Can't Help But Feel I Messed Up

[misestopieces]

I told my story months ago and I'm still feeling like I messed up.

 

Someone contacted me online via a dating and she was too good to be true. She even said the same about me.

 

I followed the generic advice about online dating and asked for a meeting after just a few days of constant emailing, texting and phoning. The rule is if they don't want to meet right away, then they're not serious, right?

 

But she lived 8 hours away by car, or a short plane ride. So meeting was a big step for her. She acted very differently after I asked (and she declined) and I took it to mean that she just wanted a pen pal and was never serious about dating me.

 

But maybe I just jumped the gun and scared her off.

 

Or maybe I did the right thing in wanting to plan to meet.

 

She tried to contact me with casual texts a few times after our last conversation and even tried to re-friend me on FB, but I ignored her. Can't help but feel I should have handled it differently and given her time to get to know me. The circumstances seemed to warrant it.

 

Or maybe the blanket advice of "if they don't want to meet within two weeks, they're not serious" always applies...? I just want some closure on this. I've had other promising online meetings fall through, but this lady really did feel ideal for me.

[Pebble]

The way I see it, if she wanted to get to know you better [longer] before meeting you, she should have said just that and suggested to you to give it more time. What that says to you is "I like talking to you and would like to meet up, just not yet. Can we give it some more time?" But to start acting differently and decline a meeting? That's not right.

 

Advice about online date it just that. Advice. It's generic and does not work for everyone. They could be very serious and want to meet but circumstances may not allow it, or they're scared etc. I started chatting with this guy online, we hit it off and met up twelve days later. We dated for six months. He lived only 50 miles from me and worked close to where I lived so it was a lot easier for us. I liked him enough to have waited if he didn't want to meet up too soon.

 

I think you've probably jumped into conclusions and acted too hastily by ignoring her and de-friending her on FB. She's not committed a crime by declining to meet. Were you planning to meet her halfway? Sounds like you expected her to make the entire journey to you - which, even in your own admission, is a big step. Perhaps you need to find out why she declined to meet as she still seems keen on you. And you may want to re-think how you want to meet - ask to meet halfway or perhaps you can go to her?

[jenny_mcs]

So, after a few days of emailing, because she wouldn't make plans to see you, you broke all contact? Seems really hasty to me.

 

How did you ask her about getting together? Did you offer to meet half-way, or were you going to go to her town? Did she flat out say no, or just say it was too soon?

[Cadence44]

I think you messed up.

 

Generic advice is just that - generic advice. A rule about someone meeting you within a specific amount of time obviously cannot be extrapolated to someone who lives 8 hours away from you. That's a heck of a trip, especially if you are expecting her to be the one making the trip (I'm a bit of a traditionalist and believe the guy should make the effort for the first meetup, but meeting halfway would be ok). Perhaps she's a busy person and would have to schedule something in.

 

Yes, she could have expected just a pen pal or she could be someone who is more cautious about meeting men off of the internet. More likely, she liked you, was bewildered by your asking to meet so soon, was bewildered by your cutting her off and tried to get back in touch to talk it over. You ignored her.

 

Dude, stop following advice by the letter because there are variances in circumstances in everything you do. Many women are cautious about meeting men off the internet, so don't be offended if she acts interested but wants to talk a bit more before meeting. If you feel like she's leading you on, you can cut it off at any point.

 

If you like her, it's time to put yourself out there, apologize, and tell her what you were thinking when you decided to start treating her as if she'd done something wrong. Ask her if you can start over. She may have written you off by now though, since your behavior really doesn't indicate someone who is emotionally stable and trustworthy.

[misestopieces]

I just told her that I was willing to meet whenever she was, that I wouldn't mind taking a trip up her way for a couple of hours to see if we hit it off in person. She was obviously uncomfortable with that and wanted to just keep talking. But I obviously freaked her out because the contact slowed down after that. Initially she was texting and emailing me first thing in the morning and all day. After I asked about meeting, that contact turned into once every few days.

 

I feel awful now. Like if I'd handled it better, we'd have had a chance. I've had other internet meetings fizzle, but this one just keeps bothering me. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be strung along so I had to know if she was serious. I also understood why she'd want to take it slow, but in the past I've progressed to meeting within a couple of weeks even if there was a flight involved. I took her not wanting to meet as a sign that I was being strung along. But then she kept trying to contact me and I had to reconsider.

 

The advice here was to keep ignoring her unless she said specifically she wanted to give a relationship a chance. Not just "hey, how ya' doin?" or "text me back" or try to friend me again on FB. I should wait for something like "I'd like to talk about us" or something. But now I'm thinking that I messed up right away and kept messing up by not giving her a chance. This not knowing is really starting to eat away at me.

 

Oh, and by the way...She specifically said that she did NOT want to date during what would be our last conversation. After the contact slowed down to a crawl, I finally just out and asked her if she wanted to date me at all and she said that she did not want to do long-distance after all. I took that to mean that she was never serious and was just excited to have a pen pal and THAT's why I cut her off. I was initiating NC so I could get over her. I didn't mean to be a * * * * or seem emotionally unstable. I got very excited about her for a lot of reasons and I wanted to get over her. I'm not really questioning my actions after she gave me the "let's still be friends" line. I'm wondering if I derailed things by being too eager to meet. Though if she never really wanted long distance, then maybe she was just looking for a pen pal all along.

 

I wish I could stop thinking about it. But I guess that's what this forum is for.

[Cadence44]

Okay, your last post had much more detail in it - if she told you that she didn't want to date and "let's just be friends" then she probably did just want a pal. In that case, I honestly don't think there was anything that you could do. If you want more than to be her friend, don't settle for less. If you've taken some time to heal and find that you do want a friendship with her, you can get back in touch.

 

When you feel bad, just know that I think you did all that you could. This was all due to her mindset and there's nothing that could happen to change that. It just means that she wasn't the right one for you. Keep your head up and you'll find someone special.

[misestopieces]

Okay, your last post had much more detail in it - if she told you that she didn't want to date and "let's just be friends" then she probably did just want a pal. In that case, I honestly don't think there was anything that you could do. If you want more than to be her friend, don't settle for less. If you've taken some time to heal and find that you do want a friendship with her, you can get back in touch.

 

When you feel bad, just know that I think you did all that you could. This was all due to her mindset and there's nothing that could happen to change that. It just means that she wasn't the right one for you. Keep your head up and you'll find someone special.

 

I just need to convince myself that she NEVER wanted to date. Why else would she initiate contact with a guy several states away when she didn't want to date long distance (she said she'd tried it before and hated it)? I think she contacted me specifically because she wouldn't have to worry about meeting me.

 

Your post did help. I feel a little better. Thanks.