What do you do when you're already dead inside?

[MattW]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not to the point where I'm considering taking my own life, nor do I think I will ever be at that point. But more and more, I just feel like there's nothing in this life for me. I feel like my existence is completely pointless. I have no motivation to do anything, nor have I had any motivation for a very long time. Even the simple things I used to find it enjoyment in, like music, none of it really does anything for me anymore. I have no one in my life that I feel I can trust or relate to; my family has greatly let me down, and I absolutely suck at connecting with other people and creating and maintaining friendships.

 

As far as life goes, I feel trapped in an endless, hellish cycle. I've been working part time in retail for over three years now, and I absolutely *hate* working in retail. There's too much frustration in it, and it just feels like I've been doing the same menial tasks for three years now, while everyone else that gets hired somehow gets to jump ahead of me and do different things. I suppose I could look for another job, but I haven't graduated college yet, and I have no skills or qualifications to do anything else.

 

College is another issue altogether. I've spent three, going on four, years now, basically taking classes aimlessly at a community college. I just can't find anything that sticks, something I really want to pursue, and do with my life. What's worse is, there's a very good chance I'm going to have to quit school, because for whatever reason, I'm no longer getting financial aid (despite the fact that my grades have always been pretty good, and there has only been one semester that I was just under the required hours for full time status), and I can't pay for it myself, I have no one to help me pay for it, and I don't want to take out loans, because if I keep taking classes aimlessly, I'm going to end up amassing tons and tons of debt.

 

From my perspective, things are just about to get a whole lot worse, for me. I'm sick of this whole cycle, I'm sick of... well, I'm sick of me. I don't like myself, anymore. I might even say I hate who I am. I'm hardly even a person. I'm more of a shell of a person. It's almost like any traces of a person I used to be, is already dead, and now I'm just a "shell". Most days, I wish I didn't even have to get out of bed. Any time I have between work and college classes, I spend at home, by myself, doing nothing of value, because I have no motivation to do anything.

 

I feel completely dead inside. I feel worthless, I feel disconnected from people, from the whole world. I just don't feel like any of it even matters. I don't feel like there's any light at the end of the tunnel for me, I don't feel like there's something better coming my way. I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. When I was younger, I had pretty plain life goals (get a career, have an enjoyable social life, meet a nice girl, get married, start a family, etc.), but those simple goals made me happy. Now, I don't feel like I can have any of those things.

 

So... what do you do when you're already dead inside? How do you push yourself to go on? How do you keep yourself going?

[hexaemeron]

You're not dead inside. You're just quite depressed for a very long time. Perspective is a funny thing, especially to younger adults. It may seem like this will never change and it will always be this way. But that depends entirely on you. There are always different choices to be had, but not all of them are palatable in the short term.

 

So I guess I'd ask you are you willing to make a commitment to yourself for some short-term displeasure for long-term gain?

[MattW]

I'm not sure what more I can really do, though. Right now, my biggest "concern" is my education/ career. I absolutely positively do not want to spend the rest of my life working in retail, barely able to get by. The problem is, I have zero idea what I actually want to do with myself. I've changed my major at college a number of times, already, and I just can't find something that really sparks my interest. Every time summer rolls around, and I'm on break from college, I spend most of the summer doing tons of research, trying to find some kind of career path that might spark my interest, and I never end up finding anything, and before I know it, college is back in session.

 

At least with the social aspects of my problems, one can advise "Put yourself out there more, be more socially active, etc.", and that's all well and good, but that's not the core of my concern, yet. I want to make sure that I can live a reasonably comfortable life, without having to work in an area that I absolutely can't stand. But what recommendation can anyone give me for that? I'm already constantly researching different career fields, and whatnot, but nothing sticks. I just can't picture myself doing anything worthwhile, I can't find anything that really motivates me to get more focused and work towards a good degree and career position.

 

The other aspects of my depression are important, too, obviously, but I feel as though I need more confidence and passion to work on those, and in order to have more confidence and passion, I need some kind of identity, and in order to have an identity, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. But I just don't know. I don't feel I have any particular skills or talents, and there's not much that really sparks my interest. I don't know how to remedy that.

[hexaemeron]

One thing I think will help you a lot is that these are problems that do not all have to be "solved" today or all at once. That's what your life is for. You don't just magically understand yourself and everything and then go into the world and take it by storm. That's a fairy tale society loves to sell young people. Trust me, I understand where you are. We've all been there more or less.

