BAD IDEA..update

[iceesnowbubble]

Alright guys...after thinking about this for a few days now I have decided to follow some others on this board and "lay it on the line" with the ex. I am planing on writing him an email basically telling him how I feel..and that if decided that he doesn't want to be friends i am not gonna sit around and wait forever, and this will be the last time I ever want contact with him. Does that sound to harsh? Because honestly I am tired of analyzing his every move, thinking about whether or not he thinks of me..im just tired of it. ALthough we have had no contact, I want to have the friendship that he said we could have..and I see no effort on his part..thereforeeee I think that its time to just say how I feel...anyone got some advice?

[dnsking]

Dont look weak by showing you care more, because thats how he will take it. If you just let it go sooner or later we will show effort in talking to you. Tust me on this.

[Beec]

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

 

What do you really want from this guy? If you want him, don't ever send that letter.

 

All the stuff you did at the break, like begging, this is just like it. You are getting mad at him for not meeting your needs and desires and cutting him off, in a semi-tantrum, because of your needs and desires. If you want someone, the way to get them is by self-sacrifice, whether geared at seduction or demonstrating love. This letter is all about your needs, and it is anti-seductive.

[bexcelant]

Don't play games. Put it out there and never look back. Let him know exactly where you stand and tell him you aren't going to keep him if he doesn't want to be with you. Tell him you're moving on with your life and let him go. But tell him how you feel. After that..I guarantee you'll be at peace because you will have said and done all that you could. How sad to go through your whole life wondering what might have been. Say it if it's a last ditch effort and you're completely sick of the games. Tell him the way it is what you want and what you don't want.

 

BEX

 

Then stick to your guns. Don't call him because then it's on him and not on you.

[AngelOfDarknes]

ok totally send him that letter! just i think the part like you wanna tell him and this will be the last time I ever want contact with him it is a bit harsh dont say that or you will regret it on later i said so many stupid stuff that i wish i never even said it..... and dont tell him all your feelings, i send my ex a letter and he wrote me back, and were becomeing friends again so your letter could work just dont tell him everything how you feel so goodluck

[iceesnowbubble]

I wrote it..and it's not too harsh..just stating i want him to make some effort if he wants me as a friend..so well see ..if anyone wants to read it then PM me ..i could use the advice

[otterloo]

In my opinion I wouldn't send the e-mail. I sent a couple of e-mails pouring my heart out to my ex about 5 weeks ago and it didn't work at all. She ended up getting closer to another guy that she didn't even have feelings for. I ended up calming down and just started being there for her if she needed me and she eventually realized that she still wanted to be with me, but the letter pushed her further away. Try to look at it logically. Do not say anything that you will regret because you won't be able to take your words back and try to be mature about it and see it from the other side too. My ex needed to figure things out on her own and by me pressuring her I just made it worse. If he wants to be friends then you will be eventually and if not then you do not need him as a friend.

[iceesnowbubble]

I am at the stage where I gave him his space, got over the crying and realized I don't want him back in my life as a boyfriend figure, I just want a friendship, but no matter what I do it seems he doesn't put forth the effort to keep me as a friend. The email basically tells him that I am not always gonna be around for him to have as a friend, and that if he doesn't want friedship, i respect the decision..but it's done for good.

[rich46]

Yeah I agree with bexcelant. Sometimes people are too quick to say "Don't send it." If you think it will make you feel better, then send it. Like I said in a post yesterday (although it has since been deleted as I swore twice in it ), these so-called strategies are a waste of time. Say your piece, and if he ever wants to come back to you, he will do it.

 

I called my ex on Sunday and told her that I thought about her every minute of the day, that I loved her, but I couldn't be friends with her right now (despite really really wanting it to be possible). She cried when I told her these things, and although I have been upset the last couple of days, I feel content in the fact that IF she comes back to me, it will be because she wants to. If she doesn't, then it simply wasn't meant to be. She knows how I feel, and there is nothing more I can do.

 

Sure it is going to be hard, but I can now move on with MY life, or at least try. I don't have to "analyze" her "every move" anymore. Honestly iceesnowbubble, you may well feel worse for the next few days, but eventually you will feel content and relieved that you let him know exactly how you feel.

 

I also agree with Angel*Of*Darknes that you don't need to be harsh. Just be open and honest, and true to your feelings.

