What are the chances? Update

[trishcollins]

Not sure if anyone here has encountered this situation, but if so, what do you think the chances are of reconciliation?

 

I have been seriously involved with my "ex" for almost two years, and broke up at the end of June. We are still very much in love. His wife died only shortly before we met (3 months) and I knew he had not grieved and would at some point, but we fell in love and I figured we will deal with that bridge when we came to it. Well, the bridge has arrived.

 

He has two teenagers (17 and 19). His son and I got along really well, and his daughter (almost 20 now) accepted me at first, but her attitude changed toward me when the relationship got serious. After six months together, he bought a house and we planned to move in together last summer (I have horses and we needed a farm in his end of town). However, the house turned into the money pit, and before I even moved in and he put the place up for sale, saying that it would make more sense for him to move in with me once his kids had finished school and were on their own. I was anxious to keep my place anyway, and it just made the most sense, so he bought an "interim" house. They lived in the "money pit" for almost a year and it finally sold this spring.

 

His daughter has been running hot and cold towards me for the last year -- she hated the house and anything to do with me, and it's made it difficult, but I told him I understand why she feels the way she does and that they need to work it out between them and she needs to know he still loves her and that she does come first, and that it in no way changes how he feel about her mother. However, I said she needs to understand that he can have a relationship with someone else as well, and that's it's important that you do.

 

We had a couple of discussions about this recently when she started ignoring me completely or speaking in French (I only speak English) or saying things that were hurtful and aimed specially at me. I always felt I was not in a position to set her straight -- that was his role as her father -- so I just played it cool and tried not to let it get to me. Occaisionally it did, and I would be quite upset. He agreed we would sit down and discuss it like a family once they were moved into the new place. I felt that he wasn't dealing with it appropriately, but I also felt that it was not my place to say anything. I am sure he felt guilty and afterall, these are his kids.

 

However, right before they moved to the new hosue at the end of June, she made it clear she didn't want me around, and after a very stressful weekend, , he basically turned to me and said "this isn't working, and we both know it". I was devasted and begged him to reconsider and for us to sit down and talk as he promised. He just stared at me and kept repeating "it will just make it worse". I kept asking how he could do this if he loved me, and he kept saying that he does love me, and he's very sorry and he never meant it to happen, but he can cope with things the way they are right now.

 

We did speak on and off after the first two weeks -- mostly me crying and begging for him to reconsider and trying to get him to see the big picture, but he kept saying he needed time to deal with things. He let me talk to the kids to let them know it was not their fault and that I loved them and I missed them. He was in tears and appreciated the way I handled his kids. I think his daughter and I finally made peace as a result, and I am glad I had the chance. I walked away with my head high and my dignity, knowing I did the right thing.

 

This has been particularly hard, because shortly after we split, my father passed away, and my "ex" volunteered to come with me to another city for the service, but only as a "friend". I turned him down, although I thanked him, as I knew that it would tear me apart to not have him with me 100%. He is a good, kind person, almost to a fault.

 

It was at that time, when I was unsure of the future he said "I thought we agreed, that I would take all the time I need, and when I was ready to committ 100%, we would take it from there". I was surprised, since my understanding was he didn't want "anyone waiting around". I begged him NOT to lead me on or give me any false hope, and I he is not the type to purposely mislead me and would never lie to me, and I have told him I would rather he tell me know if there was no chance, then to drag it out. He told me there are no guarantees, but as I have always said "if it's meant to be, it will happen".

 

It was at that point I asked for NC, because my past history tells me I can't do the "friends" thing, and I know I would push him further away if I kept in contact and that if this has any chance of surviving, it's best that we both go deal with our own issues and see what happens in the future. I explained it to him and he says he understands and has been respecting my decision (not sure he would have contacted me anyway).

