She wants to meet me after 5 week break. How to handle it?

[DennisK]

My original thread here:

 

After 5 weeks of NC (only one text) since she asked for our break, my fiance has just texted me to ask if we can speak at some point this weekend.

 

I'm thinking of asking her to come over to mine for Sat evening as thats when she used to always stay over and it used to be 'our' time. Plus, then she'll be able to see that I've kept the house tidy and done the last few DIY jobs that needed doing.

 

I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it. All advice welcome - help!!!

 

She ended her text with two 'x's if that means anything? The last text she sent me three weeks ago had none. Trying not to get my hopes up too high so I don't get crushed if she just wants to confirm she wants to break up for good.

[DennisK]

I'm bricking it.

 

I so very nearly texted her yesterday. SO glad I held strong on NC.

[DennisK]

Asked her to come over for late afternoon and she's replied saying that she was thinking of earlier and 'going for a walk or something?'

 

Doesn't sound good to me.

[hello678]

After 5 weeks id say the desired effect would have happened. Just meet her whenever suits her, there is no point in being difficult the result is the same.

 

Be prepared that this probably won't be good news you are about to receive, it may be. I don't know and you certainly don't. I think after 5 weeks its worth to hear her out at the very least.

[kingofatlantis]

Just go when and where she wants. If its bad news walk away with your dignity and keep your head up. Accept her choice let her know how you feel and leave it at that. No begging, no phone calls after, no texts, and DO NOT agree to friendship or tell her you don't see it being an option but maybe in the future. Go NC immediately after the break-up and start the process of moving on and letting go of your now potential ex.

 

If its good news, remember why the relationship had to go on break and make sure it doesn't happen again and allow plenty of communication.

 

 

Read these threads

 

Majords Break-up and Reconciliation Guide:

 

 

Dramallamas NC and social networking tips

 

 

 

Any thread superdave has started (the guys tips are actually amazing):

 

 

 

This forum is a haven for fresh dumpees, feel free to post and vent here because there's plenty of us that is willing to help you through a break-up if it happens. Giood luck and I hope the news is good!

[DennisK]

Cheers guys.

 

I read your replies after asking her if she could compromise and at least pop in before going for our walk. I told her that she didn't have to worry about the house being untidy and that I'd like her to see that the diy jobs had been done like I promised they would be, before we broke up.

 

Its also due to be cold and windy outside, and at least indoors we can be dry, warm and comfortable with a nice cuppa.

 

I did say that if she still didn't want to come over, then I understand because it probably brings up too many feelings and memories. Waiting to hear back.

 

I'm trying, trying, trying to prepare for the worst when we speak tomorrow. But I just can't extinguish that last glimmer of hope, which I know will only lead to hurt.

[DennisK]

She's said that she'd prefer not to come over 'at this stage' and that she'd 'rather stay on neutral ground for now'. Difficult to know what to make of that. Meeting her tomorrow at a park for 11am.

 

Gonna drive myself crazy all day now reading too deeply into her messages now.

[snufflecotten]

you can do it stay strong , have a hot meal and a early night so your looking your best tomorrow .

[CMS]

I have to ask, whats your objective for wanting to show her the house? to show that you have improved or how good you are at DIY?

 

I think it might be a little too intimidating to her thats why she wanted in a neutral ground. You want to pull (invite) her back in if you want reconciliation and not pushing her so hard, agree to neutral ground meet up, talk with her but keep your dignity intact (no begging whatsoever) and prepare to walk away if things dont turn out like you would have hoped. Good luck

[DennisK]

I wanted to show her that being apart from her has made me realise that I was an @rse in not getting the house done quicker and that I understand why she got so upset when the house wasn't tidy, etc. That I'm committed 100%, I'm getting my butt into gear and want to change for the better.

 

I actually agree with her now, that the best thing is to stay on neutral ground for now and try and take things slowly, if indeed thats what she actually wants. I'm trying to tread a fine line and its pretty difficult.

 

Thanks for the kind words of advice guys. Not sure I'd be able to get through all of this without this forum. Glad I found it.

 

Thanks again.

[CMS]

A good technique is validate her, agree with her that break up was necessary (dont go overly into the details why, let her wonder).

 

Be upbeat and positive and under no circumstances bring up your previous relationship, if she brings it up, listen (really listen) and validate and then change subject.

[DennisK]

Thats what I intend to do. Been reading Al Turtle's website and it has some really good things on there. We do have some deep seated resentments which need to be aired and validated, as they never were fully before. When she asked for the break, she bought up issues which were months, even years old and I was wondering, "where the hell has this come back from???" Looking back, they were never fully discussed and laid to rest, just brushed under the carpet to fester away.

