My 'trying to BU' blog.. wonder if it'll help

[preoccupied]

Hi All,

 

Wondering if writing about my feelings here will help me in the long run, worth a go I suppose.... I'll read back here in a years time and I'll either have done it or I won't (left the relationship that is). My issue is all about my attachment and my inability to break it, Grrrr it makes me so mad at myself I don't know where my head is. Perhaps sharing my insights will help others? Perhaps it'll only serve to show that there are some right nutters out there (i.e. me).

 

I have been searching round looking to understand why I am the way I am, and why I am in such a mess. I have also gone back to see my counsellor today, I last saw her in April when I wanted to deal with my own lack of strength to walk away from what I feel is a destructive relationship. Back then I realised that I have some issues too, and that I did not have the strength at that point to walk away because in my heart of hearts its not what I wanted to do.

 

I still feel that way, I don't want to leave him. My heart wants it to be how it used to be. My head realises however there is a lot of water under the bridge. Over the years (I am a 35 year old female btw) I have realised I have problems with attachment and have seen three counsellors - each has taken a different approach and each experience has allowed me to grow and learn as a person but I still stumble now and again. Right now I'm stumbling all over the place. I can think of a thousand similes to describe how I feel, a rudderless ship, a flailing child, - knowing this about myself does not help me change anything - I am paralysed by some kind of fear and anxiety - but although I know this emotional paralysis is making things worse for me by drawing things out, I just cannot make the final cut between us and walk away.

 

My attachment style is 'preoccupied attachment'. I know this because I did a quiz on a website (but I'm not allowed to post URL's) link removed which I found on a site called 'truthaboutdeception' relationship-issues attachment styles. So I have a preoccupied attachment style while the man I'm attached to is dismissing. This site here describes us perfectly! link removed At least its not just me who's the nutter - he doesn't have a secure attachment style either!!!

 

We've been together five years, we met in Oct 2005. We now live together in a shared flat which I love. We broke up two years ago when he was 'cyber unfaithful', we weren't living together then. We split for about 3 months, I even managed NC!! But in a few moments of weakness I contacted him again, I missed him so much!! - the upshot was we got back together (my suggestion), this was July 2009. Things were great for about 9 months then they slid downhill again and now here I am! AGAIN!

 

I think I've written enough for the moment. I will update with more details about the situation soon enough I am sure - especially given the emotions I'm currently experiencing! I am trying to use this as a kind of cartharsis and reading other posts kinda helps on one hand, but on the other hand I wonder if writing this stuff down is actually encouraging me to wallow in it and not get on with it?! Blimey today I am completely chasing my tail.

 

Oh and basically why my head says we should split is because I want affection, emotional intimacy and commitment (not marriage, just to hear my partner say 'we' when talking to others about the things we've done, rather than I, as if I don't even exist). I am finding it so hard to walk away because I do love him immensely and when this stuff isn't rearing its ugly head then we get on fantastically well, but the fundamentals are all wrong.

 

There is so much more I want to write but I want to try and keep it coherent. I will read this back to myself tomorrow and hopefully will be less emotional then.

 

If you've read this then thanks. Night night all (its 10pm in the UK)

 

PS: How I wish I had enough self esteem to face up to this and walk away!!!!!

[preoccupied]

BTW, he knows we're 'on the rocks'. His dismissive style means he says things to me like "I cannot change your mind, do whatever it is you must do". But I interpret that as him not caring or loving me, which makes the little girl in me feel so sad and rejected! I so desperately want him to turn around and say something along the lines of "I am willing to act to sort this out" but he has just sat back and said nothing other than "the last think I want to do is split up" said in a very monotone voice and no behaviour to back it up, he just sits in the smoking room in the garden for the night! I have taken this passiveness as tacit acceptance that we are breaking up, because his words do not match his behaviour. I think he's acting this way because it allows him to then feel as though he is the 'victim' and I am the "baddy" because I am the one instigating all the problems.

 

There would be no issue if I didn't want us to progress as a couple and enjoy intimacy together (I don't mean sex, I mean cuddles and small talk about our day). He hasn't shown any inclination to fight for me, to show me he loves me and treasures me. Myy heart wants him to fight for me, to show me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but my head is fighting against my heart big time. My head is hoping that he DOESN'T 'soften' and demonstrate that he loves me and wants to sort this out because if he does then I fear my heart will win and I will agree to giving it another go. = but the LAST thing I want it get into the pattern of 'break-up then back together then break up then back together etc etc'. SUCH tumoil! I clearly do not know what I want, or rather I sometimes feel as though I know what I want (to break up) but then I become paralysed by inactivity and fear that I am going to be doing the wrong thing and let go of someone I love immensely!