 

I think that he is finally going through the grieving process and feels that he needs to be there for his kids. He has been trying to keep everyone happy for the last two years. He was so very good to me, and there is no question in my mind he loves me very much, but feels he can't have it all right now. He seems to feel he needs to devote himself 100% to his kids for the next while, and that he can't have a relationship as well. I also think he is exhausted, as he hasn't "stopped" since his wife passed away, so the break may be a good way for him to rest.

 

It's been a month since we have had any contact. Our 2nd anniversary is coming up on Thurs and its going to be hard, but I plan on sticking to NC. He knows where I am, he knows that I love him, and I truly believe he will not be able to deal with the issues if he is feeling guilty about how I am feeling, so I just try and cope every day and hope that he will sort things out.

 

We are not kids (we are both 44), and I have much more patience than I did in my 20's, but does anyone think there is a chance here? How long do I wait? I want to try and be positive (and visualize us together), but I don't want to have false hope either. Should I contact him at ANY point down the road, or just let him make the first move? A friend told me that I should drop him a note in a few months, just telling him I was thinking about him and hoped he was doing okay. Any thoughts on that?

[RayKay]

I think it would be okay at some point to drop him a note and see how things are going - it opens the door to communication at least, and he might be willing to take a step forward in that case.

 

I think you DO have a chance at reconciliation as it seems your breakup was due more to circumstances and timing than his feelings for you. As you said, he had not grieved yet. Sometimes it takes people time to get to that point. And, he was probably also concerned for his children.

 

Give it time, drop him a note, and see where things go - if he contacts you, I think you are in a very good place to maybe rekindle things, and hopefully the children will have gone to some sort of counselling as well (and him too possibly!).

[Luciana]

My story is different from you, but yesterday my live in BF who I have been dating for 6 years left me. He left me a letter. He said he cannot marry me and gave some cheap excuses (I was talking to him about marriage and he is very commitment phobic).

 

I am in deep pain. Like you Trish, I humiliated myself and begged him not to leave him. I left him 6 messages on his cell phone before he finally picked it up. It's terrible to sound so desperate to a man, but I was also thinking of my 13 year old daughter.

 

WIth him leaving I am forced to sell our house and live in a small apartment. That means my daughter will have to change schools and she is just starting school in a few days. My financial situation without him (we share all the bills and mortgage) will be difficult. I wanted to make it work. But apparently he really wants out, and there is nothing I can do.

 

EVen if he comes back, he will be arrogant and rude because he will feel so superior with my groveling. Today if we talk I have to stop asking him to come back home. I just refuse to discuss the separation.

 

Imagine that one of his grievances is that I don't pick up his clothes from the floor (he throws them on the floor every day) and when I wash our clothes I put a pile of his celan clothes in our room and don't put it away (I don't do that for my kids either!)

 

As for your case, I agree that you can send him a note soon, in a friendly way, just to show you're still interested. I can't believe this man let his teenage daughter destroy his relationship. She will evetually leave the house and have her own family; while his chance to be happy is now with you.

 

Trish, you can email me if you want to vent. I am still in shock from his leaving and very sad. I know I cannot pursue him anymore, just let him go if he wants. He knows my feelings for him. I am not sure he will find at 46 a woman who loves him as much as I do. And I am sure most women will have their set of problems (few women in their 30's and 40's don't have issues and a past).

 

I cannot eat, and I am smoking non stop. I couldn't sleep either. I am operating as a robot at work. I just want to go home and lie in bed like a sick person. I have little support from people and my family doesn't live here. I can't rely on my 13 year old daughter: it's too much of a burden on her to see me like this.

[trishcollins]

Thanks,

 

I do believe that this breakup is "situational" in nature and not because our feelings have changed for each other. That is why it is that much harder to accept that it's really over.

 

I will wait a while longer == a month or two (I think the hurt is still too deep for me to feel comfortable with whatever response I might get right now == if any) and contact him, keeping it light and without expectation. I am sure he is anxious to know how I am doing (we have no mutual friends or social circles, so we are basically "cut-off" from each other -- which isn't really a bad thing).

 

He needs space and time, and I have to respect that. I guess only time wil tell.

