BrokenSmile Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 I've been wanting to post a thread about a guy I'm sort of seeing, but I couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted to get out of this post, until it just dawned on me. I know that there are alot of posts here on ENA about people sending "mixed signals", whether its from an ex or current relationship. A common answer is that the person is actually not sending mixed signals; the person receiving the signals has interpreted them that way. Like if an ex says they miss you and you think it means that they want to get back together, and when they don't you claim they're sending mixed messages. In reality, if the ex wanted to get back together with you, they would. (If that makes sense). So. I was just thinking that I always feel like I am able to read into someone else's situation more than my own, probably because I'm too close to my own situation to take a step back and see what's going on. But if anyone can take the time to read the situation between this guy and I and tell me what they think, it would be much appreciated. ------ I met this guy in January when a bunch of us were invited out with a mutual friend. I saw him several times over the next few months, always in group situations, and we would occasionally talk on facebook, but we didn't have each other's phone number, so we only saw each other when a friend invited us both out. In April, he got my phone number through a friend, and we started hanging out more often, still with other people. Then one night he came over really late at night, we watched a movie and he ended up sleeping over (in my bed, and we had a really really brief close-mouthed kiss but nothing else happened). We went to breakfast the next morning, and he texted me every night that week. We started texting everyday and spending every weekend night together, sometimes there would be a really short kiss, but otherwise nothing else happened, but we would always cuddle and talk for hours. During this time we would also go out in groups with friends, or go out by ourselves to dinner or breakfast. I also met his dad. At one point, after a few weeks of this, I asked him what was going on between us. He said something like he wasn't quite sure but we were getting to know each other better. He said that probably didn't answer my question, but he didn't know if I was expecting to hear a different answer. And I said no, I wasn't actually sure what I wanted to hear, honestly. Neither of us wanted to ruin the friendship we had been building. The other problem was that I was leaving soon to go accross the country for 6+ weeks, so I know that I at least didn't really want to start something right before leaving. Oh, it also came up that we were not exclusive, but he wouldn't want to hear about it if I was with someone else. A few days before leaving, I went over to his house one night, and we talked for a few hours and ended up having sex. I am still kind of shocked by that. Neither of us expected it to happen; I had already told him that I have to be extremely comfortable with someone and I like to take things slowly and he did not put pressure on me at all to do anything. He actually put the opposite of pressure on me. We had had about 8 sleepovers at that point and the most we had done was kiss, completely PG kissing too. I ended up feeling really comfortable with him and am mainly the one that initiated the sex that night too. When we were talking the next day, he said it was the best he ever had, I'm not quite sure if I can believe that, but I think it's probably true because we are emotionally involved, where he's has a few ONS in the past. We saw each other the next few days before I left, both in group settings and alone. He took me to dinner the night before I left, and then we stayed up until around 3am even though he has to wake up for work in the morning, because neither of us wanted me to leave. He said he'd miss me alot. I made some sort of terrible joke about all the guys at this wedding I was going to be going to hitting on me for my dance moves (which are awful) and he said that if the opportunity came up for me to be with someone else, I shouldn't hold myself back because of him. I was pretty surprised that he said that.. But then he said that he wasn't planning on doing anything with anyone. (which i know of course not a guarantee). As far as I know, his last experience before me was over a year ago. Anyway, since I've been back, I've gotten varying levels of communication from him. At first we were talking everyday and then one day he didn't contact me at all, which was the first day we went without talking in weeks. But then the next day he texted me three times, asking if I was okay when I didn't respond within a few hours (I was busy that day). We've talked on the phone maybe twice and skype twice too. Every once in a while he'll say he misses me and can't wait until I come back. But then I'll go days without hearing from him at all. I didn't hear from him the past two days so I texted him way earlier today and he responded right away, and when I responded to that, he just never said anything back... So now that I'm heading back accross the country in the next few days, I've been thinking/ stressing about this. I really have no idea what he is feeling about me, I really do feel like there are some mixed messages... I don't know if when I am back in person with him, I should just chill out and see what happens and let things happen "naturally", or if I should try to have another conversation with him about where things are going.. I don't want to come accross as super clingy. I was just thinking that if things were to "end" between us, that now would be the best time since we haven't seen each other in a long time, rather than picking up where things left off only to have things end as I'm getting more attached to him. Also, I'm fine with everything we've done in the past, but I've decided that I don't want to continue sleeping with someone I'm not in a relationship with. Yet I don't want to manipulate him into being in a relationship with me just for that, and I don't want to seem like that's what I'm trying to do either. So yeah.. sorry if you've read all that, I know it's long. But any advice would be much appreciated! Any at all. But, please be kind.. Thanks! Link to comment
