Update. Still need help and support.

[wicked6018]

First of all, I appreciate all the help more than any of you will ever know. I don't even know who any of you are, just people on this site, and yet you seem to really care about my problem.

 

Well, I wrote the note. I took it and the box of all his things and met him at the same place we were yesterday. He was much more calm today because he slept.

 

i gave him the note and warned him that it would not make him happy at all, because of how i addressed his friends. he read it calmly, apologized for the things he said yesterday, and we talked like adults.

 

but we didn't really get anywhere. i am still in this hole, and still so confused.

 

we both agree that we have not been truly happy together like we used to be. every day is the same routine: he goes to work, (i am just in school right now, not work.) then he comes to my house, and all we have to do is watch tv, eat, and maybe do an occasional board game or play music together. always the same. we agree that we never have anything to talk about anymore, it's as if we just don't know how to make conversation with each other anymore. our talks used to just flow.

 

his mom said that we need space, and he agrees. i am fine with that, but still so confused. i don't want/need space from him, he just does from me. and here is what really, really confuses me:

 

he told me that he things we rushed things so much and that we should've listened to our parents before we got engaged. i am in school, he works at a restaurant and has been working for months to join the coast guard. he told me he thinks we should take a step back. (as in, just be together, but not engaged.) this really hurt me. i gave him the rings back, but at the same time, he acted as if he didn't want to take them.

 

i feel like he is very confused, too. he doesn't know what in the hell he wants. to me, it seems so simple: either you love me and you want to be with me forever, or you don't. I would rather we either stay completely together or be completely broken up.

 

i texted him when i got home and said that i don't like the idea of not being engaged anymore, and that we may as well break up if that's the case. he told me that that isn't what he wants and he doesn't know why i gave the ring back.

 

i was ready, after yesterday, to break up with him.

 

we both just are so frustrated. we want things to be like they used to be for us, and we don't know how to get back there. he said he is going to take the next few days to himself to work on coast guard stuff, and to think about what he can do for us.

 

and then, he wants us to plan to get together.

 

what if we dont' have anything to talk about still??? do we give it up then???? i am so stressed and depressed about this, how the hell am i supposed to be fun to be around the next time he sees me? how am i supposed to be myself????

 

my mom is very upset, and thinks that we should have just broken up. she doesn't see things getting any better and said she does not see us having a future together. this worries me, because i know that "mother knows best."

 

please, please help. i'm just as confused now as i was before. i am willing to work on this if things can be how they were, but if they aren't, then i will have just wasted all this time and emotions on something that is going to hurt worse in the end. :sad:

[Kitkat973]

Cost/benefit analysis might be an odd way to look at it, but if you want to be in a relationship with him, then I really don't think you stand to gain anything by not giving him the time apart he's asking for. If you rush him into a decision now that he's not ready to make, your future relationship will suffer for it.

[wicked6018]

so i need to just go with the whole, we aren't engaged anymore, thing???

[jaywalk]

gotta be honest here....had to skim through the last two threads due to their length but the way I understand this so far is his living condition isnt something you approve of, he's taking your feelings into consideration on something that's important to you, you can't live together because of your family and now there is talk of ending the relationship and he wants time to think about how to proceed. Hope thats accurate. sometimes we men have short attention spans

I agree with kit kat on this in that you should give him and yourself some time to cool off and get some perspective. Rushing into a decisioncan be hazardous. It seems you are both stressed over this and could use the time to cool off some

[wicked6018]

i just feel like i should end it. he wants to see if thing s can be how they used to , but thinsg haven't been good in months. he works in fast food, he didn't do anything for my birthday or valentines day, yet he has money to spend on his friends and his dumb band. i think he is definitely not ready for a relationship, especially not a marriage! we were engaged for nine months, and now he is unsure about it? i just don't get that. i don't think he's ready for commitment, at least not to me. just wish he'd figured this out a LONG time ago!

[abitbroken]

Please STOP listening to his mom and your mom. If you want an adult relationship where you are engaged or could be, you need to listen to eachother and what's inside and not have a high school relationship where the moms are telling you to break up. It seems that things were okay but maybe hit a rut and he let his mom convince him that he needs space and you both were convinced that you were engaged too soon. That is why he really didn't want to take the ring back. His mind was made up for them. I mean, the moms are upset it wasn't a clean break?? Are they in this relationship. If you want to get out of a rut, go do new things. Try something together you haven't tried like instead of playing music - go see a band play. Take a cooking class. Hike to see a sunset. Go to a live theater. Have something new to do and talk about. OR break up. But stop, stop, stop, having a relationship with 4 people in it. There is you and him.

 

If he works in fast food and he is young - well its hard to break in sometimes to high paying jobs right off the bat. many people start at the bottom. Btw, fast food managers and franchisees can make a lot of money. BTW, v day is an overblown holiday, and what did he not do for your b day? If you guys are young, maybe you need to let him know what would be nice to do for a birthday. Some families don't make b days a big deal so maybe he didn't make yours a big one. You need to COMMUNICATE rather than set him up to fail.

 

So, he might not be ready to be engaged, but then neither are you if you can't speak your mind to him before the fact.

[wicked6018]

trust me, i speak my mind to him. the first year we were together, he made me a birthday cake, brought it, flowers, balloons, etc. to me in bed. the next year, what did he do for me? nothing. i told him that i'm not ok with that, and that he needed to shape up for v day, and did he? no. did i let it slide? yeah. i think he's really immature, and i'm just now seeing it. i think he puts his feelings and his * * * * * * * friends and his dumb band that is never going anywhere, before me. he's not ready to be engaged, and i don't think he's even ready for a relationship, unless it's with an 18 year old. it's so hard, because i hear advice from some people on this site saying we need to break up, and others saying we should work on it. i don't know what to do. i just really feel, in my heart, that things are not going to change.

[abitbroken]

it's so hard, because i hear advice from some people on this site saying we need to break up, and others saying we should work on it. i don't know what to do.

 

because you created a bunch of different threads and every one of them is different. In some, you show his sensitive, caring side and that he has been depressed and wants to try and sometimes you portray him like a total rude loser. Sometimes you frame things as your mom and sister weighing in heavily that you should break up with him, etc. it is difficult when you don't just stick to one thread and add things - people are naturally going to give you different advice based on what you reveal. I think the one thread about your taking time apart that is more recent sounds like things are moving forward. he realizes he needs to move out, etc. You both need time to think and grow. If you grow and get back together eventually - great. if you outgrow eachother - that could happen too