 

I actually do agree that if we do get back together, the break was in fact necessary. If we just carried on the way we were, then things would have got much worse and unsalvageable. I wasn't being very good listener and I don't think she was aware of what she was doing wrong either. Things had grown stale and we were taking each other for granted. The time apart has really made me think clearly about what I was doing wrong, how I need to change and what I really want. If she doesn't want to get back together, at least I can take this hard earned wisdom onto my next relationship and be a better person.

[CMS]

Good, now you can put your new found listening skill to work and show how you have improved. Good luck

[mat347]

Sounds alot like me, good luck!

[DennisK]

Thanks guys.

 

mat, yeah our stories do sound somewhat similar. Hope things work out for you. In my situation, NC was definitely the way to go as its got me to this point where I think I'm much better prepared for what happens next, whatever that may be.

[snufflecotten]

how did it go with your girl ?

[DennisK]

Meeting her today in 90mins.

[DennisK]

Well, it didn't really go the way I wanted it to.

 

We met up and caught up on events and what we'd been up to, engaging in some small talk. But when we got down to discussing about us, she said that she had missed me, but as a friend and not as a partner. That things had gone too far to come back from it. I laid my heart on the line and she said that if I'd I'd told her all of this 6 months ago, it would have made a difference, but it was too late now. I pretty much very nearly begged, which I know I shouldn't have, but it was difficult not to. I think I pretty much said everything which I wanted to though, so no regrets there.

 

She really wanted to be friends, but I told her no and gave her all of the reasons as to why I couldn't be. This really upset her, which made me feel terrible, but I have to think of me and not her now. I said that she could contact me, but only if she wanted to talk about 'us'.

 

We talked for 3 hours, but in the end we cried, hugged, kissed, exchanged keys and walked away.

 

Heart broken.

[CMS]

I am sorry to hear that.

[DennisK]

Thanks mate.

 

Took all of my strength to tell her that I couldn't remain friends as I could see that it was really, really hurting her.

 

A very large part of me tells me that I still want her in my life, but I know that down the line when she gets with somebody else, the hurt will be unbearable and it would break me all over again.

 

I tried to be as ready as I could for bad news, but her texts yesterday gave me false hope and like a fool I allowed myself to be sucked in. She said that she realised that it was a mistake sending the first text ending 'xx', but it was just habit. She shouldn't have said 'at this stage' or 'for now' either as that gave me false hope too. My fault though for trying to read too much into her words and getting my hopes up. I should have stuck with my conviction that the signs were not good as getting my hopes up beforehand has just bought me crashing back down.

 

I feel so stupid now and just destroyed.

[DennisK]

Have defriended her and her friends off facebook. Wanted to do it myself and not get anybody else to do it for me.

[nattpanter]

Don`t think about what you should have done 6 months ago and all that...this was the right time for you...if this was your soulmate, your life-long partner...time wouldn`t be an obstacle. I really hate when people say those kinds of things, as it will hunt the one they tell it to for a long time.

 

If there was true love here, she would be ready for you now...

 

Good luck, you`ll come out stronger some day...

[DennisK]

Yeah, her saying that if I'd said and understood things 6 months ago, then things would be ok now, really, really hurts.

 

This was my longest relationship to date by a long way and I was still learning. It took the drastic measure of the break to really make me look at ourselves and understand things and I'm just now filled with deep regret and I hate myself now in so many ways. I also hate her now for saying it to me, as its made me feel like all of the blame lies with me, when it doesn't. But I don't want to hate her.

[twitchyfingers]

Please don't feel stupid. If you hadn't met up with her, you might've been wondering "What if..?" and driving yourself crazy with not knowing.

 

Standing firm with not putting yourself through the torture of "just friends" is a huge step forward, and took a ton of fortitude. Defriending off facebook is another big step, and a way to begin healing for good.

 

Sorry for the pain -- I'd've been gutted if I were in your shoes -- but I think you handled it as well as a person could. Chin up.

[DennisK]

Thanks twitchy.

 

I was always going to meet up with her, for closure and answers if anything. I guess I got them, which is a lot more than some people get. The reason I feel stupid is that I over analysed her words and got my hopes up, only to have them crushed. I was doing ok expecting the worst up until yesterday when she texted me.

 

I've had break-ups before, but this hurts by far the worst as she was the one I finally wanted to settle down with. I'd invested so much time and love into our relationship and now I have to have to start all over again. I don't think I have the energy to do it. Its easier for her as she's in her mid 20's, but I'm in my mid 30's and I just can't face starting over again with somebody else.