listed Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 honestly I skipped a little bit but if he had sex with you he's probably sexually attracted to you. If you want to pursue this then go ahead and if he shuts you down then this was about as much of a green light as you could get so don't sweat it Link to comment
BlueMilk Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Hmm, this is a tough situation. He told you already that he doesn't expect exclusivity and even encouraged you to go on ahead. Either he is a really cool guy who is into open relationships or he is into cuckoldry...OR he is not into being in a committed relationship right now for whatever reason. Your talk happened before you guys had sex which can change things around; and now its been a while since you two hung out. I say when you get back chill out for a bit and see how it goes. If you guys resumed your friendship/relationship then that's when I would bring up 'the talk'. If you don't resume your relationship then, well, perhaps you guys are better off as friends. Link to comment
BrokenSmile Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 Hmm, this is a tough situation. He told you already that he doesn't expect exclusivity and even encouraged you to go on ahead. Either he is a really cool guy who is into open relationships or he is into cuckoldry...OR he is not into being in a committed relationship right now for whatever reason. Your talk happened before you guys had sex which can change things around; and now its been a while since you two hung out. I say when you get back chill out for a bit and see how it goes. If you guys resumed your friendship/relationship then that's when I would bring up 'the talk'. If you don't resume your relationship then, well, perhaps you guys are better off as friends. Wow, thanks for reading.. I wasn't sure if anyone was going to! Waiting to see what happens when I'm back does make sense... Link to comment
BrokenSmile Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 honestly I skipped a little bit but if he had sex with you he's probably sexually attracted to you. If you want to pursue this then go ahead and if he shuts you down then this was about as much of a green light as you could get so don't sweat it I don't blame you for skipping.. Yeah I guess he's probably sexually attracted to me, just not sure about the emotional/ relationship part. I am terrified of getting shut down! Link to comment
givinggirl Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 I think he's just as confused as you are. It sounds like he likes you, but it treading lightly. Just see how things go when you get back. Link to comment
WockaWocka Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Hmm.. I'm not completely sure I see the mixed messages here. I had to reread to make sure I wasn't missing something! It was still a nascent relationship when you left and there wasn't a commitment to be exclusive so it seems natural there might be some days when you wouldn't talk. And he didn't respond to some text messages, that doesn't seem alarming to me. I actually think it's nice that he's not crowding your space. ..well, to a point. A little crowding can be nice. he's said he misses you and he's certainly made an effort to keep in touch, so that's good. Unfortunately, you can't really discern much more about his feelings or intentions until you reconnect in person. I'd try to keep an open mind. Maybe his relationship style is very independent. Maybe he's trying to keep things casual. It's difficult to say. But it does sound like a very sweet relationship to date! Cheers. Link to comment
BrokenSmile Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 Wow, I'm impressed that you not only read this, but REread it. Thank you. I guess what I meant with the whole mixed messages thing is that sometimes when you're in the situation, it feels like that's what's happening, even though to an outsider it's not at all. I'm glad you think that's not what's happening here. I don't exactly know what to expect when I get back, but the general consensus seems to be that I should take it slow and see what happens. I'm just so afraid of getting hurt. Link to comment
BrokenSmile Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 mini-update: he finally just texted me back after not replying at all yesterday afternoon.. sent a whole paragraph, said sorry he's been really busy, asked how I'm doing... I'm glad he took the time to write back, but I feel like it's not entirely true that it was just busy-ness that kept him from texting me- I feel like he could've sent me a one word text that said that yesterday afternoon.. Afterall he had time to change his facebook picture during that time.. Link to comment
WockaWocka Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 I'm just so afraid of getting hurt. I know what you mean. And it's good to be a bit wary. But you don't want to be so afraid of getting hurt that you start seeing everything as a signal that he's not interested. How long until you see each other in person? Link to comment
BrokenSmile Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 I know what you mean. And it's good to be a bit wary. But you don't want to be so afraid of getting hurt that you start seeing everything as a signal that he's not interested. How long until you see each other in person? Very true. I do think that I'm starting to overprotect myself. I can feel myself start to close off anytime I get a slight vibe that he might not be interested. I was actually supposed to be back tomorrow, but I haven't left yet. I know part of it is that I'm anxious about seeing him.. We'll see each other within the next 5 days or so. AHH! Link to comment
WockaWocka Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Great. A few days isn't bad. Please let us know how it goes!! Link to comment
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