 

 

Dont look weak by showing you care more, because thats how he will take it. If you just let it go sooner or later we will show effort in talking to you. Tust me on this.

I certainly don't buy this. I am fed up of thinking about who is being weak, what should I do to get her to call me, is she still interested etc. etc. etc.

 

Lay it on the line in a nice, calm manner and then the ball is in his court. A whole weight of anxiety will be lifted off your shoulders. You'll have done everything possible, and you can start to move on with your life. Not forget him, but you can begin to move on...

 

Just my thoughts,

 

Rich

[iceesnowbubble]

by the way...rich you were my inspiration for doing this, just thought you would like to know...

[rich46]

by the way...rich you were my inspiration for doing this, just thought you would like to know...

 

Very flattering , but I want you to do what YOU think is best. Like I said, I have been devastated the last couple of days. BUT my ex knows how I feel, and if she ever comes back to me, it will be because SHE wanted to. I treated her really well during our 3.5 years, and I maintained my dignity during the break up (in my opinion anyway).

 

So thank you for the kind words. Whatever you choose to do, good luck! It will be the right decision because YOU chose to do it and you chose to do it because your heart told you to.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[iceesnowbubble]

after reading your post the other day..and what you said about 'playing all the games" and " analyzing their every move" ..I have been thinking in that mind set for a long time..about how dumb it is..how we have to use the strategies..and walk on eggs shells as to not ruin the chance of the ex coming back... thats bogus. It's time for the truth. Honesty. If the ex doesnt come back..their loss..someone else out there is for us. It hurts..but the wieght is getting lifted off the shoulders.and I know that i have done all i can. Glad that the whole NC thing worked for myJoy and danimal..but I am not a NC kind of girl.

[RayKay]

after reading your post the other day..and what you said about 'playing all the games" and " analyzing their every move" ..I have been thinking in that mind set for a long time..about how dumb it is..how we have to use the strategies..and walk on eggs shells as to not ruin the chance of the ex coming back... thats bogus. It's time for the truth. Honesty. If the ex doesnt come back..their loss..someone else out there is for us. It hurts..but the wieght is getting lifted off the shoulders.and I know that i have done all i can. Glad that the whole NC thing worked for myJoy and danimal..but I am not a NC kind of girl.

 

NC does not have to be done (I am not doing NC) - and even MyJoy and danimal broke NC eventually - but they did NOT do it the way you are about to do it.

 

Anyway, it is not about walking on eggshells, or playing games. I don't have to keep telling my ex how I feel. That is the wrong thing to do in this case! Those "games" are not games, it is about seduction, which is NOT a game. It is life. If you are doing it out of love and good intentions, it is NOT about evil manipulation.

 

I am not dishonest with my ex, never have been and never will be. But I am respecting that he needed to make this choice and I can't force him to think any other way - not consciously anyway. That does not mean I give up hope and stop trying to win him back - it just means I have to adapt, look at things from his viewpoint. I don't let my ex walk all over me while I walk on eggshells - the idea is that I can be my own person, independent, but cultivate their emotional attachment/dependence to me so that the choice of being with me is much greater than his reason for leaving me before. It is not game playing, it is done with respect, sitting down and thinking about what they want in life (not just in a partner) and working with that.

 

As Beec said above, it is about self sacrifice (yet keeping true to yourself). Patience is my ally right now, he will be back, but it will take a lot of patience - meaning when I feel frustrated (as you do right now) I have to meddle through that on my own (or around here!) without taking it out on my ex. Because when it comes down to it - he did not do anything WRONG, he acted on his feelings, as we (and you) act on yours. I have to respect that. But I know he will be back since I know from his view and my view what went wrong, what needs to change.

[iceesnowbubble]

I sent it either way.. and i don't care about winning him back..its not about that... so either way no matter what happens I am happier... I am no longer wishing to fix what what went wrong..its done with..thanks for the advice guys...

[iceesnowbubble]

....any other thoughts..?

[rich46]

I totally understand the people who want to try and win their ex back. My own view is that your ex will come back to you regardless of whether you seduced them, did NC, begged, ignored them...whatever. Again, in my situation I wasn't prepared to walk on eggshells or do any seducing techniques. The reason being I never did anything wrong. I am a patient man to some extent, but I am not prepared to do these things to try to get my ex back. If other people are willing to be patient and take the inevitably more heartbreak, then good luck to you. I really mean that.

