Sometimes you have to cut off your best friend

[NG85]

I initially came on these forums following a bad break-up, first trying to win my ex back, then trying to get tips on how to attract new girls. I realized that a lot of tips that I was given didn't just have to apply to the opposite sex, they could also apply to my life as a whole. I realized that in order to have a healthy love life, I had to have a healthy life in general. I started off by exercising and working out and eating a lot better, losing 30 pounds so far. Then I began dressing nicer all the time. I also took the initiative to excel at my career and get higher paying and more exciting assignments (Becoming a bit of a workaholic, but as of now my career brings me joy, so I figure why not).

 

I never really discussed this personal growth, but all my friends eventually noticed there was something different about me. They all encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing, one of them even saying he wished he had the inner strength I did to turn my life around.

 

Well, all of them were proud, except one - Who happens to be one of my best friends (Let's call him Paul). Paul likes to crack jokes a lot, and at first I took his jabs as a joke, until they became more and more frequent. At a party one time some people were asking me about my running habits, and I mentioned I ran 10 miles in one day. Suddenly, I hear "God, stop being such a * * * * * * !" from Paul. One time some friends were commenting on a new pair of shoes I had, and Paul promptly stepped on my foot and scuffed one of the shoes up. He also poured beer all over a new shirt I got another time.

 

These were all isolated incidents, happening very infrequently, but recently they became more and more frequent. I had a HUGE business meeting a few months ago, and as such I had a TON of work to do, so I explained to him that I wouldn't be free until the meeting was over. Well, wouldn't you know, suddenly he goes from calling me a few times a week to calling me a few times A DAY, wanting to hang out. He'd begin calling around 3 in the afternoon, and keep calling if I didn't answer. Later on in the day he'd start leaving voicemails, calling me a fag and saying I sucked for working so hard. Yeah, I've got a great job opportunity coming up and he wants to hang out and get drunk at 4PM on a Tuesday. I'd rather work.

 

It came to a head last weekend, when Paul and 2 friends were over. We were going to watch movies and drink beer, so I gave Paul and the friends $5 towards the beer. They went out and came back with a dinky 12-pack, which is nowhere near enough beer for 4 grown men. Paul had to leave for a bit, so while he was gone I asked what was up. A friend said Paul didn't have any money to contribute, so all of our pooled money could only afford us a 12-pack. The problem was Paul drank 5 of those beers while my friends and I were only on our first or second beers.

 

I talked with the 2 friends about Paul's increasing antagonistic attitude and lack of control, and they all noticed it, too. Paul's life was in a downward spiral, probably due in so small part to his lack of motivation. He had always been a screw up, but a few years ago he was accepted to a college and his life was turning around. Then he couldn't afford to go anymore, and he had to drop out. After that he lived at home, working menial jobs for literally 10 hours a week (When he wasn't getting fired), and never having any money. Rather than use his free time to look for better jobs or trying to go to community college, he would post on Facebook all day, or play music, or get drunk in the afternoon, nothing really too productive. All the while he'd leech off of us, such as getting us to buy him beer ("I'll pay for it next time!") and stealing food at our houses. At first we helped him out, but as time went on we realized this wasn't a temporary thing, this was probably going to be his way of life for a while. Our circle of friends are mostly college grads who are looking to get ahead in the world, but Paul has a very strong personality and sort of acts as the glue that holds our social group together. Therefore his presence is felt strongly.

 

When Paul returned we sat him down and told him we weren't using our money to pay his way anymore. In fact, if he wasn't interested in getting a steady job or going back to school, we wouldn't associate with him anymore. He had been dragging all of us down, and we had enough.

 

I'm beginning to feel the positive effects of having less of his presence in my life. My phone isn't constantly ringing, I'm not getting angry voicemails telling me I suck for having a good work ethic, and I know that I have friends now who will back me up and support me, as I can do the same with them. If you're looking to move forward in your life and something or someone is holding you back, many times you'll have to cut it or them out. Negative influences will only drag you down, creating a crabs-in-a-bucket scenario, and you'll more than likely be a better person without them in your life.

[AlxEss]

Great Story. Although I'm still in the process of building myself up after a devastating break-up, I find the positive changes I'm making in my life pushing the negative people I used to hang out with out of it.

 

They say misery loves company but I guess the opposite is true as well. Unfortunately, you will miss these people. I like to believe that everyone we meet and spend time with has some sort of meaning in who we are today.

[Skylark89]

Interesting story, indeed. While I do agree with the statement that negativity breeds negativity and you sometimes have to cut off people who are just trying to hold you back/bring you down, I am wondering... Did you ever sit down and have a chat with him about what's going on and such? Did you ever ask him why he was having trouble with jobs? Or ask him if he wanted to go back to college? Or help him brainstorm ideas? Did you confront him about his increased drinking? The impression I'm getting is that you and your friends were more concerned about your own needs that you booted Paul out the door rather than trying to dig deeper to find out what is actually going on with him.

 

I mean...it's easier to kill your dog than it is to tell it to behave. I'm not judging or anything, but I'm wondering if you acted 100% good friend to him even if he didn't do the same.

 

Food for thought. Not meaning to offend.

[sognatrice]

I feel the same way.

 

Recently I had to cut off someone I've been friends with for roughly 22 years (all my life). We had a HUGE fight when I was around 14-15 when she did something extremely horrible to myself and my family, but a couple of years after that I forgave her because I believe you should hold forgiveness in your heart. We had been mending fences and getting along until about one week ago. This whole time she hasn't graduated high school but had gotten her GED, robbed the animal hospital where she used to work and went to jail for it along with her boyfriend, had two abortions and now is suing her employer for sexual harassment (she confided in me it didn't really happen) while I graduate high school with a 3.7 GPA, have a 4.0 right now in college, have a great job as an executive assistant, lived and studied in a foreign country all by myself for two years, and am thinking about getting my master's and looking ever upward.

 

A week or two ago she asked for my help in applying to associate's degree schools and I literally offered to take her there myself because I know she is scared/with her record is not sure if she can even apply to school or what's up. Her response was, "you didn't get the memo. *You* don't get to run my life!" She thinks I talk down to her and judge her, but it's not the case. I simply tell her like it is: if she continues on her path, she will end up in a really bad place. She doesn't want my help, so I won't give it. She's bad news and I don't need a friend like that who will only drag me down.

 

All this to say that OP, I think maybe you should speak face to face with Paul and see what's been going on inside for him. I tried to ask my friend (let's call her Stacy) out of the goodness of my heart, but she didn't want it. But at least this way you will know if you've tried, and that's all you can do. Don't cut him off just yet, but definitely feel out the situation. But I agree, if he doesn't make a change you don't need people like him in your life. And it's okay for that to happen.