35 days NC, lost, confused and definitely want her back

[ONCT]

so, I had a post ready after writing for 1hr, lost it. Going to make it shorter this time and I'll give more details later.

 

Been with a girl for 11 months. 4 months in the same city, she was almost spending all her time at my place, 6&1/2 months LDR (1hr international)

 

We had our ups&downs. I knew she had problems as she kept on telling me about her past and how screwed up it is and how she has committment issues. I always told her we'll see how it goes, no pressure.

 

Everything felt good. Had made plans for me to come back and move in.

 

During a long week-end getaway, her b-day gift from me (romantic B&B on east coast), she breaks up with me out of nowhere. We got into a little argument but she went all the way. She told me I'm the best thing that's happened to her, that I'm everything for her but that she's not the right one for me. We still spend the night there, she taked me in her arms, cried like I've never seen anyone cry before. Drove her back (6 hr drive) to the airport, cries a lot, puts music we shared together... and tries to kiss me when I leave her at the airport.

 

I leave her time, talked to her very good friend in btw, she's in shock (the friend), it really came out of nowhere. I send her an e-mail 4 days later actually supporting her decision if it's what's right for her but tell her I love her. She IMs next day saying she needs time to figure things out and that I shouldn't wait. She goes away for a wedding and calls me from there confirming she's not the right one for me, that I shouldn't wait. I leave it at that (still talk to her friend who's great with me and wishes us to be back together but doesn't give me false hopes and tells me my ex going to see a counselor). 2&1/2 weeks later my ex calls me in the middle of the night, I was sleeping. Called her next day, she wanted to know how I was doing, I'm ok but miss her.

 

I over analyze and screw everything up a week later. I called her, needed real closure, I'm drunk. Next day I IM her, I tell her I still love her and she says I love you too. I don't understand. Did NC for 2 weeks (eventhough I talked to her friend who is great, way more mature and definitely not telling all I'm telling her to my ex).

 

Then it's my b-day, my ex texts me the day before to see if I want my b-day gift. I say no, why would you want to give me the gift if we're not together. Tell her to take care of herself. Next day, e-mail for my b-day also saying that she would understand if I didn't want her to text, mail anymore. I never answered.

 

So 35 days of NC. Her friend called me to see how I was doing, as she knew I was really hitting the bottom, I was better at the time, so she told my ex I was doing good.

Found out today, that my ex asked about me to a close friend from my past company.

 

I don't want to break NC, I'm not ready and I want her to make the first move if she wants to come back.

I want her back, she may not be 'the' one, but I'm in love and believe we could have something great.

 

Work is not great where I am and I have my way back, just as I had planned with her. But it's also best for me to go back as I'll have my friends and work... and maybe her (I hope but don't believe).

 

Thoughts? I could go into way more details....

Thanks for any help you can provide.

[tresqua]

For reasons that are undisclosed she ended the relationship despite you being a great guy and shocking at least one 3rd party who knows you two very well. She's torn, weighing the pros and cons but so far the negatives outweight the positives and she's not calling you to reconcile.

 

There's nothing you can do to tip the scales, she'll either come around or she won't. Contacting her will only work against you for reasons that have been stated accross this board literally thousands of times but if you really want me to I'll throw them out at you again.

 

Just stay cool, assume nothing, and keep moving on with your life and who knows what the future might bring.

[boyblue]

Please do not break NC. It sounds like she has went GIGS (Grass is greener syndrome) and perhaps torn between you and someone else, sorry to say but women get really really emotional and pretend they love you, cry there heart out when they are torn between you and someone else - if everything was fine and they really did love you they wouldn't need to put on the fireworks would they? It is basically them alleviating their guilt for using you that they are crying and being emotional not towards you, it is for them to feel better about themselves through their action of letting you down (in the most horrible and confusing way may I add!). I'm not saying this is definitely the case but all signs point right to that.

 

So again stick religiously to NC and take it from there. In the mean time assume that the RL is over and try and heal and move on. Tough tough I know how hard it is really but you have no choice. remember do not try and break the NC with this one.

 

BB

[ONCT]

It sounds like she has went GIGS (Grass is greener syndrome) and perhaps torn between you and someone else

 

There is a little bit of that actually but it's from her past. I don't think she's seeing anyone right now as she's told me she can't be with anyone at the moment. But she also told me that she didn't have the same feeling as she has had 10 or more years ago with someone, basically a teenage thing.

