GALS HELP PLS! she has a b/f but we are going on date #2!!!

[elysium_dreams_]

Wellllllllll there was a certain chain of unexpected events.

I took out a girl i met on Tuesday, out on a date for coffee.

 

[please refer to link removed for background info...]

 

Within the date she brought up that she has a "significant other". Which realllllly sucks.

I walked her home and finally gave her my phone number and email address on a card I had written them onto.

She said she would call me the next day.

 

but just as i thought i was out of the running, things changed.

She's asked for a second date. So tomorrow I will get some more coffee with her. She said she hopes we get to talk longer. =)

 

But something struck me on an insant messenger conversation.

 

You wouldn't believe what I just did. I told my boyfriend that I was going to bed; leaving my computer and MSN on, but I am talking to you. He doesn't know we are friends yet. Don't you hate it when you feel bad but dont care because your having a good time?....

 

I'm getting major vibes that she likes me. But she's got a long-term relationship already; 8 months-ish, to whom i'm sure she loves.

so i'm majorly getting confused as to what to do. i dunno what she is thinking.

 

 

PS: Does everyone remember when I went back to set up that date? and "Drop in"

well this is what she told me

 

[please refer to link removed for background info...]

 

You came in 30 minutes after my boyfriend had left, .so that was weird. I just didnt actually think you would come back;and, of course, my coworker, she started to chant that you liked me *blush*

 

 

so GIRLS will understand GIRLS cause i sure as hell do not! LOL

[life_can_be_painful]

i say, back off...

 

why do you think you've got a gut feeling that its not right? thats because it isn't... and you will likely feel guilty for it later. and if you ever do manage to hook up with her, the fact that she cheated on her bf with you may come back to haunt you, as she may and is more likely to do the same to you.

 

and finally, not saying you should, but if i were in your shoes, i'd try to get in contact with the bf and let him know what she's doing... or suggest that she does. cheating is fun because its naughty, but it will only end in hurting one or more people.

[elysium_dreams_]

Hmmm, but the thing isshe hasn't cheated and I don't believe she intends to. When we first went for coffee it was referred to as a 'date', yes, but she also pointed out it was to be noted as a date "of friends", which is perfectly legitimate. It's the same think that today will be. So it pretty harmless. We're not making physical contact in any way, shape, or form.

 

I think I've figured out how things have progressed for her over the past few days, but i need someone to check and make sure I'm still on track.

 

First, a guy erupts a 2 hour conversation with her while at work.
 
Second, She finds him cute and seeminly intelligent, so accepts his request for a coffee date - but as friends
 
Third, During the coffee date she breaks to him that she has a boyfriened to deflect anything that could jepoardize that relationship. This is strictly business and a chance to get to know me as a friend.

 

To me that is totally cool. She's not cheating and she hasn't left me wondering. It can also be a test of strength to see if I can hold back myself because it's obvious I like her.

 

Fourth, After thinking about it a little more, she decides she really likes this guy. like....she reallly likes this guy. This kinda scares her because she knows she has a boyfriend and (probably) loves him very much. So we go to coffee date #2.

 

Naturally you would want some more exposure toa guy you like but I think she is reallly aware that it's her OWN guilt that will be in the bakc of her mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

MAKE SENSE?!!?

 

 

But here's the thing that I don't understand; Would she be thinking about breakign up with him now? or is she just trying to play both fields. The thing is she does feel guilty about not being able to tell her boyfriend that we are friends. and I think this is because she has perpared herself to lose him, obviously.

 

So what can I expect? What should I be looking for?

 

In all right I really like this girl and I think she hasn't done anything wrong yet. Even though she hasn't told her boyfriend yet, I think she's trying to muster up the courage to. But i will go on the second date as we will be in conversation for a few hours this evening. Maybe I can bring something up in conversation? .....

 

 

HELP MEEE *with voice like 'The Fly'* haha

 

thanks for all your help guys later!

[life_can_be_painful]

its called the "transition phase". she is scoping you out and judging you for what you're worth (the "dates") before making the move or not, because she already knows that you like her, so the ball is in her court. she's trying to figure out if you are a bigger, better deal than her bf (money, job, tastes, living quarters, any sort of thing that might make you a better proposition than him).

 

as far as im concerned, infidelity starts in the mind. whether or not theres been any physical contact is meaningless. if the person is intending to cheat on her boyfriend, its at that point where they have cheated already.

 

tell you what, if she thinks you are "just friends" and not doing anything bad by seeing you, why dont you ask her to invite her boyfriend on the next date? see how happy she is about that? no? thats because she is keeping you a secret from her bf, for reasons that are infidelous in nature.