 

At this moment in time I truly do not have the emotional strength to instigate the conversation where I make it clear once and for all we are over. As we live together I will be the one to move out, I'm viewing a place tomorrow even! But I don't have faith in myself that I will go through with it. I haven't told him this, we're barely communicating as it is other than a stilted 'hello how was your day' question when we happen to bump into each other in the kitchen.

 

Cor I so feel as though he does not love me (enough) and I love him too much. I feel as though the tables have turned on me somewhat, kinda punishment for how I treated someone in the past who loved me a whole lot more than I loved them. I strung them along because my needy personality liked the fact they loved me even though they were a waste of space (no job, always in debt, not looking after themselves, arrogant). That relationship (if you could call it that) lasted 10 years on and off and on and off repeatedly. The only way I finally got out of that one was to travel to the other side of the world for a year! Something I can't do know unfortunately. Looking back I was a 'rescuer' through and through. Again I have awareness fo this now, but it doesn't stop those tendencies when they come along. Add to that 'enabler' because my current relationship is with someone who is into gambling (they claim they keep a lid on it because they only gamble small amounts at a time. I disagree because in my mind they put that before paying essentials like rent and bills. This man I love so much (and who I keep telling myself doesn't deserve my love) also likes to smoke legal highs. It used to be cannabis, which he gave up when got back together last time, but the legal highs are just as strong in my opinion, and I know this because I smoke them too! - That makes me a hypocrite in his eyes but in my mind it is different because I know I am not addicted (I only smoke when with him, happily go without if with friends with no cravings whatsoever) and I do not go all out to get hold of them, at the expense of being late with my rent and bills.

 

He sees none of this. In his eyes he is independent, in my eyes he is selfish. So why am I so blummin attached? Idf I could meetself I'd be giving myself a severe shake around the shoulders for sure!!

[preoccupied]

1 month later... we still live in the same flat. I started to see my counsellor again (although only once before she went on holiday for 4 weeks).

 

We still sleep in different bedrooms, been that way for 5 weeks now. About 4 weeks ago he did try to be affectionate towards me physically but I pulled away because I didn't trust his intentions. He hadn't spoken to me at all about what he wanted for 'us', he just continued to hide downstairs. I didn't feel right with him stroking my legs/back not knowing what he wanted for us. My new tactic of staying quiet too and not pushing the situation meant there was no meaningful communication and certainly no spending time together doing things - other than me going into his 'den' and joining him with a smoke - I ve had a 'can't beat them join them attitude'.

 

I've been massively busy these last 5 weeks, joined a running club, lots of work and conferences too. At a conference last week where I was away he sent me a text asking how it was, and at the end said "I love you". I replied with a text but no mention of love in my text, just a standard update. This is becasue last week I was starting to feel as though this invisible bond which tied me to him had started to slacken. The lack of any meaningful conversation from him meant I just started to feel a little bit more emotionally distant. I suppose I welcomed this feeling to some extent, if it meant the eventual 'break up' would not be as painful for me and my attachment. That said it still scares me a little bit too.

 

Weird how being a little bit aware of your intentions sometimes makes things more difficult. Its hard to know when to think things through and when to quieten your mind!

 

So last night I supposed I dropped the bombshell, though my timing wasn't too great. I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore. Usually that kind of statement would distress me greatly to say because I would be thinking hugely about the person I was hurting - BUT this time it didn't hurt to say it.

 

Hw reacted very angrily, he called me lazy, he was annoyed that I ALWAYS smoke his tobacco (not true, he smokes mine too), he said I was judegemental. I tried my best not to rise to it, unfortunately I kinda did in an attempt to defend myself but overall I was calm. He then accused me of deliberately winding him up (not true) and that basically it was all my fault.

 

Today I feel bad, I've let him use my car while I'm at work and I asked him for a hug this morning. This is the bit of me I don't like which plays games but which I find hard to control cos I have no awareness of it at the time. The point when I ask for ahug is the point when I;m really hurting and want comfort.

 

But ultimately I do not feel as though I am in love with him anymore and I feel a little bit stronger. I would love him as a friend, he has many great qualities. But his smoking and gambling 'hobbies' (because he states he has no problem with them therefore they are not a 'problem') mean he is no good as a long term partner for me.

 

Hmmmmmmm

 

Perhaps this time next year I will finally be free? - no point setting time limits for myself though -I'll only get mad at myself if I don't meet them and crumble under the pressure.

[preoccupied]

Well mid October - this is taking me forever but I am not putting pressure on myself.

 

Just come back from a great weeks holiday (without him) and came back to a lovely tidy flat, car etc. Looks like he's really been making an effort! I was weak just before I went on holiday - he dropped me off at the airport and said he loved me, I said I loved him too.

