Break-up Intimidation: Guilt-Trips by Voicemail

[sayer7]

Well if you've been following my posts, the last week in July (the week prior leaving for vacation) I told him I was no longer living with him and gave him until August 1st to see how many times he put in the effort to see me at my apartment 15 minutes down the road... he never came. And then Saturday he left on our vacation without me, knowing full well I was living in my apartment again full-time.

 

Thursday evening he calls and leaves a voicemail to call him back, but I don't get the message until Friday morning- at which time I call him back. The first thing he says to me is not hello but "So how many guys have you [been with] since I been away?" I ignore it and ask what's up. He says he's coming home Saturday evening around midnight- 1am and that he wants me to be there waiting for them and also sleep over. I tell him no but that I might come over Sunday. The last thing he says is "Unlike you I missed you." I say bye.

 

Saturday evening around 8pm he calls and I'm online so my voicemail picks up right away and he knows I'm online. His voicemail says "I guess you're too busy [being with] all those guys online to get my call. Just called to let you know we got a late start and we won't be there until 2-3am. Not that you'd care."

 

I WAS going to drop by today to say hello and tell him I broke up with him, but he's left so many mean things and guilt-trips on my voicemail I really have no desire to. I've decided, that his whole reason for wanting me waiting for him when he got home, and visiting him today is just to say "Look I've won, I got you back to my place. You lost, I have complete control over you." A mentality I really don't want to encourage.

 

I've waited ALL week for him to return to tell him to his face it's over-- but if I go to HIS place today to do this I'm afraid he's going to try to verbally and emotionally bully me while I do this.

 

What should I do? Wait to see if he comes to visit at my place to tell him, and if not, tell him over the phone--- or go to his place and just tough it out while I tell him it's over???

[CarterJonas]

Hello Sayer,

 

Don't put to much pressure on yourself; surely he must know that there is something wrong with the relationship by now.

 

Breaking up is not easy to do, whether you are the dumpee or the one finishing the relationship. I suspect that he already knows what is on the way, so it won't be of total shock to him when he is told.

 

Could you give him a call and ask to meet him. Remember to stick to your guns. If you don't feel comfortable with this, then as you say the phone is another option. I think that the important thing is that he is told; and not whether it is over the phone or in person.

 

good luck

[sayer7]

He's been the kind of person to fein ignorance to any problems we've ever had that I've tried to address with him just so that he can say "I haven't had any problem with the relationship but I know you hate me, so why don't you just dump me like the rest of them. You were the one I wanted to marry and be with the rest of my life so if you do leave me I'll kill myself."

 

He's said this spiel so many times I'm really sick of hearing it.

[CarterJonas]

Surely he must have seen problems with the relationship for him to take somebody else with him, and not you, on holiday.

 

I think that couples should only be together, if that what both of them wanted. Usually when couples beak up it is because of the wishes of one of the persons involved.

 

I don't think that you should stay with him out of guilt. If he has friends and family around him then he will be ok, whatever he might be telling you.

 

I havent done this myself, but I know of people whom have threatened to kill themselves when their relationship broke up; and guess what, they are still alive, probably stronger people, and in new relationships. So don't let this put you off if it's what you want.

[sayer7]

He has a case history of just leaving without saying anything or inviting me to go with-- and his excuse when he gets back is usually "I can't help that I'm spontaneous." This time with this vacation i was lucky enough to find out he was taking someone else the day earlier... which meant I had time to tell my boss I wasn't going to be taking vacation the next week afterall like I'd said I was going to months ago.

 

He's the kind of guy who would rather go out partying with friends than drive an hour to see me at the hospital to help me through major tumor surgery knowing I had no one else to drive me to the hospital or home after my 3 day hospital stay. His excuse was "I was so stressed about you I needed to go have a drink with my friends instead of being with you and getting more stressed."

 

He's just a jerk like that.

[ComputerGuy]

That's pretty bad, If my girl was in that state, you'd have to drag me away from her bedside

[CarterJonas]

From what you have said I have to agree with you.

 

He cannot threaten to kill himself, saying that the relationship is perfect, when he treats the relationship as he does, especially with you going to hospital.

 

I take you have told him all of this and he still hasn't changed?

[Scout]

I cannot believe you haven't dumped him yet, Sayer. I am going to be very blunt here because I think deep down you are a great gal who just somehow fell in love with the wrong guy: please get your spine back and kick this guy to the curb! He has treated you like absolute garbage, why are you still holding on to this?? Who cares how you do it - call him right now and tell him it's over and don't wait for his protests, hang up! And don't look back and second guess your decision. You have posted so many times about the unbelievable things this guy has done to you, I don't understand what you are holding on to this non-relationship for. Enough already!! Nobody deserves to be treated the way this guy treats you, and you're letting him get away with it.

[lady00]

wow...seems like he's being a jerk. I don't think confronting him in person would be the best thing for you. Normally, I wouldn't advise this but this isn't a normal situation. I think you should dump him over the phone. I know it's best to break up in person but that's only if you feel that you would be comfortable and that the other person won't be able to bully or convince you to change your mind. Over the phone, just tell him it's over and if he starts trying to bully you, just hang up. I know it seems rude but he isn't treating you very nicely and if you want things to end, you just have to pull the plug. good luck!