 

Like I keep saying, I believe the easier and smoother path to recovery is by moving on. If my ex wants me back, she knows my number.

[RayKay]

I totally understand the people who want to try and win their ex back. My own view is that your ex will come back to you regardless of whether you seduced them, did NC, begged, ignored them...whatever. Again, in my situation I wasn't prepared to walk on eggshells or do any seducing techniques. The reason being I never did anything wrong. I am a patient man to some extent, but I am not prepared to do these things to try to get my ex back. If other people are willing to be patient and take the inevitably more heartbreak, then good luck to you. I really mean that.

 

Like I keep saying, I believe the easier and smoother path to recovery is by moving on. If my ex wants me back, she knows my number.

 

I did not do anything "wrong" - other than near the end when he was getting doubts be more clingy. So I need to work on that for myself. You don't need to do anything wrong in order to lead to a break up - that is the thing. Also, more heartbreak is not inevitable, unless you are setting yourself up for it. Positive attitudes attract positive situations.

 

Just because you are trying to reconcile does not mean you are not moving on.

 

And the ex won't come back to you if you do more to push them away in the meantime. Because those will be the memories of you, and give them more reason to stay away. On the other hand, if you build more positive memories, those can overcome the reasons for leaving (as they may hold negative ones to keep themselves away).

 

Just because I am trying to get back together with my ex does not mean I am not being true to who I am, and the person he fell for. It just means I am also working to also push him to overcome his fears/reasons for leaving. Just because you two are not bf/gf does not mean the relationship is not deserving of respect, patience, tolerance, compassion on BOTH sides. That means respecting their personhood - even if it cannot always include you.

[rich46]

RayKay, like I said, I can definitely see your point of view. And I would never tell anyone to act any other way than what their heart tells them to do.

 

I just don't believe that building "more positive memories" will make it any more likely that my ex will come back to me. I could have 6 more months of building these memories with my ex, which would be great for her but would kill me inside. Or I could have 6 more months of focusing on myself and rebuilding my life. I believe that both options = the same likelihood of my ex coming back to me. However, in my opinion, the latter will provide me with less heartbreak.

 

That is just based on my situation.

 

Just because you are trying to reconcile does not mean you are not moving on.

Again, I don't agree with this. You may tell yourself that you are moving on, but deep inside you aren't because you are still hoping for a reconciliation based on acting a certain way. It occupies so much of your thoughts, that I just don't believe that you can be moving on.

 

And the ex won't come back to you if you do more to push them away in the meantime.

I agree with this, and is the very reason why I chose not to stay "best friends" with my ex. I know for a fact that I'd get jealous, or clingy, or needy. Like you, that is what I did towards the end of the relationship when she became distant. I don't want that to drag on for months until she totally resents me. I love her so much that I don't believe I am strong enough to act cool around her, pretending to just be a friend. If others can then good luck to them.

 

That means respecting their personhood - even if it cannot always include you.

That is exactly why I am giving my ex this time to be single, to not have anyone to answer to, and this time and space (her words).

 

I'm not preaching, or trying to cause an argument with anyone. I'm just stating what I believe. Just like myjoy believes in a strategy to get back with your ex, I don't. It makes for an interesting debate and I enjoy reading the conflicting opinions!

 

Rich

[Beec]

I totally understand the people who want to try and win their ex back. My own view is that your ex will come back to you regardless of whether you seduced them, did NC, begged, ignored them...whatever. Again, in my situation I wasn't prepared to walk on eggshells or do any seducing techniques. The reason being I never did anything wrong. I am a patient man to some extent, but I am not prepared to do these things to try to get my ex back. If other people are willing to be patient and take the inevitably more heartbreak, then good luck to you. I really mean that.

 

Like I keep saying, I believe the easier and smoother path to recovery is by moving on. If my ex wants me back, she knows my number.

 

I don't know about your situation Rich, but if you did not do the things that you need to do in seduction, then you did not do what was needed to keep a partner/mate/significant-other/husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. We need our partners to meet certain needs in us. When they meet these needs, we keep them. If you don't meet their needs, then they go away. if you meet their needs in the wrong way, then you are not really meeting their needs.

 

If you want someone, you need to show them that you will meet their needs. The key to getting someone is how you make them feel. If you want them, then concentrate how making the feel the right ways. If you want to keep them, you still need to do this.

