When things are going too well

[Tanzi]

Do you ever feel that things are going too well and that something is, therefore, bound to go wrong? That is what I am feeling right now.

 

I am so happy with my bf. I love him so much and he tells me how much he loves me ... and much, much more besides ... yet sometimes I think they are just words and that he is only saying them because he knows it is what I want to hear. I know it hurts him when I admit this to him yet he is patient with me because he knows I went through a lot when my marriage broke down. However, I am sure I will eventually push him away if I can't learn to believe in him totally.

 

How do you learn to trust again? How do you learn to believe in someone when they tell you how they feel about you? Why do I feel I don't deserve to be happy?

[abitbroken]

why not just enjoy things?

[fire2therain]

I know how you feel. It's kind of like the calmness before the storm. I think it depends on how you learn to trust again. For me, I had to forgive myself before I could even forgive others and trust again. I've had trust issues my whole life, and I'm not sure if I've ever truly recovered. When it comes to relationships with my boyfriends and friends, I guess I cared so much about them that I had to tell myself to trust them--otherwise the relationship wouldn't work. It's hard for me to believe that someone actually cares about me because my whole life my mentality has been "whoever loves you will always leave you". The answers to your questions go way deeper than people realize imo. Do you think there could possibly be undermining issues that you aren't realizing?

[slammin16]

It takes a long time to trust someone again... you say he says a lot of sweet things but actions speak louder then words. how does he show you he loves you?

 

And yes Agree with bitbroken, just enjoy things for now

[professorplum]

I have had the impression you were / are so happy in your current relationship that it surprises me that you are highlighting these concerns. How long have they existed? I do know what you mean that sometimes they only feel like words but he is surely proving how much he loves you through actions? It sounds a little like you are punishing yourself for being too happy almost which is crazy. As abitbroken implies many people would love to be in your position and I am wondering if there is a particular incident or comment which has sparked this anxiety. I am not sure there is a simple way of learning to trust again - that is down to the individual. You have shown so much care, concern and wisdom to other people on these boards, I would hate to see you do what you fear: push your bf away. Is there someone else you can talk to about this I wonder. I don't think you should keep raising these concerns with your bf as he might find this too upsetting - as if you don't love him enough yourself.

Try and highlight how your life has improved since you had him in your life and what you would miss if he was not around. Believe what he says until you have good reason to think otherwise. Keep posting here if it helps.

[Tanzi]

I wish I could just enjoy things. For the most part I am extremely happy but every so often this feeling overwhelms me.

 

He shows me that he loves me simply by the way he is with me. I can honestly say I have never felt so loved but, for reasons I don't quite get, I sometimes feel it is all too good to be true.

 

I don't think there are any underlying issues, fire2therain, because I never had these issues before or even during my marriage.

[AutumnBorn]

Forget his words, watch what he does. The truth is in his actions.

[Tanzi]

Thank your prof!! I am honestly very happy. It is like I am bouncing along on cloud 9 and then ... thud ... I hit some kind of obstacle and I come crashing back down to earth again. The anxiety, I think, comes from my broken marriage. I was plodding happily along then and, out of the blue, my ex-husband told me he was leaving. Both his family and my family were shocked ... everyone thought we were extremely happy despite the fact that he had left me once before. After a while I discovered he was leaving me for another woman, even though he had convinced me otherwise in the beginning, and I had to watch as this other woman moved into my home and snatched my life from me. For months afterwards I wondered what I had done so wrong that this had to happen to me when I was being the best wife and mother that I could be. I felt I was being punished and that, therefore, I needed to be punished, and I guess I can't shake that feeling that I deserve to be punished. Did I do something wrong? Was I a bad person? Am I still a bad person?

 

This relationship eventually ended and his now ex-gf told me that he had been having an affair with someone else during the latter part of our marriage (since we got back together the first time). Basically the majority of, if not all of, my marriage was a lie. My husband was lying to me and I didn't have a damn clue.

 

My bf is 15 years younger than me and although the age gap isn't an issue as such it, nevertheless, heightens any other issues there may be.

[Tanzi]

Forget his words, watch what he does. The truth is in his actions.

 

Over and over again his actions show me he loves me. I actually feel terribly guilty for feeling like this. He doesn't deserve for me to hurt him and I know it upsets him that I feel this way.