Closure letter when I pick up my stuff?

[Mustang]

I'm feeling really horrible now. The realisation of finality is finally kicking in.

[hausser]

Horrible isn't it. I'm going through it all over again 4 months after cos' I drank last night, it's like a bad penny lol, keeps coming back.

[Chromerust]

Mustang, I'm new here but I have experience with the situation your in right now. You can look at this as the end, or as an opportunity to get her back if you want. Its all about what you do now! There are no guarantees, but the situation is not as bleek as we percieve it to be. I know for a fact, I could have gotten my last two loves back in my arms if I just relaxed and didn't go nuts. Your closure letter made me cringe. I wrote so many of those letters, even worse. Her emotional light switch is shut off right now and no logic in the world can make her run back to you. It makes no sense right now I know, but justifying your mistakes, appologizing, telling her how much you care is counter productive. You need to do NOTHING, it only pushes them away, and out of your life FOREVER. She probably does love you, she just can't be around you right now. Its just how she feels, thats how girls are. She probably doesn't even understand why either most the time.

 

This is the hardest thing you will ever do. But, MAKE HER MISS YOU, MAKE HER MISS YOU, MAKE HER MISS YOU. It's the only way most of the time especially if you were living together. Get your things and don't say much, don't look busted up or angry. Leave something sentimental behind, like a stuffed animal you won for her at the fair. Let her have her decision, and mark my words you have the power now. You are setting up the relationship for a second chance if you want it.

[Tigerfan]

You are setting up the relationship for a second chance if you want it.

 

Be careful of telling him this. There is NO guarantee your ex will come back to you. Most of the time, dumpers have been thinking about breaking up for a LONG time, several weeks at least. While there are things we can do and say that give dumpees a better or worse chance of a future reconciliation, saying something like this can give a false hope for the future which may set the OP back to square one. Mustang, the best thing you can do is come to the realization that it IS over, and there is nothing you can do to change that, or control your ex. Don't have false hope. If, for some reason, your ex wants to reconcile at a later date, then decide how you feel about it then. By then you may not want to go back to her. Whether she truly loves you still or not is really not relevant right now. The only thing that matters is you are broken up. The only thing you can control is YOU. You are worth a lot Mustang. REmember that, and work on yourself. Things will get better. I promise.

[Mustang]

I'm just about to head over to get this done. Today I have been very angry about things (maybe as a way of trying to make myself feel better).

 

I just don't get why she was texting ME out of the blue to say she loved me and she was thinking of me when A) she didn't have to and B) doesn't really feel that way. It's messed my head up a lot more. Maybe I jumped the gun and didn't act as cool about it as I should but when someone you love says things like that, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE not to bite. I just wish I knew why she said those things one minute and then completely backed away.

 

I still can't decide on whether or not to leave her a note. I kind of want to but I don't want to ruin things further and making her think I'm an even bigger idiot.

 

I hope that getting my things back will help me move on but honestly, right now, I don't want to. I want to fight for her. It's done me no good so far I know but it's almost impossible to stop.

 

I have only ever left relationships when I've not loved someone. Her saying it to me * * * * * ed my ears up and gave me hope. Now it's completely shattered and I'm left dealing with what feels like ANOTHER break up.

 

She says that she's here for me and understands that hearing that she still loves me is difficult - in that case, why say it?

 

I need MOTIVATION tonight.

[learning2relax]

Here is the thing..... You say that you want to fight for her, right? It should be that she is fighting for you not the other way around. So she should leave you a note if anyone leaves anyone anything.

[sadchick83]

Sadly, people say/text what they don't actually mean. Words are cheap. Please do not send her any cards, notes, or anything for that matter. Go over there, get your stuff and be a neutral as possible. Then, come back here and complain if you need to.

 

Sorry, but if a guy did this to me after I made a decision to not go back or "cool off," or whatever she said, I would think he was a loser. This is a very difficult time for you, but don't weaken at this point.

[lemsip]

Sadly, people say/text what they don't actually mean. Words are cheap. Please do not send her any cards, notes, or anything for that matter. Go over there, get your stuff and be a neutral as possible. Then, come back here and complain if you need to.