[RayKay]

I think it all depends on your definition of moving on.

 

To some it might mean "totally over the ex". To others it might mean "healed and with someone new". To someone else even it might mean "confident in the current relationship with ex, with positive view of future - you have moved on but know what you want". And that is where I am. I want to reconcile because I am in the place to know what I want (not out of neediness, or fear, or anything like that - just out of love and respect). It does not occupy so much of my thoughts - I am a busy person, but in the end, he IS the one my HEART returns to.

 

I never lost sight of MYSELF so I am doing fine with where I am. By being needy near end, it was not anything I did/did not do - I was not desperate and even he commented on this, but I can see how my talk of future stuff at the time made him feel confused. When we broke up, there was no begging or any of that, so I don't need to work on that in that sense. I am strong, confident in who I am as a person, I know there are others out there (I get enough advances to know this) - but I also value what my ex and I have and can have, and I know he does as well - it is HIM I want.

[rich46]

I don't know about your situation Rich, but if you did not do the things that you need to do in seduction, then you did not do what was needed to keep a partner/mate/significant-other/husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. We need our partners to meet certain needs in us. When they meet these needs, we keep them. If you don't meet their needs, then they go away. if you meet their needs in the wrong way, then you are not really meeting their needs.

 

If you want someone, you need to show them that you will meet their needs. The key to getting someone is how you make them feel. If you want them, then concentrate how making the feel the right ways. If you want to keep them, you still need to do this.

I partially agree. However, I want to be with someone who can just accept me for who I am, and I'll accept them for who they are. If she didn't feel "seduced" by me, then she can go and find someone who will "seduce" her! If I believe that I acted as well as I could do, then why should I change my behaviour to make her feel better?

 

What about my needs? My needs involve someone loving me and caring about me for who I am. It sounds like it is a one way problem here, and all the blame is on the person being dumped. That is why I have a problem with these strategies. Yes if you treated your ex poorly, try and get her back by showing that you have changed. If you didn't though and you truly believe that, then I am not willing to seduce her, chase her, beg her or anything.

[Beec]

If she was not meeting your needs, why were you with her in the first place?

 

If you really met her needs, she would not have left you. No one really getting their emotions fulfilled will leave.

 

You could be the nicest guy in the world, but if you are not going to meet your partner's needs, then why would they want to be with you. Being nice and decent is not the only thing. You are not talking about the person with who you work, to whom you act the best you can. This is someone you love or want to love, you need to treat them with love, and that means meeting their needs.

 

And if you could change to make them feel better, then you did not act as well as you could have, did you?

 

The simple fact is, many of us don't know how to love and demonstrate it. Exchange the word seduce for love in that sentence. Each requires the person to give the right dose of emotional fulfillment, not too little, not too much, while demanding the right amount too. Let's throw another curve ball in the game, and recognize that these amounts change over time. Love and seduction are really one and the same thing, except with real love the emotions are more mutual. If you did not seduce, then how did you show love?

[bexcelant]

You did it. Now you have nothing to be ashamed of. Like you, I just sent a letter. I went over our entire relationship from day one. Explained why I did what I did and accepted responsibility for what I did not do. Told her I loved her and explained that she ought to reconsider if she still has any feelings for me. I told her that I wanted clarification. Are we friends? Aquaintances, More than Friends or Maybe we should just move on with our separate lives. I'd leave it to her. But I expected her to be honest with me. Because that...at least was something. If she tells me no feelings or she's moving on. That's great!! I can also move on totally free. If she never answers that email, well I guess I'll have my answer too.

 

Told her to follow her heart and know in her spirit that she was doing the right thing. To be happy and secure in her decisions. Then I sent the letter and let it go. Now it's not on me anymore. It's on her.

 

BEX

 

PEACE IS WONDERFUL WHEN YOU HAVE IT

[Spirits Away]

good post, i'm just here to leave a mark for future reference

[Beec]

I will add that you do need to see that your needs are met, but you also must remember that love is a bargain, especially in the beginning. We are willing to give love, but only if the love we expect in return is worth as much. Later on, a relationship should become more self-sacrificing.

 

If you are getting dumped, look at how you did not meet their needs, because in some way, you did not.

 

When there needs are being met, then partners will go a long way to keeping what is meeting their needs, i.e. you. But how do you ge them to go, to meet those needs? First you give, then you withdraw and make then give back.