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Playing the Fool?


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Thanks for taking the time to offer advice. I’ll try to keep the details succinct.


I have been dating a lovely woman for several months. We have had some sort of relationship over the last year, but I would say it has only been within the last three months that things have really begun to develop. Unfortunately, she has started to significantly pull away and I feel a bit at a loss. I suspect something is going on that I should know about or be prepared for, but she seems to be fairly open about the issues.


So, to begin.


When we started things she was completely gung-ho all about it, but honestly, I was a little reserved. About two months ago she started to seem a little distant. Her texts dissipated and her overall excitement to be with me was not quite the same. I asked her about it and her response was that she couldn’t keep giving so much when it was not on both sides. I accepted that and told her I would work on it (which I have).


Things were going along until about three weeks ago, there were some rumor floating around work (we work together) about me and another woman. All of which are completely untrue. She took this very hard and was quite upset. I feel as though we have moved past this and am very happy to have done so.


So, for these last three weeks I feel like things have been very strained. She is moving and applying for a graduate program. Both of which I understand are completely stressful. So when I approach her about our issues she says that she is very upset/anxious/stressed about these issues.


So, now that I have given the reasons for me trying to remain calm, here are my reasons for being all wound up. There has been absolutely no physical relationship, with the exception of one recent evening; we have had no significant time together. She has made no time for us, but she has made time for her friends in the town she is moving away from. She said that once the move is done and things settle down, we can have more time, ETA on this is at least another two weeks. Which at that time she mentioned reevaluating where we are. She did mention that time apart has given her the opportunity to miss things between us.


She seems to snap at me about small things that really are insignificant, and when I tell her I am happy to help her move, she refuses any and all offers.


I mentioned taking a trip later this year, which at first she seemed interested but quickly mentioned she may not have the time off of work.


She looks at her phone the one night we are together and see a missed call from a fellow and says “I don’t know who that is”, yet the name is in her phone.


So, after all my rambling, what is the take? I would really like to make this work, but I am afraid someone else is in the picture, or she is seriously considering ending things. I have been doing some reading on the issue and all sign seem to point to one or both of these. I am really, really trying to take her word for it and believe that it is just a stressful period, but I feel like I am setting myself up for a pretty hard fall. I’ve told her that I am ready to go at it 100%, but I feel as though that was a bit too empowering for her. Do I leave the ball entirely in her court or try to take it back?


I don’t want to pull away, because that is what caused the initial problems, but I don’t want to play the fool.


I would really appreciate any and all input as well as any advice on what the proper actions on my part should be. My apologies for the absurdly long post.

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I think she is not commiting to anything from simple help with her moving to taking a trip together. The phone call thing is staring you right in the face. The number is in her phone, but she doesn't know who it is? Come on now. If it were me, I would bail no matter who it is, or how much I cared for her. She is beating around the bush with the "we will evaluate later" and "couldn’t keep giving so much when it was not on both sides" statements. Your gut feeling tells you that you are setting yourself up for a hard fall and I agree. Making this into anything else is denial.

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How would pulling away cause problems? You're rationalizing your way into trouble that doesn't need to happen. I'd drop from her radar and let her step up to pick up the slack when she's ready. Sticking around to annoy her won't help--it will do the opposite.


If you want her to work out her own business, then give her the opportunity and stop picking that.

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Thank you both very much.


When we first started having issues, I stright up asked if she wanted to continue and she said yes. A few days ago I told her that I wanted us to be on the same page and asked about dating other people. She said she wasn't looking to do so. so that did help my concern and ability to back off. I suppose my concern was that if I backed off too much it would seem as though I was reverting back to being emotionally distant, something which I had vowed to discontinue.


I know I am over rationilizing things. Part of a horrible character trait I suppose. Even though I hate sitting idly by, I have begun to prepare myself for what may come.

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