 

Sorry, but if a guy did this to me after I made a decision to not go back or "cool off," or whatever she said, I would think he was a loser. This is a very difficult time for you, but don't weaken at this point.

 

I dunno if there is already an existing thread about this, but if there isn't, there should be. Actually hearing a dumper saying that has way more impact than people simply telling dumpees what the best thing is to do.

 

I'd love to hear more about dumpers' reactions/opinions to dumpees who break NC, asking for second chances etc.

[learning2relax]

 

I'd love to hear more about dumpers' reactions/opinions to dumpees who break NC, asking for second chances etc.

 

I would suggest starting a new thread if this is what you are seeking.....

 

Another option - search on "dumper" and you will find threads where dumpers have provided their perspectives. Some of them have even shared their feelings, thoughts, reactions when the dumpee was the one reaching out with inquiries of reconciliation. They exist...and some of them are darned interesting!

[lemsip]

I would suggest starting a new thread if this is what you are seeking.....

 

Another option - search on "dumper" and you will find threads where dumpers have provided their perspectives. Some of them have even shared their feelings, thoughts, reactions when the dumpee was the one reaching out with inquiries of reconciliation. They exist...and some of them are darned interesting!

 

Oh I didn't mean to hijack the thread, honestly. Yes, I'll have a look at some older threads. Sorry if it seemed like I was trying to turn the thread into something else.

[Mustang]

Well, I did it. Badly.

 

I arrived there on my own as I thought I'd pack my stuff first rather than leaving my friend waiting in his car for longer than he needed to. When I got there, I found that she'd already packed everything and brought it down four flights of stairs. I didn't want or expect that. I went to give her a hug (stupidly) to say thanks but she pushed me away saying "don't make this harder".

 

I went to a pub and waited for my mate. When he arrived, I loaded up the car. I went to say goodbye and thanks and she gave me a very cold "see ya" and went off to talk to a member of staff (she works in a bar) leaving me standing on my own looking like an idiot.

 

I left and sent her a reply whilst upset saying "Is all our relationship was worth is a "see ya"? I didn't want to leave like that." and she responded angrily saying how dare I question what she thought of the relationship. It was stupid of me I know but it really hurt.

 

I apologised and wished her all the best. She then text me to say she's going to give me money for the furniture my mum got us in a few weeks when she's got the money. I replied saying "no need". I'm not fussed. My mum got US that, not just me.

 

I'm now unpacking and finding letters she sent me ages ago, gifts she got me, etc and feeling very very * * * * all round.

 

On my way there, she text me saying she loves but knows we can't be together. I can't argue and maybe deep down I agree but as I love her, I'd always believed that things could be worked at. Naive and selfish perhaps.

 

So, tomorrow, I go into NC for good. I completely messed up tonight and know that I've lost her for good. Nothing I can do now other than try and forget about her.

 

But at least I didn't leave a letter right?

[hausser]

Without trying to say I told you so, I told you not to meet her, though congrats on the letter think how much of a mug you'd have been.

 

I did write here originally that I thought she may have a new partner but I take this back, can't tell.

 

I don't blame you for one second texting her to tell her what the relationship was worth.

 

My advice, as horrendous as it seems, throw all her things away every last one, tonight burn them if you can. Seeing them will just keep you back there.

 

If she does come back, which she will only ever do by you going NC, then you will get more letter/gifts etc.

 

It's hard my man, we've all been there. NC is a long tough ride, but it does get better.

[hausser]

* * * * dude, sorry I didnt see this earlier.

 

Let me tell you man, she told you she loved you to make HER feel better about the BU and to hurt you a little less. If she loved you that much. she'd be with you, simple as.

 

It's amazing how similar all these BU stories are, both dumpers and dumpees actions/reactions.

[Chromerust]

Yeah, my ex was stone cold like that after she split. To my surprise after a couple weeks of NC we still met and had some good times. Would have gotten back together if we didn't hang out so soon. I was too needy still. You hear that Mustang?

