Closure letter when I pick up my stuff?

[Mustang]

I'm going to my ex's tomorrow evening to collect my things. After that, I am completely free from our break up and can finally move on.

 

I want to buy a card and write a closure message to my ex. Is this a pathetic thing to do?

[hausser]

Yes. Saying nothing and keeping some dignity will say more than a letter ever will.

 

EDIT actually, thinking about it, so long as it's dignified it could be ok, post up a draft here first if you do.

[lavenderdove]

I wouldn't do a card because cards are too sentimental... if you feel you must, send her an email. You can edit it until it says exactly what you mean to say, then save it and work on it as a therapeutic gesture to get out everything you need to say.

 

But you need to really treat it as YOUR closure, what you feel you need to say to be able to walk away once you hit send, and don't expect any response from her. Say only what you mean, and then stick by the fact that it IS your last email to her, so don't expect a response or that it will change anything other than giving you a sense that you've said what needed to be said for your own sake.

[Mustang]

I need to trim the fat but here's what I'm thinking:

 

I just want you to know that our time together is something that I'll never forget. As much as I've fought, I realise that I have to move on without you. It won't be easy but in the long run, it's better than what's been going on lately.

 

I genuinely thought at times that we would be together forever. You know me better than I know myself and when things were great, it was all I ever wanted in the world. But that's a very rose tinted view. It's just as easy to think of the bad times.

 

I know that your support in recent weeks has been genuine but it's been tough to separate the two though things. Hearing that you loved me gave me false hope that we were making progress but it's just created more drama for us both. I can't put myself through it anymore. I need to be happy again.

 

I am sorry for becoming a selfish, clingy, paranoid and insecure idiot when I'm sure you've been hurt by our break up too. I've been very uncool about everything but I hope you can understand why and not remember me as this person. The past few months have been difficult to say the least but in a few years a time, I'm hoping I can look back and see this as the making of me.

 

For all the regrets I have, I also have happy and great memories. Thank you for the good times. I'll carry them with me for a very long time.

 

Life is short and, as I've said, I hope that one day we can be friends but it doesn't always work that way. Will just have to see where we end up.

 

Until that day comes or if it never comes, I wish you nothing but the best in life. I'm sure you will find who and what youdeserve and achieve great things in the future. * I will still think of you every once in a while and smile to myself when I do. *

 

For one last time... I love you. x

[learning2relax]

I wouldn't.......

 

If you do anything it should be short and sweet like...."thanks for all of your support recently. it is truly appreciated." All the other stuff is just your advertisement to her that you are still holding on and pining for her. Nothing more than an ego boost of her that she gets to take and pocket and move along with nary a thank you.

[Mustang]

You have a point. I don't know. I kind of feel like things need to be said but agree that it makes me look pathetic if not done properly.

 

I suppose I just want to clear my mind so I can move on knowing I did my best to end on good terms but I admit, I also want her to be thinking about me after I've gone.

[learning2relax]

You have a point. I don't know. I kind of feel like things need to be said but agree that it makes me look pathetic if not done properly.

 

I suppose I just want to clear my mind so I can move on knowing I did my best to end on good terms but I admit, I also want her to be thinking about me after I've gone.

 

I know that this sounds counter intuitive but the best way for that to happen is to do little to nothing at all. They will think more of you when you are confident and strong (think about how you were when you first met). She will think of you less or want to put you out of her mind if she sees you as pining or emotional (perceived as weak). Think about it.....seeing you like that just adds to the guilt she may be avoiding.

 

They always think of you. So you ultimately don't have to worry about that. It is about HOW you want them to think of you. Just as first impressions are important, so are the last ones that we leave them with. The more you leave her wondering, the better she will perceive you in hindsight. Don't give her all the answers to the test!

[superfox]

I dunno, I sent an ex his stuff back with a short note saying 'Hope you find what you're looking for and that you think of us and smile sometimes' (he had dumped me). anyway, he called begging after about 3-4 weeks on...

 

Turned him down flat

 

You're short note is going to need a massive card to write all that in! Don't do it

[hausser]

As much as it's a touching letter, learningtorelax is right I think.

