Advice Please! Totally Stressed Out & Don't Know What To Do!

[butterfly6585]

First a bit of background info:

*Ex & I dated exclusively for a total of 3 years.

*First, we dated for 2 years straight & then he dumped me.

*After being apart for only 2 or 3 months, he called me up crying, etc. & begging me to go back out with him. I still loved him & so I agreed to go back out with him. After that, we were together for 1 more year until he dumped me again/for the 2nd time.

*It's now been 1 year since the last time we broke up. There were several times I did NC but also many times were I did give in & talk to him & I'm ashamed to admit this but yes there was even a few times that I slept with him. I've stayed single for this entire past year although I finally started going on dates with other guys a few months ago. My ex however has had 3 girlfriends over the course of this past year although none so far have lasted longer than about 2 & a half months. I suspect he's probably had at least a few one night stands as well. I get it that since we were broken up he was free to date & sleep with whoever he wanted but it still hurt like hell every time I found out that he'd chosen yet again to ask someone else to be his girlfriend instead of trying to reconcile with me. There were actually two times this past year where he begged me to go back out with him & when I took a few days or a week before agreeing to it, he had suddenly changed his mind about being "ready" to get back together with me.

 

Until recently, I didn't heard a word at all from my ex for the past few months. Then, about a week before the 4th of July, he texted me to let me know that his brother's twin babies had been born. At first, I was going to just totally ignore him as I'd already said my congrats to his brother's wife. However, after I ignored his original text about the babies he sent a few more texts saying the same thing then left a few messages asking me to please call him. So, I then made the mistake of calling him back which did nothing but upset me, especially since he confirmed my "suspicions" that he'd been seeing someone else (exclusively) for the last few months. After that phone convo, I went back to strict NC.

 

Then, on the 4th of July, he called & texted me almost incessantly, all throughout the day & night. That really irritated me because I ended up finally just having to put my phone on silent because here I was having a great time with my mom & my daughter celebrating the 4th & he just kept contacting me over and over again. After listening to a few of his messages, it quickly became apparent that he was really upset because the girl he had been dating for the past few months broke up with him & he was feeling all sorry for himself that he had to spend the 4th alone. He also said on the messages please call me because I really want to talk to you about us. Like a fool, I did end up calling him later that night & lo & behold, his idea of talking about us was to see if I wanted to hang out or go to a movie with him sometime soon. I told him no which he seemed pretty p*ssed off about. The reason I said no to seeing him though was that I wasn't too thrilled that he had yet again gotten dumped & then come sniffing around right away to see if I'm still single/available to hang out. This same pattern has been repeating itself for close to a year now & I'm getting really sick of it. He's had a few (if not numerous) opportunities to get me back as his GF since I didn't date anyone exclusively this past year yet he instead chose to date one girl after another (exclusively) instead of asking me to be his GF again. He was trying to convince me let's just hang out for a few weeks to give me time to get over this girl (that just broke up with him) & then after a few weeks of hanging out (& I'm sure his version of hanging out would include sex too) & then we can be boyfriend & girlfriend again.

 

I wish I had done strict NC along time ago & really stuck with it for a longer period of time. Longest I've ever gone with total NC is a little over 2 months even though we've been broken up for basically a year now. Not only do I think I needed to go NC longer than that in order to start really detaching from him & healing from our breakup but I also think the fact that so far I've always given in & talked to him when he's contacted me in between girlfriends has given him the reassurance that he can take all the time he wants to explore other relationships because he thinks I'm always going to be right there waiting for him.

 

Since I resent the NC message a few days ago yet he's still continuing to contact me several times a day. I made it very clear in the NC message that I'll contact HIM when I'm ready. I wish he'd actually respect what I said in the message & just leave me alone completely!! However, he said to me recently that he "knows" that if he just leaves me alone completely, that I'm going to end up meeting & falling for some other guy & that then he'll never hear from me again. I felt like saying (but didn't) "No sh*t Sherlock! Maybe you should have thought of that when he dumped me, that me moving on & finding someone new is a definite possibility"! So, he's pretty much driving me nuts because he says stuff to make it sound like he's scared of losing me & has times where he seems all anxious & stressed about it yet he's obviously not willing to make any sort of meaningful long term commitment to me.