 

so... the question is, do you you really want a girlfriend who would gladly stay with a boyfriend she doesnt even fancy anymore, and secretly transition to a new guy as soon as she meets someone else that she likes, who doesnt even have the decency to stay single for a while and not be dependant on having a relationship?

[elysium_dreams_]

I understand what you are saying.

 

Though she right now is making sure we keep on "just friends" quarters; it's when she decides I've "won" that will be interesting.

 

I'm trying to put myself in her boyfriends position. It would probably bother him ,but that become a problem between the two of them not me.

 

i don't think she really has any intention of cheating on him. Maybe she just in naturally like this and this is how she gets to know people. It's certaintly easier and more efficient than parting.

 

But I don't know anything about the quality of their relationship. Maybe its' really poor. he could be abusive or just very boring. but then again he could be a real lover. That makes a difference. If she isn't happy in her present relationship, she would be drawn to something fresh.

 

As for the secret keeping, this is interesting. I think I should just introduce myself to him? I'l get her to mention me though. I want them both to know that I am not going to get wedged in between them, even if it is her i really want to be with.

 

But I don't wanna be hypocritical cause i like the attention, but it'snot fair to him. but i don't wanna lose her. i still think she's moraly straight - she feels bad about it, it's just frustrating.

 

Any ideas?!!?

[BES]

wow i found a topic that i am going through with....

i think i will ask these girl out too with boyfried for only date or flirt......no cheating (i mean no kiss, hugs or sex) just date.

 

TELL ME WHATS THE OUTCOME DUDE!

[life_can_be_painful]

You wouldn't believe what I just did. I told my boyfriend that I was going to bed; leaving my computer and MSN on, but I am talking to you. He doesn't know we are friends yet. Don't you hate it when you feel bad but dont care because your having a good time?....

 

You came in 30 minutes after my boyfriend had left, .so that was weird. I just didnt actually think you would come back;and, of course, my coworker, she started to chant that you liked me *blush*

 

Skyteph, I've been in a situation like this before. I wasn't really interested in her, because I knew she had a boyfriend, but we became good friends quickly, me thinking it was perfectly harmless, although the fact that she didn't introduce me to her boyfriend and would only see me when he wasn't around did make me suspicious. She too described it as "just friends". Then slowly she started making slight advances on me and started confiding in her wanting to flirt a bit with guys, even though she admitted that she loved her boyfriend and that he was a great guy.

 

Then she started getting more obvious about it by sending me text messages and complimenting me all the time, saying that I was such a nice person and that I was quite good looking. But I kept deflecting her attention and sort of acting as if I didn't see her motives.

 

Then finally she started touching a bit, giving hugs and then she started casually holding my hand, at which point I decided I would do something about it and tell her that I didn't want to get involved in a relationship with her, out of my sense of decency, and that if she was unhappy with her boyfriend, she should just break up with him. But she said she couldn't, because she didn't want to hurt his feelings and that she loved him. But since then, she stopped being that close to me and later on I met her bf, who was actually quite a nice guy.

 

At the time, she had moved out of her apartment and needed a place to live for 6 months, so she stayed with her boyfriend. When she finally moved out, it only took her a week when she suddenly dumped him out of the blue, and later that night a friend and I happened to spot her at a club getting intimate with some guy. So in the end, what really happened is that this girl had been using people to her advantage and hurt people, and her method of doing so is by having a safe "home base" until she was ready to move on.

 

I assume there are more people like that in this world, and I wouldn't be surprised if this girl was like that too. In the end, I'm giving you advice based on my experiences...

[skyteph]

And what does this prove that this girls motives were? She stayed with her boyfriend and used him for a place to live. How can you ever fully trust this girl knowing that she has used a guy before to benifit her needs then dumped him once she got what she wanted? What makes you think that you were/are any differnt? What makes you so speacial, because I think that I'd like to know why you are so good that you think this girl wouldn't stab you in the back aswell, just as she did to him.

[life_can_be_painful]

1. I would never treat someone the way she did. If I didn't respect someone, I would not have it in me to be with them. This is nothing special. Just basic human decency.

 

2. I don't trust this girl.

 

3. Sorry if I didn't make it clear, but I did not have a relationship with the girl. I told her that I wasn't interested, after all her advances on me. Which means that I would have nothing to worry about, seeing as there was no relationship to speak of that she could possibly stab me in the back with.

 

 

Hope that made more sense

 

PS. The only thing that I regret is not having told her boyfriend about her behaviour. Because instead I let him have his heart broken and suffer the pain of rejection, when really he had done nothing wrong.

[Ceema-k]

Everything life_can_be_painful is saying is right on the money. Very hard to trust a girl like that in this situation.

[Day_Walker]

Going for coffee isnt really a date. I wouldnt take the situation for more that it actually is. It seems that you two are friendly with eachother. I wouldnt bank on her liking you anymore than a friend. Calm down and dont think just cuz u go out with a female that its a date, no matter the terminology that other people use to describe the situation.