[Mustang]

I guess I have to weigh up whether I'll regret leaving a letter behind once I've packed my stuff and moved out or whether I can deal with not doing it and always having "I wish I'd told her how I felt."

 

Emotions have been high recently with my mum passing and my ex supporting me in a very confusing way. I don't want her last memory of me being the pathetic idiot I've been of late. I want to acknowledge my actions, explain them and end on as good terms as possible.

 

Yes, I still love her and I would get back with her if it was an option in the future. But I also want to move on and get rid of hope and desire - which is just making things worse. I want to at least make it clear how I feel and make her understand that I'm a decent person. At the moment, I'm not.

 

As it is, I'm sure she's glad to be rid of me completely (I would be) but IF there's any love left for me, I want her to at least have good memories.

[lemsip]

Mustang, I know how you feel. But sending that letter won't give you closure. I sent a few letters and emails after my breakup. It was the most heartfelt thing I had ever written and I meant every single word - but she didn't reply. So you start thinking "maybe I should have said this..." and you'll be on here again in 2 weeks asking about whether or not you should send another one just to clear things up. It will never end. Sending the letter will not take away your pain or make you feel better.

 

I miss my ex desperately, but like all dumpees, we need to realise if our exs wanted to be in our lives, they would be. Your letter is very touching, but as much as you may not like to admit it, you are really sending it because you think it might touch a nerve with her and give you "one last shot." It won't.

 

I would just go get your stuff and get out of there.

[hausser]

I would even debate meeting her to get your stuff frankly. It sets you back.

[lemsip]

I would even debate meeting her to get your stuff frankly. It sets you back.

 

Yup. After 8 years I'm selling my house and doing it through email with my ex. That's even set me back. If you can avoid seeing her I would. If she's at work just text her telling her you're getting your stuff, let yourself in, then leave. No need to see her.

[hausser]

Yeah that is the best thing if she's pretty adamant she wants to be single. Seems harsh at the time but it's all about damage limitation now mustang.

[Mustang]

we need to realise if our exs wanted to be in our lives, they would be.

 

The thing is though, she told me a few weeks ago that she loves me and just wanted to hug me for the rest of her life. We said that we didn't need to rush back into anything. We were going to meet up but I got impatient about getting back together and pushed her too far.

 

I don't want to move on but I am going to because I hate living with hope, confusion and frustration.

 

But as I say, I do want her back. I know though that it's not going to happen now but I honestly feel just disappearing without any sort of explanation or resolution will eat away at me and I'll be thinking "does she hate me?"

 

At least if I get everything off my chest, I can walkaway with one less regret.

[learning2relax]

I want to acknowledge my actions, explain them and end on as good terms as possible.

 

For some reason we always think that we have to "explain" things. What we don't realize is that this works in the opposite of what we intend. They evaluate the action of us "explaining" vs. really listening to the words we are saying. IMHO, it can come off as posturing for reconciliation. This can perceived as us not respecting their choice and trying to change their mind. End result = they distance further, remember us as pressuring them. Even if the words we spoke sent a COMPLETELY different message. Actions speak louder than words. What is the best you can do, act in the way that you want her to remember you by if you have any interaction with her....without explanation or apology for anything previous.

 

Yes, I still love her and I would get back with her if it was an option in the future. But I also want to move on and get rid of hope and desire - which is just making things worse. I want to at least make it clear how I feel and make her understand that I'm a decent person. At the moment, I'm not.

 

I don't know but you really seem to be contridicting yourself here - at least that is how I read it. You lvoe her and would like the option of getting back together - ok, good. You want to move on and get rid of hope as it is making things worse - good that you recognized that, now allow yourself the time to do so. You want to make it clear how you feel....... - this sentence to me contradicts the first two. If you want a chance for the future, you have to recognize that you cannot (in your words) "make her understand that I'm a decent person."

 

Step back for a minute - has anyone who has professed their decency to you "made" you believe this? In my experience, when I see someone working so hard to convince me of something, it eventually makes me suspicious. "Doth does protest too much." You are trying to make her accept something = you are attempting to control. Let her come to her own conclusion. Have enough dignity and confidence in yourself (or do your best to display these traits) to allow her to see this for herself. All the convincing in the world is only going to work to your detriment.

