WHAT THE DEVIL IS THIS BREAK STUFF??

[chantel75]

Hi ya'll ............. i cant believe that i came accross a forum like this, that it even exists! Thanks to all of you who share and advise

 

if theres anyone (maybe the male perepective would be best?) who can offer some insight as to what the heck might be goin on in my situation, i cant tell you how much id appreciate it....

 

ill try to keep this as brief as possible.. BF of 1 year out of the blue says he needs a break- he needs to think of himself right now, does not want to be tied down, etc etc. Meanwhile he also claims that he hopes he is not making the mistake of his life, says he hopes this break is short term, and he told me to call him whenever i feel like calling. he has called me a couple times since the break as well as a couple emails and IM's -- all very casual.....

 

i dont get this at all because he was just telling me 1 DAY before the "break" how much he loved me, what a great weekend we had together ( we are doin the long distance thing- hes 3 hrs away at grad school in florida), and how lucky we were to have each other- and NOW THIS! we had talked about marriage, kids, all that good stuff. HE dragged me into a store to look at rings-- only to BREAK MY HEART less than a week later

 

so i am shocked, hurt, and so incredibly sad. I cant let him go while he keeps giving me signs that this might be temporary. I dont have the strength to tell him to not contact me at all.... im not at that point yet- maybe someday. but can anyone tell me what this break crap is all about-especially if the relationship was sincere and positive??? Fear perhaps? i just dont get it and i dont get how i am supposed to stay sane during this "break".....

 

i know some of you have been through this or are going through it- any advice? thoughts? THANKS!-- Sam

[rnorth]

Well, for one, it sounds like he is scared from all of the encroaching seriousness of your relationship. If it is this hard on you to keep minimal contact with him, tell him you need your space until he can figure out what he wants. Tell him how hard it is for you to only have this casual contact and if he really needs a break, you support him doing it but that you need to break off contact for a period of time so that you can be strong for yourself. Then, mean it. You can set a specific amount of time if that makes you feel better, but really use your space to work on yourself.

 

At the very least it certainly will make him think twice about taking a "break".

[lagsalot]

I'd agree with rnorth... It sounds to me that maybe he is just concerned with the serious route your relationship is taking. Either he really just needs to take a break to gather his thoughts about being with one person the rest of his life. Or it could also be that maybe he is testing you in a way, to see if you really want to be with him.

 

I think honesty would be the best policy here. I would really talk to him and tell him that it is breaking your heart to have this "break". But that you understand he needs a little space, and then ask him to understand that it hurts to keep talking and not know what the future brings.

[J Sorel]

I think that how you handle his anouncement in the couple of days to come is very important. Tell him that you undetrstand his need for space, but be direct, also make it clear that you will be there for a certain amount of time and in a limited way until he gets is head cleared up. Tell him you support his taking time to think things through, a badly made decision is not something you support, but that he also needs to keep in mind that his "break" is giving you conflicting messages and that you are willing to support his needing space in the short time, he shouldnt take it for granted that you will be there whenever he needs you. When e chooses you, then he'll have all of yuo. So long as he's unsure, then he should know that tis means things wont continue just as before ...

Be strong and clear.

Good luck, Sorel

[chantel75]

hi-- thanks so much for your responses. they were greatly appreciated. i know now that i have to move on. he told me to move on and that he does not want me to wait around for him, but he still hopes one day that it might all work out. as much as i know its time to move on, i still cant help but feel like i hope that this all works out and we d get back together.

 

does anyone know if its possible to fall out of love with someone as quickly as he did? last week he loved me, but now hes not so sure anymore.

thats crap..... as much as this hurts me, i am realizing HE is the one with issues............ he claims that hes cried the last few nights because of his chaotic life. and because "he is so scared".........whatever.

 

anyway, we did speak last night and although i was not cruel, i was direct by telling him he was losing a very good thing and that he would not find someone esle who will love him like i do, care for him like i do. i told him i wished i could not /did not love him because he was acting like a jerk, and that although it would be hard, I WOULD MOVE ON. was i wrong to be this direct? i was just being honest. i also told him that hed never get anywhere in life by just quitting and giving up as he does now. i think he needed to hear all that- not that it will change his mind, but i dont want him to think that i am a door mat that is just willing to accept being treated like a piece of trash..........discarded when you were "done" with.

 

so of course he said he wants to "be friends" -- says he needs that in his life right now. if he is having such issues in his life, should i be his friend? i think i can handle that- i would rather be friends than nothing......or am i setting my self up for more heartache by being his friend? im not sure if he thinks anything else might come of this-- he said that with all thats been said and done, he does not know if we could ever be a couple again.....perhaps he is just making one excuse after the next, but why the hell do that when we had a good relationship? atleast i have learned many things about myself that will help better myself for my next relationship.

 

sorry for the drama- it is just so helpful to get other input from people who can be more objective than i can. Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!

[RayKay]

Well, I do understand how you are feeling (I am in a somewhat similar state) but you have to be careful about critiquing him for what he is doing since that will just put him on defensive. It is okay to not agree with his actions and get accross that he is losing a great thing, but don't say he will never find someone to love him as much as you did and so on - only because that devalues them. Not saying it might not be true cause I feel the same way! Just don't tell them that!

 

Look at his from his view I guess is what I am trying to say, as hard as it is. While to you it seems like he is being scared and running away from the problem, in HIS mind he is confronting it by dealing with it before it gets worse. I know, hard to understand, but you can't make them act in a different way!

