Long Distance Breakup...I think

[alis]

I have been together with my boyfriend for over a year now. This is our first real relationship. For the first 7 months of the relationship, we lived near eachother and saw eachother several times a week when my school and his work would permit. Last fall, he moved 2000 miles away because of his job in order for him to have a better opportunity and a career. I accepted his decision and we had planned to stay together and fly to see eachother every 1-2 months. After I graduated college this May, we had planned to move near eachother so we could see eachother more.

 

Many months later, things have obviously changed. I took my insecurities out on him, he developed a few bad habits, and we argued a lot over the phone. He had changed, and he devoted more and more time to his work (12 hours a day). I drove him away with nagging and he said he no longer enjoyed calling me.

 

A couple weeks ago, we had an argument and out of anger I said we should break up. He agreed and all communication stopped until 5 days later when I called him to see if we could sort things out and he answered with a very distant voice like I was an aquaintance. This made me extremely depressed, because I couldn't fathom him not acknowledging what we were up to 5 days before that. I asked him if he still loved me and if he wanted to work things out and that things would be much better if we lived near eachother again. He said he needed to think about it and hasn't called me yet.

 

Even if he does call me and says he wants to work things out, I still have doubts and this is why: I did everything I could think of to please him and found out what made him happy (except for my insecurities). And for him to want to do things for me was like a chore to him. Even in the beginning of our relationship, he didn't really try to go out of his way to do anything even though I sometimes gave him hints or flat out told him what made me happy. It seems that he doesn't enjoy doing things for those people that are dearest to him.

 

I am trying to move on ahead with my life, but the memories and thoughts of "what if?" keep me preoccupied.

 

Advice?

[paul475]

...give yourself two seconds before you say to yourself, "cancel." Be vigilant in this. Stay busy and focused on helping others. It will get better each day.

 

Above all, don't entertain male attention while you are going through this process. You are attracting, and will attract, men who feel on the inside the same way that you do. The difference is, you can move through this and the man may well stay stuck in it.

 

It generally took me about 1 week for every month of intimate contact to gain a foothold on some sanity. Until then, all I attracted were women who were angry and hurt -- and sought to do more of the same to others, whether they realized it, or not.

 

Good luck to you...Spirit blessings....

[Nescafe]

Your story sounds very similar to mine, in that I also developed a lot of insecurities about my ex but was hurt by the fact that she never tried to make an effort to want to travel to see me or do even the smallest things to make me happy. In fact, that lack of effort on her part was what really bothered me the most - not even bothering to e-mail or message me when I would do it constantly for her.

I noticed you said "took out your insecurities" on him. Does this mean you immediately started to argue about your worries with him? If so, was this fair to him? I was always conscious about getting into arguments about insecurities because I'm sure they almost always proved unfounded. Or did you try to calmly discuss your concerns with him? Is he the type of person who is willing to listen and make efforts to address them? If so, a frank, calm discussion between the two of you about insecurities would be good.

Your comments about him not doing things for you really hits home. I would never say a person can't change his or her behaviour and become learned in sensitivities but I would say the person probably won't change their behaviour despite all your best wishes. You either instinctively recognize the signals or you don't. I don't know if you've talked with him about it - if not you should. Give him a chance to change - he might if he cares enough about you. Do the two of you communicate well?

My final bit of advice would be this - actions speak louder than words.

[chocos]

hmmmm.. this really sounds like me... and i thought i was the only one out here... he was also fed up when i took my insecurities out on him and he said he needed some space.

 

i do agree that actions speak louder than words, but he is really bad at this. He doesn't listen to what i say and i kept telling him not to say "sorry" because actions speak louder than words.

 

And now he says that i meant that i was never happy with whatever he is doing. or whatever he has done for me because he says that it is never enough...

 

We have not spoken for 4 days and i miss him alot.... but he told me he was confused, needed a time out and would talk about it again in 2 weeks