New Relationship.... Shes having doubts

[boardcool]

Let me first off and say that this is my first post, however I have been reading this forum for some time.

 

Ok, so I have been seeing this girl for a few months now. Initially, she had decided that all she wanted was a friends with benefits relationship. I was down for that being as how I was in one years ago it worked out great. Granite, this was the first time someone had ever came out and said that straight up, and right away. Well a few weeks after this I really started getting feelings for her and she did with me. She got nervous and thought we should stop seeing each other yet she really likes me and told me I am def relationship material. as for our relationship at this point we were seeing each other everyday, sleeping with one another and doing date type things. Holding hands in public and what not. She is an amazing girl and we click on very different levels, yet at the same time two compeletly different people. She is extremely introverted and that is def not who I am. I have yet to meet her family or her mine. She has meet several of my friends and i have hers.

 

Fast forward to now. I can seem like she is kind of distancing her from me and I asked her about it. She said she really likes me and that I am a great guy and yatty yatty but that she just thinks we are two very different people and is having doubts about moving forward. We talked and agreed to see how it goes. She does sometimes get upset with little things that i just don't understand. I am a very outgoing person who kids around a lot. I never take life too seriously but when things need to get done, they do. She says that she sometimes has a hard time understanding my humor and doesnt know when I am joking or not.

 

We both want this to work, its just if she has having doubts so soon, is it even worth it. I have really fallen for this girl and could see myself with her for a long time. When it is just the two of us together, it is sooo perfect. it is just when we are with others and out and about, clubs or bars, do things get rocky a little. I just really want this to work between us. I know I am sounding like a * * * * * , but this girl does it to me. I havent dated seriously in a few years bc of a damaging relationship of 6 years. But there is something this girl does to me that makes me want to fight for this t work. Am I crazy? Is it even worth it? Is having doubts in a new relationship bad?

[Ms Darcy]

When did you get out of your 6-year relationship? How long have you two been in an official relationship? How old are you both? Are you still seeing each other every day?

[boardcool]

When did you get out of your 6-year relationship? How long have you two been in an official relationship? How old are you both? Are you still seeing each other every day?

 

We have been official for a little over a month.... I am 25 and she is 23.... We see each other about 4 times a week or so. Her past relationship was more jacked than mine... guy was an emotional wreck....I just dont know what to do... I will explain in a little.. This girl is something really special to me... and it just hurts. I just don't know if she is ready to fully commit even though we are technacially together ya know. I have never posted this kind of stuff online so this is all new to me!! Please any help!

[boardcool]

I have come to conclusion that this girl is a narcissist! She only wants me around when it is convienent for her. She will make plans with me and they will fall through... Ignore me for hours on end after I try contacting her and then go on to say "hey stranger".... It's a very sad trait and I have realized I am going to have to cut my losses here. It's hard bc I have tried plain her games by not contacting her at times but my heart is too big for that... Any suggestions would be great!! Thanks

[boardcool]

The sad thing is there are so many traits about her that I love. I love that she is a very strong and determined individual. I understand there are times in life where selfishness is a great thing. However, when it affects others negatively is when it becomes a problem. I have been doing a lot of reading on narcissism and it is her to a T. Its like she reeled me and got what she wanted from me, and then is trying to drop me. The odd thing is that she still trys to keep me around by the little things she says to me. Like hey, what are you doing. You didn't text me goodnight last night. Its odd because there are have been countless times where I have texted or phoned her and she has not responded. Its like there is this nasty game that she has decided to play and I am not willing to play it anymore. It is very hard for me when I don't hear from her all day after several texts or calls and she then texts me way later in the evening and with some short and snood comment. Its like, what happened to us? Everything was soooo perfect a few weeks ago and now it has come to this!!I am still thinking there is some small glimmer of hope with her... But everyone is telling me she is not the one for you, you are too old to be dealing with this kind of stuff again, and you just need to move on.

 

 

Come someone please chime in on this and give me their honest opinion.... Thanks!!

[PetiteGirl]

To me it sounds more like a combination of infatuation, moving too fast in a relationship and communication issues. Plus you guys have been official for a little over a month, that's not a long time at all.

 

You have a lot of expectation from her that she probably doesn't know about. To me you sound clingy. Seeing each other more than 3-4 times a week is a lot. It's probably taking away the time she needed for work, school, chores, friends and family. Give her a break, she has a life, you know.

