Question of trust...

[peanut15]

For those that have cheated on their partner and are trying to remain in the relationship, what makes you remain the relationship if your partner does not trust you? This is assuming that you are no longer involved in the affair.

 

Also for those that have been cheated on, why remain in the relationship if you have issues trusting your partner. This is assuming that you believe trust to be a major factor in your relationship.

[tiger_lilies]

I've been cheated on and it was the most excruciating pain I've ever endured. I choose to stay with my ex for three months after the incident, only because I still loved him and wanted to forgive him. He showed so much remorse and was truly trying his best to make "us" work. Out of love for him, I stayed. When you love someone, you want to forgive them. That is the reason I stayed.

 

However, it obviously ended because there was no trust left. I found myself having daily panic attacks, horrible mood swings and of course, I no longer trusted my ex at all. The relationship was not getting better, it got worse and made me realize that he and I are now over.

[mscolly]

Why stay in a relationship if you've been cheated on and there remain questions of trust? Because there's love, because there's understanding, because we're all human, weak and vulnerable, in different ways. Lack of trust hurts powerfully, but love can be stronger.

[goinutz]

I am new to this group an am very glad to find a forum such as this. Sometimes I really need to talk to others who have experienced the same things as I. To answer your question; I have been cheated on. It was and is the hardest and most painful experience I have ever known. I chose to stay. Originally, I stayed because I believed it was not as serious as it really was. Later, I gave my husband an ultimatum (several actually). He tries very, very hard to "make things right". However, I still suffer (and I use this term in the strongest sense) from distrust, jealousy, insecurity, lack of self confidence, and have basically become distrustful of everyone. I am constantly fearful this will occur again. Sometimes I wished I had left because I believe I would be less of an emotional wreck by now (this began over a year ago). Yet, I still love him very much. He is the first and only man I have ever truly been "in love" with. He was my best friend. I trusted him completely (boy, was I a fool). Most of the time I dislike myself more than him. But back to your question. I stay because I still love him very much and I keep hoping that one day I will feel good about myself and my marriage again.

[Brandidoll]

Goin'utz -

 

You have explained the pain I go through every day so well. I have been on this roller coaster of jealousy and distrust for almost 2 years now, since I found out my wonderful boyfriend who would never ever hurt me did just that.

But...have any of you had any luck rebuilding the trust? I want to so badly! I don't want to lose the man I love, even if he did screw up. The constant distrust drives me insane though, and it puts a heavy burden on our relationship, that he and I have spent time trying making better.

 

So, I've stayed with my boyfriend because I love him, and because he and I have made many sacrifices for each other, and because I feel part of my vow of love for him is to hold on when things are most grim. But how to trust again....your guess is as good as mine, I still can't trust him at all.

[crazy2004]

Well... 15 years married and madly in love still with my wife I must say that any man if he got the chance of some other woman that fancies him he would go for it. I don't want to destroy your relationship or anything like this but I can not believe for a minute than any man on this planet if he got a woman that he fancied and she fancied him he would not go for it.

 

I cheated on my wife several times purely to do what I man does. Sex and nothing more. My wife did not know anything about my several cheating affairs but life has a funny way of paying you back because I just found out that she cheated on me for two months for emotional (as she calls it) reason.

 

The funny thing is that we still have passionate sex and tell each other that we are in love. I am confused as you are but I believe (even if my wife has cheated on me) that men are less trustworthy than women.

 

I am still hurting by the way.

[dewonarose]

What do I do? Why was it done? I just don't understand, yet I understand that this pain is more than I can bear, surviving cancer and losing both my breasts at 39 was easier than this. I just can't understand. He was my husband, my hero, my knight. He is a liar, a cheater, an enemy, a fake. He gave me just enough to hold on while I fight this second round, he lays in wait for the insurance policy to pay at my grave. I caught him and her before this fateful day, I won....I lost...I have no will....I'm tired...No fight... I just don't understand. I am the beaver cleaver wife, we're a family it's my job to keep it together, here comes another lie...the truth is so much easier. Give me the truth I will help you through it, I am your wife. You killed me with your lies, cancer is my hero, my knight, my freedom. I just can't understand.

[TechResQ]

OMG dewonarose, your post literally made me cry. I can feel the pain and anguish you are suffering. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I really don't know what else to say, other than I am sorry for you.

 

I know how bad you are hurting right now, from experiencing the pain first hand. You might not want to hear this, but it will get better, as difficult as that is to comprehend at this point, it will.

 

So keep coming to eNotAlone and spill your heart out. Write down your thoughts and fears, vent, get angry, let it all out. We'll try to help in any way we can.

 

I do hope you can seek counseling for yourself, it really, really does help...

 

Again, I am so sorry he is putting you through this hell, you truly sound like a good person and certainly undeserving of the disrespect he is showing you.

 

God Bless.

[Johnathan]

For those that have cheated on their partner and are trying to remain in the relationship, what makes you remain the relationship if your partner does not trust you? This is assuming that you are no longer involved in the affair.

 

Also for those that have been cheated on, why remain in the relationship if you have issues trusting your partner. This is assuming that you believe trust to be a major factor in your relationship.

 

weakness, codependency, and infatuation. The girl who is currently turning me down has cheated on her doormat BF with 3 guys now (i'm the 3rd guy) and he won't leave her and she won't leave him. It's ****ing bull****.

[bluerose231]

Well in my case I don't know if my husband had a physical affair or not (i'm pretty sure he did), but I know he was at least having an emotional affair and I am still devastated to find this out and think about it every single day.

