dating after the breakup

[Eocsor]

I read a thread about someone getting back with his ex after 9 months apart and I was really happy and pumped. That is until I read that he had been dating someone else and gotten serious with them and then trashed them as soon as the ex re-appeared.

 

I can't for the life of me understand why people do this when they still know in their heart of hearts that they would go running back to the ex the moment they reappear on the scene. All you're doing is using someone as an emotional crutch and stringing them along. If the ex pops up they are history and then they end up coming on here. Are we that weak and pathetic that we can't spend some time alone till we are sure our feelings for the ex have died.

 

Why in gods name would you take the chance of doing to someone else what had been done to you. It's pathetic, it's evil. Man up and heal yourself totally before moving on to someone else. Otherwise you are just as big a jerk as most of us claim our exes were.

[guynextdoor]

Some people are just pathetic like that unfortunately. I was on the receiving stick of it and boy does it suck, leaves you feeling 2nd best if that.

[LP90]

Seems like most people just cant deal with the pain of being alone. They need a rebound instantly to ease the pain and guilt. Definitely is sad that people use others in the same manner they were used and feel no guilt. It wont last either so why hurt someone else and make things more difficult, never understood it either but i guess its just human nature.

[LaKings55]

That's why they call it a rebound. I realize now that's all I was, even though it lasted nearly a year.

[guest777]

What makes a rebound a rebound? If they last are they technically still a rebound? I've tried to start dating again, but as soon as I realize that its not an attraction for the person but more to not feel lonely, I try to keep away from that guy. I hate to hurt someone else for my own personal gain, especially after now knowing how it feels to have your heart broken. Is there a time frame after the break up that are considered rebound relationships? Or is it just when a person isn't emotionally over their ex? I know some people have moved on before their relationship even ended, so can they rebound? Basically, do you think rebounds are more time based or feelings based? Everytime I talk to a guy I feel like I'm more of rebounding than actually moved on, b/c I haven't really liked a guy since the breakup... I've liked their company and attention.

[bfla]

Both. I mean, if you say 6 months and you start seeing a guy after 6 months and a week... does that mean it isn't a rebound? It's based on both factors.

[guest777]

Both. I mean, if you say 6 months and you start seeing a guy after 6 months and a week... does that mean it isn't a rebound? It's based on both factors.

 

So, you think someone could be a week out of a relationship and it not be a rebound if they were emotionally moved on, but someone could start to have a rebound 6 months after the breakup if they weren't moved on? I'm starting to believe its all based on if you are moved on or not. But of course no one knows other than yourself if you're moved on or not, and people lie to themselves saying that they are moved on. So is a rebound characterized a rebound when the relationship ends and the person realizes they were rebounding?

[imonlyhuman]

im dating again. and if my ex wanted to get back together, i dont know if i would just go running back to her. but i think i would like to give her a chance, give a new relationship with her a chance. as much a chance as i want to give to the girls im dating.

[LaKings55]

Rebounds are all emotionally based. Her rebound with me may have lasted long, but that may have been because her family approved of me and not her ex, so it was more convenient to keep me around, and make her ex jealous.

[Eocsor]

im dating again. and if my ex wanted to get back together, i dont know if i would just go running back to her. but i think i would like to give her a chance, give a new relationship with her a chance. as much a chance as i want to give to the girls im dating.

 

Then you really shouldn't be dating. Unless you make it clear up front where you stand.

[AlxEss]

Hmmmm, this begs a bigger question that I'm sure has been covered in many a thread....how do you know that you're emotionally over the ex?

[LTS48]

Rebounding...tough to classify but since my breakup I've done a lot of reflection on how I have handled the end of past relationships.

 

One in particular involved me leaving my girlfriend of almost 3 years for another woman. I had definitely checked out of the relationship, in fact I hated her and was DEFINITELY never going to talk to her again. I had no qualms going right in to this new "relationship"

 

I remember the new girl answered all of my desires. She was cute, fun, in to me and just amazing. It was passionate and fast. No I love you's were exchanged but the sex was incredible.

 

Then, maybe a month in, I got tired. Tired of having to answer to someone. She got a little crazy as well and found another guy to ditch me for. I was glad when that endeed too. I realized that moving on had nothing to do with my being finished with my ex, the exhaustion of my previous relationship caught up with me and caused me to fall in that same rut with the new girl.

 

Fast forward to my most recent ex. I was the rebound and our relationship lasted 9 months. The beginning was exactly as you would expect: I was totally different than her ex in every respect. Things moved hot and heavy and I let it happen/encouraged it. Then, maybe about...5-6 months in things started to change. All of a sudden her world outside of me took priority. I was a blanket, she got upset when I did not want to spend time with her, but when we were together we mostly did hw. Eventually we started fighting and things ended.