[skyteph]

I'd just like to say that my comment before was not targeted at you, life_can_be_painful, but at the situation, because you seem to believe that this girl is acting as the girl you knew did and I was trying to show that if she had similar motives, how could she be trusted?

 

Just because one girl out there has acted like that towards you, it doesn't mean that every time a girl with a boyfriend asks someone out for coffee as 'friends' that she will end up doing what the girl you knew did.

[life_can_be_painful]

i know, thats why I am saying that I am simply giving my advice based on my experiences and that I felt it seemed likely that she could be the same. but i know that theres no way I can be certain. so its up to elysium_dreams_ to make of it what he will

[elysium_dreams_]

welllll i got a bit of an update for you guys.

 

There is some background info.

The boyfriend she was with was a fair bit controlling, and very insecure.

Everyone including her best friends and family looked down on that relationship because she was never happy, always miserable, and way going to throw her life away.

 

So far, we've been on 3 official "Dates" or whatever you want to call them. Nothing fancy happened so bleh. It's not cheating, there was no intention to so drop it

 

She got the courage to break up with him. And her friends and family seemed quite happy. I guess they really saw what happened to her. She openly admitted to me that she had feelings for me, and explained how that relationship with her b/f was. She talked to her dad and grandma and she says they showed her things from a different perspective, and then she got that courage.

 

So now for a few days...I've been going out with her. And I don't think i could be happier.

[elysium_dreams_]

welllll i got a bit of an update for you guys.

 

There is some background info.

The boyfriend she was with was a fair bit controlling, and very insecure.

Everyone including her best friends and family looked down on that relationship because she was never happy, always miserable, and way going to throw her life away.

 

So far, we've been on 3 official "Dates" or whatever you want to call them. Nothing fancy happened so bleh. It's not cheating, there was no intention to so drop it

 

She got the courage to break up with him. And her friends and family seemed quite happy. I guess they really saw what happened to her. She openly admitted to me that she had feelings for me, and explained how that relationship with her b/f was. She talked to her dad and grandma and she says they showed her things from a different perspective, and then she got that courage.

 

So now for a few days...I've been going out with her. And I don't think i could be happier.

[life_can_be_painful]

bs... i told you... it was all bs.

 

she had her eye on you from the first moment and was doing the transferance phase... and people on this board were trying to convince us that it was just a friendship.

 

ive seen this all before...

 

good luck friend.

 

just dont get too attached to her.

[elysium_dreams_]

yeha i had a hunch

 

 

why shouldn't I get to attached to her?

[jcsh481]

Looks like I caught this thread on the tail end, but I figured I'd post a reply, and I'm sorry if I repeated anything already said.

 

Do NOT get attached or attracted to her. It was said earlier that her cheating on her boyfriend could come back to haunt you later... and it will. I had the exact same thing happen to me. There was this girl that had a boyfriend of 2+ years and even her family was telling her that she was still young and that she should date around. Her boyfriend was a tool, but that's just my opinion.

 

Anyways, we got involved, and she majorly messed with my head. We ended up both coming out of our "fling" very very hurt and we don't talk anymore. Your girl might not be happy with her current relationship, but it looks like she's just shopping for a new boyfriend. What's it going to be like if and when she does it again, except with you as current boyfriend?

[Shidoshi]

This is an interesting topic, I like the various opinions about this issue, and on that note I have a question. I have posted on the board under a different topic about a girl in my class who started trying to get my attention because she's attracted to me. I won't go into much detail about how she did this, but lets just say it is VERY OBVIOUS that she likes me, and I've made it VERY CLEAR that I like her without asking her out or anything like that.

 

She has a boyfriend, after I found this out I left her alone and decided it was a lost cause, but she continues to talk to me, or finds some way to get my attention one way or another. Just recently when I came to class I happened to see a picture of her boyfriend on her laptop as a backround wallpaper. After seeing this, I said to myself "I need to stay FAR away from this girl because she seems to be playing some sort of game with my head. Why do you think she's still trying to talk to me even though I've stayed away from her? I mean I used to sit right beside her then I up and moved away to make it clear that I was no longer going to pursue her and she deliberately places her boyfriends picture on her laptop so I could see it. I don't understand, why doesn't she just leave me alone?

[elysium_dreams_]

yesi can see what you are all saying but there is no "Shoppping around". She hasn't seen anyone else. that's the thing. life would have continues on it's merry way. she had no intention of meeting me...that was MY doing. I was the one who threw the wrench in the system

in fact she's never even talked to a guy outside of school before.

I think all she thinks is that I was a break or something from her ex tool-boyfriend.