Can't take it anymore.

[KeepMe]

I can't take it anymore, I've kept my cool around my boyfriends brothers for a long time but this last year I've bee wanting to snap. I've been dating my boyfriend for about three years and he has two younger brothers "N" and "M". I have no problems with "N" but when it comes to "M" it's a whole other ball game. Generally I use to really like "M" he was my favorite of my boyfriends family but now I just can't stand being near him. Could you?

 

This is how "M" is ... "M" is 19 and lives with his parents. He's a mooch, he has no job, no education, no drivers license, has no clue how to drive, has no desire to get his license, and LIVES for video games. He has already admitted that he wants to live with his parents even when he's older (much older) and his parents aren't in that great of financial shape yet I've heard him brag "well if there is anything that I REALLY want, I know mom would get it for me." "N" got a job working hard mowing and doing a lot of outdoor labor, getting 15 bucks an hour. This is a kid who doesn't have an education, still lives at home, and has never had a job in his life and his first job is 15 bucks an hour! Great! Well "M" got the same offer too and worked for a week and thought it was too hard and quit. I guess he thought his mothers upstairs was much more convenient for him.

 

My boyfriend will invite "M" and "N" over to hang with us, "M" says he likes to hang out with us but he also openly admitted that he mostly enjoys our internet. My boyfriends family lives in the country so they don't get high speed internet in their area. "M" cannot leave his house without lugging around his huge computer, not a laptop, but his desktop computer that is literally bigger than a suit case plus his monitor and the rest of his computer junk. When "M" gets to my house he sets up in the dining room which is the center of the whole house (my house is opened space) and sets up camp.

 

"M" will be fine for a couple of hours and then heaven forbid my internet happens to run slow a minute and he'll frantically run around the house asking who is using their computers and why his game is lagging slightly? I guess where I live there is no such thing as an electric bill because "M" will leave his computer on all day and all night when he spends some time with us. "N" usually uses the living room to play his xbox on my big screen and "M" takes up the rest of the house with his computer games, I'm usually stuck in my room watching television in bed because my boyfriend is on the computer playing with "M" on an internet game. When "N" goes home and my boyfriend goes to work I'll be in my room listening to music or watching television. "M" (without asking) will come back to my room and close my door if he hears my music or my television because I'm bothering HIM in MY house! This really irritates me, who does this kid think he is??

 

Last but not least everything is a debate with "M", sometimes he will ask the most simple silliest question about something you literally thought that everyone in the world knew, and then he'll turn around and try and sound like Einstein on a topic that he has no clue about. He doesn't have an ounce of common sense in him but he will bring up silly topics and try and explain them to you out of the blue like he's teaching you something. He brought up cancer today and just randomly brought it up and just went on and on telling me the basics of cancer and how it's formed and that the world thinks anything causes cancer because in general nobody knows what causes cancer. Yet he turns around and asks me how in the world does my mothers colostomy bag work that she had to have after beating Rectal cancer. ](*,)

 

How should I bring this up without sounding rude? To be honest I'm horrible with confrontation, I try to avoid it at all cost. What should I say? Should I tell him myself or should I let my boyfriend talk with him? If me, then how would I say it? I also to be 100% honest happen to think that if I did mention this things would change a bit' but he would go back to his old ways soon after. This is an immature young adult that I'm talking about that calls everyone banana heads and hippies and poo poo heads ... I doubt it'll even get through to his so called brain.

[DN]

How often does your boyfriend invite them over?

[catfeeder]

This is between you and your BF. The only issue that's yours to negotiate is how often and how long the kid is invited to stay in your home. You'll have better leverage if you avoid sounding accusatory and leave all private judgements about the kid out of it. Stay strictly within the parameters of what you can expect when BF has him over: how much notice BF can give you, whether you're willing to arrange to stay somewhere less stressful during his visit, how often this occurs.

 

The rest is really none of your business, and if you tread there, you'll set yourself up as 'the enemy' and you'll start a war you can't win.

[KeepMe]

They usually ask my boyfriend if they can come over and it's often and when they do come over "M" always stays for at least a week. Also I would NEVER stay somewhere else because this is "my" house. This is not my boyfriends house and my boyfriend doesn't pay anything on the house nor the rent or any of the utilities. I don't see how the only issue that I'm aloud to negotiate is how long and how often "M" stays when everything these kids are using is all of my property besides "M's" computer. When "M" leaves that computer on all day and all night for a week straight it comes out on my electric bill, not theirs.

 

I could see if it were my boyfriends things or if we shared the house but we don't, and I don't think it's appropriate for "M" to just waltz back to my room and close my door like I'm bothering him or something. "M" and "N" only live 15 minutes away, they make trips to town daily, these aren't out of town relatives of his they are close by and they want to come for a sleep over all the time. I've been super nice and I've never been mean to them, I've never gotten on to them, and I welcome them in my home, but I'm starting to feel like they take advantage of my home and they don't respect my property or me.

[catfeeder]

The key word was 'negotiate'. If this is your home, and you own it, then that's entirely different than sharing a home equally with someone who pays his own way. You've got the foundational position. Leaving all the personality stuff out of it benefits you because this isn't about being 'right,' it's about being effective. You can be as right as it comes, but if you only use it to harm BF's receptivity to hearing what your actual needs are, then that won't buy you anything but an adversary.

 

Figure out exactly what you want to negotiate, and then offer something in exchange for it. Just throwing out a mish-mash of things that offend you doesn't give BF anywhere to go and offers no solutions to consider. If the idea is to get what you want, then decide what that is, and approach BF from the position of a lover who's on the same side who's asking him to consider some workable options to make you happy.

 

In your corner.

[yeahlori]

Wow sounds like this M kid is a real winner. He should plan on being a 40 year old VIRGIN living that way, or he should hope there is big enough sucker to ever put up with him.

 

So they just ask your boyfriend to come over to your house and your boyfriend says yes? Since this is your house, you need to lay down some law. You have the power and authority to do so. You need to take control and protect your house. They ARE taking advantage and they will continue to do so as long as they know they can get away with it. Is he running up your electric bill by bringing his computer over? If it's prominent enough, I would definitely send him a copy of the bill and tell him what he owes.

 

Definitely limit visiting time, to however long you desire. If you have to, make up some reason why they can't stay very long, say you have other company coming or something. Hopefully they all don't stay there while you aren't home, please? Although I normally wouldn't resort to lying but it's hard to dismiss visitors who are bound to overstay their welcome. But it needs to be done. Your house, your rules. Once you put your foot down, they should back down, especially if you start asking Mr Couch Potato to pay up, he should get lost for the most part.