 

He actually left messages for me today apologizing about everything & saying that he's ready to get back together with me now. Even though I'd just gotten back on track with NC, I finally did give in & talk to him mainly just to tell him to knock it off & leave me alone & to please respect my request for time/space to think about things. He seemed really upset that I'm not just immediately welcoming him back with open arms. I've hoped & prayed for almost a year now that we'd get back together (& actually be able to make things work this time around for the "long haul"). However, he's done this same sort of thing before where he's begged me to go back out with him & then changed his mind soon afterwards. So, I obviously have ever reason to doubt whether or not he's being genuine. My gut instict though at this point is telling me that right now is just not the right time for us to reconnect & try to reconcile. Maybe even never but definitely not at this point in time. I mean hell...just a few days ago he was pretty much admitting me to that he's still not over this other girl that just broke up with him a week ago.

 

It just makes me sad (& angry) that it seems like he has a pattern of trying to reconcile with me really soon after things end with his latest girlfriend. It's not like he's calling me up saying "I had been seeing someone exclusively for awhile but just couldn't stop thinking about you & negatively comparing her to you & I love & miss you so much & I'm so sorry that I ever broke up with you & for everything I've done to you. I've ended things with this girl I was seeing because I realized that you're the best thing out there & you're the only girl I want to be with & if you're willing to give me another chance I'd really appreciate it". But...it never, ever seems to happen that way. It's like when he's with them, I suddenly don't hear a word from him for a few months/however long their relationship lasts & then as soon as he's single it's like he comes looking for me trying to see if I might want to be with him. It makes me really sad that I feel like I'm never his first choice. He tried to tell me earlier tonight that he realizes all of that now, that I'm the best girl out there for him, that he's so sorry, etc. But...I can just immediately get over the way he's jerked me around for the past year, especially when I have no solid reason to feel confident that he's actually serious now about wanting to reconcile.

 

I just want him to leave me alone & quit calling & texting me so much! It's making me really upset that he won't respect my need for space right now. I've thought about changing my number & some people I know have even suggested that I let the police deal with him contacting me incessantly but I'd really rather not have to go to the extreme of doing either of those things. If I have to do one or the other though, I will probably change my number. I've been trying my best to go NC but it's extremely difficult not to give in & answer at some point when someone is calling & texting you over and over and over again if for no other reason then to tell him to leave me the h*** alone, although that never seems to make a difference.

 

He's one of those guys that almost never cries (or lets anyone hear him cry anyways) yet he left me a message earlier tonight begging for me to go out with him again & flat out bawling his eyes out. But...when I gave in & answered one of his calls, although he was still asking for me to go back out with him, I could just tell by the tone of his voice that he seemed to be fairly ambivalent about it. He drives me nuts because anytime I ignore him for any decent length of time he acts like he's about to totally lose it (apparently because he's scared that he's finally going to lose me for good). But...the very 2nd I talk to him and/or hint that there's even the slightest hing of me someday agreeing to reconcile, I feel like he's right back to acting ambivalent about me again. What's the best way to handle guys like this? Any input/advice would be great. Thanks.

[Snuggly]

RUN!

 

Seriously, he's just keeping you on a string and you are nobody's puppet.

He is all about himself. When you dont ring he gets huge abandonment issues. But when you are available, he loses interest. Honestly, find a real man. You have no future with this one. He will be exactly the same if you get married or have kids and you will twist yourself into knots trying to make him happy.

 

He has major abandoment issues, thats why he freaks when he gets dumped or you won't answer. You can do a lot better. For the sake of your future kids, find a man who is there for you 100%

[butterfly6585]

Hey Snuggly,

I think you might be right that he has abandonment issues although I have no idea WHY. His parents have remained married for all these years so he's always had his mom & his dad in his life although he's made comments here & there to imply that sometimes his mom seemed to love his younger brother more than she loved him & that used to make him sad.

[doyathink]

Im going through the exact same thing. For almost 5 months now. Im so tired of it, I finally told him off so he'll never contact me again. But...I know he will. I said some very hateful things to him this time tho. Im tired of the ride!