[boardcool]

Thanks... Things have been going somewhat better but i am just not sure still. We just hung out last night after not seeing each other for about 6 days or so. In between this time is when everything was wishy washy with us. I played hard to get because I was sick of her constantly not returning my calls or texts. It was like i was giving so much of myself and not seeing anything in return. Well lets fast forward to last night. She was suppose to come over after I got off work and we were going to get coffee. I was pumped all day for this. Well I talk to her in the morning and everything is good and sweet. Well when I get out of work she tells me she will be over in a few shes just finishing up some things at the house. Well... I don't hear from her hours later and she tells me she falls asleep and now wants to go out with her friends to the bars. This has been several times that she has flaked on me! Well i end up going along with her and her friends and a few others... the night was great! We talk all night... kiss goodnight and super stoaked for today because we are suppose to hang out. Also, I even took off of work today so we can hang out all day.... Well, fastforward to NOW! I have tried contacting her a few different times and nothing! I know she is awake bc of facebook, call me crazy but yea i know.... I have yet to hear from her, we made all these plans, and once again, I hear nothing! What should I take from this?? I am getting worn out emotionally...I dont want to be sitting around waiting for her, I do have things to do but it seems all of my emotional energy is spent on her!!

 

I know she has family issues and her friends are a little wild at times. But I just fear because our relationship is sooo new that this will continue for some time. I just need help, and I think I know what I should do!!

 

Please someone with some clear answers! She continually says shes really into me, likes me a lot, and wants to see where this can go... but her actions are not showing it all! Is she scared of commitment? She says I am not being pushy with her at all, but I feel I am if I contact her several times and she doesn't answer!! She'll even be like well you only called me twice!! Im like * * * ! So you want me to constantly bug you, is that how you want me to show that I care?? I do a lot of nice things for her with surprises and being a gentleman when I am with her. Is her interest level just dying? Its like when we are together everything is soooo great... It is when we are not that I have doubts and her intentions...

 

 

PLEASE HELP!! It is making me crazy!!

 

To me it sounds more like a combination of infatuation, moving too fast in a relationship and communication issues. Plus you guys have been official for a little over a month, that's not a long time at all.

 

You have a lot of expectation from her that she probably doesn't know about. To me you sound clingy. Seeing each other more than 3-4 times a week is a lot. It's probably taking away the time she needed for work, school, chores, friends and family. Give her a break, she has a life, you know.

[tresqua]

I can seem like she is kind of distancing her from me and I asked her about it. She said she really likes me and that I am a great guy and yatty yatty but that she just thinks we are two very different people and is having doubts about moving forward.

 

We both want this to work

 

Wrong. If she wanted it to work she wouldn't be distancing herself from you, expressing doubts, and saying how different the two of you are.

 

makes me want to fight for this t work. Am I crazy? Is it even worth it? Is having doubts in a new relationship bad?

 

I wont say you're crazy based on what you've posted here, but you're definitely somewhat "misguided" or "misinformed" if you think you can fight for a person and somehow force or coerce them to want to be with you.

 

A dumper who is "on the fence" is sort of like a poorly trained dog off a leash. You go for a walk.. and the dog starts to get ahead of you. You call it back but it doesn't listen! So what do you do next.. you CHASE AFTER it. What does the dog do next?

 

If you want the dog to come BACK, you run the OTHER WAY.

 

Simple aint it?

 

PS dogs are not people it's just a metaphor and there are no guarantees of success

[tresqua]

she tells me she will be over in a few shes just finishing up some things at the house. Well... I don't hear from her hours later and she tells me she falls asleep and now wants to go out with her friends to the bars. This has been several times that she has flaked on me!

 

That's not flaking that's disrespecting because she just doesn't care enough about you to be considerate of your feelings or promises she has made to you.

 

Well i end up going along with her and her friends and a few others

 

You have plans for her to come over..just you and her.. she never calls..hours later she says she's going to bars with friends and you tag along? Damn see my post above about the dog off leash.. I think you're him. Except there IS a leash, an "emotional one".

 

I have tried contacting her a few different times and nothing! I know she is awake bc of facebook, call me crazy but yea i know.... I have yet to hear from her, we made all these plans, and once again, I hear nothing! What should I take from this??