[trishcollins]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Unlike you, I wasn't in a position to worry about my financial situation, so our split had not real impact on me financially, although it certainly puts on hold some plans I had to renovate my place to accommodate him and his son.

 

I agree that it's hard to understand how a grown man could let his teenage daughter (who is not a kid at 19) ruin a relationship he is in, since as you said, they will be gone in a few short years with their own families (she has a boyfriend of 2 years as well). I think however, that my "ex" is so close to the situation that he can't "see it" for what it is.

 

I also understand from conversations with his sister, that his daughter has always been spoilt, and I can certainly see it, although I stayed out of it as much as possible. My motto was "if it did't affect me directly, that I just let it go". She has a lot of growing up to do yet, but since I don't have kids, it's hard for me to pass judgement of any kind on how to raise them.

 

I also wanted everything to be fine, and tried very hard to see things from her perspective. However, I think the guilt my ex has on moving on so quickly, and no really considering the affect on his kids, is playing a big role here, and I think that once I am out of the picture and he realizes hi daughter is not home anymore than she was before (this was a problem in his eyes), and her behaviour and attitude don't really change, and I am no longer around to take the blame, that he will see if for what it really is, and hopefully start to deal with it.

 

She is in her third year of college and will be done next spring. She got a good settlement from the hospital lawsuite (his wife passed away when a routine kidney stone operation when wrong) and since she pays for nothing, she is set to start out really well financially. Not that it would in ANY way make up for her losing her mother, but I am not sure she can really appreciate what she does have in her life right now.

 

I also agree that we women in our 30s and 40s come with baggage -- as do the men. It's funny, but we I met my ex two years ago, he was looking for someone financially independent, no kids or young kids, intelligent, funny, etc. Well, I am all those things, but I also have a life, and that's one thing that I didn't think he counted on. The fact that I own a home, have horses, cats, etc., and loads for good friends, I couldn't exactly "parachute" into the role of his partner without bringing all this stuff with me. However, I think it's ironic, because without all that baggage, I would not be the person he fell in love with.

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I feel bad for your daughter as well. If he lived there and paid half the bills/mortgage, are you at least entitled to some sort of settlement? I don't really understand what the laws are, I have never lived common law or been married, but I would think that he should at least be responsible for some of the expenses, especially after 6 years.

 

I am not sure what to tell anyone in your situation. I have been through breakups before (ones where the "love" was gone) and I know it hurts for a long time, but eventually you will get past it. I also know that NC is the ONLY way to go when that is the case. Otherwise it simply drags out the pain. As well, separation will provide a way for the other person to appreciate you, and also time for you to take off the rose-coloured glasses and really see the other person or the relationship for who and what they really were. Perhaps in time you will find they were not the right person for you and it's for the best. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

[Luciana]

We have a lot of things to discuss since we were living together: selling our house (We own it jointly-big mistake of mine), selling my car ( I will not be able to aford payments on my own-and he's a car dealer)), how to divide the furniture and electronics.

Today I made a decision not to call him. He's probably living in a motel since yesterday. I will stop humiliating myself and let him go. If he calls and wants to discuss the separation, I decided that I do not want to discuss these things with him (It's too painful for me, I do not want the separation).

 

So I will tell him that any deals he will have to discuss with my brother, the only family memebr I have around. I do not want ANY contact with him whatsoever.

 

Today in the Washington Post there is an article for us. It says when a man doesn't pursue a woman, the cold reality is that he is just NOT into us. We have to accept that and find someone who is.

 

So Trish, if you send him that note and he ignores it, or doesn't ask you out again, just remember that. If he loved you he would come running after you. WHen a man wants a woman he will bend over backwards to have her. The harsh truth is that these men are not into us (even if we deceive ourselves that they love us, just because they seemed so affectionate once).

 

This the day after for me. It's horrible. I have a sinking feeling, almost like a pain, on my stomach. It's physical. I will be wandering around my house like a zombie after work. I need to be around people right now, people who care for me.