[magnoliatree]

You've been broken up for a year and you guys broke up before. It's over. If you really want to move on, just change your number or send him straight to voicemail and ignore all of his contact. Why get bogged down with someone who only wants you when you are walking away? Not worth the drama.

[lollipop22]

I felt like i was reading my life story i actually put up with that same crap from my son's father for 20years last 4th of July we gave a big party for his family that came from out of town and two weeks later i got a phone call from a friend of mine that he had went to his hometown and brought some girl back that he met on the internet and moved her in his house. My son and i have never been asked to live with him he never wanted his son around. my son has TOURETTE SYNDROME and other mental health problems i have struggled alone with this with no help or mental support from my sons father.He is marrying this woman this Saturday 7/16/2011 i wasted 20years of my life with this man and he didn't even have the balls to tell me himself but he had the nerve to ask me to be his mistress and sneak around and sleep with him behind her back.He text me and call me constantly and says he love me and miss me.when i told him i had someone else he went crazy and cursed me out and called me all kind of dirty names.I called his house and told his girlfriend everything she didn't believe me and he got so mad and crazy i had to call the police and file a complaint.So if your thinking about getting back with him please don't let this man put you through this anymore you and your child deserve better.

[Hollyj]

No offense but. where is your self-respect???? This guy has already dumped you twice, are you looking for a third go?

 

He is totally stringing you along and disrespecting your wishes. My question, why do you keep telling him to not contact? If you want to remain out of contact, you block ALL forms of communication-including, changing the phone number-you don't tell him not to contact. Your actions show that you're not serious, and you want to communicate. I hate to say it but, you are your own worst enemy by continuing to be so available to this man. He has clearly shown that he is incapable of a relationship, and nothing is going to change.

 

If you're more interested in his behavior as well as your own, check out : link removed It will help you understand issues with emotionally unavailability and low self-esteem.

 

Just read that you're familiar with BR. If that's the case then you know exactly what this guy is doing with the push/pull behavior and what you need to do.

[MrEnigma]

It seems like he comes back to you for an ego boost or just some form relief it seems. I can't really tell, he may care about you or may not. Yet for this to happen three times and he being dumped recently. It could possibly be an ego boost or he realized your "it". I've seen friends have ex-girlfriends or boyfriends latch on because they get grass is greener. They try to find there so call "one" but the whole time it was right in front of them and they turn a blind eye. It either is too late or it works out in the end. I had a friend, he was exactly in your situation. He cared deeply about this girl, she dumps him, and goes on guy spree. She must have dated; 5 or 6 differnet guys in two years. He stayed single the whole time working on himself and goals, and still cared about her immensly even though new info about her was like a twist of the blade; he still loved her. She also played, I still love you card, then days or even weeks later; say I made a mistake then break him again. She did it about 4 times again. Yet he still loved her. One day she waltz backed into his life. Told him she was deeply sorry, it was her fault, wanted to explore and not miss a true opportunity ( in my opinion was bull * * * * ), she wanted to be unchained, etc. When it got down to her dating all these guys, she told him; I was trying to fill the void I created. I tried replacing you but it didn't work. In my opinion, it was extremely selfish. Yet he still loved her and they reconciled. They just got engaged a few months ago. I can't blame him, you love someone, you love them; even it they bring whole lot of hurt.

 

Honestly, its my opinion. Hey if you still love him, think about it or sit on it. You got to tell him straight up, make a choice. You keep putting me through pain, even after every failed relationship. You keep toying with me, either choose me or leave me alone. Don't let him get what he wants, It's your feelings and heart at stake; not his. Choice is yours as well. It can either work out, you guys reconcile, and endure/ make it work. Or part ways, find someone who truly wants and values YOU. If you want him to leave him alone, you need to make it clear to him. Let him know he screwed it up, he played with your emotions and ruined it by going back and forth with you. Let him sit in his crap.

[wicked6018]

he's broken your heart twice. think of all the time you've wasted on this dumb ass. forget him.

[RiceWineSherry]

He's manipulating you. Don't give him the power to do so. He knows his power over you and he's using this as a personal gain.

 

You need to put your foot down and stand up for YOUR happiness.

 

I think you'll be making a statement if you change your number or block him.