 

Here's the cycle you're in. You feel dead inside so you're looking for all these outside things to bring you back to life, ie. career, socialization, etc; but it doesn't work like that. You have to relight yourself from the inside, and THEN those things on the outside will start to have a positive effect. If the inside is hurting, the outside stuff will never fix you. It's gravy. Cheesecake. If you want to find passion in the things you do, or to find the will to have passion about the things you do, you need to find it inside first.

 

Let me ask you: How do you treat your body today? Do you eat right? Exercise? Get enough sleep? Limit alcohol and other drugs? If you're not treating yourself right first, then you're making this battle (and it is one, I know) even more uphill.

 

Hope this helps.

[thejigsup]

You sound like you have been going through a depressive episode and should seek professional help. NO career path will excite you when you are feeling this way, it can't! Once you've started treatment for this, if ncecessary, you will find ambition and excitement come back into your life. You are right, you do deserve more than working part time at retail jobs for the rest of your life. Take control of things and get your life back.

[MattW]

Here's the cycle you're in. You feel dead inside so you're looking for all these outside things to bring you back to life, ie. career, socialization, etc; but it doesn't work like that. You have to relight yourself from the inside, and THEN those things on the outside will start to have a positive effect. If the inside is hurting, the outside stuff will never fix you. It's gravy. Cheesecake. If you want to find passion in the things you do, or to find the will to have passion about the things you do, you need to find it inside first.

 

Well, okay, but how do you go about doing that?

 

Let me ask you: How do you treat your body today? Do you eat right? Exercise? Get enough sleep? Limit alcohol and other drugs? If you're not treating yourself right first, then you're making this battle (and it is one, I know) even more uphill.

 

Eh, I'm fairly out of shape, but I'm not really overweight by any means. I don't really mind the "out of shape" look; no one can actually tell unless I'm stripped down (which I never am, around people), and I just don't think I could pull off the "in shape" and/ or "athletic" look.

 

You sound like you have been going through a depressive episode and should seek professional help. NO career path will excite you when you are feeling this way, it can't! Once you've started treatment for this, if ncecessary, you will find ambition and excitement come back into your life. You are right, you do deserve more than working part time at retail jobs for the rest of your life. Take control of things and get your life back.

 

Perhaps, but I doubt I could afford professional help. I'd assume it costs a pretty penny, and with the little money I make (combined with various bills), I'd imagine it's out of my price range. I've seen some suggest seeing if the college I go to has free therapy for students, and I've done some research on that, and the best I can tell, they don't have anything like that, so...

[hexaemeron]

Well, okay, but how do you go about doing that?

 

Eh, I'm fairly out of shape, but I'm not really overweight by any means. I don't really mind the "out of shape" look; no one can actually tell unless I'm stripped down (which I never am, around people), and I just don't think I could pull off the "in shape" and/ or "athletic" look.

 

See, that's interesting that you focused on the external appearance, but I'm more concerned with how you feel inside. When you don't exercise, when you don't eat right, your body does get physically depressed and most people consider this state to be "normal", when in fact, it's not. If I were you, I'd do a one month experiment. Make an active choice to research eating correctly and find some type of physical activity you can do for an hour three times a week or more. You will not immediately feel awesome. In fact, it will probably totally suck at first, but by the time your month is up, I bet you will feel 100% better before you even realize it.

 

Nothing is going to happen until you make it happen. Happiness will not fall into your lap.

[MattW]

See, that's interesting that you focused on the external appearance, but I'm more concerned with how you feel inside. When you don't exercise, when you don't eat right, your body does get physically depressed and most people consider this state to be "normal", when in fact, it's not. If I were you, I'd do a one month experiment. Make an active choice to research eating correctly and find some type of physical activity you can do for an hour three times a week or more. You will not immediately feel awesome. In fact, it will probably totally suck at first, but by the time your month is up, I bet you will feel 100% better before you even realize it.

 

Nothing is going to happen until you make it happen. Happiness will not fall into your lap.

 

I've tried, like, four times, over the last 3-4 years to force myself onto a better diet, and some kind of regular workout plan, and I always end up "falling off the wagon". I just can't seem to follow through on it, because it's not something I'm that adamant to change or improve.

[hexaemeron]

I've tried, like, four times, over the last 3-4 years to force myself onto a better diet, and some kind of regular workout plan, and I always end up "falling off the wagon". I just can't seem to follow through on it, because it's not something I'm that adamant to change or improve.

