just to push us away because of fear to get hurt again if they give us another chance, i don`t want to give up on my lil angel, just because she said so out of anger, sadness , hurt, But was that Love , real love to give up and turn your back on someone. i don`t think so, i wont let go, i won`t give up and i advice you to look beyond the normal and do your best to get her back. wish you best of luck

Thanks Purrbaby. Annoyingly though, I don't want to get through it. I just want her back. I feel like I'm giving up and turning my back on something I believe in. Nothing I can do obviously but I hate that it has to be all or nothing.

 

i do need to stop listening to this song and smoking the hookah,, Lol both put me in a deep hole of emotions and i cry. i don`t think i am weak because of that, Tears are the extraction of the emotions, sadness, happiness, hurt,, pain and all ,,, oufffffffffffff i never thought i would fall in love and be miserable like that, thought i always be the strong boy with a strong heart

[Mustang]

Last night, I couldn't sleep and my mind went into overdrive.

 

I'm sure it's all part of the process but last night I started getting really angry with her for how she treated me during the break up. She stayed with a male "friend" on more than one occasion without telling me where she was and then reacted aggressively when I questioned what was going on. She of course denied it all but still continued to stay with him on occasion.

 

She also had the nerve to invite him round to OUR house at 5am (we have a one bedroom) and at that stage she THOUGHT I was sleeping on the sofa (but I decided to sleep in bed as she didn't come home). All through this, she denied everything was going on and even sent me a text saying she PROMISED nothing was going on despite how it looked. Y'know all the usual crap.

 

This "friend" is someone that came into her life again suddenly. I'd met him for five minutes a year ago and now all of a sudden she was seeing him all the time (behind my back) and being very secretive.

 

I'm so angry at myself for letting her walk all over me. She's got away with a lot. I'm the one that looks like the bad guy when she's dumped me for someone else using her "paranoia" about me as an excuse.

 

And to top it all off, when my mum died, she told me she loved me and said that she wanted to get back with me. She was lovely to me at my mum's funeral and was very supportive the week after. But then completely changed her mind. To me, that says that she felt guilty about what she did and wanted to be super nice about my mum's death. She probably wanted to come to my mum's funeral to make herself feel better for being a heartless * * * * * .

 

Not saying I am perfect but there's no way in hell I would do what she did to a girlfriend I was living with. Even if I was hurt and wanted out of the relationship, I would have the decency to at least get rid of one girlfriend before going out and sleeping with someone else on the quiet.

 

She's a coward and a heartless * * * * * . I need to remember that. The nice person she was at the funeral was nothing but a ruse in my mind. I need to remember this feeling. I feel like I love someone who no longer exists.

[Mustang]

And yes, as angry as I am about it all, I'm also incredibly hurt. Which is probably clear.

 

It's worth pointing out that her reasoning for ending it with me was because she couldn't cope with her paranoia anymore. I wasn't doing ANYTHING like what she was doing to me at the time.

 

Clearly, I was dumped for someone else and I need to get over that. I know I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I loved her with everything in my heart. If that's how she can treat someone whilst saying she still loves them, I'm better off without. She'll obviously do it to him too.

[Mustang]

Woah. I was an angry cat yesterday. Must've been on my man period. Anyway, that's probably a good way to feel towards my ex. Looking at everything through rose tinted specs won't do me any good.