NC for 4 weeks then Ex contacts me and wants to hang out.???

[NoDice]

Here is my original post about the break up...

 

So my girlfriend(and coworker) of the last 5 months dumped me right before 4th of july, throughout our time together there were issues with her communicating, her ex would not give us space( would go out of his way to make an appearance/ text her at night) and she stopped being friends with him because of it but blamed me, even though he obviously still had feelings for her. She hated arguing, which we only did 4 times, walked all over me most of the time, but I still loved her and would let her know that since she told me that this was her first serious relationship (shes 27) that that kind of stuff wasn't cool. Anyways I treated her like a queen for the most part, I was understanding, caring, loving, supportive, and willing. I got her flowers, spent mothers day with her mom and grandma and family(first bf to do that), gifts, suprizes, did yard work for her, fixed her bike, picking up the tab usually, massages, cooked dinner, anything really...and without her asking most of the time and not really caring if I got anything in return. she would go quiet if I was ever bummed out and flip any situation back onto me for example "Me- You told me you coming over after the movie at your place that was done at 9, I was waiting since then and its now 11:30" Why didn't you give me a heads up?'- "My roommates(who adored me) and I started playing a drinking game instead and got drunk, I didn't feel like taking the bus, and knew you would be upset so I didn't want to call" "Why are you making me feel like **** for wanting to have fun with my friends?" But other times things were good and she would tell my how good i was to her, and that I am a keeper like her mom said. So a few months ago she backs out of our plan on moving in later this year because we argue and that scares her, then 3 weeks ago she un-invites me on the hawaii trip she and her friends were going on a week after inviting me.. so I was let down and I asked her "do I make you happy?" and shes like yeah but I need space,(fyi- she was unhappy with her roommates, her job, her dysfunctional dad, her cats, and her friends) and I asked ok well "if I wasn't making you happy you would tell me right?" and shes like of course you do...

 

So she comes over one night after work (to hang out & spend the night she said)and a great! week together... all of the sudden she starts talking about how things have been so rough between us and how she doesn't know if its going to work but it has to, we talk then kiss have sex(sex was horrible because towards the very end she went dead fish and at the very end started crying) I wouldn't have done it if I had noticed we both got off but after she got off it was like a different story..I felt horrible still do.. anyways she says she doesn't know if she loves me..even though 20 mins before she said she did...started bawling for 45 mins saying shes so unhappy, that we aren't a good match, that we bring out the worst in each other, etc etc etc every vague excuse ever..no concrete reasons.. then starts crying again and holds me, then lays on the couch holding her stomach telling me to look at what its doing to her..I was calm held her hand and said "baby no relationship is going to be easy but if there were things bothering you, why wait till now to bring them up instead of address them when they first started?" No answer! She said it had been stewing for over a month, and that she felt awful about it and cried more, said I was a good person but not right for her...she left, then I ran outside grabbed her and kissed and hugged her and told her think about it..and that I loved her..(called her 3 times right after she left but she didn't pick up, shock reaction)..

 

then NC.

 

So the next day I called into work because I was crying like goat and didn't want to see her, trying to figure out why this had happened, and what her reasons were, she wasn't very mature, shy, very flighty, and pretty in that too pretty to not have issues way.

 

On the 4th... shes texts me saying shes playing pinball(something i taught her) and that she cares... I was weak and said I cared and asked if we could try again? She said "I do care, but I don't know right now sorry" I text back like an idiot saying "We had something, there was some kind of love between us, I wish you would give it a chance, I still love you"...she texts back " I am drunk right now, so it doesn't count"..

 

NC again

 

on thursday I found out I was being asked to resign because of calling in on sunday even though my manager gave it to me off...(best week ever)

 

on friday my next day I was suppose to be back at work she texts me during the day "did you quit work?'..I ignored it.

 

So I am stuck, I look back and see she treated me like total **** sometimes, but other times she was supportive and nice...I never was rude to her, or cheat, or anything, or did anything to piss her off really. She would always say you are so great and honorable thats why I am hanging onto you. The thing is I don't know if shes going to try and contact me again, because so far when I have been trying to heal, when I am hitting a break through she pops up..

 

Could things ever work out? I am not sure to me and to my understanding she has things she needs to work out with herself, if I am just some casualty of her trying to make her life a better place then whatever, but I do still love her even though shes one cold ass child/woman..My main issue with letting go is that physically she was my ideal type (tall, I am 6'6 so its hard to find) dark hair, dark eyes, nice body, we had a lot in common since I was barely a year older. Its just hard ...shes still on my FB(deleted now) since we have a ton of mutual work friends or ex work friends now...

