The ultimate why question

[solstice48]

Why do we want them back. After all the heartbreak & all the grief why is it so difficult to let go of the hope you have of them returning. We certainly must know our relationship will not be the same and how hard will it be to live with the knowledge that if they left once what would stop them again. Then the heartbreak starts again. It seems to me that most of the people that get left behind are the ones who put the most into trying to find out why the relationship went south. So are not these the better people who look inside themselves & if they find shortcomings are willing to change for the better? Why do we want to go back to someone who has hurt us (probably more than once) by taking their love away?

[john one]

Why do we want our loved ones back no matter what? In my opinion - Because we put so much time, effort, and energy into the relationship and don't want to accept that it wasn't enough to make things work. Because we became too comfortable with having a companion and forgot what it was like to really be alone (which we are forced to be now), which is frightening. Because we see a lot of work ahead of us in terms of healing, understanding, moving on, and starting the whole love process all over, which isn't the most welcoming sight (like a pile of backed-up work you see sitting on the desk). Because we feel that we DESERVE to get what we really worked for -our chosen mate. Because we are left with a huge emptiness caused by our companion leaving and want so bad to feel whole and complete again. Because we had dreams that we don't want to see go up in flames. Because we don't like giving up. All this and more....

[cs20thcenturyfox]

Well said john one . I unfortunately know how you feel solstice48

[paul475]

...so be prepared to not understand what I'm saying, but you will most likely be intrigued. It's often the answers that come from "left field" that end up being true.

 

We want them back because, ultimately, we are all ONE. We share the same inner-core being that animates all of us, that same sense of beingness that lies beneath the trappings of personality. We are joyous when we couple with another and each of us becomes aware, at the same time, that we are in that same state of being. We are in the depths of despair when we feel separated from this state of being.

 

When we are uncoupling, we return to a state of confusion where we see two things happening that contradict one another. On the one hand, we have experienced a strong and very attractive sense of unity on multiple levels. On the other, it is painfully clear that we are not at-one with the special person whom we identified with that sense of unity. The dissonance between these two experiences is what generates so much of the agony of breaking up.

 

But in the reconciliation of these two opposing experiential facts, a great deal of truth about who and what we are as human beings comes to light. And it is the gift of all break ups that we keep getting but refuse to receive.

 

Once we receive it -- and only once -- we'll never have to experience that same agony of breaking up that we once did. In fact, we may only attract partners who genuinely want to share their lives with us as a result of waking up to this resolution and revelation of identity.

 

None of this position, of course, even came anywhere near my mind when I was breaking up with a partner. I was befuddled and disillusioned. I was sad and in terrible pain.

 

But once I crossed the threshold of the reality that we are not our personalities, we simply wish to be attached to them ABOVE being attached to any one or any thing else, that I realized the freedom to love another person is the greatest freedom we ever experience as human beings.

[Andre]

Every human being has a deep desire to be loved. From birth to death, we live our lives constantly trying to fulfill that desire. When we find a partner who genuinely fulfills that desire our lives feel more complete and we feel truly blessed.

 

Over time, as we become more involved and our love grows, we become more dependent on our partner for love. Then as that dependency grows, we become attached and our general desire to be loved transforms into a desire to be loved by our partner. Our partner's love takes on a special meaning to us. No other love feels as fulfilling.

 

And that is why letting go is so hard to do. Because of our attachment, we feel our partner is the only one who can fulfill our need for love. So when our partner is removed from our lives we feel devastated and hopeless. Without our partner's love we feel we will never be happy and our life will have no meaning. That is why we sometimes cling to someone in spite of all the pain. We are afraid we won't find love again.

 

Fortunately, usually time breaks that attachment/dependency and gives us back our original desire for love. We then realize that there are plenty of people who are capable of fulfilling that desire and we are able to move on.

 

Lesson learned?

 

Love has no boundaries. It can be found everywhere.

 

Ps: This concept of attachment is described in the book "Mars and Venue Starting Over" by John Gray. Highly recommended.

[solstice48]

I can understand & appreciate everything thats been previously said. But I'm wondering if there's two opposing items here. The heart wanting what's missing along with all the other things mentioned and the brain letting you know about reality. Is there a time when the brain finially gets the upper hand & the heart accepts? Is this part of the healing process?

[solstice48]

Does the time come when the brain over rules the heart & makes it look at a relationship objectively & instead of always looking over the best parts looks at the shortcomings as well? Does it finially tell the heart that its pointless to keep any kind of hope alive that anything can be saved? If so the heart must be a stong character or the mind to eventually win out. I think my mind looks back & can see toubles in my relationship but my heart says there was nothing there that could not be repaired. Then the mind slips in & says yeah but it takes the commitment & desire of two people to make the changes to get it to work. With all the hurt, grief & sorrow theres's confusion as well. What next? AAARGH!

[Andre]

In the book I mentioned, the author dedicates a chapter to 'Emotional Lag Time'. He claims that long before the heart is ready to let go, the mind wants to move on. However, this speedy thinking is not how the heart heals. The heart moves slowly and takes longer to adjust. Also, the heart does not let go in one step. It moves in waves and sometimes you feel up and sometimes you feel down. Almost as if you are taking three steps forward and two steps back.

 

So yes, there are two opposing forces at play during a breakup, each intrinsically different than the other. Here's a beautiful quote that explains it all:

 

"Don't try to reason with your heart

or feel with your mind

for just as the heart knows no logic

the mind can't lead you to your soul"

 

The remedy is not to fight the contradicting forces but to accept it and be patient. With time, each will see the truth in its own light.

[tiliquagirl]

... because we love them and it hurts to be without someone we love!

[finbxl]

Thank god! I just came on this site for the first time and your replies and original post really helped. Why indeed do we still miss our exes when they obviously weren't right for us any more - or else they'd still be with us??

 

I think it's also a habit forming thing. We get used to being with someone, and sharing things with them, often banal things, like what their favorite toothpaste is. Then suddenly, you're left with all this information that is no longer useful or relevant, but it still stabs you in the gut when you see the toothpaste sitting innocently on the shelf in the supermarket!

 

When my 9 year relationship ended in January, I didn't know what to do. My ex told me he was leaving me because he just didn't love me anymore, swearing there was no one else. And then I obviously found out there was someone else, a nasty version of me. And then I found out about the affair he had while we were going out...

 

I actually moved not only out of my flat, not only out of the town, but to a new country to preserve my sanity. And there I was tonight listening to his favourite radio programme over the Internet thinking 'oh my God, we'll never listen to that programme again in bed before kissing each other goodnight and cuddling up'. And that really hurt.

 

Another message said that we fear being on our own again. It's totally true. In my case, it's even harder since for the first 7 years of our thing, we were long distance, so it was phone calls daily. I cannot tell you how hard it is not to dial that number. Asking your flatmates to hide your cellphone is a good way round it.

 

Yuck, breakups really are the worst.

 

Anyway, thank you for your messages. They really are worth their weight in gold.

 

Fin