[trishcollins]

It's probably best to have someone mediate on your behalf -- so your brother is a good idea. Emotions can run really high around this sort of stuff. I am glad we never got involved financially at this point, as I know I would go crazy having to deal with every detail.

 

It's been two months for me (the last one with NC), so I am past that place you are in, but I sure understand that feeling -- of total despair and horror. You will get past it though and to the point where you can cope most of the time. I have my moments, but for the most part, I am pretty together. I try to remain positive, without gettng my hopes too high. I am a big believer that all things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be, it will happen, so I try to keep that in mind and live in the moment.

 

I agree that if a man really loves a woman, he will go after her, but I also know there are exceptions to every rule. I know in my case that I was walking a fine line coming into a family unit shortly after such a tragic loss. I knew that it would come back and bite me in the a-- one day, and sure enough, here it is. I may not know everything, but I know he loves me -- he just can't see any way around the situation right, and from what I can see, he's simply assumed the fetal position. However, even if he loves me, whether he comes back or not at some point, I have no idea, and I have to be prepared for that.

 

Try journalling, talking to friends or simply watching sitcoms (I find Reba and Everyone Loves Raymand good distractions. Watch funny movies and read a good book ("Confessions of a Shopoholic" is great). Keep busy and try not to think about it too much (I know I do all the time). Eventually, you will get to the point you can cope.

[trishcollins]

I decided to send my ex a card (this Thurs would have been our 2nd anniversary), but I kept it very light. I said I was thinking about him a lot lately, and hoped he was doing okay and that the kids were fine. I said I hoped he wasn't worrying too much about me, that I was okay, and keeping myself busy with my horses and working out. I told him to take care of himself, that I missed him and loved him, and wished him well. That was it. No, "please come back", etc. stuff. The card itself was just a cute "miss you" type card, sort of funny but not sappy. It said "you are worth the wait, miss you" and had a picture of a dog waiting at a door.

 

It's been 8 weeks since the breakup and almost 5 with NC (my choice). I just felt I needed to keep the communication going a little, especially this week being our anniversary. I figure a card was better than emailing or calling, as I don't have to worry about getting answering machines, or no immediate emails back. I don't expect a response, so at least I won't be disappointed. I know he has a long way to go before he would be ready to commit again, and I have made it clear to him I am no good at doing the "friends" thing, so unless he has some good news for me, I am sure he will think twice about contacting me. This is just my way of letting him know I am okay, and that I am still thinking about him.

 

Do you think it was the right thing?

[rich46]

Only you can say whether you did the "right thing." If you feel like it was the right thing to do, then it was! I will be in the same situation in October when it will be the 4th Anniversary of when we met. I too have instigated NC because I couldn't do the friends thing, but she knows to contact me if she has any doubts or wants to try again. We left on good terms, so it is difficult to know what is the right thing. As we live 100 miles apart, I won't see her before then so I will debate the reasons for sending a cute card nearer the time...

[trishcollins]

Thank's rich46. Aren't you the person who bought you g/f diamond earrings for your anniversary? I had booked us into a B&B for four days in Niagara-on-the-Lake wine country, but knew that wasn't going to happen so I cancelled. Fortunately, I hadn't bought anything for him though.

 

I hate the feeling of not knowing whether to do something or not, it's just not my personality -- I always just "do" things. I always find it so hard to believe that someone you were so close and intimate with, someone you never thought twice about what you said or did around, that all of a sudden you are worried about the effect the smallest behaviour will have on them.

 

However, I realize it's a fine line between "keeping the door open" and "being in their face", and it's important to be able to realize what you are doing. I don't want to be the "stocker-ex-girlfriend-who-doesn't-know-when-it's-over" and I have told him that, but in this instance, I am not sure the EXTREME NC is the right thing either. Perhaps LC is better.

 

I know I can't be friends, my experience tells me that, so if I can in some way, keep the communicating going without too much contact, that would be the best for me. I will probably limit it to birthay cards for his kids and cards at Christmas and that way, and avoid phone calls and emails, which can be ackward and there is always an expectation for some kind of response.

