boyfriend cheated during long distance and I need to find some peace of mind

[athena3]

Hi,

 

It makes me really sad to be posting on here, like a lot of you...I never thought this would happen to me.

 

My boyfriend and I were dating for 2 years, me doing my Masters and him doing his PhD...his project also takes him to Japan, so he rotates between a few months in Japan and a few in Canada. In the beginning he was an amazing boyfriend, and so patient with my insecurities and negativity, I can fully admit I wasn't a great girlfriend back then. All of my insecurities I think resulted in a lot of fights, esp. when he had to go to Japan for 4 months only about 5 months into our relationship.

 

About a year into our relationship, he broke up with me due to all of our fights and the strain of the long distance and work stress, and then got back together a few weeks later. I owned up to all of my mistakes, and took it as a big wake up call and kept on working on myself, saw therapy, read books, and could slowly see myself becoming less insecure and more supportive of him. But we broke up again 6 months later as he grew impatient with the time it took for me to change. Again we got back together after a month, this time thinking we'd both changed enough to come together in a healthier way.

 

I know it sounds pretty stupid when I summarize our relationship here, I know most ENAers don't believe in on-off relationships...but I attributed this 'rollercoaster ride' to the timing not being right in terms of the long d and my not being where i want to be in terms of my personal growth. But he was the guy I saw myself with in the end. And since day 1, regardless of all the hardships we've been through, my boyfriend has told me that I am the one he wants to settle down with when he wants to settle down, but over time admitted to him not being ready to be the kind of guy I wanted yet.

 

I held on to all the amazing moments we had, how happy i was and how fulfilled he made me when times were good. But all times things were bad were also taking a toll on me, as he slowly became more and more detached and angry, when I was still very much wanting to work through our problems. There was a very stark day and night difference between his behaviour when he was angry vs. happy. When he was happy he loved me to pieces, went out of his way to treat me well and touch me, and when he was angry, he was vindictive, swearing at me and putting me down.

 

Fast forward to now, and I recently found some pictures on his harddrive showing proof that he was at least trying to cheat on me while he was in Japan a year into our relationship. It was really devastating for me to see, after how much I thought I could trust him and how much I thought he loved and stayed faithful to me. So I confronted him, and he gave excuses like...'she was just a friend' or 'It wasn't cheating' (but the intent was definitely there...you don't buy a rose for a friend) and...'she didn't mean anything to me'...suffice to say, his lack of remorse (he even got impatient as i asked for more details about this) was the tipping point, and I broke up with him.

 

Sorry for all this rambling, I don't really know what I'm trying to get at, but I explained the background of our relationship because a big part of me feels like it's my fault, that if I had been a better gf, he wouldn't have strayed. And a part of me doesn't accept what has happened, I do want to believe that this girl meant nothing, that I am still his everything...that it was just a mistake. And then another part thinks that the whole relationship was just a big f%$king lie.

 

It's been 4 days since the breakup and we haven't had any contact since. I know he hasnt told his friends or family we are broken up, so I get a feeling he is just waiting for me to message him first, as I have done previously to show I still care. He knows how much I love him, and I think on some big level, he takes me for granted and thinks I will always come back to him...He once said after the break ups that he always comes back to me.

 

Please people give me some insights or opinions into this behaviour, I know the BEST thing for me would be to let go, but how do I given all the thoughts that are racing in my head. He was the guy I thought was perfect for me, albeit emotionally immature, and that idea was shattered when I saw those pictures...I want to find a way to get through this and come out stronger, and not become untrusting toward any future man, be it him or anyone else.

[mikem]

It wasn't your fault. The dude is a cheater and a manipulator. Don't blame yourself. There is no excuse for cheating. You deserve better.

[sidehop]

It really doesn't matter whether he cheated on you next door or in another continent. He was selfish enough to break your heart in pieces. If you want to get back with a person like himself who swears and is vindictive then it's your choice but one can only see this will become a recurring pattern.

[athena3]

i might sound stupid....but i can see how i am partly to blame for his bad behaviour. i brought up more issues than i should have, instead of trying to appreciate him more. and then i enabled his rudeness by not making a stand for myself...not just walking out the door when he lost his temper, just by being a pushover. and honestly, the only thing that's stopping me from contacting him now is my self-respect..and i feel weak! i love him still, and i know that it can't work now if ever, especially if i initiate it, so then why am i still unconvinced....

[sidehop]

People make mistakes and relationship is a learning process and constant adjustment. One's action doesn't make it right for another to automatically give up. If you two truly tried and did not work out then you just have to let it go. But in your case he cheated on you. That throws everything out the window. You deserve far better than this.

[metrogirl]

He cheated because he's an ass not because you were a bad girlfriend. If he didn't like you and how you were, he could have ended the relationshiop or never reconciled with you for that matter instead of carrying on with someone else.

[SugarSkull]

If he was THAT unhappy in the relationship, and with you he should of broke up with you. Instead, he cheated on you. Judging by your insecurities, and all of the issues you've had in the past...you will never be able to get over this and it will eventually destroy you and the rest of your relationship. You cant trust him. Trust is very important. Its not your fault. Move on.

[LostOne01]

He cheated because he's an ass not because you were a bad girlfriend. If he didn't like you and how you were, he could have ended the relationshiop or never reconciled with you for that matter instead of carrying on with someone else.

 

And OP if you REALLY want a piece of mind, heal and move on from this trash and find a better man who will treat you right and address problems in the relationship instead of cheating on you and trying to manipulate you.