Whats the deal. Am I being played again?

[Tolly]

I'll try to keep this brief coz I know long stories are hard work.

 

My ex and I split up about a year and a half ago and she went off with someone else in town. I was very distressed about it all (Prozac, councelling etc..). I was played as a reserve for a while until she was sure it was going to work with the new guy.

 

Have spent the last 6 months ignoring each other. i.e. pass in the street and not look at each other etc. My choice as I was unable to let go.

 

A couple of weeks ago decided that I needed to really try and put this behind me and that I would face my demons by attending dog training with my new dog. I know she still goes with our old dog and I stopped a year ago as seeing her was doing my head in.

 

1st visit as I left she arrived. She said 'Hello, alright?' and I said 'alright' back and it felt good, it didnt bother me. It was strange tho as we havent spoken up to that point.

 

2nd time she asked how my dog was getting along and I said fine and that was that.

 

Last time. She comes over and sits down next to me and askes about work and asks about the dog etc. Then say 'I was reading the letters you sent me the other day, and they made me smile'. (These are the love letters I wrote her afters we broke up and she was with new guy). 'I would really like to be friends..etc'. 'I know last year was horrible for BOTH of us...etc'.

 

We whats going on here? No need to mention those painful letters was there? No need to be talking at all really as she clearly only wants to be friends on her terms...not in public, but when he's around, not when his mates are about...

 

Is she just missing having the extra attention?

[i_hate_the_world47]

Well,it looks like she truly wants to be your friend.So give it a try.

 

~Meagan~

[Tolly]

So why bring up the love letters. And its friendship offered on a limited basis i.e. only when she feels like it. I cant see much of an incentive for me.

[Cecelius]

I can see why you'd be irritated with her bahavior, but frankly all she did was show you she wasn't really trustworthy.

 

Why have a friends like that? I say ignore her, find a different dog school and a different girl.

[stolenshadow]

Hi Tolly, Maybe she felt it would make you feel better to know she keeps your letters and let you know she actually enjoys reading them?, Like she wants you to know her image of you is good and everything is ok?.

 

I don't know, maybe she felt you hated her for what she did.

 

I think she wants to be your friend, I wouldn't do it just yet if I were you, I think you had a terrible time with it and if she starts telling you about her new happy life it's going to be difficult.

 

Just my opinion. Good luck.

[Tolly]

What she means is she'd like it if we were friendly. But thats very different to being friends. I do hate her for what she did, it still eats me up 18 months down the line.

 

As for the letters. Well, something that I did during a period of immence pain (which she must know) 'makes her smile'!! SL*G!! Thats such a patronising thing to say. She could just have said 'can we be friends' without bring those into it. As for keeping them...the rest of my stuff appeared on ebay quick enough. How kind of her to keep them. Im so lucky.

 

Lastly, its a small town, I already know all about their new life. Thats just something I have to live with.

[stolenshadow]

Oh my, that's all so terrible. She just wants the good bits, for you to not hate her, for you to say "hi", you not ignoring her, etc. She might feel very guilty and unfortunately with good reason.

 

I know "smile" is not the right way to express what a person feels for a deep letter, but I thought she might have no idea of what to say, like she said it out of a blank mind more than out of wanting to hurt you.

 

I can't suggest you to hurt her or keep on hating her, try to forgive her but don't ever say "hi" to her again, just don't answer back, don't stop going places you like only to avoid her, just pretend she's invisible and be as cold as you can to her if she approaches you again.

 

Inside yourself try to heal, outside let her know who you are, you decide who you want to be friendly with, let her know she's not in your list and doesn't deserves to be.

[Tolly]

Iv already done the ignoring etc thing. The whole point of this was to face the demons and move on. I could deal with 'hello' and 'morning' etc, but patronising converstaions about my personal sh*t...well that undid a load of good work on my part.

 

Another reason to appear again was to show her I dont care any more and have moved on. If I go back to ignoring, then all I do is show her I DO still care and she does still affect me. She wins again!

 

It has been suggested that they have been together for over a year now, perhaps some of that magic has died in their relationship and she actually quite enjoyed having me doting after her and might be trying to play me again.

 

I dont know what to do. Just have to play the next few weeks by ear.

[stolenshadow]

Ignoring doesn't necessarily means you still care, it just means that you don't want to talk to her, for whatever reason.

 

Take away her right to go and talk to you about whatever she feels like talking, let her know (by being cold) that you're not interested in getting your personal things brought up as if she was talking about the weather.

 

She doesn't win if you ignore her, to talk or not is your right. She might get the message and stop showing up at the place where you both train the dogs and stuff like that.

 

I know you're in a difficult situation because if you ask for your space you might come accross as still struggling, and I don't know if she has always been so insensitive or what her real intentions are, it just seems like she does wants to mess you up for fun, she still doesn't gets it that it wasn't funny what she did or that the things she says actually hurt, that's why I say ignore her, I think it would be easier to deal with her that way, face her, challenge her, she has to know you won't keep running away but you want nothing to do with her.

[Day_Walker]

Think of the situation from her perspective, Of course you would want to keep a person around that has proclaimed how much they love you. It doesnt her hurt her to be your friend but it can hurt you. It benefits her to keep you around because she knows how much you care for her. You probably wont even notice but you will be giving her the same kind of attention a bf would but she only has to be ur friend. If you want the short and simple answer then dont be friends with her (you can say "we" can be friends and just never contact her). Do what is healthy for you, think of yourself first and you will be fine.