 

She claimed to be "numb" to me when we broke up, yet the very next day she was dating her high school boyfriend again. They are still together 3 months later, I anticipate they will go the distance (although there is no way to be sure). Certain actions of hers (detailed in my history) tell me she is far from over her anger at me. I have been in NC for the better part of a month (I do respond to her when she contacts me, but it has been 2 weeks since the last) because I don't want to interfere with her new relationship.

 

Why do I bring that up? Because it follows her pattern. She has never been single and each new boyfriend answers the problems of her previous relationships. Having done the retrospective on our relationship (and admitting to myself that I was a rebound) I am looking at her new relationship with great curiosity. On the surface it fits all of the rebound criteria, yet for some reason I don't feel that it actually IS a rebound, knowing their history, I think its the real deal.

 

Rebounding is a tough animal. Don't let it become a crutch, you have to let yourself move on. Take it at your own pace.

[Eocsor]

Hmmmm, this begs a bigger question that I'm sure has been covered in many a thread....how do you know that you're emotionally over the ex?

 

Simple, if your ex called you and said they wanted another chance would you drop whoever you were with and get back with the ex.

[bichin]

Simple, if your ex called you and said they wanted another chance would you drop whoever you were with and get back with the ex.

 

 

In my opinion this is close but I would make an amendment. If your ex called you and said they wanted another chance would your heart skip a beat? Would you do a little dance inside?

 

Emotions and reasons can be very different from each other. You don't necessarily need to want your ex back to still be attached.

[guest777]

I keep telling myself I don't want to rebound b/c I know its better for me in the long run. However, my ex (2.5yr relationship) was already spending alot of time with a girl (who in Aug was dumped by her bf of 3yrs) while we were on a break, so I ended our relationship (Nov). He said he might like her later, but said that at that moment he didn't. Also, he said it would be quite sometime before he got in another relationship which he'd never jumped from one girl to the next in his past relationships. Well within a month of us breaking up they planned a 3 week trip to Europe just the two of them to go on in May. I had heard that right before the trip is the first time one of my friends had heard of them kissing. I also heard many things of him being a completely different person. Needless to say, when they got back from the trip they were in a relationship. So, him and the new gf basically started talking in Nov, started dating in May, and now its July (2 months).

 

I know that I'm doing the right thing by facing what happened and not trying to hide it all. But it hurts that it seems that he got over the relationship that quickly. Sometimes I try to tell myself that he's rebounding b/c he's having such a hard time getting over our relationship. Just like every other dumpee whose ex is already dating someone else, I wish he's rebounding. People have told me that time is all that will show if its a rebound or not. But in his situation, both him and his new gf could be rebounding. I keep telling myself that in the end, I came out on top. I came out of the breakup with my head held high, my dignity, and learning lessons from the relationship to help me in future ones. But sometimes, I wonder if a rebound would help me think about him less and help me move on. For the ones that have rebounded, do you think it helped or worsened getting over your ex?

[Eocsor]

I wonder if a rebound would help me think about him less and help me move on. For the ones that have rebounded, do you think it helped or worsened getting over your ex?

 

Are you going to tell the person that you are using them just to get over the ex? If not why put someone through what you are going through now? How shallow is that. Suck it up and heal yourself first so that anyone you date stands a chance.

[guest777]

Are you going to tell the person that you are using them just to get over the ex? If not why put someone through what you are going through now? How shallow is that. Suck it up and heal yourself first so that anyone you date stands a chance.

 

I could never make someone else go through what I'm going through right now. But it hurts that here I am alone while my ex has someone showing him so much attention. I know i'm not ready to date, but I'm ready for the pain to be over. But I'm also scared that I'll never be able to open up to anyone again, in fear of this heartbreak again. Dang, I feel like all I do nowadays is contradict myself and go in circles.

 

I'm having a hard time, b/c my ex has been in my dreams lately. One dream I even dreamt that him and his new gf broke up. Plus hearing from friends, that he's detagged some photos of us hasn't helped. I feel like I do better for a bit and then fall again. I wonder if I've really come as far since the break up as I think I have.

