How do u know whether to stay or go?

[Mamasita]

For most of my life i've always thought i was pretty relationship savvy and that when i found what i wanted, i'd know... and i'd hold onto it. 10 months ago i met a guy who i thought was amazing, i was excited by him, the chemistry was there, the attraction & sex was (is) fantastic and i thought all the important things were there. i liked him, i liked his family values, his personal values, his work ethic, his morals and thought he was just a terrific, intelligent and wonderful person.

 

having said all that it wasnt without its problems, ironically its been a very rocky 10 months... we have broken up 5 times in the 10/11 months we have been together. at first i knew it was just his insecurity and inability to cope with the emotional stress and lack of faith in my commitment or ability to go the distance with him. i have a pretty dodgy past with 3 engagements, quite a few relationships as well as a criminal record as a result of some trouble i got myself into with an ex boyfriend. so once he got over the initial hurdles of my relatively high risk profile the dust has almost settled.

 

we used to fight a lot over the issues he had with my past relationships and criminal record and i made a fair effort i think to allay any concerns he should have. but in the process i think his attitude and lack of support has started to make me feel resentful. i feel like he has made these issues about him and how they make him feel rather then focusing on how irrelevant they are to us, to my life now, to our possible future together.

 

although he is not religious he has pretty high moral standards for himself and in a way imposes on those around him. impose being the most appropriate way to express it i feel. there are aspects that are very controlling, he gets angry over the most inane things to the point where he can be mean, hurtful and disrespectful to whoever it is that offends his views and preferences.

 

im starting to feel really confused at the moment. i thought i really loved him and i was so excited when i met him, i weathered so many of the hard times that i felt i may have been responsible for and felt compelled to work out with him because what we had was special. but it feels like it dosnt end and i dont know what to do anymore! he suffers from anxiety etc.. knowing that i realise it means he dosnt cope with stressful situations very well and he admits that and is apologetic and loving, lately after a particularly bad incident where he was in the wrong, he has made a concerted effort to be more loving and an effort to apologise to those involved. but i really do feel like its just a sign of what our relationship will be like and am starting to feel unsure about whether about how i feel and if its worth it? i know how hard it is to find someone to love, i've faked enough relationships to realise how special it is when someone makes u feel things. but when they do ur head in all the time? how much insecure, petty rubbish are u meant to put up with just to be with someone u think is special?

 

im a pretty happy go lucky sort of person and like to avoid drama. i like having romance and happiness, i dont expect things to be peachy all the time but i dont think it should be like this and im wondering if it will get better as we become more established in our relationship, will he feel more secure? will we get more comfortable with each other and argue less or is this it? i dont know... i feel like im losing interest and that makes me mad at myself too.

 

anyway its been nice to purge but if anyone can offer any insight or advice i'll appreciate it!

 

thanks!

[Stay_home]

It doesn't seem like this can work given the number of times that the relationship has ended and based on what the arguments are typically about. He doesn't seem to willing to accept that. If that is the case, then maybe it's best that you two go your separate ways so that he can find what he's looking for.

[GrowingIn]

You know that is such a hard question to answer. I had similar issues with my ex, where we fought very much and broke up numerous times in the span of a year. She ended up leaving in the end, but there were also other issues and influences involved other than just fighting and so I will say this. As crazy as it sounds I did like the idea that unlike all my other previous relationships, it seemed we had already seen the worst in each other in the first few months, took each others crap and then there we still were. Unfortunately it didn't work out in the end, but I still think there is something to that.

 

Thinking about the opposite example, in my short 3 year marriage we fought maybe a total of 3 or 4 times and the rest of it was all romantic and loving. But that 3rd or 4th time also marked the end, just like that, in a flash.

 

Now I kind of hope to have a few fights early in the relationship just to see how we handle it. And I really do think some people do adjust with time. It depends on if both people are still as dedicated to the relationship and wanting it to last long term, something it seems you are beginning to question. After awhile you should both just come to the conclusion, if you are capable of stepping back, and say...you know..."these fights are really not getting us anywhere, they keep repeating.....we have got to figure out a better way to deal with this". It's either that or you eventually get fed up with it.

 

But to actually predict if that will happen, I honestly don't think anyone outside of your relationship can tell you that. It's a matter of how much crap you both willing to put up with. So the question is this: Are you both STILL actively trying to work on ending the fighting? If yes, as long as they are not overly abusive, you have seen some improvement and you both see a future with each other, it could still work out.

 

We never made it out of the mud and to the green grass, but I could definitely see that light, while in that relationship. I think it is possible. Can you imagine yourself and him in the future being happy and communicating in a different way? If you can do that, I suggest trying to share that image with him and even begin behaving as if it's "already" like that. Give that a week or two and see what happens.

 

Is it worth it? Only you can answer that. But I do have this attitude now that if I find myself in a relationship that is rocky in the beginning, and then somehow we figure things out and make it past that stage, it's probably going to be a very strong relationship down the road.

[mosthumansrock]

I'd punch him.

 

Just joking never do that. It is kind of hard to answer considering the lack of precise information. What are you fighting about?

 

The why is, at least partially if not totally caused by his lack of emotional security as you say..I do believe it especially if he's not 50 y.o. with plenty of maturity. It is still not a reason to...not do errors nor fix them you know.

 

Personnally the sun exists but theres also rain at times. A breakup to me is like a flood, its hard on everybody. 5 times???

 

Does he acknowledge his share of errors? Do you..?

 

You guys need to want to be somewhere you know, it wont happen by itself. Theres also a ....load of variables to why an human would behave the way he does. It is hard to tell over internet.