 

For me I stay because we have 4 young children between the two of us. I've been through a divorce before and I'm not ready to go through it again at this point (or put our children through a divorce). Financially I can't really afford to leave him. Plus i'll admit.....I really do love him and I guess there is still a naive part of me that thinks he will change and be faithful (although based on his track record that's probably not likely). Maybe i'm just weak, maybe I just like to keep torturing myself...I don't really know why I stay in these types of relationships. I seem to be drawn to cheaters (my ex husband was a serial cheater). It's difficult to leave when there are young children involved. If we didn't have kids I think I would've been out that door long ago (at least that's what I tell myself).

[TechResQ]

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed how old the original post actually is...(4 years old)

 

But our new member, dewonarose, who posted her response today, could use some encouraging words and advice. She is obviously in a lot of pain...

[mrmaximum]

And to this day I still wonder why my father cheated on my mother and my ex cheated on me. They said their 'I love you's" so why do this? Those are the questions we are left with after the fact as we try to put the pieces back together. I'm very sorry that this was put upon you and that someone who you figured was your rock turned out to be such a disappointment. There are some things that we will never understand, and maybe, it's simply better that way. If you need somewhere to vent or an ear, we're here for you, just a click away, yeah?

[dewonarose]

Thank you so very much for your kind words, I happened on this site in hopes that I may find some strength in a strangers word. Your silent hand has reached accross states and for this I am grateful.

[ERNAZ7]

My wife very recently confessed to kissing another guy, just to "see" it enticed her that this "hot" guy would want her. Well he did, They had one make out session where there was two "short" and one "long tongue" kiss. I was devastated because we would always say we had something special that no one else had. She did admit that through the whole thing she could only think of me and that was ultimately what made her stop. She said a voice in her head screamed 'you're cheating'. I asked her what did she want from the situation and she was honest enough to say that she really only wanted to be liked, but the prospect of someone else wanting her was exciting. That hurt. It hurt the second I asked her if he put his tongue in her mouth and she said yes. She then said that she learned the hard way that she doesn't want anyone else and that she is horrified that she hurt me, or that she could do that. Well, I forgave her and today she goes back to work for the first time and may run into the "guy". I'm very anxious and scared but I really love my wife and am willing to heal for her sake. So that is why I am here, to learn what forgiveness is and how to trust again.

[Mr. Brightside]

Why do people who cheat stay? The emotional ride is going so fast it feels like if you were to jump off, you would die. Seriously. When I was cheated on, my whole world blew up. It is kind of like a mental basic training. I was completely broken down. All my beliefs in humanity, religion, politics, etc had to be redeveloped and my life carefully placed back together without the unfit puzzle pieces.

 

I've worked in various law enforcement positions (still do in fact) and have seen the nicest folks do the most nefarious of deeds. In a way, the whole experience (along with my work experience) opened my eyes from the ignorant and naive world I was taught to believe in.

 

Could it be...? The excitement of loss that you "could" experience should you do one little thing wrong... then they go back to the other guy/woman? The thought that "we can build back up what we've lost?" Could it be as simple as a gambling addiction with sex, text messaging, e-mails and secret meetings as the "poker chips?"

 

What a dangerous game of life we play. Trust your instincts, NOT your imagination (and learn the distinction well). Take care of yourself and subscribe to the religion of "enjoying life."

[eXoticbombon]

weakness, codependency, and infatuation. The girl who is currently turning me down has cheated on her doormat BF with 3 guys now (i'm the 3rd guy) and he won't leave her and she won't leave him. It's ****ing bull****.

totally agree.

[TechResQ]

Well stated!

[loulee]

I am going thorugh asimilar thing..the panic attacks mood swings.. im turning into a monster I dont even like me much at the moment. My partner is about to pack his bags because he lied and betrayed me and I wont settle for less than the whole story.Whereas he thinks one sentence about it is enough....i Dont want further doubts in the future I want to move forward but how can you when he is so arrogant about my emotional needs purely selfish...funny thing is he is so generous in every other way but I so need him to step up this time.. Its so sad hes the love of my life and as I write this my realtionship is all but over.. the pain is so immense..but Im trying to refocus my negative energy into positive. I am not to blame and at least i take comfort in knowing i have no guilt....Im looking in my mirror proudly and know one day after this pain I will be that wonderful loving strong girl again Im 43 and still growing.. Keep your faith

[dewonarose]

Hello all, Been awhile since I have been on, fighting this cancer thing has me tied up a bit. Things are still the same with the exception of moving through the emotional pain, there is a light..... I can see it, just want to get there. I pray that should I ever love again I never have to go through this cheating thing again, I would rather be shot, Can you ever trust again?

[Frenchie23]

Why stay in a relationship if you've been cheated on and there remain questions of trust? Because there's love, because there's understanding, because we're all human, weak and vulnerable, in different ways. Lack of trust hurts powerfully, but love can be stronger.

Very good reply. Can't say it better myself.

[TechResQ]

Hi dew,

 

Glad you came back with an update. Your question about being able to trust again is a common one. I wondered about that myself, after my heart was crushed.

 

Good news...YES, you can and YES, you will. You will find someone who treats you with the respect and love that you deserve. He's out there, just go and find him. NEVER settle for less than you deserve. You will probably be gun-shy at first, but that's OK, you are just protecting your heart. Any guy who is worth his salt is going to be patient and kind and understanding. If you meet a guy who doesn't have those qualities, "Run Forest Run"!

 

Keep fighting the cancer, stay strong.

 

I wish you peace.

 

God Bless.