Confused, feel stupid

[acfan]

Hi, I have posted once about this in the past and thought it was over. I am single, 44 and the woman is around 25. I met her as a classmate at the local university two years ago. We enjoyed each other during the class and have kept in touch ever since. I really never paid much attention to her romantically because I thought I was too old for her, but I think she has flirted with me the whole time. After the class I just assumed we would not see each other again, but she kept texting and emailing me. She has since graduated and moved about 50 miles away, but we still keep in contact. I have asked her out to get coffee, but she said she was busy. I agreed to write her a letter of recommendation for a job she is trying to get and did so. I will also be reference for her for this job. She texted me and said she would be in my area and wanted to see me, but I couldn't make it (I work nights). So, I texted last night and asked if she was going to be in my area soon and she did not respond. I feel like she is just using me now for the the reference even though this was not an issue up until a couple of months ago. I have never had the conversation of are we just friends or are you interested in dating? I honestly like her and she makes me feel so good when she texts me and flirts. I also feel like a fool when she ignores me or does not give me an answer. I have never been in an age gap relationship so this all new to me. I do not believe she is dating anybody even though I have never asked her outright. A female friend said she believes she just likes the attention I give and does not want anything else. I am afraid this might be true. When someone is too young for me I don't pay much attention to them and some woman cannot take that and make it their business to get my (or any guy not paying attention) attention and then they are satisfied. I have resolved just to keep it about the job stuff and stop interacting with her even though I really enjoy her. I feel like a clueless old dude. What do you think? Is she just flirting to be flirting? Do I need to say what's the deal?

[NANsense]

IMO a 20 year age gap (2 decades) is a bit much. Typical 20 year olds are our partying with friends, not even thinking abt marriage for another 5 years or more, and then plan to start a family....where would you fit in in that scenario? Would you plan to start a family at 50? All these times in her life that are to come & decisions that are to be made--one's that most her age haven't even considered yet--let alone know what she will want in another 5+ years.....

IMO she is being a friend--I'm not sure why you say she's "using you"? It seems she asked a classmate & friend for a recommendation--and you agreed to do that for her--it wasn't because (in her mind) she owed you anything in return....you are merely feeling that way because you wanted/hoped for something in return.

I know this isn't what you'd like to hear--but it really seems to me that she was just looking to be a friend and you misinterpreted the signals--she may be very outgoing and touchy with ppl? I don't think she meant to give you the message you got....

I hope this helps?

[lavenderdove]

There is a whole generation of 20 year olds who have grown up sending flippant/flirty texts to each other and on Facebook and online, who don't take that kind of flirting seriously and do it with everyone. So she may have no particular interest in dating you, and is just sending the typical flirty/smart arse comments that people her age/generation do.

 

So what you take as flirting with serious intent for dating may just be the age gap showing, i.e., you wouldn't converse that way with someone unless you were interested in dating, whereas she is just doing the normal kind of over the top communication that is common for young people these days. You see it all the time on facebook, where total strangers put things like 'you're hot' or 'sexxxxyyy' or 'i'd hit that' on other people's pages, but it is not serious at all and they may not even know each other.

 

So i think the only way to know is to ask her on a date, and be very clear about that, as in 'i'd like to go out with you... can i take you to dinner?' If she says no or doesn't respond or blows you off, then you have to take it that she was just doing the normal thing 20 year olds do these days when it comes to over the top flirting or sexual comments that goes nowhere and isn't serious. it could just be a difference in communication style that you see with the 'internet' generation vs. people in their 40s+.

[acfan]

I'm not sure why you say she's "using you"? It seems she asked a classmate & friend for a recommendation--and you agreed to do that for her--it wasn't because (in her mind) she owed you anything in return....you are merely feeling that way because you wanted/hoped for something in return.

I do not believe she owes me anything. She has been more in contact and more flirty since I have started helping her and a person from the organization is supposed to call me for a phone interview about her. I just was curious about it, it is not the end of the world either way. I just don't plan on putting any energy into from now on.

[NANsense]

IMO being flirty cos she did you a favor is a bit odd....not the normal way of saying "thank-you"...but I wouldn't read more into it than that.