[sadchick83]

Sounds like it went OK. You maintained your pride, and thankfully you did not send the letter. Your ex seems angry for some weird reason. And, really, why be cruel to someone who just lost their Mom? Also, I would get the furniture back, its from your Mom, not her's.

 

Funny as I was writing this tonight I was going to mention that my ex had called 2 weeks ago, then called again tonight. I don't pick up the calls, and since there is no message I don't answer. One of the initial posters mentions this is a good thing to do. Mustang, I really feel for you. And, I cannot believe she isn't being super nice given your situation. There is a nice way to break up--it does exist.

[learning2relax]

Hausser is right - she is only being nice to you when she wants to rid herself of guilt. Why does this appear to be the case? Because her words like "I love you but we can't be together" don't match her actions e.g. she is cold and cruel to you in person. actions do not = words. Period.

 

You asked the question, "But at least I didn't leave a letter right?" What do you think? How do you think you would feel now after she treated you so coldly if you left the letter? If your knee jerk response is "maybe over time it would sink in and she would consider my words and what she gave up..." then you need to realize that she can have these doubts and questions without a letter. The time that would pass between your leaving the letter and her not changing her mind would just eat you up even more inside and keep you stuck.

 

You said she had been there for you through some tough times and yet this is how she treats you when you are taking steps to move forward? Where did the compassion she once had go? Why isn't she consistent?

 

I am very sorry that you have had such a rough go of life lately and that you are hurting the way that you are. However, time and distance between today and somewhere down the road where you are doing better is best for you. She chooses to act the way she does. She chooses to treat you the way she did. She can live with that. In time it will catch up to her but hopefully by that time you will be stronger and you will be better at not allowing people to treat you as their option. You are worth way more than that. Hang in there. It is going to be tough for a while, a few months and I know right now that feels like forever but you will be better having taken the journey.

[Chromerust]

Some excellent words there. You were the better person and I'm sure she will dwell on it sooner than later. You are not alone brother, just please do yourself this favor as hard as it is. NO CONTACT! I wish I had found this forum a long time ago.

[Mustang]

Thank you for all the advice guys. It's good to have several voices of reason. Impartial views are really useful to read because my friends speak with emotional context. They say things like "just forget her, she's an idiot." which isn't very helpful.

 

Today feels different. In a bad way. I woke up today knowing that it's over. I now have no reason to speak to her. She gave me closure in the sense that she told me she knows she can't be with me. Whether she still loves me or not I'm not sure. It could be she does or she's said it to make herself look less bad and to try and make me feel better. I don't know. But I can no longer think about it.

 

 

I have so many questions, regrets and rationale still but I know that all I can do now is move forward. It's going to be a hurtful road but I will take it each day as it comes, completely cut contact and sort my head out.

 

 

I sent my mum a text last night, I know she can't reply but I really wanted to tell her how I was feeling. It's brought that to the surface now. I know she'd have great words of support for me right now and it's very sad to know that they will never come. Mind you, she would probably say the things that you guys have said.

 

 

I wish that things between me and my ex ended differently, it wasn't a nice way to end. I shouldn't have tried to hug her I know but it was impossible to resist. I also should've understood the deeper meaning for why she was so cold and turned her back with nothing but a sharp "see ya" rather than texting her on my way home saying "is that all our relationship was worth?" Given that she reacted angrily, it tells me that she's hurting too (or she just hates me).

 

 

I'm wondering if I did the right thing by following up her text to me about her giving me money for the furniture my mum got us with "no need". Maybe I should've said OK to that. I ended the night with a simple "thank you for the good times." as I wanted to leave on a nice note at least. Yes, I know, pathetic but at least I've tried to be nice right until the end.

 

 

I'm now dreading hearing from her in a few weeks when she said she'll have the money she wants to give me. Part of the reason why I told her I didn't want it is because I don't want another excuse to have to speak to her. But as I've said there's no need, that might be enough.

 

 

I KNOW that NC is the only way. I am going to miss her like crazy but I'm now focusing on all the things that I've wanted to do for a while but couldn't.

 

 

I've got to get my head back together, put more effort in at work, sort out my debts, start writing and recording music again and stop drinking and smoking. I've also got to get over the death of my mum because I don't think I've even started yet. Lots to do.

