Being Gay

[people500]

Hey everyone,

I want to write to today about being homosexual. It's been a real struggle for me. I've know since I was around 10 years old. Along with being very mature for my age, I have felt very different from everyone. I'm fine with it myself, but it's really hard in the real world. I got called a today. Luckily it only happens once in a while. I was homeschooled, so luckily I didn't have to deal with all that goes on there, I know this has definitely made me a stronger person.

What I would really like, is to hear others peoples stories about being gay. What you guys have had to deal with. Please share. I do feel like I'm the only one going through it all sometimes.

[Lucy__lou]

Hello. That's horrible that you were called that word which starts with "f" and relates to the burning of sticks (and people). Ignorant and hateful and abusive morons will always exist unfortunately.

 

I'll leave it to the gay men on this forum to share their stories with you, but for what it's worth here's some suggestions to keep your spirits up.

 

The internet's a great way to reach out and connect with the Gay world, so it's good that you've come here, but there's so much more out there as well.

 

Sexual minorities such as yourself are scattered accross the world. That's just they way it works. Eventually the minorities find each other and cluster in specific places, but where you're born is random.

 

The problem you feel of feeling like you're the "only gay in the village" is an age old problem which will be around forever. Like any other minority, you have to connect with others in the same boat. When you're older and richer, of course, you can do the same all older and richer Gay men have done and move to a bigger city like San Fran or NYC, or any of the other cities that have higher concentrations of Gay people. But in the mean time, you have to do what you have to to keep your spirits up and find allies wherever you happen to be right now.

 

Check out the "It gets better project" on youtube, and you'lll se hundreds of ordinary LGBT folk (especially Gay guys) talking about their experiences.

 

If you live in a city, there's probably a local LGBT newspaper you can find to connect with the local scene. And if you're at uni, there's probably a club.

 

As you dream of Gayer pastures, check out the Gay Atlas, www.urban.org/books/gayatlas/ and pick your future hometown.

 

I find the gay media is a great source of entertainment to keep my spirits up and feel less alone (I'm bisexual). Actually, in my small and very straight town, it's been somewhat of a lifeline.

[Nerdyjock]

Hey pal,

 

Just a fair warning - I have a feeling I will have a lot to share so be prepared for a huge wall of text

 

Congratulations on realizing your sexuality and having the bravery to live being yourself. I think society is at a postive turning point when it comes to embracing sexualities other than heterosexuality. Of course we have some growing pains until this becomes less and less a source of conflict between people, but even I, as a 23 year old, see far less prejudice against homosexuals as I did when I was younger. There is a long ways to go and prejudice still exists, so it takes a lot of bravery and courage to be yourself sometimes. Good for you!

 

I too was exactly the age you mentioned when I realized I was gay. I can relate to the feeling of isolation and "aloneness" in dealing with the issue. All I can tell you from my experience is, it gets better. I grew up in Alabama and believe me, there wasn't (that I knew of) any gay, bisexual, lesbian, etc. that I could go to to talk about things. I never had any guidance or role models or people to ask questions to. I just had to learn. It can be difficult, but for me it was also a huge path for personal growth. A lot of times when I meet guys like you who realized their sexuality at a young age, they tend to be very introspective and compassionate. It takes a lot to think about and question your sexuality at such a young age, especially when your heterosexual peers don't seem to have to "think" about their sexuality as much in order to figure it out (some may, I'm just saying in general). What I mean is, they have lessons all around them about relationships, even if some are bad. From movies, to books to their parents and teachers, there are all types of examples of good and bad. For us, though, we kind of have to do a lot of figuring out for ourselves. There are the occasional popular media gay role-models, but they are few and far between and for this reason we tend to have to look elsewhere for answers (in ourselves). In other words, it can seem difficult, but I honestly think the isolation played a key role in my personal growth and development, and I think it can for you or anyone else too in similar shoes.

