Latest Contact with Ex - Tactical Advice Needed

[ForwardOn]

Ex recently emailed after about 4 months of NC/Very low LC to talk about getting her things back from my place (this after a 10 month relationship). We chatted online where she said that she missed me and is still upset that things didn't pan out. I suggested we meet up to give her the things, she said she would like to see me but was afraid it'd be very sad and that I'd be angry and she'd feel terrible. A female friend of hers volunteered to get her things, and at first I said I'd rather not involve other people in this and assured her I wouldn't be bitter if we meet, and she agreed to meet up. The idea was that we'd meet first and then arrange for the returning of things separately.

 

A few days after, she emailed and asked if we could just meet at my place for us to talk and also grab her things. I didn't reply.

 

But then, bc of my busy schedule, a few days later I told her via email that I'll ask the friend to come pick up the ex's things so she wouldn't wait much longer.

 

The part I'm regretting now is me ending the email with: after you get your things, when you do feel like meeting sometime, contact me, and we can do something.

 

Now I feel like I've conceded power to her by mentioning us meeting and also basically saying here, i give you the deciding power. Did I mess up?

 

What do you guys think? Is damage control needed? What should I do next? I am thinking she might reach out again after she gets her things, but am not sure what she will say and how should I respond if she asks if I still want to meet. Thanks in advance for any input.

[Snowy]

You haven't said anything about what YOU want?

 

Do you want a friendship? A reconciliation? or what?

 

I don't know if you screwed it up or not, but yes, the ball's in her court now.

[Richard-]

I don't really know anything about your history with her, or what your goals are but I think you're over-thinking this to much. Yes you did put yourself in a vulnerable position by putting the ball in her court, but I don't think it's a huge problem unless you expect her to do or not do something. Just find a way to give her the items, and keep moving toward whatever goal you have in mind. As far as her making plans with you in the future, if you think you're where you need to be to emotionally to have a friendship or whatever she's offering (assuming she does) than go for it, but if you're not there just say you're busy and you will get back to her.

[ForwardOn]

I'm not interested in just being friends with her.

 

Is it a good or bad thing for the ball to be in her court? I felt like because I had suggested us meeting up and tried to calm her fears about it, I didn't want to appear like I'm "pushing" to meet.

[Richard-]

She asked you to meet initially, so you were only just re-scheduling in essence.

[ForwardOn]

It was actually me who suggested meeting when we chatted online. When she first got in touch with the email, she mentioned the friend was willing to be the go-between.

 

She implied feeling very emotional about things in the initial email, and she let some of that show more during the online chat. I suggested meeting so she can say whatever. Everything felt so vague and I didn't know where she was coming from. Still don't, and I don't want to waste my time meeting her and going through all that and having to deal with I-miss-you-as-a-friend crap.

[dramallama]

Why didn't you just wait to see if she felt enough feelings to warrant meeting up with you?

[ForwardOn]

The online chat showed the most emotion and feelings from her. She talked about missing me, feeling upset that things didn't work out. She said I miss you about 3-4 times, and I felt like there was something there worth talking about. She hasn't released as much emotion in later correspondence via email, and am not sure if it's her becoming distant or just a function of a composed email vs. a live chat. It could be a function of me not showing my cards too much about how I feel during the online chat, and she was responding in kind. I brought up meeting bc I felt like unless it's face-to-face, she's the type to just be afraid to say things outright.

 

I've also been working out physically and have lost a good amount of weight, and have also worked on correcting issues that led me to try to please her too much. I wanted to show my improvements. Am also curious as to how I'll even perceive her after all these times.

 

I'm trying to not exert pressure, abut also do not want to appear like I'm just so accommodating. The way that she treated me in the relationship and after it doesn't necessarily warrant me being this way, but I didn't want to be like I'm holding your things hostage (hence I've allowed her the option of the friend picking up her things sooner) and I didn't want to come off as bitter and angry, hence my nicer tone to her (after having been very curt and 1-2 sentence quick the few times she contacted me previously because I refuse to be an emotional doormat when she felt the need).

[dramallama]

"missing you" is one thing, but she hasn't actually asked to be back together. She can be upset that things didn't work out, but it doesn't mean that she regrets her decision to leave you. People can love and miss you all they want, but if they've dumped you, then you must accept that they don't want to be with you, which is what really counts. Words are cheap.

[ForwardOn]

I realize that dramallama, which was the reason why I decided to put the ball in her court. I wanted to see what she will do. Now I'm just hoping it was the right move to make bc I've also given her some power back after having kept the space for these months we've been apart with mostly NC (plus very LC).

 

I guess I will have to wait to see what she'll do after she gets her things back. I'm just trying to think ahead a little and see what I should do in response to whatever happens, so I won't be caught off guard, like I did with the break-up.

[dramallama]

I think you've left the door open, but not in a good way. You should have said, "since we're not together anymore, it's probably best if we don't keep in touch. If you ever want to work things out, you're free to contact me and we can do lunch. Otherwise, it would be good if you respected my need for space so that I can move on."

 

If she does contact you, then you need to specifically ask her whether it is just as friends, and if it is (she doesn't say that she wants to reconcile or talk about "us") then tell her that you've been thinking and that it's not going to work for you but that you wish her the best.