 

As to whether you can be friends with him or not, well that is only something you know. It depends on how much you can control your emotions and what YOU want the friendship to be about. I am friends with my ex, pretty close friends, but it is NOT always easy, though I have (minus a couple slip-ups) kept in control of my emotions, and while his friendship is important, I do have strategic reasons too! I have faith we will get back together in time and this will make us stronger, but that is because I also see in his actions that he does feel it is an issue he has to deal with, and that he does "want me" - but there are too many barriers in his own self right now due to past issues that he has to sort out first! Do you have the patience? It can be a bumpy road! You have to really sit down and think about it and determine what you want and whether it is possible.

 

You might want to take some time away though, it sounds like you might still have too much emotion or "drama"/anger to have the patience you might need!

 

Also, while I know it is my ex's issues that are the cause of the breakup in theory, I also recognize my own actions that helped breed those issues. So saying it is HIS issues alone is not entirely correct (my ex says it is nothing I did, or could of done, and he is very positive about me and the relationship but regardless, I have learned there were things I could of done or not have done!). If you don't figure this out as well and use it as growing process, if you do get back together it could end up even worse in the end.

[chantel75]

WOW -- you are good at this-- everything you said makes perfect sense..... i think i was in an emotional state and said to him everything that came to mind.........it probably did make him defensive, but i just wanted him to think about all this........ my heads not clear yet because this just happened a week ago and i guess i am still reeling.....

 

Our situations do sound similar. I know he has to work through his issues before he can be in a successful relationship. I also know that there are things that i must do in order to better myself so that I can stronger in my next relationship.

 

id like to be his friend while hes struggling with his "issues" and i hope that i am strong enough to do so. after all, we always said we were best friends. I also am hoping that one day we can put this in the past and rebuild what we once had.

 

well, again, thanks for your insight- you are 1 smart cookie! good luck with your situation.

[RayKay]

Well, what do they say - those who can't - TEACH!

 

Don't worry about what you said now, it is in the past, and I did the same thing early on to a degree. Though we have also had some good healing conversations too once I was doing better, and I managed to even give him some insight And I tell him he is mental too (which he is!).

 

I know it is very hard - you are probably much like myself in that you want to "fix things" and you can see how they can be fixed. It is very frustrating when the other partner just is not in that mindset. They need, or feel they need, to get there on their own. Have faith in what you HAVE established with them, and your bond. Sometimes people get freaked out by being vulnerable and committed - I don't believe in that whole commitment phobe idea as much, as believing that they can overcome it with work, acknowledging the problem and the patience of the other person. Sometimes people aren't right for one another, but sometimes they most definitely are and there are still these issues - don't put blame on yourself, or even him - just look at the patterns and how they can be changed.

 

Honestly - positivity attracts positive situations. If that means with your ex, excellent, you are then both ready to start fresh and you will probably be stronger for it! If not, then it will be better in the end. I promise that! There are bad days, and good ones, great minutes, and bad weeks! Just have faith, follow your heart - it will guide you in the right direction.

 

And best of luck to you as well!

[d346]

I have to agree in the fact that I think taking a break is crap. I've been through it, and although I am back together with my boyfriend now, i told him to NEVER do it to me again.

 

Basically he had issues with his life, his job, and the biggest factor that led him to wanting a break was that he felt cornered by me...he knew the next step was marriage, and after 2.5 years i was beginning to voice my desire for it, so he freaked out. -gave me this "I don't feel good about things, and i dont' know if I ever will" crap, and that he needs some time to figure it out.

 

we tried a break for 2 weeks...but that did nothing. it took the stress of our relationship off his shoulders and he didn't think about ANYTHING. Meanwhile, I was a mess, wondering what he was going through and if he was going to decide to end it when we met up again in 2 weeks.

 

So he came to no conclusions, and i broke it off. Very weakly though, because I didn't have the heart to tell him it was over. i told him that I had to find happiness if it came my way, and he agreed. That was what was hurtful...he was willling to give me up. I figured, i guess he doesn't love me enough to work this out.

 

So i cried I moped, I was a mess. To make a long story short, he called me three weeks later, saying he loved me, missed me and wanted to start over again. I was hesitant because I was beginning to come to grips with the fact that he may never reappear.

 

My advice...Even though I think it's crap for a guy to do this (I think it takes maturity to admit you have issues and want to work it out together) Let him go, and do his soul searching. If it's meant to be it will work out.

 

In the meantime, besides being upset -be strong. Hold firm in what you believe in. Now my guy is a little more open to the marriage factor because i made it very clear when we were breaking up that that's what I want. He knew this when he came back to me. Consessions will have to be made if you guys get back together, but don't be a doormat. Take this time to figure out what you want to do with yourself. don't necessarily look to date, but maybe you're up for a promotion, (or a new job) or time to make some changes/improvents to your own life!

[Vert]

Wow... this sounds exactly like my situation.

 

I proposed to my ex-gf about 3 weeks ago and she weakly accepted the ring with "I guess so but I don't know" and then a week later she gave me the ring back. She said that she was "miserable" all week prior to giving me the ring back and that she needs time to think about our relationship. She took a trip to France (it was already planned) with a girlfriend, and said she would take the time to think about it. We both agreed that if she came back and said no, that it would be over and we'd do NC. The very thought of it crushes me inside, but I know it has to be that way. Unfortunately I am moving out-of-state for a job, and this does not bode well for me. She IM'd me while in France to tell me that she was going to take counseling sessions to find out why she's "confused" about us and why she "misses me so much". Her friends have been telling her that she doesn't open up enough and allow herself to fully love me (or anyone for that matter). My friends tell me this is a good thing for her as she will truly learn to open up and love someone whether it ends up being me again or someone else.

 

Anyway, I agree that a "break" is the easy and less crushing way of breaking up with someone. It basically eases them into the breakup, but I hate not knowing or having closure. What do you guys think about that?