 

What do I do? How do I cope when it seems like she just got scared backed out? I feel like I lost the best thing ever? And honestly I treated her better than any girl I have ever dated! I lost my job(and where she worked) in part because of my reaction to this...not even my fiance leaving me was so confusing or hurtful.

 

Finding a new job isn't hard but giving the impression that I quit because of her, which I didn't really sucks hard ****.

 

 

 

 

So after nearly 4 weeks of NC, randomly last night around 11:30pm, I get a text from my Ex's number saying "Hey I am at the bar accross from your place, going to have some beer and play some pinball if you are interested". I was out with friends else where but we were going to head there soon since its my local bar, and a bar I frequent because that there was no chance of running into her since she only ever went there with me(and honestly its a * * * * ty bar and she really has no reason to want to go there). Its not in her neighborhood, nobody she knows aside from me really goes there, and we had a lot of goodtimes there as all the bartenders knew us as a couple... I ignored the text and didn't reply, then 10 minutes later she calls, I don't pick up and she leaves no messege. It kind of shocked me a bit because of what she said last time we talked, was super hurtful towards me, and really hasn't made any attempt at reconciliation. I still miss her, but I was really starting to move on and try and get my life back together since as in my orinal post, I lost my job at the place where she worked a day after she broke up with me... My question is did I do the right thing?, part of me would like to make things work out and she knows I was more than willing to work on things from the beginning and still had hope and cared about us/her. She doesn't have anything of mine and there is no reason in my mind that she should contact me unless she is 100% willing and able to work out but it would take so much and her vague text didn't really say much. What should I do?

[Hollyj]

This girl was never in the relationship and repeatedly disrespected you. I think you need to ask yourself, why you want her back and why this treatment was OK?

 

She also sounds very selfish. And, the thing with the ex was ridiculous, if she cared for you she would not have allowed that to continue.

 

This was not a healthy relationship from the beginning, and I'm sorry to say you were allowing to treat you like a doormat.

 

I recommend that you get your dignity back and remain NC, as all this girl will do is bring you pain and drama.

 

Sorry, for being so tough but you really let her walk all over you.

[NoDice]

This girl was never in the relationship and repeatedly disrespected you. I think you need to ask yourself, why you want her back and why this treatment was OK?

 

She also sounds very selfish. And, the thing with the ex was ridiculous, if she cared for you she would not have allowed that to continue.

 

This was not a healthy relationship from the beginning, and I'm sorry to say you were allowing to treat you like a doormat.

 

I recommend that you get your dignity back and remain NC, as all this girl will do is bring you pain and drama.

 

Sorry, for being so tough but you really let her walk all over you.

 

Thank You, at the time and in hindsight I did realize she was using me and not appreciating me. I would get down about it and she would ignore my feelings or say she would make a change. I told her I was being disrespected many times and that is usually when we would argue or she would walk away and go home.

 

I am still attached to her physically, and mentally almost totally unattached .. I still care about her which is dumb on my part and only because I saw a scared little girl behind her facade that I wanted to help..

 

I don't know if I want her back or not, there would have to be a lot of groundwork on her part and I would need to heal completely first. The treatment was never ok, I would vocalize this when it happened and it always ended with "sorry, i will do better , I promise" ..

 

I don't hate her, I feel bad for her, and I look back and see it was a sh*tstorm right after the first month.

 

But why would she go out of her way to a bar I frequent, hang out, and offer and invitation...can people really be that oblivious?

What was she thinking? And why call after 4 weeks..after just walking away?

 

Thanks Hollyj

[Hollyj]

Hon,

 

She wants and ego stroke and that's it. My ex did the same to me and the best thing I did for myself was go NC. Forever!

 

The most important thing i learned is I cannot be with someone if I have to expect them to change. This is who they are and we have to accept this. If the treatment was never OK, then why would you want her. I think you need to look within yourself as to why you would want someone who disrespected you. I would also ask, if this were happening to your best friend, would you feel the same. I feel you need to start showing yourself some value and respect, and it will not come from going back to her.

 

You have already shown her that she can disrespect you, I hate to say it but, she will never be able to respect someone that she was able to mistreat.

 

If you have a pattern with troubled women that you feel the need to help, I would look into co-dependency .