6 months and I still find myself crying.

[Tryptophan]

In the shower. Right before I hit the pillow. Long drive homes. After getting home and having a fun day—and then realizing what's missing.

 

I think about him from my waking moment until I go to sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, he's there on my mind too.

 

It's not a bunch of tears, but they're significant enough to make me feel weak.

 

It's been six months and I honestly feel I should be over this—considering the relationship was barely a year. It's not even my first relationship. We've actually just been NC for about 4, but I've been crying for the whole 6. If there's someone out there who's still not over it after six months, please share. I've started to feel like an alien!

 

I know the story, "It takes everyone different times, there's not a formula." But it still helps to know I'm not the only one. Please share!

[moonfunk]

Hi T,

 

I am 4.5 months into a BU after a 5 year relationship and found myself bursting into tears for no reason the other night. I am LC due to the child we have together so i see her on a weekly basis. I think about her daily and at the moment I am having good and bad days, coming home to an empty house is the worst. It is her birthday in 3 weeks so that is another hurdle I will need to overcome as I know she will be sharing it with her new bf....ho-hum.

 

Have you read the advice that other forum members have given as it is really good? Have you went full NC i.e deleted fb etc? How do you occupy your time? As you said there is no formula to heal as everyone is different. You just need to take each day at time, love yourself, be strong and move forward in the healing process at your own pace. You will get there.

 

mf

[richmonder80]

It took me over two years to get over my ex. But it does get easier. In that two years, I tried to feel the void with other women but it only made me feel more alone. I somehow stumbble to God and he has filled that void. Jesus feeled my heart with love and wholesomeness I just can't explain. Look to him and he will help you. Psalm 30:2 I prayed to you, Lord God, and you healed me. I pray that he heals your heart as he did mine.

[LTS48]

I too am curious, 6 months is a good chunk of time. Let's look at this from an objective standpoint:

 

1. Have you deleted him/friends from fbook?

2. Have you been inquiring with mutual friends as to what he might be up to?

3. Have you tried dating other people? (Doesn't have to stick, just try)

4. Are you going out and meeting new people?

5. Have you taken stock of the relationship? What you did wrong? What he did wrong?

6. Back in the early stages of NC did you let him/her know not to contact you? Or was it assumed.

 

There are steps you can take, but one of the most effective seems to be letting things hurt while taking solace in the fact that you have taken steps to end things once and for all.

[Tryptophan]

I too am curious, 6 months is a good chunk of time. Let's look at this from an objective standpoint:

 

1. Have you deleted him/friends from fbook?

2. Have you been inquiring with mutual friends as to what he might be up to?

3. Have you tried dating other people? (Doesn't have to stick, just try)

4. Are you going out and meeting new people?

5. Have you taken stock of the relationship? What you did wrong? What he did wrong?

6. Back in the early stages of NC did you let him/her know not to contact you? Or was it assumed.

 

There are steps you can take, but one of the most effective seems to be letting things hurt while taking solace in the fact that you have taken steps to end things once and for all.

 

I figure I would answer this one since moonfunk also asked similar questions.

 

1. Yes, we are no longer friends on FB. I fully haven't been around his FB for 3 1/2 months though. It was us trying to be "just friends" for a couple of months—that didn't work obviously. FB, sex, and contact didn't help the friend part.

 

2. I haven't inquired but the friends do tell me how he's doing as if I'd like to know—horrible—so I've recently lost contact with all of them as well. I could not go a day with someone saying, "I bet you two will end up getting back together". When I asked not to, it would always be a hint or mentioning him, or saying comments like, "Maybe next week we can come by with X", or they would ask if it would bother me to hang out with him and them which was obvious. Last time I heard of these comments were about a month ago though.

 

3. I did try. I dated one guy for a whole month, but I couldn't get myself to be sexual with him or anything because it would remind me of my ex. I gave up on that particular guy but I still go on dates. I always find myself comparing him to my ex, and although they're relatively "better", nothing gives me that spark back.

 

4. I do go out and meet new people. This distracts me but the problem is the times that I'm alone. It just really hits home when I'm alone. It's like a bucket of cold water thrown at me once I'm alone.