[GrowingIn]

While I agree with you Eocsor, I think when you begin to realize how few people in the world actually think like that, you just get to the unfortunate point where you participate in the whole two wrongs = right routine. You do it because that's what's practiced today. So if you can't beat them, join them. You say screw it and go with with the flow and end up doing it to someone else because the chances of finding someone that's actually trying to break the cycle is slim to none and you are ready to feel good. You get tired of being alone and feeling down so you go after what makes you feel good. But most people never actually view it as something they do at the expense of another person, at least not in the early stages. When you feel good, you forget the pain you went through that you are about to cause someone else. Most people just don't think of it in those terms and our minds have an amazing way of forgetting pain. When you are down and depressed after a break up is when you actually analyze things on a deeper level and from multiple points of view. When you are feeling good, it's a lot more about living in the moment and taking things at face value. Because all you see is: "This person likes me and it makes me feel so good. I don't want to hurt them, and have no intention of doing so, but I don't see anything wrong in just trying it out for a little while and see where it goes. We both enjoy it and I am upfront about it". We tend to believe that just because we are "upfront" about things with someone that's genuinely falling for us, then you are not guilty if that person falls for you and you hurt them. It's on THEM because they KNEW what they were getting into!

 

Right? And to a certain extent, it is true. Hence you have already justified hurting someone and being the bad guy, while at the same time, relieving yourself of the guilt. And that's why someone ALWAYS gets hurt. That's why the victims become the bad guys and the bad guys the victims. And sometimes the victims become the bad guys and still come out as victims! It's all just one big mess

[Eocsor]

I have totally been where you are now. The despair, the dreams the whole bit. but stay strong and things will get better I promise. Healing after a breakup isn't a competition. Just because he's out there dating doesn't mean you have to be. Take your time and get to a place where you are strong and confident. Youll be much more likely to have a healthy relationship then.

[Eocsor]

Well, I'm a big fan of honesty and I think that if you absolutely, positively, have to date you owe it to the other person to tell them exactly where you are at and how you view the relationship.

 

Having said that, I honestly don't think you should date anyone till you are in the right headspace. As I said I waited two years after my divorce. A female friend of mine went five years, she wasn't ready and wanted to make sure her kids were her first priority at the time. This time through, after my fiance left, I waited 18 months. I can only go by my own experience, but from what I've seen things work out better if you take your time getting back into the dating scene.

 

I think deep down people know it's a mistake. They just aren't strong enough, or don't care enough to do what they know they should. Which as you say leads to a vicious cyle.

[WeightOffChest]

Are you going to tell the person that you are using them just to get over the ex? If not why put someone through what you are going through now? How shallow is that. Suck it up and heal yourself first so that anyone you date stands a chance.

Dating someone and engaging someone in a real relationship is a heavy commitment. So, I'm generally against rebound relationships.

 

Would it be more reasonable to date someone casually just to see if you still got it? It's like having a one-night stand after a breakup just to see if you've still got game.

[GrowingIn]

Well I did the same thing so believe me when I say I am with you. I waited almost a full year after my ex wife left. But I also remember a close friend of mine telling me, you know no one's going to give you a medal for doing that. And it's true. At other times I just satisfied my urges with an escort after a break up. That was "my" rebound and it was really the only way not to hurt or get involved with anyone. Now I just want to do it completely alone. It comes down to how you heal and if you do it it should be for you. I don't judge the others that don't. I have living examples of people that have cheated on their SO, and now the cheaters are married and have been married since that day for decades with kids out of college. So I view it as a personal choice but as far as I am concerned, I will want to know this from the next I am with though, and will make it a point to not get involved with anyone that hasn't taken some time to themselves. But that's because it means that person will have principles more aligned with my own and are more likely to be in the same place I am.

[Eocsor]

Dating someone and engaging someone in a real relationship is a heavy commitment. So, I'm generally against rebound relationships.

 

Would it be more reasonable to date someone casually just to see if you still got it? It's like having a one-night stand after a breakup just to see if you've still got game.

 

Hey, aren't you reconciling with the ex? No casual dating for you. If by casual date, you mean a movie or dinner and thats it, no sex. And if you let the other person know thats all it is is a casual date, sure, why not.

[Eocsor]

My ex married the guy she cheated on me with and they are still happily married. But I don't view that as a rebound.

 

I'd like to say that I don't judge people who jump into relationships because they can't take the pain, but I do. I've just seen way too many people hurt because they fell for someone who wasn't emotionally available and got blind sided. I swear, when I was dating the majority of people lied about how long they'd been out of a relationship. You'd ask and they'd say "it's been a year" and then you'd find out it was only two months and then they'd say they meant that emotionally they'd been out of it for a year. Riiiiggght.

 

I guess at the end of the day, we do what we do. It just doesn't make it right.

[GrowingIn]

Well depends. According to a lady friend of mine that I was just talking to last night, if you have thought of it, it's cheating so if you're going to go on a date with someone you imagined sleeping with, you might as well just go ahead and do it. And I thought I had stringent principles.