 

About the guy calling you the mean "f" word - let me tell you how I think about these kinds of situations. It was obviously rude and disrespectful of him. The thing is, though, so many people get picked on every day for a ton of things. Gender, race, ethnicity, attrractiveness, or even things as small as having glasses (e.g. "four eyes") or braces can give some bullies a reason to pick on people. The reason I'm telling you this is so you can see that you aren't as different from your peers as you think. We all have differences that may entice some bully to come pick on us. While sexuality shouldn't be one of those reasons, it is - but try not to think of it as being singled out for being gay. It isn't punishment for being gay. It is an unacceptable behavior that happens for many reasons, and that guy just happened to use your sexuality as something to pick on. If it weren't you and your sexuality, the same bully would probably be bullying someone else for some other reason. Again, my point in explaining this is so you can see that your sexuality doesn't have to seem like such an isolating factor. Yes, it is a difference for sure versus your heterosexual peers, but it is only one tiny piece of everything you are, so never get discouraged when those bullies pick on you.

 

For many people in my life, I was the first homosexual that they had ever met or seen in "real-life". This can be a reward or a privelege, if you get the opportunity to do the same. For many people, you may set a precedent of what homosexuals are like; on the other hand, you may break stereotypes about what gay people are like. Regardless of what happens, you are a special person because of this. You may not know it, but the more people know you are gay, the more people who are questioning their sexuality will see your courage and bravery as anchors for their own hope. I know it seems silly, but to me this has been one of the most rewarding experiences of being homosexual in a time and place (where I grew up) that very few (open) homosexuals resided. So while you may feel alone, I bet you are likely inspiring others - gay or not - to re-examine any negative prejudices they have and understanding that homosexuality is just another trait about us and not our defining feature. Let me give you a little story to demonstrate what I mean: (some details of the story have been edited to maintain anonymity)

 

When I was in high school, some guy told everyone in our senior class that he was going to beat me up because I was gay. It made me really nervous, but I had a lot of friends who told me they wouldn't let anything happen. Anyway, I was a teacher's assistant and one day this guy's class came to the class that I was an assistant for to listen to a guest speaker. I was really nervous because this was the first time we had ever been in a room together. At the end of the guest lecture, I went around and made sure everyone understood the assingment that the teacher had given, and he asked me to sit down so he could ask me a question. He asked me if I would help him with his paper topic (the assignment was to write a paper) and I did. After that, he never mentioned wanting to beat me up again to anyone else. I can never know exactly what it was that made him go from being so prejudiced to being kind towards me, but I have a feeling that it was fear of the unknown. He had never encountered a gay individual in his life, and now that he had, he realized that it wasn't a big deal at all. Sorry if the story seemed irrelevant, but to me it shows all the positive you can do despite the fear of being alone and isolated - your actions speak volumes.

 

In summary, buddy, I think the experience of dealing with your sexuality will teach you many things - that is, if your path is remotely similar to mine. It will teach you the value of independence; it will teach you compassion for those who are different than yourself; it will strengthen your self-reliance; lastly, it has the potential to make you feel empowered - that you are capable of helping others and empowered to be yourself in a world where it's tempting to conform. You deserve a pat on the back, a hug, and certainly some friends and family who will be there for you as you grow. I'm sure many of us here at ENA are willing to be there for you, and I'm also sure you have people in your life now who will do the same. You aren't alone, and your sexuality is 1/100000th everything that makes you the unique individual that you are. Don't let anyone bring you down because of that.

[rickandrew]

I won't say where I exactly live but I'll describe it instead. I live where there's so much prejudices. In our place it's dominantly Christian, being gay is a big NO. I haven't "come out of the closet." I am just really afraid. I have a best friend that I've known my entire life that I'm afraid might not accept me for who I really am. I had girlfriend, nobody would ever suspect me to be gay. I feel safer this way because I'm not risking anything. But right now I think I am falling for this guy, hard. We met freshmen year college and now I'm in my third year of college and he's still the person that I think about. I care for him so much that I never want to see him sad or angry. I would do anything for him. I would give up my own selfish ways for him. I don't know if he's gay. I know that so many people think he's gay. He told me he never had a girlfriend but he told a different story to the rest of our friends, he said that he did have a girlfriend but never mentioned a name.