 

He is without work again (self employed with nothing coming in) but I have told him I will not help him with his rent or bills and that he is on his own. I am very slowly detaching myself. He has told me he has cut down drastically on the amount he smokes and is 'sorting out his finances'. I have given up smoking altogether and no longer join him downstairs - he has started to join me upstairs instead (where smoking is not allowed).

 

This morning I made it clear that we may be friends but nothing else... but we continue to live in the same flat because it suits us both for our own reasons. I feel his 'changes' are too little too late, plus I feel as though I've been here before with him when we split in 2009 and he gave up smoking canabis and gambling - but the cannabis was replaced with legal highs and the gambling resumed - slowly which I accepted at first, but then it grew. I initially thought the little bits were OK and I was being good by accepting it, (in hindsight I was enabling).

 

This time I feel stronger and don't want to make the same mistakes of being pleased he has given it up - only for him to descend back into it when he feels his feet are back under the table.

 

He has taken all I've said with a pinch of salt and I don't blame him, I have split up with him before and then allowed him back into my life. He has accused me of blowing hot and cold and he's right. I have asked for a hug a few times recently because I was hurting - and also because I felt I was hurting him too and I wanted him to know I still cared for him.

 

I have low self esteem. But surprisingly enough I have high self confidence. I've always thought they were one and the same but now I know they're not.

 

When we are finally out of each others minds I don't think I want any future relationship. I just cannot trust myself to know where my boundaries are for acceptable/unacceptable behaviour from a partner and I attach far too deeply. I think I've decided that my future is not as a mother with a loving husband and kids, but instead to stick to what I am good at (academic work) and use the money I would have spent on children on holidays and travel instead.

 

Wonder what my next post here will be. I still love him dearly, he is 80% perfect for me and I know that not everyone is perfect but his smoking and gambling (and associated money problems they bring) are too much for me. I need to man up and act in my own best interests.

 

Is anyone actually reading this? Any comments (good and bad) or is it only for me?

[preoccupied]

Just me out here then, 100 views but no comments - but then why should you comment?

 

I spelt it out clearly last Friday, I said we were definitely over for good. I wrote him an email saying the only way he would ever get on in life is to give up smoking the legal highs for good, that I loved him dearly and always would, that any chages he makes have to be for himself and I only wish the best for him.

 

I saw my counsellor early in the week and felt strong. Itold her what will be will be. I don't think I need to see her in the short term so we have left it with the understanding that she is there for me should I need to return. I am swinging between feeling gutted, strong, guilty, lonely and sad. I almost bought him a small second hand car last week, and I was thinking of getting it taxed and insured for him - I can't say why I wanted to do this though. I think its because I want to help him still, but examining myself I think it might also be to appease my own guilt too.

 

He is sometimes nice and friendly to me at home and I like that so much, but he is still smoking the legal highs. This morning he told me I had no idea what it was like to be addicted to something (he's right, I don't - but I know that plenty have gone before him and have kicked it). He says he feels as though I have ultimately rejected him and have blown his future clean out of the water. He blames me for that (whilst admitting that he is to blame too) and is angry with me.

 

Am I being a complete idiot? If I'm honest I really really want him to give it all up (the gambling and smoking) and be clear in his thoughts. Then I want him to come back to me - I know we are so good together. But I can't say any of this to him -if he comes clean then it has to be for himself and in the meantime he is thinking that I am the wickedest witch from the west! He is busy trying to fill his life with other things, he says he only smokes 2 joints a day and he is happy with that, he thinks I hate him depsite me making it clear I love him but cannot be with him because of this.

 

At some point I will need to move out and it will be a real killer emotionally. He might even be teh one to go first, either way it'll hurt immensely - guess that means I'm not feeling as strong as I'd like to be feeling.

 

I read another post on this forum titled "If you love someone let them go...." That's what I feel like I'm doing, except I'm not sure if he's going to ever come back!

[preoccupied]

Blimey, all that upset and for what? Turns out that rather than speak to me and try to patch things up he decided instead to sleep with his ex girlfiend! Long before I told him I was no longer in love with him and that we were over. Meanwhile he was telling me (but not showing in his behaviour) that he loved me, didn't want to split up etc etc.

 

What a weak and pathetic man he is, why on earth was I wasting my time thinking about the future with him and hoping he would change? Yeah what he has done hurts MASSIVELY! I am also reeling fro mteh thought that I knew him but I never expected that. The lies - all those lies which have gone on with him over the past year. What an idiot! I hate him but overall I know this is a good thing. There's no way we will be friends in the future, he can rot in hell (or suck some poor other enabler into his web).

 

I am moving out on the 19th Nov. Gutted cos I love where I live - but new start and all that!! (so right now I feel strong) I may cry at any moment however, the person I thought I loved never actually existed in the first place!!