General Question: If you're boyfriend is trying to change you...why am I unhappy

[divz21]

If you're boyfriend is trying to change you...to reform you into a better person and you have full trust in them that they have you're interests at heart... why do I feel so crap.. and unhappy?....

[teabee]

A lot of people have my best interests at heart but would make a TERRIBLE mess of my life if they got to choose what they thought would be best for me, because only I can know what's best for me and can make those things happen for myself.

 

I would like to hear more of what's going on with your boyfriend, because it sounds concerning. You would probably get more helpful answers too if you want to share more details.

[FathomFear]

why do I feel so crap.. and unhappy?....

 

If you're boyfriend is trying to change you...

 

I think you answered your own question. I just reordered the sequence of your comments to emphasis that.

 

If someone tried to "change" me I would find that extremely patronizing. I mean, sure, I'm very open to criticism and recommendations. But that's not the same as someone playing the role of a pseudo guidance counselor because they don't respect you.

[velvette]

you feel unhappy because it's YOUR life! your boyfriend, no matter whose interests he has at heart, is not you. only you can decide to change, if you even want to become a "better" (?!?!) person. you are not his dog, you are an individual with mastery over your own decisions/paths/PERSONALITY. plus, him trying to change you as if he knows better says two things: 1) he doesn't love and accept you the way you are, 2) he thinks he's smarter/knows better than you. not enough respect there to be a decent boyfriend, imo!

[Jd1983]

Well what is it exactly that he is trying to change about you?

[agent1607307371]

Why do you think you're not a good person already, and how do you know your bf knows what a better person is?

 

Or by better person do you mean someone who is more what he wants, and less what is actually you.

[divz21]

Ok.. he wants me to be more "classy"... be more aware of what is around me.. i dont really know much in terms of general knowledge...

a change that I did do which I actually didnt mind and I enjoy is shopping for expensive clothes...

 

I am a genuinely good person but he says im lost.. im too nice of a person and people can take advantage.. i feel like i have different personalities towards my friends and him. My friends see me as a bright spark and im confident around my friends... but when he talks about famous people or places i really dont know much about it.....

 

Major changes I believe he wants is: clothes i wear, how I carry myself, and my general knowledge..

Hes not just my boyfriend he has been my best friend for 12 years of my life...he has always guided me.. but i guess things have changed since hes become my boyfriend...

[agent1607307371]

Does he do it in a positive way, or does he make you feel bad? Deliberately make you feel bad?

 

And is he paying for the clothes?

 

Seriously, I would be very cautious about anyone who knew me so long, got with me and then wanted to change me.

[divz21]

no hes really sweet about everything...yes he has bought me clothes and i've liked them i look different more professional more my age and I do like the new look I have now..but after that I have been buying expensive clothes myself... he never makes me feel bad or does it in a horrible way hes always nice about it... he knew me for so long as a friend but we werent as close as we are now...I don't believe he knew me as well as he thought he did... he says he loves me the way I am... but I have potential to be better...

[divz21]

in myself... because I dont know if I really need to change or not.. i was happy before.. but new clothes make me feel different and even more happier that I can pull off different styles...

[divz21]

but if he says I have potential to be better then i would like to try to be better in general for myself.. but then on the other hand.. im worried that i may change so much that I look in the mirror and I dont see myself anymore...I see someone else..

[rocio]

You can't get any better than your true self.

 

If you were interested in famous people, then you would have taken the time to learn about them. Clearly that's not an interest of yours so don't waste your time trying to learn about things that interest someone else. I'm sure there are things you know about that he doesn't right? Your life is meant for you.

[agent1607307371]

Better is a very nebulous thing.

[TakingtheBlame]

Several years ago I dated an older guy who seemed smitten with me, only to start making little jabs at me as time went on. It could be anything from "You listen to some really childish music" (I was really big on metal) to "Why can't you wear shoes like an adult when we go out and not those dumb red sneakers?" (we were going to a local pub). When I started to talk back, he lashed out at me verbally and dumped me the next day.

 

Looking back, I'm glad he let me go, because I let him make me feel insecure and inferior instead of realizing what an abusive, twisted douche he was. A boyfriend is not put on this earth to judge you and to mold you to fit his own criteria for success in life. A boyfriend is supposed to complement who you already are. If he doesn't like who you are, he is free to leave, and has no right to make you feel bad about who you are!

[divz21]

Thanks definitely needed that... i spoke to him about it and he said im sorry you dont have to change everything I say if you feel its right for you.. do it.. if you dont you can tell me to shut up.. so I felt better about that...