I'm just so oblivious...

[polka_hats]

So, sorta the same ol' same ol' I've seen on here but I need some insight.

 

Met a dude online (pretty standard nowadays), we've ended up really hitting it off in the past month (which I wasn't expecting) and now I really like the guy. I didn't go into 'dating land' with any expectations or pre-conceived notions of meeting someone I'd want a relationship with...but it's kind of turned out that way.

 

The problem is that I am reaaalllyyy terrible at reading signs and I'm also not very good at expressing my feelings so I'm sure the poor fellow has been getting mixed signals as well.

 

The positive things I can see on the surface are: we talk everyday, hang out all the time (movies, din and the like), I went to his best friends wedding as his date last weekend (he was the best man), he has invited me up to his parents (an hour or so out of town) a few times but I haven't gone yet, he helped me move, he came to my fundraiser with me, we've slept together twice - both times excellent, we have the same sense of humour and I overall really enjoy being in his company.

 

The negative things I can see on the surface are: he still has his online dating account and I did ask him about it to which he responded that him and his cousin have found the humour in it and read and respond to messages as a laugh, he uses terms of endearment quite loosely calling everyone darling or sweetheart and such so I'm not sure if anything he says to me really means anything, we got in a minor tiff over something...I can't even remember what and he used the silent treatment as retaliation so when he texted asking if I was still going to the wedding with him I told him that it was my plan too but it seemed like we were fizzling out to which he immediately jumped all over and told me he was just upset and we went out for a drink that night and he told me that he may not be ready for a girlfriend right this minute but he wanted to date and see what happens and let natural progression take it's course.

 

I wrote more than I meant to...but yeah...you get the gist I'm sure, I'm just confused as to what this guy is doing. I've blatantly told him that I'm not up for being anyone's plaything or woman on a string and he's said that it isn't the case, nor his intention to do that to me anyways. Am I just not receiving any signals at all? Is my radar broken?

 

Help.

[NANsense]

You told him you aren't going to be anyones plaything....yet he is telling you he "doesn't know abt a rlshp"....simple answer to your situation...

Tell him to contact you WHEN he has made his mind up that he wants a committed rlshp--one that excludes being on dating sites for giggles or any other reason!

 

you draw the line in the sand on what you want and how you expect to be treated--with respect

A friend of mine always says "we don't get what we deserve--we get what we bargain for"...IMO when it comes to respect--we get what we demand

[Batya33]

I think it's a big leap on your part from "if he's not ready to be serious he's going to use me like a plaything" -he might have been very put off by your comment and wondered where your negativity was coming from.

People who want to get serious do not advertise themselves as single on a dating site "for laughs" -they find entertainment elsewhere, where they are not holding themselves out as single. He is advertising himself as single because he wants to keep his options open. He probably enjoys the couple stuff with you but doesn't want to put all his eggs in one basket yet. You were fine with having sex with him without being exclusive so he is entitled to assume that you are fine with that arrangement.

I would decide how long you are willing to be involved with him without being exclusive and at the end of that time tell him nicely to contact you if he changes his mind and if you are still interested and available you will consider it.

[polka_hats]

Thanks for the responses! Like I said I'm not very good at expressing my feelings...apparently I've failed on this forum as well haha.

 

Ultimately my question is/was: Is he into me? Do men really think that progression happens (I do) or is that just a good word to use to keep someone around 'til they're done with them? Are any of my positive/negative observations relevant or meaningful?

 

To address a few things in the posts above: I didn't want a relationship going into this, sex without exclusivity was completely fine with me, but my feelings have progressed (there's that word again). I don't think I made a big leap telling him I wasn't up for being a plaything or strung along...I think it was a valid point to be made and put out there when my feelings started to get involved in the equation, I wasn't negative or harsh about it, I just wanted him to know where I was so we could either be on the same page or take it to friend mode.

[andreea]

what I learnt from a similar experience is: when a guy tells "he is not so sure", he is not, he is not that much into you and I don t think you should do anything to change that, because you can t make somebody to like, love you, so "I am not sure" is a huge red flag for me!

Still being on the dating site while he is dating you, another huge red flag, my ex did the same, he took off his profile just after we broke up... so I guess when a guy is really interested and want something serious at least suspends his profile for show some respect to you, to this relationship...

The fact that he invited you at the wedding and wants you to meet his parents normally means something but in this case probably he just needed a partner... and he probably just want to date as he said, just to hang out with somebody, until something or somebody better will appear in his life...

Please be careful because you might just end up hurting yourself!

[NANsense]

Ya, your observations are very relevant...first of all he is BSing you abt why he's on the dating site (see batya's post)

 

He wanted you to be his date to the wedding so he wouldn't have to go alone...I wouldn't read more into it than that--and I have to wonder why you would have gone when he was giving you the silent treatment?

 

After spending a month together he should have a good idea of whether you are rlshp material...do I think he will change his mind on your status...TBH NO--not if he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

You have feelings for this guy--and IMO the time to draw the line is NOW! he knows how you feel and is playing the old "IDK what I want yet" game with you--so you continue to see him and he gets to do as he pleases for as long as he can get away with it! Better to cut your losses now--if that's what it's gonna come too--then to be strung along until you feel more for him, which will only make it harder to leave down the line.

[polka_hats]

That's about what I figured, thanks for the input.

 

I must admit, after reading a few other 'dating' posts on this forum I'm just gonna take a few steps back in my mind, stop over analyzing and just enjoy myself. I deserve it after being single for almost a year after going through hell with that ex. The good thing about not having too many feelings is that the ones I do have I'm able to control and rein in when need be. I'll be sure to keep my guard up folks, any other advice is always more than welcome!

[Batya33]

When I was dating, for many years, I wanted to make a positive impression so saying things that expressed or implied that I had been used/badly treated in the past was not going to be consistent with that goal. Since it was only the minority of men who had acted like jerks I didn't have baggage but when I expressed my interest in knowing the man's intentions I expressed it in a positive way not in "well I'm afraid of being hurt like I was in the past by jerks so I'm just laying it all out here" -that is how your reference to plaything comes accross to me.

I do think things can progress. I do think that having sex early on without being exclusive can sometimes make things unnecessarily complicated because some people get attached emotionally and/or have different expectations just because intercourse is involved.

[polka_hats]

In the nicest way possible, I think you may be reading into that one small quote a bit too much, let it go. I know I did the right thing in that circumstance.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you have a good head on your shoulders polka. I can see where your confusion comes in. Here's what I'll contribute. Sometimes other people's feelings don't progress the way that ours do. In my opinion, I think it's best to wait on sex for a month or two (at least) ... to see where you are and how you feel. Many men have this interesting way of categorizing women. If you don't make the whole idea that sex is for an exclusive dating relationship clear from the beginning, they might see you as an option while they continue to look for other things. Not fun, I know, but true! Good luck.

[Batya33]

In the nicest way possible, I think you may be reading into that one small quote a bit too much, let it go. I know I did the right thing in that circumstance.

 

Sure I might be - and I apologize if I did- to me it wasn't small and exuded negative vibes/energy. I've been turned off by men making those kinds of comments to me and I know that men have been turned off as well. That is why it jumped out at me- that and the way you described your relationship seemed like you were trying a bit too hard to be "cool" and detached - I can relate to wanting to be self-protective especially in the beginning but in that context the quote didn't seem small at all to me. Thanks for your response and clarification.