 

She's really working on herself as she's seeing a counselor, trying to fix her relationship with her mom (with whom she lives by the way), trying to get rid of ghost of the pasts. She told me she had commitment issues and had 2 LT relationship that she ran away from before.

 

She told me after the BU when I asked why she told me she wanted to move in with me that she wanted to build something new with me, not do the same mistakes she's done before. I just hate the fact that she's the one who was trying to make more plans for us and then just dropped everything.

 

Thanks for the quick replies, this forum is really helping.

No breaking up the NC for me, I'll stay strong on that even though it's hard as she's just one click away from work IM.

[ONCT]

Here is what I really want.

I want her to sort her things out and realize we were good for each other. We both made each other feel better about ourselves and I'm instrumental to her getting help with the counselor.

Her mom is a great person, she does a lot for her, she's maybe not easy but she's her mom and she loves her. I don't want her to go back to some guy that treated her like **** (as she had a few), I want her to be happy and I truly believe I can make her happy (pretty lame but I believe it).

We have different backgrounds but we've shared a lot of what we would call simple things, cooking together, enjoying different cuisines, playing tennis, go out for dinner, watch a movie....

[ONCT]

For reasons that are undisclosed she ended the relationship despite you being a great guy and shocking at least one 3rd party who knows you two very well. She's torn, weighing the pros and cons but so far the negatives outweight the positives and she's not calling you to reconcile.

 

There's nothing you can do to tip the scales, she'll either come around or she won't. Contacting her will only work against you for reasons that have been stated accross this board literally thousands of times but if you really want me to I'll throw them out at you again.

 

Just stay cool, assume nothing, and keep moving on with your life and who knows what the future might bring.

 

Thanks Tresca, you're right. Trying to be cool and do my own things, hoping for the best and the 'if it's meant to be'. I'm just struggling with the fact that there is nothing I can do at this point, not that I'm a control freak, but I like to have cards to play in my hands, however small it is. I know I made her happy and got her to a better place she was before, and she did the same to me but she also took all that away when I have also other hard things going on.

[boyblue]

Here is what I really want.

I want her to sort her things out and realize we were good for each other. We both made each other feel better about ourselves and I'm instrumental to her getting help with the counselor.

Her mom is a great person, she does a lot for her, she's maybe not easy but she's her mom and she loves her. I don't want her to go back to some guy that treated her like **** (as she had a few), I want her to be happy and I truly believe I can make her happy (pretty lame but I believe it).

We have different backgrounds but we've shared a lot of what we would call simple things, cooking together, enjoying different cuisines, playing tennis, go out for dinner, watch a movie....

 

You cannot make her realise anything and the more you do the more she will run run run! I know what you mean though that you want her to realise in herself, well do not wait about for that one. It's been nigh on 8 months that my ex has said absolutely nothing after her being so initially keen and us getting on great she pulled the plug over some silly little disagreement that could have been resolved by talking but no I do not like talking i'd rather walk away from everything that I ever wanted - says it all really - rant over!

 

In short do not wait about for her or keep her on a pedestal. There is no-thing or no one who can make her see the error of her ways and well sorry girls I have to say this but you really can pick em can't you? If she goes back to one of her bad boy BFs then that is her choice and the less you find out about how she is doing the better for you.

 

BB

[ONCT]

boyblue, I know I can't make her realize anything, and I'm not trying to make her realize, I've been NC for quite a while now and intend to continue that way.

I'm living my life here in a pretty difficult situation. I'm on a different continent from my family, social life doesn't exist where I am right now and the only friends I've found here are from work and they are in the same situation I am in terms of socialization.

That girl was my balance once I moved here and I've lost it. She left me to focus on herself and I'm starting to do the same for myself, but I do miss her and want to have a 2nd chance once she's better. I honestly hope but I also know the chances are slim.

I'm 33, she's 30. I believe she's not ready to committ yet, and that's not what I was expecting short term with her either.

She has pretty big changes going on in her life, quitting her job to do an MBA which she was doing for her and also for us, sister moving out from family house and her and her mom moving too. Maybe it was just too much for her to handle relationship and all that at the same time.

I'm down to earth, have a pretty good situation, everyone really likes me (even all her friends and family), I just can't let go when I know there could be a good thing coming out of us.

 

Any woman having a perspective out here?