 

5. Yes, I know what we both did wrong perfectly well.

 

6. We both kind of came up with the idea of staying away from each other (initiated by me). Then it just happened. I haven't had trouble staying NC but I do miss being with him. Sometimes I think of going over his house just to see him but then it hits me how irrational that is (and stalker-like).

[Snuggly]

If you miss him so much, why not try again? Maybe you can resolve the issues that lead you to break up? And yeah, I still think about my ex all the time and cry lots after 8 months. Its OK (hugs)

[MasterPo]

It's just grief and your body releasing the stress. I still think of my EX at least once or twice a day, sometimes the "day dreams" would be so realistic (her smile, her laugh, etc.) that I would feel the emotions choking my heart and throat. Never cried once. I envy you on that as I think it might have helped. I run and lift weights instead - it helps as well as bleating to friends and familiy. Why not eh?

 

Rest. Eat well. Smile. Practice your confidence and be kind to yourself. It will pass but no one knows when. Tomorrow or next Friday. Good luck.

[mrwebcam]

i am 8 months and it feels like it never gonna go away. I shake my head everyday in disbelief that she is gone and may be never coming back. You would think after being with someone and two weeks after BU she is dating another guy i wouldn't want her back, but i really would take her back. It was much more than love and a relationship with her. I miss her like crazy and i even had my nephew move into my condo, just so i wouldn't go crazy *sigh*. But i hope you get better as for all the enaers having a hard time with this hardships.

[StillHopeful88]

I'm 10 months into the breakup with my first love and up until 1 month ago i was still constantly thinking about him. It took talking to a new guy and that new guy making me feel happy to forget about my ex. Who knows if i'll start thinking about my ex again if i end things with this guy, but all i know is that you need to feel happy again. Once somebody makes you feel happy, the way u used to feel with your ex, you might slowly start forgetting about him and realize that he isnt, and wont be the only guy that's going to make you happy again.

 

Know that you aren't alone and many, many other people are going through the same thing. You're going to have good and bad days, but i promise you eventually it's going to start going away. You may have a good streak, and then go straight back to the crying, but look at everyday as progress

[tacs1895]

You're not alone. My breakup was six months ago, and I'm still far from over it. In fact, just realized in replying to this thread, it was six months ago from today exactly.

 

I find it's worth trying to take a step back and try to get some perspective; while I'm still finding things incredibly tough and my mood is still very up and down, there is a general trend of improvement over the months. Sometimes when you're feeling down it can be easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. I have a long way to go still, and don't know how long it'll be or what it'll take for me for to fully move on, but I do at least know that I'm on the path.

 

I find it very hard to let go because there are so many confusing thoughts about the relationship, and about myself personally. And also I still have to see and hear about my ex a fair amount, as our work and social lives are so connected (check my "managing the situation with my ex" thread for details...) The other thing I try to do which also helps is to try to focus on the positive things that have come out of it - the new things I've done and experienced which I might not have otherwise, and the things I'm learning about myself which hopefully can lead me to become a better person.

 

You're definitely not alone... I've found this thread reassuring for myself, I hope it is for you too. It does help to know that there are others out there who know, understand, appreciate and recognize what you're going through. Good luck to everyone, we will all get there eventually.

[lemsip]

It took talking to a new guy and that new guy making me feel happy to forget about my ex. Who knows if i'll start thinking about my ex again if i end things with this guy, but all i know is that you need to feel happy again. Once somebody makes you feel happy, the way u used to feel with your ex, you might slowly start forgetting about him and realize that he isnt, and wont be the only guy that's going to make you happy again.

 

This unintentionally depressed the hell outa me as it's exactly how I think my ex is feeling at the minute about being with her new guy!