 

I would take it that you are of little to no importance in her life, or you can come up with some sort of "personality disorder" or write it all off to flakiness if that is an easier pill to swallow.

 

Net result is the same.

 

You sir are allowing yourself to be treated like a trained house pet.

[boardcool]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I came to find out this morning that she had a medical emergency and has been in the hospital ever since. She even had her brother get her cell phone so she could let me know. She was going to call me when she got out of the shower and thats when it happened. I know this has been an ongoing thing with her from the get go. I am trying to understand this medical condition that she has but it really seems to be taking a toll on our relationship. I am not going to give up on her that easily as she has asked why bother with me, I am sick. I too have chronic medical conditions that need assistance from time time, so I understand. With all that said, is this a sign that she is really not willing to want someone at the moment because of her conditions and is trying to just deal with it all on her own and doesn't have time for someone like me. I have said it before but she does something to me that no other woman has ever done in the past. I just really wish I could help her out, not change her, just be there for her as much as I can. At the same time... do you think she is using this as an excuse? Like something that she can fall back onto if things get bad? I know medical conditions are hard but you know, life isn't always the way it pans out to be as far as health is concerned, and some people just have it harder than others, its just a matter of how you handle them.

 

Please once again, chime in.. Thank you everyone... I have a lot of thinking to do and you have all been of great help!!

[tresqua]

At the same time... do you think she is using this as an excuse? Like something that she can fall back onto if things get bad

 

Let me answer your question with another question that just 'might' get you thinking. The operative word of course, being "might" because your current emotional state makes it impossible to see what's right in front of your eyes.

 

Ok, are you ready? No that wasn't the question, here it is:

 

Do you think she was using the medical condition as an excuse the night she said she'd be over in a few minutes, then you didn't hear from her for hours and then she said she was going out to a bar with her friends?

 

THINK MAN

[boardcool]

Let me answer your question with another question that just 'might' get you thinking. The operative word of course, being "might" because your current emotional state makes it impossible to see what's right in front of your eyes.

 

Ok, are you ready? No that wasn't the question, here it is:

 

Do you think she was using the medical condition as an excuse the night she said she'd be over in a few minutes, then you didn't hear from her for hours and then she said she was going out to a bar with her friends?

 

THINK MAN

 

Tresqua, you are right. My current emotional state makes it near impossible to see anything else but what I am feeling. I know she wasn't using her medical condition the other night, however, I knew she was going out with her friends after we were to get coffee, she just had fallen asleep. Mind you, her medical condition has her passing out randomly, I have seen it with my own eyes, its quiet scary. I have been texting her back and forth since yesterday. I have yet to go see her at the hospital due to the fact that I have not meet her parentals yet. From what she texts me, it shows that she does care! "I just wish you were here, holding my hand and by my side" "I miss you so much" and "you going to be the first person I see when I am out of here"... With things like that, how could I not see that she really does care. Or should I be taking the high road as actions speak louder than words? The odd thing about me is I am a very logical person in every other aspects of my life, I am an accountant, yet when it comes to women, my emotional state just seems to take over! How should I go about this from here on out? Thank You Everyone!!

[tresqua]

I'm not sure if you get my point or not... you seem to be defending her actions and putting it all on the medical condition "that you have seen for yourself".

 

I'm going to spell it out to remove any confusion.

 

She says all sorts of sweet lovey dovey stuff about missing you and all that. You can take that and push it to the side because what people SAY isn't nearly as important as what they DO.

 

Ok so far?

 

Now using the example of the falling asleep then going out with friends... because this sort of thing apparently happens quite a bit.

 

Let's take it at face value. She has plans to be over in a few minutes..she falls asleep due to her narcolepsy or whatever the medical condition happens to be, hours later she wakes up and suddenly decides to change her plans. She says to you "I am going out with friends". Does this sound to you like someone who gives a rat's ass about YOU or who cares about the fact that you were waiting around for hours only to give you the brush off? At the very LEAST she could have said "look I fell asleep I'm really sorry but now I am in a bind because I had plans to go out with friends after hanging out with you, what do you say we all go out together?"

 

But she didn't.. did she? In fact as far as you knew she was coming over to spend the whole evening with you, not just come over then leave a few hours later, isn't that right? So she CHANGED HER MIND AND BLEW YOU OFF, although she was nice enough to let you tag along with her friends after you asked if you could go.