 

My ex has a lot of issues to deal with (none of which have to do with me), but in the process he may move on. I know he loves me now, but as Muneca's signature says, "absense cools medicore passion and increases great ones" and I believe that to me true, so in my case, only time will tell.

[rich46]

Unfortunately I wasn't the person who bought the diamond earrings!!!

 

I understand everything that you say, I hate analysing what to do, what not to do etc. I must say I am not a fan of LC so I doubt that I'll send a card in October. I don't want to send her a card and then suddenly the floodgates open and I start hearing details about her life again. That may set me back a long way - I'd prefer not to know if she has or hasn't met another guy.

 

Your situation sounds a bit diferent though, so if you are comfortable doing the LC, then go for it I think.

 

Good luck!

[trishcollins]

Someone on this board has an Oct 1st anniversary coming up and bought their g/f diamond earrings. Lucky girl.

 

Yeah, my situation is different, in that I consider the breakup to be "situational". It wasn't about whether or not we love each other, but the fact that he couldn't handle all the other issues around us being together. His daughter's behaviour being the main symptom of a much bigger problem. However, in time I am sure they will work all their issues out, hopefully in the next 6-18 months, sooner if they get well-needed grief-counselling.

 

In the meantime, I am doing my best to move forward and be good to myself, and also not being too closed off to anything new that might come along -- although rignt now, there is no way I could even think about dating or being with anyone else, and I expect he is the same way. In fact the entire reason he feels he can't be in a relationship right now is he feels he needs to devote himself to his kids 100% right now, so chances of him dating again in the next while are pretty slim. So, at least I don't have to hear that he has moved on in that sense (and if he has, more the fool me, but I think I know him well enough to know that won't happen).

 

As far as LC goes, I really might "light" and one-way. I think I made myself pretty clear about not attempting to hang out or talk on the phone, like old friends. I already know what my triggers are, and my fear is that I would push him further away if I didn't see any immediate progress. I told him I was an "all or nothing" type of person and he respects that. He knows he would only be hurting me more if he tried to meet for coffee or fill me in on his latest business venture and then do nothing else. He knows that if he ever shows up at my door, it has to be with a ring in his back pocket, and so it's all very black and white as far as that goes.

 

He is the type that will want to make absolutely sure he won't hurt me again, and that he has sorted out all his own issues before he would approach me, so when he does come back, I know he really means it. However, he also knows that although I told him to "take all the time he needs, I will be right here", that there are no guarantees, and that in time, my feelings could change and I won't wait forever. It wasn't a threat, it was merely a statement. So, he knows he is taking a risk. However, right now, I think he feels that this is the only choice he can make.

[jmh1216]

I think when two people are in love with each other, regardless of the circumstances, there's always a good chance for reconciliation. Circumstances might change, but if you love each other, you should be optimistic that you'll see through it.

[trishcollins]

jmh1216,

 

Thanks, I agree 100%, and I am trying very hard to be positive. I waited 25 years to meet my "soul mate", I can wait a while longer for us to be together forever.

[trishcollins]

I can't believe I made it through the day and actually feel okay. I feel like I have turned a corner and I am ready to move on. It's a place I didn't think I would get to, but after talking to him yesterday morning and realizing that his life is such a mess (and me being in it would simply make it worse), that I don't really want to be with him -- at least not right now. It was a very enlightening feeling and I must say, I hope it lasts.

 

Just a positive note to encourage others that your feelings of despair and agony will go away, and you will feel better at some point.

 

I am not saying that I am completely over him -- after all we had plans to be married and together for ever, and I don't make those commitments lightly. But what it did do was put the entire relationship into perspective and I realize now there is no way it would ever work until he goes away and gets his life sorted, and somehow that really helps me. I want to move on with my own life, and be happy again. And whatever happens, happens.

 

It's a good feeling to finally be in this "happy" place again.