Why is she making me choose between her and my boyfriend?

[hippychick11]

I'm 25 years old, live at home and recently met my new boyfriend when I went overseas. My mother has been extremely unsupportive of my relationship and we end up fighting about it almost every night, i start yelling and getting really emotional because she's constantly threatening to contact him and tell him who i 'really am', that i'm not good enough for anyone and have financial problems (i have a personal loan which is not a problem and im paying it off). She keeps saying he has a right to know.

 

She keeps making 'subtle' comments about marriage and how my other sister wouldn't be stupid enough to do things like that and that men are too much trouble etc. I'm So tired of it all and I can't wait to move out.

 

I do love my mom and my family and i still want them in my life but she's basically saying that its them or my boyfriend, i know she'd be perfectly happy if i were to break up with him. I love my boyfriend and i've actually known him for many years.

 

What should i do?

[gingerlemon]

Is there any chance of you moving out soon and getting a place of your own?

 

I was also once put in a situation where I was asked to make that choice. She got over it, though, and likes him today. A major difference was that I was not dependent on her in any way, so therefore in a different position than you are.

[DylanNotorious]

Keep your boyfriend and distance yourself from your mother.

 

You mother has issues and she needs to sort them out.

[_Asti_]

Are your parents still together? What is their relationship like?

[agent1607307371]

I think you need to get some distance from your Mum also.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds like a really desperate effort on your mum's part not to let go of you; however, it is not your job in life to remain forever attached to your mother. Rather, your task is to make your own way in the world independently of her, stand on your own two feet and then view her as a fellow adult. Her task, having raised you to the best of her ability, is to let you go and become an adult in your own right.

 

She is obviously not going to do this on her own, therefore the 'cutting of the umbilical cord' needs to come from you.

 

Tell her that your boyfriend is already perfectly aware of what your situation is. Tell her that your boyfriend knows perfectly well what you are like, and that is why he has chosen you even though it would be more convenient to have someone close at hand. Tell her that you will make up your own mind about the issue of marriage, which may well be a lot further down the line, and you will know what to do when the time is right.

 

That's just to state what your own position is.

 

However, it may help to realise that although she's your mum, her actions are more those of a frightened child who is scared of losing the most important thing in her life - you. It may help to reassure her that whatever you decide to do, whether you move out, get married, go overseas - whatever - you still love her, she's still your mum and you won't be losing touch with her. The things she's telling you about your sister roughly translate into "You're not doing what I want you to do", but you knew that anyway.

 

I am not suggesting for a moment that you let her control your life and your chance of happiness. You need to make your own way, have your own successes and make your own mistakes. As DylanNotorious says, your mother has issues and she needs to sort them out; refusing to bend to her demands will not only benefit you, but, in the long run - her also.

[banal]

Your mother is abusive and controlling. Do whatever you can to get away from her.

[Stay_home]

I think you should move out.

[xiRoCb294]

Yes I agree, I think maybe you should move out... and then she can see that you are a grown woman who is independent enough to make your own decisions.

[hippychick11]

She's a really good mom, has always been there for us and does care about us a lot. My dad left us when I was 7 for a much younger woman and is a really selfish man who has never had much to do with his family at all so I guess that's why she's cynical about my relationship with my boyfriend and men in general.

I really want to move out and experience life on my own but it's weird because I feel like I don't even know how to go about it! like I was never equipped with this knowlegde, I've always felt like my whole life would be my family, that we would always stay together.

I know I'm capable of being on my own, infact I KNOW it would make me really happy because I recently came back from a month overseas on my own, no family, friends - nothing, i went by myself and had the best time. I felt this incredible sense of freedom and independence, I was so sad about coming back.

I'm not living to my full potential here, I know it and I would really like to move overseas for a year or so but I know once I tell my mother this that she will freak out and get really mad.

I want to still have a relationship with my mom and my family but I feel like I'm risking that if I were to move out and do my own thing, what if I do fail miserably and need to come back home? I don't know what to do

[banal]

I want to still have a relationship with my mom and my family but I feel like I'm risking that if I were to move out and do my own thing, what if I do fail miserably and need to come back home? I don't know what to do

 

Look at it this way. I know you love your mom, because she's your mom, but if she's the type of woman who'll ban you from her home for MOVING OUT AS AN ADULT then, trust me, you don't want her in your life.

 

It's natural for you to move out and it's high time you did it. My mom was very attached to me, too, and when I finally moved out after college she was upset but didn't try and control me. She knew it was for the best.