 

In the end you did a nice deed for someone....I'm sure you have or will ask ppl for help too some day & be grateful to have their assistance....albeit you'll say TY as opposed to flirting

Chalk this up to her immaturity perhaps?

[teabee]

I think the fact that she ignores your text messages sometimes is not a positive signal (would you ignore a text from someone you were interested in?) but then again, we can only guess at what's going on in her head. A number of things could be going on. Maybe she likes you, thinks she is giving you adequate hints, and is wondering why YOU won't pursue her. Maybe she's just flirty and means nothing by it, like lavenderdove explained about the communication lines amongst some younger people. Maybe she is grateful for the job reference and is making an effort to give you more attention because you helped her out and she doesn't want to ask for a favour then ignore you. Maybe she is doing what your female friend suggested, leading you on for the attention. I think if you'd like to stop wondering, you should be brave and find out which it is. If she's interested, it would be a shame to miss connecting with her. If she's not interested, there's no shame in being confused by a woman's behaviour and asking her what she means by it. I know it's awkward, but I'm sure you could find the right wording that you'd be comfortable using.

[acfan]

In the end you did a nice deed for someone....I'm sure you have or will ask ppl for help too some day & be grateful to have their assistance....albeit you'll say TY as opposed to flirting

Chalk this up to her immaturity perhaps? /QUOTE

]

I was happy to give her a reference, I volunteered to do it. She is trying to get on in government position so it is a long process. I guess mean I think she is being extra flirty to make sure I follow through with the phone interview. I don't know. I am not saying she is a bad person for doing this, just seems coincindental. And, of course, I will give her a positive recommendation regardless of what happens personally.

[acfan]

She did answer my text today and said she has a sister nearby and might be able to get together when she visits her.

[acfan]

I think if you'd like to stop wondering, you should be brave and find out which it is. If she's interested, it would be a shame to miss connecting with her. If she's not interested, there's no shame in being confused by a woman's behaviour and asking her what she means by it. I know it's awkward, but I'm sure you could find the right wording that you'd be comfortable using.

This is the worst part of it for me. I just picture her with a shocked look saying "OMG, no, I just thought we could be friends" The other part is, like you say, what if I miss out and not ever know. I guess I am never too old to feel stupid! LOL. She is kind of shy and not super bubbly so, that makes me wonder if she is interested and I just not taking the hint. I have been going to college off and on for years and I have never had anybody stay in touch like this after we did not have college in common. I am not thinking a long term thing like the OP said, just would love to get to know her.

[NANsense]

Why not just ask "Are you flirting with me?"....a simple/curious question--her reaction should give you a clear green or red light

[lavenderdove]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained... just tell her you'd like to go out with her and would like to take her to dinner, but of course it's fine if she just wants to be friends. See what she says, and act accordingly.

 

If she says things like, 'i'll see you when i see my sister', that is not a date. You have to make it clear what you want, a date, and also clear that it is OK if she chooses not to date you and just be friends, so that it is not awkward.

 

If she's just flirting it up to try to get a reference, then not much you can do about that, and you won't hear from her after she gets a job.

[Success]

Sounds like you are reading more into it then really exists. Girls in that age range are openly flirty, especially when you can provide them with something. If she was really into you I think the degree of flirt would be magnified 10 times because people in that generation are quite open about sex/flirting etc. I would just put her on the spot and ask her out directly, but make it extra clear it would be a date date. Good luck.

[acfan]

Just an update. I told her I would come see her in her part of town and she said "oh, I wouldn't want you to come all this way, etc." so, i think that is the baseball bat accross the head. I will be friends with her, but not going to flirt or fall into that stuff. It is a shame that getting rejected never gets any easier.

[acfan]

Further update. She has a boyfriend! I have known her for 4 years and she has never mentioned this! Well, at least now I know. Thanks for all your replies and encouragement. Onward!

[acfan]

Further update. She has a boyfriend! I have known her for 4 years and she has never mentioned this! Well, at least now I know. Thanks for all your replies and encouragement. Onward!

 

I have know her for 2.5 years and she has had a boyfriend for 4 years.

[guynextdoor]

Sorry to hear Jerry, sounds like she was a natural flirt and used it to her advantage. Its ok, at least you can move on and not waste another minute my friend.