 

 

I don't want anyone else. I have no interest in any form of rebound. I have no confidence in myself to even talk to new girls at the moment. Maybe that day will come though.

 

 

I'm going to always wonder what she's up to, how she's feeling and who she's with. I just hope I don't get weighed down by it.

 

 

It's a shame though that it's like this. I will never share a silly joke with her, have fun with her, plan future events and hypothetically talk about our children's names and what would be our ideal Christmas, holiday, wedding, etc. All that is someone else's job now.

 

 

I do genuinely wish her nothing but happiness and once I get over my hurt, I really hope that happens for her. But right now, call it selfishness, I want her to miss me, wonder who I'm with, what I'm up to and whether she's done the right thing. I know she probably won't though.

 

 

Her actions last night tell me she's hurting but she's angry at me for it and wants nothing more to do with me. Packing all my stuff for me and moving it down four flights of stairs tells me that she just wanted rid of me ASAP.

 

 

I take many regrets with me but I also take with me happy memories. And, deep deep down, I take some relief in that it's over because the last few months have been horrible.

 

 

Onwards and upwards. Please wish me luck. I'll be documenting my NC here and hopefully in time you'll all see a change in me.

[Mustang]

Your ex seems angry for some weird reason. And, really, why be cruel to someone who just lost their Mom? Also, I would get the furniture back, its from your Mom, not her's.

 

I think she is angry. She says she loves me but knows we can't be together. She probably puts that down to why she wanted to break up with me (which, might I add, weren't reasons that we often real. She believed A LOT of her paranoia and convinced herself that I was doing things I wasn't - which she then reacted to.). Maybe it's easier for her to hate and hurt me as a way of healing herself.

 

And, I cannot believe she isn't being super nice given your situation. There is a nice way to break up--it does exist.

 

She probably doesn't want to be nice to me. I think she obviously thinks by doing that, I'll be nice to her and that will just make her more upset about the break up.

 

That said, she could just be a horrible person, I don't know. Her reaction to my text to her last night saying "How dare you question what our relationship meant! Disgusting." is either her reacting angrily because she's hurt or because she's just sick of me and doesn't want to talk about "us" anymore.

 

Either way, I'm done with it now. As hard as it is. All I can do is forget her.

[learning2relax]

All I can do is forget her.

 

All you can do is take care of yourself. Your feelings, emotions and desire for her will fade in the process. You have been through a lot. You need to take care of you. The only person you need to worry about, have care and concern for is yourself. You need to be nice to you and give yourself time.

[lemsip]

Today is Day 1. It's gonna be sh1t for a good while buddy.

[Mustang]

Today is Day 1. It's gonna be sh1t for a good while buddy.

 

Oh I know. The thought of that is almost as bad as the break up itself. But I will survive (I will survive, hey hey!)

 

I've found weekends to be harder because I've got more spare time and nothing else to do besides think (even if I keep myself busy). In time, I know this will fade. And I'm sure that (even despite how horrible she's been), there will be times when she does this too. Or not, no idea. She could well be seeing someone else for all I know.

[hausser]

She could well be seeing someone else for all I know.

 

Without trying to sound like an ass mate, probably best to assume she is. Women do not take long to move on, much quicker than men both for logistical (they get hit on about 10x per day) and seem more emotionally stable to do so quicker.

 

NC is like peeling an onion in reverse if you excuse the bad metaphor. Every day adds anothet thin layer of healing.

 

Agree with the weekend loneliness, though use it to spur yourself on to make new friends, like me. The phase that was the killer for me, which I found drinking exacabated, was the super analytical phase, which hit me about week 2 of NC. You just go over and over and over every little word, action, reaction, inference that led up to the BU. Just tell yourself it matterds little what happened, all you need to know is that you two are no longer together and if she wanted to be with you, she would. It gets easier by end of week 3 though mate.

 

I think some self analysis is good, but my stage of this got a bit out of hand so keep tabs on it try not to drink though don't attempt to give up smoking just yet IMO.

[lemsip]

Yup. Hangovers are 100 times worse in this state. Just remember that.