Did I Blow It? (Jump to last two paragraphs if you don't want the full story)

[MrBrightside15]

Right now I don't feel as horrible as I did when she broke up with me, but this is the worst I've felt in a long time. I feel like I've been dumped all over again.

 

We're 22 were together 4 years, but friends since we were kids. Madly in love the whole time we were together. People told us that our relationship was like a fairy tale, it was so sweet. We started living together last May. In December we're talking about getting married, then January she breaks up with me. No one reason in particular. Things like she felt trapped, wanted independence, felt like she was missing out on being single. I was blindsided and devastated, obviously.

 

I'd never been in this situation before, so I didn't know how to handle it. I made a lot of mistakes. I didn't do any begging or pleading, or trying to win her back by buying gifts. My biggest mistake at first was trying to talk it out with her. I just didn't understand, so I would try and have her explain to me how she all of a sudden couldn't be in love with me anymore. Of course, that didn't work. I still didn't do NC, even when I found out she'd started seeing a new, older guy. I get all my stuff out of the apartment, then all thru Feb and half of March I hung on, talking to her and trying to see her. We were on the same coed vball team so I saw her at least once a week. She was usually pretty good about it. We would talk before bed and had some really good conversations, just like when we were together.

 

One night in early March, she texts me and tells me she is really sick. Sending all these texts about how horrible she feels, so I ask if she's going to be okay. She asks if I would come stay with her for the night. Against my better judgment I did, but I was happy to at the same time. Over the next couple days I would text her and ask how she's doing. The third day of doing this, she got irritated and told me to stop. The next day we had vball then went out with the team after, and she really rubbed it in. She was texting her new guy the whole time, and really making it seem like she's loving life without me. This is when I said for the first time, screw it I'm doing NC. We didn't have vball for two weeks, so I decided that would be the next time I talk to her.

 

For 10 days I don't say anything, then she starts talking to me. She starts messaging me over FB, asking how I am and what I've been up to. Pretty casual. At vball she seemed quite friendly to me, especially compared to the last time. We ended up talking on the phone that night and the next as well. As I said, we'd had phone conversations before, but this time it was different. Her voice was softer and kinder, and she was noticeably happier to talk to me. She tells me she's been really lonely and missed talking to me lately. The second night I ask her if she's still seeing the new guy, and she said yes. I told her I can't carry on these friendly conversations if they're still together. She said she understood. That week at vball, it was our last game and the team went for ice cream after. After that, I decided to make a move and invite her to my place to hot tub it. She said she would, so late that night she came over and sat in the hot tub with me, something we did a lot before. It started casual, then I made a move. I grabbed her and put her on my lap and started kissing her. We made out for a little bit, then she pulled away saying she couldn't and wasn't comfortable with it. The rest of that night we talked about us. She starts crying, saying she misses me, feels horrible for everything she's done, has been lonely, and is really confused about her feelings. I asked her why she came over and she said she really wanted to see me, and she was fully aware we would probably end up kissing. I told her how much I missed her, but that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. This wasn't really true, but I said it to match the vibes she was sending. I asked where we go from here, and she said to take it one day at a time and to continue talking.

 

Over the next few weeks, starting at the end of March, we continue having these friendly conversations and agreeing to meet up. She continues to be responsive and happy to see me. We go to a concert together and she lets me put my arm around her and slow dance with her, etc. Things seem to be going well. I even post on here about what I should do next. I don't ask about the other guy; I just focus on me and her and try to get her back.

 

I build up a dependency on her again. The days we don't talk are agonizing, and when we do talk or see each other it's never enough. I also start to worry, because I seemed to have stopped making progress with her. She's not initiating contact like I expected her to, and when we get together she started to hold back again it seemed. Yesterday, she suggested we hang out with these two friends we've known forever and who we always used to double date together with. I took this as a good sign. We rented a movie and watched it. She doesn't say much the whole time, she sits by herself and is texting the whole time. When our friends leave, I stay behind to talk. I'm really concerned at this point, so I ask her what is going on between us. Eventually she says she's been talking to me because she doesn't want to lose having me in her life, but doesn't want a relationship with me. She said she's still seeing the other guy, and that they've actually been spending more time together recently, when I thought they were spending less. I tell her that's not what I want. Friendship is not the kind of relationship I want with her, and that if I can't be with her we just shouldn't talk. That's not how she wants it to be she says, but accepts it. It gets really late, so she says I should go and we'll talk about it another time. She'll say things like she doesn't think we can ever get back together, or that she's moved on, but her actions speak differently. Not talking to me for a week and a half was enough for her to swallow her pride and contact me last time, and it was a huge mistake to jump back into things so soon. She got comfortable again, because I continued to be around. I should also mention that the guy she's been seeing is a pilot, so he's gone all the time. This has really prolonged the honeymoon stage of their relationship. She say's they're not serious enough to be his "girlfriend" but that she really likes him.

 

I feel like I'm right back to where I started, with her choosing him over me. I've got to do it right this time. The only question is, is it too late? Is it too late to try and start from the top and go NC? Have I already made too big a mess out of it? Starting today, I fully intend to do the regular 30 days of NC. I can't put myself on this roller coaster ride anymore, even though I miss her so much. I just wish I would have done NC from the start. Instead I feel like I've wasted the last three months, and may have ruined my chances with her for good. I woke up this morning after a sleepless night and just wanted to call her and making everything better, but I knew i wouldn't. One last thing, the couple we saw last night are getting married this summer, and at the end of May the wedding party is going to Las Vegas. We're both in the wedding, so we'll be there together. I was hoping we could be back together by then and enjoy the trip without the awkwardness. Now, I just hope I can be around her without all the pain.

[NCforME]

It looks like she might already be gone. So its up to you how long you want take this. There is always something you can do. But it depends how much time you want to waste trying. If you do talk to her again you have to not be pushy let her do all the talking. The way you feel doesn't mean much anymore. She knows how you feel. If she thinks you understand her better than anyone, my guess is that she would want you. But that being said she is in a romantic relationship now which is tough position because as we all know they are fun. I would say you can talk to her if you can handle it emotionally. Otherwise stand clear. That means listening to anything she has to say. You may not be capable of this which why many people do NC. So you have to decide how much effort your really willing to put in at this point.

 

I think many people think being friendly would turn a girl off but I think they are confusing meeting someone and reconnecting with someone. But this is 1000 X times harder when there is someone else because they have someone. My guess would be that you should probably just forget her and find someone new. But its up to you.

[trezeralietas]

I'm so sorry MrBrightside! I am going through a similar situation with my husband, though there is no other woman at the moment. However, everything else is the same--hot and cold, a desire to have me as a friend but nothing more, putting himself in a place where he knows it is likely to result in romantic actions, etc.

 

As soon as I can get all of my stuff moved out of our apartment on Tuesday, I am going NC. For good.

 

In my humble opinion, that's what you should do too. But just know, you don't go NC so you can win back your partner. You go NC because you accept that you are no longer what they want and you can't go on being their "friend" or support. You've already crossed way over the friend bridge...it's hard to get back in that place. It's not fair to expect that of you either. Go NC because you want to get over her. You can't do it with any thought toward reconciling in the future. That is not to say that things might not change in the future, but they definitely will not if you don't give yourself a chance to heal, grow, and change without her, and give her a chance to miss you.

 

I am so sorry. I feel your pain. Keep your chin up and respect yourself. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too. I understand the desperate pain of the situation and how it feels impossible. Have faith in yourself. It'll be okay.