 

..........I want her to at least have good memories.

 

Then allow her to see you as a strong and confident person that is appreciative for her support. Keep it simple.

 

When we have been released of a relationship by our SO, we have a very hard time transitioning from the person who's advice was sought and valued - where we perceive ourselves to have some influence to a person whose advice is no longer relevant. It is a tough transition. The more you try and hang on to the role by explaining or talking or convincing, the more you are setting yourself up for even more rejection.

[learning2relax]

but I got impatient about getting back together and pushed her too far.

 

You are doing the same thing with your letter IMO. But it is up to you. You aren't open to what is being said here. You are resolved to do it. If you think it will make you feel better then do what you have to do. Best of luck.

[Mustang]

I don't have a choice with regards to getting my stuff. I have to go there and pack. I don't have keys. There's no mutual friends who can get involved.

 

It's going to be horrible but I want to get it out of the way rather than prolonging it. She'd always have this power over me if my stuff was still there and I'd always have the "when shall I contact her to get it?"

 

It's weird going from someone loving you to be indifferent but I dug my own grave really. Makes the break up ten times worse. The slight confusion/hope made me happy and now it's falling through, I feel like I'm back a square one.

[Mustang]

Regarding the letter, I think you're right. I don't think I should send it. I don't want to risk making it worse.

 

I just hope she knows deep down that the person I've been in the past few weeks is not the real me. I just want to leave in the best way possible.

 

It's a contradiction but I know the only way we'll get back together is by me letting go. It's not something I can control. It will happen if it happens. That's NOT why I'm doing it though. If it happens, bonus. If not, I'm protecting myself from further pain and shame.

 

Thanks guys.

[hausser]

I've been pulled back from making a few screw ups on here mate, we all know how you feel, just we have the emotional disconnection to know wether it's wise or not.

[lavenderdove]

I have sent closure letters and not sent closure letters... but i made the choice on whether to do it or not based on what i thought was best for my healing.

 

One way to evaluate whether to send one is to ask yourself, is there anything in that letter that you haven't already said, or that she doesn't already know? If you're just rehashing old ground don't do it, or if you are trying to manipulate or guilt her (even subconsciously) don't do it.

 

But if there were a few things you never expressed that will eat at you if you don't express them or would make you spend endless hours wondering whether you should have said them, then go ahead and send it.

 

btw, some ugly episodes when a relationship is unraveling are usually forgotten or understood. Breaking up isn't easy! If you were a normal person for several years, then you both descended into ugly fighting or desparate begging or whatever for a couple weeks, she may be angry/annoyed by that, but it won't replace her memory or opinion of you and how you behaved over several years with her. Everyone KNOWS breaking up is hard and that there may be emotional scenes, angry or pitful words etc. So don't apologize to her too profusely because you think she will hate you for a couple bad weeks together at the end. If you did something you really regret, send a SHORT apology and then let it go.

[lavenderdove]

btw, only send ONE closure letter if you must. If you find the desire to keep sending them or go over the same ground again and again, that is more about you trying to maintain a connection with her (by fooling yourself that you 'need' closure) than it is about grieving, healing, and letting go. So you get your one last closure letter shot if you really need it, then that's it and don't do any more and begin focusing on letting go and healing instead.

[Mustang]

I have a million things I want to say but I know that nothing's going to change. Writing anything could have the potential to be interpreted in a bad way.

 

I just wish she'd not told me she loved me still. It makes it so much harder to walk away. I know love isn't always enough though.

[lemsip]

I have a million things I want to say but I know that nothing's going to change. Writing anything could have the potential to be interpreted in a bad way.

 

I just wish she'd not told me she loved me still. It makes it so much harder to walk away. I know love isn't always enough though.

 

Mine told me she didn't love me anymore and it didn't make it easier. Believe me man, whether she says she loves you, or loves you not, is irrelevant now. She's chosen not to be with you. Actions speak louder than words and all that jazz...

[lemsip]

But I do understand/emphathise with the feeling of having a million things to say...I'm still there. But it's important I keep my mouth shut now for my own sake.