 

If I look at this logically, I see: "I'm unhappy with my life, but not unhappy enough to actually do anything about it." Apathy?

[MattW]

If I look at this logically, I see: "I'm unhappy with my life, but not unhappy enough to actually do anything about it." Apathy?

 

What I'm saying is, if there's an aspect of my life that I'm not particularly bothered or unhappy with, any attempts I make to change said aspect will most likely fail, because that's not an aspect that I really want to change. My weight/ physical fitness is not an aspect that I'm that concerned about, so I don't feel any urge or desire to work towards changing it. Yanno?

[hexaemeron]

What I'm saying is, if there's an aspect of my life that I'm not particularly bothered or unhappy with, any attempts I make to change said aspect will most likely fail, because that's not an aspect that I really want to change. My weight/ physical fitness is not an aspect that I'm that concerned about, so I don't feel any urge or desire to work towards changing it. Yanno?

 

Okay, well, I'm telling you that it will make a positive impact on your mental state AND a whole bunch of other things. I know I can't prove that to you, but seriously, one month experiment. Give it a month and prove me wrong.

[sdd66]

hi matt, i see this thread is a little old but i wanted to check on you. i'm a guy twice your age and only now coming to terms with these sorts of feelings. i can assure you that your descriptions sound very much like my feelings and my doctor is quite convinced i'm depressed. he has given meds and when the depression lifts, sometimes from one day to the next and for no reason i can pinpoint yet, i find i have a completely different out look , feel like life is not THAT big of a deal and why didn't i get more done yesterday? then it comes back and i start kicking myself, "why can't i get it together?" some times i feel like i can't imagine anything on the planet that might bring me joy. and it doesnt help when people say thinjgs like "you need to learn to love yourself" or "picture how much better you will feel when . . .. " because i can't picture it when i'm that down and comments like that only add to the sense that it's a personal failure. sometimes i wonder how am i going to survive the nexy 10 minutes , say nothing about weeks or months. i am just learning to deal with this stuff the last couple years so i don't have it all together but seeing your post made me see that whatever i'm going through others are too. just a word of warning, you may find yourself drawn to risky or thrill seeking behaviors in an effort to get some sort of rush or "feel alive" .

 

you may have a life threatening illness, and i think you should contact a suicide prevention or depression or mental health hotline right away so you can get on the road to feeling better. these hotlines will have info about free/low cost/gov't asst'd medical help. give whatever course of therapy your doc reccomends a try, months (unless you feel much worse then contact them immediately) . doctors can basically only prescribe treatment and then see how it helps you individually. and it may take several tries to get it right but you CAN FEEL BETTER and it's not your fault, my friend

[sdd66]

hello my friend,hexaemeron, you are obviously interested in helping people improve their lives. exercise diet and proper rest are great ways to improve ones outlook and sense of well being. however may i ask have you ever dealt with the kinds of feelings matt describes? not just listless for a few weeks or a summer vaca, but for years? and felt" DEAD INSIDE"? thats quite a bit different than being a bum for a week and not getting to the gym. this level of despondency that matt describes are serious and painful and he has tried to improve his life, he does research, keeps getting good grades , keeps trying different courses in school, stays for YEARS with a job he hates. he is not a loafer or a quitter. he isn't apathetic , he keeps trying and is even willing to beg for suggestions from strangers online.

 

the reason i ask if you have ever been there is because it is SO hard to understand, if you haven't. or if you don't know what you are dealing with. i have been depressed ( and occasionally suicidal) for much of my life , but thought it was because i was worthless. not FELT worthless, WAS worthless. and didn't realize this might be a problem. i pushed and faked my way thru much of my life, always feeling like i was on the outside looking in. sometimes we want to say to people "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps!" because we can't figure it out until we've been there. broken bones or bloody wounds are obvious and we can sympathise quickly because we see the injury. i had both kind s and let me tell ya , the broken on the inside hurts much worse and heals much more slowly than my shattered bones and torn open face after an accident. all i'm trying to say is be careful that in your efforts to help , your words don't accidentally make someone feel like their legitimate health issues are some how their fault. many of these people are dealing withg unresolved traumatic issues such as death of a parent as a child, physical, emotional or sexual abuse, breakup of ,or no happy , family life as a child. and sometime s suffering thesse things at the hands of those who are supposed to protect them. i wish you well.

[Rob Kleiman]

Lay Down. I already died too... I just haven't laid down yet. Dirt nap coming soon!