 

Being gay sucks. I am going through so much pressure in my studies and I have to deal with these feelings I have for him. I don't know what to do. I seeked for advise from other people in the forum but they advised me to come out. They make it sound so easy but to me it's not an option. I am not ready to come out yet. I just want these feelings that I have for my friend to go away. I wish I never met him, because everytime I think about him, I think about the risks that I would take if I ever came out. I really have this gut feeling that he's gay that maybe he also likes me. I've done so much for him that I think would give him a hint that what I feel for him is so much more. Now I'm stuck thinking, what if we're just both waiting for each other? Being gay is not easy. I never wanted to be born gay, but this is who I am and I've accepted who I am. I was born in a very religious family I believe in God, sometimes I wonder why am I in the place where I am right now? It's so hard sometimes I feel like I can't handle it anymore.

[lukeb]

I have always believed that the reason why so many are afraid to come out because of society to be a bit of a red herring. A far bigger obstacle is a sort of internalized homophobia. If you can't accept yourself, then how could their friends and family accept them? For me anyways the far bigger struggle was the adjustment for me that they knew what I was.

 

I think we have lost a little nowadays now that there seems to be such a broad acceptance of being gay. The gay community used to be so much more defined, and close knit, the idea that we would consider ourselves family to each other.

[ceez]

being gay is very difficult. Not trying to scare anyone but it seems like most gay people I talk to (online, not many open gay people where I live) they have some kind of suicide story to tell. I'm still debating on when I should come out myself, I've accepted myself, I don't think being gay is something to be ashamed of, and I'm not worried about anybody threatening me (I'm kind of a big guy),but thinking about all the extra stress I'll get from my super religious family, I'm already losing my mind with everyone thinking I'm straight. And the town I live in is actually not all that homophobic for being right on the bible belt, we had openly gay assistant principles in jr.high and high school which actually helped a lot of gay kids come out but unfortunately for me they came out after I graduated.

 

I do think the world is becoming a little more accepting. they've legalized gay marriage in Brazil and I've noticed "It Gets Better" commercials during the NBA playoffs which I thought was awesome. I don't think we'll ever be able to get rid of bigotry though, there's actually still a few racists people where I live. the only thing we can really do his hold our heads high and stick to a solid plan that will get you where you want to be in X amount of years. that's what I'm doing now, it's a very difficult thing to do and I did get a little side tracked but it will pay off huge in the long run.

[greenlants]

Wow people500, that's pretty lame that someone would call you that. I'm not THAT old yet, but I am gaining some years finally, and I can tell you that for SOME people, it does get easier. When I was younger I used to struggle with my sexuality because of my religion, and because of who my friends were. I was scared that my parents would disown me, that all my friends would leave my side, and everything would just end up destroyed if I came out.

 

Well, me having a big mouth and being immature at the time, I ran around the place I worked telling everyone I was dating my first boyfriend, which in itself wouldn't have been so bad, except my mom worked at the same place..... So she found out 2 days before she left for a different place that I was gay because the manager pulled her into the office and told her what I had been going around telling everyone. I'll never forget that phone call I got from my dad soon after that telling me to come over to the house because they had something they wanted to talk to me about..... By the way, my parents DIDN'T disown me (though I think my mom still really struggles with it), and my friends felt a little weird at first, but when they realized I didn't want them, things chilled out (well maybe I wanted ONE of my best-friends during that time, but that's a story for a different thread lmao)

 

Fast-forward to now where I don't really care WHO thinks WHAT about me, I understand in some small towns or certain areas people might not have that luxury, and you still have to use caution and judgement no matter what situation you're in. But I'll put it like this...it's something I've had in the back of my mind since I was 17 and moved out of my parents house:

 

unless you're sleeping with me, or we're paying bills together, it doesn't really matter what someone thinks.....

 

Hmmm...also, this is my first post here, so I guess it would sort of count as an introduction lol...so hi everyone