[StillHopeful88]

Im sorry lemsip! But look on the bright side and use that situation towards yourself

Our ex's will never have the same moments with their new people as they did with us and we were all special to them in our own ways. I'm sure you'll find someone that makes you feel even better than your ex and you'll understand what i mean

[RS11]

I've been in NC for over four months now too and I am in the same boat as you are. I feel miserable. I think I feel worse now than I did in the beginning of NC. Now it is setting in that he is not coming back. The bad memories are seeming to fade and the good ones remain. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I hate coming home to an empty house and having no one to talk to about my day, like I used to do when we lived together. I don't really have any "helpful words" to offer...sorry...but just wanted you to know you are not alone. I hope it starts to feel better soon...for both of us!

[look2thestars]

We've been broken up for 9 months and NC for 7 months and I still miss him and think of him everyday. I just saw a pic of him and his new girl and it broke my heart all over again. I feel so pathetic as everyone says "enough is enough. Get over it already". Its just not that easy because I truly loved him. What sucks the most is that he lives 12 hours away now. He really isn't coming back, but i just can't seem to understand that. He made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me and he was happy without me in his life. Harsh!

 

You are not alone and I am sorry that you are going through this pain. I have started counsling, maybe that would be something you would be interested in as well?

[Di84]

Hey..

I'm glad I came accross this post.

It's been 9 months since my ex and I broke up and exactly 3 months of absolutely zero contact. He now has a new girlfriend as well and is doing all the things we used to do with each other for 4 yrs, with her. I still cry over him from time to time and still find myself thinking of him from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. It's so hard to move on from love - when it was real love. I don't believe real love goes away ever but I do believe time makes it easier for us to live without the ones we love. My problem is I keep imagining him taking her out, laughing with her, spending time home alone with her, ...all that stuff we used to do.....now with her. Sometimes I find it so unfair that the dumper always seems to find love again and the dumpee is left waiting around for so much longer.

I woke up this morning with heartbreak again. I saw pictures of his new girlfriend the other day and it just hurt me so much.

Let's keep strong. It's normal that we still hurt over our exs.....afterall, we are human with real hearts.

[look2thestars]

Di84...i agree with you 100% when you say about it being unfair that the dumper finds love while we seem to be stuck sometimes. My thoughts on that is that they obviously were "over us" long before they broke it off. That's the only reason i can think of for them being able to move on to someone else so quickly. It hurts to think that i meant so little to my ex that he can just forget about me "just like that" (snapping my fingers lol). No one knows what the future will bring. We just have to keep hope that things will turn out okay

[LaKings55]

I certainly know where you guys are coming from. My exgf was terrible for me. She did nothing but create drama and bring anxiety into my life. Yet, when we were good we were amazing, and I feel hard for her. I was lied to, manipulated, and neglected and that's not a needy guy saying that, I think living 5 mins apart, and seeing each other less and less, to the point of maybe a couple hours every other week is ridiculous. Why even be in a relationship at that point? She was seeing her sister's BF who had a key to their house for some reason almost every day! Yet I get to be thankful for whatever scraps of her time get thrown my way? I kept wondering how we went from seeing each other nearly everyday, or at least a few times a week when first started dating to about the 6 month point, but actually grew more distant as time went on. I tried to keep the romance up without being overbearing, but its hard to do that when you make plans and have to cancel all the time, but I digress. I'm seriously considering never dating again, and not just because of my latest failed relationship. I honestly don't know if I want children to be raised in this world with an unsure, potentially unstable future. So that leads me to ask why should I marry? I enjoy sex, but I can certainly live without it. So, don't want kids, don't need a wife or a woman in my life. I certainly have no need to be loved. I think I'll just save all my money, and travel alone. Then when I die, I'll just leave everything to what little family I do have. I keep thinking how freeing it would be to just never have to worry about relationships again. No more first dates, no more approaching women. Sure it may be lonely at times, but whatever. My folks certainly didn't provide a good example for marriage.

[Tryptophan]

Thanks to everyone for sharing. It helps to know I am not an alien but I do agree that sometimes when I have a bad day, I lose sight of the bigger picture and think I haven't made any progress at all but I know I have. Before I couldn't even control the crying, and would stay home all weekend. At least now I go out on weekends and manage to keep him a couple of hours.