[Celadon]

I'm kinda with Day Walker. Say to your ex, Sure we can be friends. Then let her do all the work.

 

She doesn't have to have the upper hand in the friendship. After all the sh*t she's pulled, I hope you're not still attracted to her.

 

If that's what she's after (someone to adore her), she's got another thing coming. This is an opportunity for you to modulate your reaction to her -- to one of ambivalence. You're not in love with her (how could you be, after all that cr*p?) and you don't hate her (that'd be too much work on your part, and she's not worth it). Mostly, you don't care.

 

Keep your hands on the reins, put up appropriate boundaries (don't do any date-y things), and you can be okay.

[Tolly]

Basically I feel as if I wast her to come unstuck in some way. I need her to fail, her new relationship to fail, loose her job, die in a car crash. Anything. Its like an itch I cant scratch and it wastes far too much of my time.

 

This is another reason why I resent her. I'm wasting my life away on it. If I had a pound for every moment I thought about it...Id hire an assassin. Its almost like I cant remember a time before, the anger and bitterness is now a part of my life.

[stolenshadow]

And that's exactly why you should stop putting time and thoughts into it, stop trying, stop thinking, stop wondering, planning, just ignore her.

 

As for the anger, you need to pull it out, you don't want it to grow into a strange disease in a few years. I read somewhere about what to do if you feel like killing your ex (not literally I know), take some time every day to sit down, relax, close your eyes and picture it, picture her failing, dying, the other bloke getting hurt, just do it, don't be afraid to see the gory details, imagine the whole thing, it would take the power off of it and if you believe in God you can just ask for an apology afterwards.

 

Face the demons, work with that all you need to, once you are free look for yourself back, without the bad feelings.

You're better off without her (she sold your stuff on ebay, what tha!?), start from there, a good thing, any thing, somewhere, anywhere, seeing she's not very nice or clever could be a good start.

[Celadon]

Basically I feel as if I wast her to come unstuck in some way. I need her to fail, her new relationship to fail, loose her job, die in a car crash. Anything. Its like an itch I cant scratch and it wastes far too much of my time.

 

This is another reason why I resent her. I'm wasting my life away on it. If I had a pound for every moment I thought about it...Id hire an assassin. Its almost like I cant remember a time before, the anger and bitterness is now a part of my life.

 

Yeah, Tolly, I know what you mean. Why does your ex get to have the romantic relationship and the self-confidence, etc., while you stew in your anger over what she's done? IT's not fair!!!!

 

I've felt the same way, and still sometimes struggle with it. Let me tell you what I've realized -- being angry and bitter is a pointless place to be. It just immobilizes a person (which you realize) and allows them to wallow in the sense of victimization.

 

The best thing to do is to run away from the that state of being/feeling. Start seeing anger and bitterness as your enemy, not your ex. Because anger IS the enemy of your happiness.

 

I'm convinced you absolutely have the right to be infuriated and to feel betrayed. But after that, where do you go with your life?

 

It's a real hard thing not to compare one's life to one's ex's. I do it too, and he's a tough guy to compete with. So I try not to. I can't and won't have any part of wishing revenge on him. I believe he will get what he deserves eventually. I may never see it, but I have faith that things will happen to him that will even the score.

 

I hope you start of feel better soon, Tolly.

[Tolly]

Annoyingly I know this. I just can't seem to find away to move on completely and leave it anger behind. It's so infuriating.

[Celadon]

Annoyingly I know this. I just can't seem to find away to move on completely and leave it anger behind. It's so infuriating.

 

Understood. Some of us have a tougher time coming back to equilibrium after a break up than others (me included).

 

I'll pass along the advice I've received: When you start thinking about it, go workout, or meditate, or call a friend, or write in a journal, or pray if you're religious. Start developing a new habit to counteract the habit of dwelling on your anger. Peace.

[Tolly]

Thanks. Will try all that again. unfortunately it has now started to affect my current relationship.

[Tolly]

Oh...theres something else that annoys the hell out of me. I have been so clearly lied to by her. For a long time I would text her and keep in contact and she would reply. But she would never initiate contact. I would always have to text her first. The reason, she told me, was that her phone isnt working properly, she's unable to send me a text, when she trys, it fails. Fortunatly she is able to reply to a text I send her...phew, how fortunate.

 

I bought that line for months and I feel so stupid. What shes actually saying is 'I no longer have your number on my phone'.

 

So she lies to me, I dont believe a word she says to me now and thats really starnge bearing in mind how much I trusted her once. This is why I feel as though this 'surprise' attempt at being friendly make me feel like Im being played again.

[Celadon]

Yeah, that really bites, Tolly. It's a strain NOT to be able to trust someone. In fact, it's too darn complicated - that's why I don't want to have much to do with people I don't trust.

 

People are not all black or white in their actions, though. I distinctly remember some times my ex behaved badly, but I have to admit there were times he did try. So, go figure.

 

If there's any consolation, there comes a time when you really do start believing that the other person is getting what they deserve. You don't have to 'worry' about that happening or wish for it to happen. People's behavior tends to bring them the same in return.