 

That's not someone who cares, no matter what they might tell you.

[boardcool]

True, she did however feel extremely bad and did want me to come along, becuase I had known she was going out with her friends later on that evening... I guess its just me trying to justify her actions... I haven't heard from her since last evening, but who knows, she could still be in the hospital... I really just don't know how to go about it... I mean, should I get closer with her all together or just leave it at what it is and not talk to her at all... I am one that needs closure in these types of situations due to the fact that I am always thinking there is some hope because nothing was left said.... I really just cant get her off of my mind and its not healthy at all... I think it comes down to myself more than anything and throwing my eggs in one basket when it comes to woman and haltering my life.... There are sooo many things that I have been putting hold due to this, it is really just unhealthy.. I am still confused on how someone could say all these lovely things about someone and then act completely different. Are they scared to tell me how they really feel? Do they want to keep me around as someone they can fall back on? It just isn't fair and I have myself sitting over here on the sidelines, I really just wish she would come around but at the moment it doesn't seem like she will. I really can't force someone to do anything. I had fallen for her over time. It was very odd, I had never been with someone initially like her who had soooo much interest in me! It was sooo crazy! It was like she had fallen in love with me our second date! It goes from all of that initially to this? How does that work? I still want to give this a fighting chance but my logical part of my brain is telling me that it is not worth it and just to give it up... I just don't know how I should go about it!! Do I cut off all communications, get closer like I need, or continue having her on mind.... It really sucks and at times i feel like curling up in a ball and just waiting for her... Call me crazy, but my emotions have gotten the best of me.

 

There are a lot of things in my life that need to be situated. I know several people that have gotten in relationships due to the security of it and everything else in their life is out of wack. I really seem to be falling into that category as of the late. I just need to start becoming more selfish and taking care of myself. I always lived by the motto that if you cant take of yourslef, how can you take care of someone else. Yet, look at me at the moment. I seem to be a damn wreck emotionally. I was even thinking of going and seeing a physcologist about this. I have talked to several friends of mine who say this girl is just bad news; and as you have all noticed I am not listening. It is really hard to get a balance with my logical and emotions. I have let my emotions take over. I know people say listen to your heart, but look at me! This is really not normal. I have been in relationships in the past that have been work, but not this much work!!

 

How do I go about telling her all of this??? Please, I am really going to take your sound advice, its just I really do not know how to go about it all...

[tresqua]

True, she did however feel extremely bad and did want me to come along, becuase I had known she was going out with her friends later on that evening...

 

Well if she did have plans to go out with her friends all along and it was her who suggested you come along then it's not all that bad.. at least as that one particular situation goes, but it sounds like she's got a pattern of blowing you off without a care in the world.

 

I haven't heard from her since last evening

 

Talk about patterns...

 

should I get closer with her all together or just leave it at what it is and not talk to her at all..

 

I vote for "back off and let her come to you". And let her know that if you've got plans you expect her to keep them, you've got a busy life too ya know. You HAVE to take a hard line or she'll continue to step all over you.

 

I am one that needs closure in these types of situations

 

Forget about "closure". Closure at the end of a relationship when you've been dumped is a very rare commodity.

 

I am still confused on how someone could say all these lovely things about someone and then act completely different. Are they scared to tell me how they really feel? Do they want to keep me around as someone they can fall back on?

 

Two excellent possibilities right there.

 

It just isn't fair

 

One of my pet peeves, almost as high on the list as using "and what not" in a forum post.

 

Lose the victim mentality and stop whining about fairness. Life isn't 'fair' and she isn't obligated to give you the time of day let alone explain her actions. It's your choice to make a stand, and decide how you will allow yourself to be treated before you walk away.

 

Call me crazy, but my emotions have gotten the best of me.

 

Turn it around, don't give into it, get busy doing something productive. A regular work out program comes to mind, something that gets the heart rate up and the blood pumping. If you're like me, stepping on that treadmill is a chore but when you step off... damn you can't bottle the stuff that's circulating around your body that makes you feel so good.

[PetiteGirl]

Well, from what you told us, I'm just gonna say this: "action speaks louder than words." The girl's words don't match with her action. If you are this miserable in this relationship, you'll probably be happier single.

 

Closure is overrated. Move on. You have to work on yourself first before you can be with someone else. Otherwise you're going to get used like a tool.