 

I do know that what it sucks is that we used to be so together and now we aren't together at all. We are practically strangers these days. And I know that's what breaks my heart because sometimes I'm afraid I'm gonna forget all the good things we did together. And honestly, I'm just scared that I'm ever gonna go through this again. I've been through breakups before but they were so much more sane in the sense that we just either went straight NC or he moved, which allowed for a much more gradual thing. With this one, we went from being the bestest of friends to complete strangers in a matter of weeks.

 

It breaks my heart but I do realize it had to happen. At least I haven't really been able to cry in the past few days, and I feel kind of numb. I'm much better now that I was 6 months ago, that's for sure. Thanks again, and feel free to keep on sharing.

[LaKings55]

I know, it's jarring, right? I still can't believe her and I went from reconnecting as adults to hanging out in a group to being great friends, to transitioning to a relationship, and then bang, absolutely nothing. I know the reasons, but it still doesn't make it any easier. I had gotten so accustomed to that group of people, and just having a part of my life based around that, that since it ended, there's just this sense of emptiness there, or a gaping hole in my social life. When it ended, I was completely cut off from that group of people. I feel like I'm back to square one, or where I was at a couple years ago in terms of a social life. Oh well

[nekoxchaos]

wow i can relate , i felt like that when i got home yesterday after pretty much going out and enjoying myself I find one little thing would set off my emotions. I also am on the 5-6 month point of NC, there have been a few close calls and even today I could have seen the ex but I'm so glad that it did not happen. I believe I have been healing, before I would be besides myself and get really emotional if I would get upset about something but over the past few months of NC I have gotten to the point where I'm dealing with my emotions alot better, so now I can just brush off my disappoinments and go on with my life.

[LaKings55]

Glad to hear it chaos! More power to you

[Tryptophan]

I avoid socializing these days because although it distracts me, when I get home and hit that pillow, my thoughts begin to wander even more than they usually do, which makes me cry... and cry. Then I just fall asleep crying and it leads me to have dreams. On the contrary, when I have a decent day with myself (though maybe not at all fun) I can go home and at least just rest.

 

I don't know how people do rebounds. I can't even kiss another guy without thinking of my ex. What bums me out is that we were together for less than a year. You would think I should be over this but no, it still affects me. I won't deny I have made progress but I know it's not nearly as much as it should be. It takes a while to get used to not feeling anything too. I feel so empty emotionally that I almost miss the drama. Intellectual/financial/academic fulfillment can only do so much.

[LaKings55]

Sadly, a lot of people use rebounds to get over their exes. I believe in healing completely before moving on, as long as hard as that takes. Of course, in my experiences, getting over someone has been as little as a few days, to my most current experience, and most painful pushing the 6 month mark. Of course, I tend to be a very logical, generally lacking in emotion type of guy, so I'm pretty good at pushing past my feelings. I don't bury them, but my mind accepts the logical explanations I have for the way things are. So, I've certainly had an easier time than most. I have not cried since I was maybe 9 (and that was when my dad had to leave for a military assignment for a year) but I did mope around for a couple weeks following the break-up. But, work has kept me busy, I've forced myself back into a social life, and gotten used to living without her. In fact, I'm so used to being single again, it might be a shock to my psyche to be in another serious relationship at some point. I've gone on a few dates, and have made out with a few women, and my ex was certainly far from my mind. Tryp, I hope things get better for you, and I know they will at some point. This is such a rough process, but most if not all of us come out stronger and far wiser. Some people will still make the same mistakes with their hearts and never learn (such as rebounding) but hopefully they'll wise up at some point

[beautifulangel]

16 months and still think of her... Such is life. And so are they the loosers to not see what and who they are leaving for good.

Think of it, with such dedicated people whose loss is it going to be any way???

[Tryptophan]

Thanks for the good wishes, and I know things end up getting better sooner or later but things have seemed to drag on forever with this guy. I've been having really good days lately so I'm better now. Surprisingly, I feel better when I'm alone than when I go on dates. I do think it's time for a break from serious relationships. I'm just gonna enjoy myself with dates and all.

 

Beautifulangel—I guess that doesn't surprise me. I know I'm gonna be thinking of him for a long while but I just don't want it to hurt like it does or has in the past.