Sorry for the length, would really appreciate some advice as I'm a complete mess

[sweet rhythms]

I've posted about this guy in previous threads but a lot has happened and I wanted to start fresh.

 

I was in an undefined relationship with a guy, let’s call him J, for almost a year. We were somewhere between friends with benefits and boyfriend/girlfriend status. We had agreed we didn’t want to see other people or sleep with anyone else but each other. J has serious commitment issues stemming from being cheated on in past relationships. He was jaded, didn't believe he'd make a good boyfriend, and had low self esteem, yet he was also the kind of guy who everyone loved and was the life of the party. Despite his issues, we somehow clicked. We had a great connection and we always enjoyed the time we spent together. He was emotionally closed off in many ways yet there were times I caught glimpses of the walls coming down. I knew he had strong feelings for me and that he had trouble allowing himself to get close to someone.

 

Sometime in January, I found out that J had gone out with his friends and a woman who, according to a friend of mine who knew her, was manipulative and cunning and had a reputation for going after men who weren’t exactly available. We had met this woman back in November and at the time I wasn’t threatened. After I found out they’d hung out, I was a bit unnerved but figured he was allowed to have female friends and it was no big deal. They hung out again with his friends (all of whom I’ve met several times) in February and that same day I friended her on Facebook. He posted some pictures from the night and one was of him and her, but I wasn’t concerned until she made it her default picture. I felt like she was doing it purposefully and I ended up talking to him about the whole thing. He said he found her to be kind of shady and he wasn’t interested in her that way. During that same conversation, he told me a lot of other things, that he knew he was purposely pushing me away because he was afraid to get too close and he already felt like we were getting attached to each other. He also said that I was an anomaly because I had broken through his defenses and that he found it amazing in all the months we’d been dating we’d never fought. I think it surprised him because he’s used to dysfunctional relationships. About a week after this conversation, I was at a bar with J’s friends and one of the girls got very drunk and started rambling to me about how pretty and wonderful she thought I was and that I could probably do better than him. I took this opportunity to very subtly ask about the woman. J’s female friend told me that she thought the woman was ok, but that she had felt bad for her the night they all hung out. I asked why, and she said because the woman was all over J and J was completely ignoring her and didn’t seem to want anything to do with her. This coupled with my conversation with J a week earlier made me believe that he wasn’t interested in her and I needed to let it go.

 

The point I’m getting to is that I started putting distance between us after this conversation. I stopped initiating plans and I wasn’t as communicative as I had been before. I think I was trying to protect myself from inevitable heartbreak. Then one night in March, I texted him to hang out, and he seemed up for it but then I never heard back from him later that night. I found out, through looking at the woman’s Facebook page, that he was out with her and he had obviously wanted to keep it a secret because there wasn’t anything on his page about it. To make matters worse, a couple days later I found out that he had apparently made out with her. I was so hurt and confused that I just deleted him off Facebook and never talked to him again. It’s now been six weeks and I haven’t heard from him. He made a lame attempt at communication through a website we both frequent but nothing direct. I got drunk on Sunday and texted him to wish him a happy Easter but never heard back. I don’t know what to think. I feel awful for just cutting him out but I was acting from an emotional place rather than a rational one. I don’t believe he’s just a jerk who played me but I can’t understand why he wouldn’t reach out in all these weeks. At this point I realize it’s probably too late but I really want to write him an email. I was hoping for advice on whether that’s a good idea or not. I realize from my post it sounds like this guy is a complete ass, but I don't have the space to write about all the little details of our relationship. It was complicated, but I knew he had strong feelings for me, and I feel like that's all diminished by the rest of my post.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but I would really appreciate some advice.

[SugarSkull]

I think that you need closure. So, if sending him an email will give you that closure I think you should do it. You should ask him what happened with this girl, as well and explain why you disappeared. Although, I'm sure he already knows. But, from what you've said, it just doesn't seem like he's the right guy for you and maybe this is for the best. But, closure is very important so make sure you get it.

[sweet rhythms]

I definitely need closure. I don't think it's as simple as saying that he was interested in her but not as much in me, rather I think there were other factors at play that I wasn't able to mention in my original post. I don't imagine he'll be upfront with me about what happened with her though. I mean, considering I haven't heard from him in weeks, I somehow doubt that I'm even still on his mind.