Am I doing the right thing???

[rich46]

Hi,

 

Brief recap of my situation. I met my ex after a month at University and we were together for 3 and a half years. The last year we have lived about 100 miles apart. Same old story, we always agreed that we were meant for eachother, soulmates, lucky to have found eachother etc. However, the last few months she has acted pretty distant with me. So I confronted her about it and she said "No you are not being paranoid I have tried to distance myself recently...it's not about other men just my state of mind...i do love you but i feel I need some time and space...not having to answer to anyone."

 

She was adamant that she wanted to stay "best friends" and I went along with this for about a week. It drove me crazy though, so I rang her back and told her I couldn't just switch to being best friends overnight. So I told her that it's best if we have some time without any contact. She sounded miffed at this but deep down she probably understands why. Plus she did say she needed time and space, so now she has it. Before I told her this it was like we were still going out with eachother - speaking every day, texting etc.

 

Anyway, back to the present.

 

I am struggling today. I am having major doubts about whether I am doing the right thing. What does everyone else think? Am I right to have told her No Contact?

 

I'm usually the first to tell others that No Contact is the only way to go. So I'm not really sure why I am having these doubts. I think it is because:

 

-she didn't cheat on me,

-she is obviously confused,

-she has hinted that she still sees us together with confusing statements like "I can't guarantee anything but there is still hope for us"

-she still has my photo on display in her room/valentines cards on her wall (at least she did when i last saw her 1 week after the break up)

 

If she had turned around to me and said "I don't love you anymore and I never want to see you again" then I could probably move on. I would have less of a problem doing No Contact - that is why I advise others to do it if their situation dictates it.

 

I still want to be with her though and I'm worried that in this time apart she will move on and almost forget about me in a way. I have nagging doubts that I should stay in touch with her via phone calls and texts so if she changes her mind it will be easier for her to tell me?

 

It has only been nearly 2 weeks since we last had contact. I'm kind of disappointed she hasn't contacted me BUT I did ask for some time and I told her I would text her when I felt ready.

 

I don't know what to do now. At the moment I'm thinking give it another couple of weeks and then send her a text saying "How are you?" something along those lines. What does everyone else think? On the other hand though, I may end up back at square one after I initiate contact.

 

I am really really confused today. Am I doing the right thing?

 

I guess I just need some reassurance and/or someone to tell me I am going about this the wrong way. It is easy for someone to say move on, but I honestly believe we were meant for eachother and it isn't perfectly clear whether or not she feels the same (although she's said it enough in the past).

 

Thanks a lot everyone for reading and hopefully offering some advice,

 

Rich

[rnorth]

I applaud you for making a tough decision. Its more assertive and displays a sign of strenght towards her so I think you are doing the right thing.

 

I can only imagine how nerve-wracking it must be for you. Is she distancing hersefl further with NC, or is it driving her crazy also? But there comes a point where you have to take pride in yourself and know that you are doing the right thing for yourself. Remember, she initiated this. I would wager that she is also stir crazy with the same apprehensions as you.

 

If you feel that you need to contact her, make it brief and try not to show weakness. The best way to do this is truly being strong for yourself.

 

Keep up the good fight, my friend.

[caveat]

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. Chasing after her will at best elongate the cycle she is going through and at worst, drive her away. Respect her request and focus on yourself. She'll in turn respect you for it, and regardless of how things go, you will look back and respect yourself for having handled it properly.

 

Good luck.

 

Caveat

[rich46]

I can only imagine how nerve-wracking it must be for you. Is she distancing hersefl further with NC, or is it driving her crazy also? But there comes a point where you have to take pride in yourself and know that you are doing the right thing for yourself. Remember, she initiated this. I would wager that she is also stir crazy with the same apprehensions as you.

Well she originally told me she needed "time and space" and "to be single for a while" about a month ago. For 1 week afterwards we stayed in contact, texted eachother, spoke to eachother - I even travelled the 100 miles to see her on her birthday. The aim of that visit was to clarify things and hopefully she would change her mind when she saw me.

 

However it didn't work out like that, and although we had a great time bowling and stuff, I felt even more devastated when I left. So the following day I rang her and told her that I couldn't be strung along like this, and I couldn't just switch to being best friends as it was driving me crazy! I told her I would ring her in 1 week.

 

That week passed and I know she tried to ring me at least once. That week really helped me and when we spoke for about an hour, I sounded a lot more confident - certainly not the blubbering person I was just 7 days earlier. In fact it was HER who cried a few times, saying how it was so difficult not to just pick up the phone and text me etc.

 

Anyway, I enjoyed talking to her but I said how I need some time without contact to move forward in life, and I also reminded her that she originally asked for space - now we both need it for slightly different reasons. I left it at that, saying I would text her when I felt more ready. Again she sounded miffed at this and said "I'll speak to you whenever then."

 

So there we have it. That was nearly 2 weeks ago and neither one of us have contacted the other. Obviously my mind is constantly racing with thoughts of what is she up to, is she thinking about me a lot, does she regret her decision, etc. What should I do next?

 

Thanks for replying rnorth and caveat, I really appreciate it. Have you got any more advice? Also, is there any other people who could offer their opinion on my situation?

 

Thanks everyone,

 

Rich

[Michael2]

Im going to be blunt.

 

When someone says they need space and time to be alone, and at the same time says, lets still be best of friends. They are practically saying, Ill continue to talk to you until I find someone else.

 

If she had turned around to me and said "I don't love you anymore and I never want to see you again"

Ther will never say this , trust me. Why would they? BEcause they know, when life takes a turn, they will need you to make them feel better, so in turn they keep you on a leash.

 

Time to move on, stop pondering your actions. If you think what you are doing is wrong, and that you are going to lose her by not contacting her, then you are doing the right thing.

 

Let her realize the grass isnt greener.

[caveat]

Take a look in the mirror. What do you see? Do you see a whole, confident person, or a fractured, vulnerable person? Unless you have ice running through your veins, its the latter.

 

So guess what its time to do? Its time to step up and earn your stripes my friend. You need to take whatever steps necessary to get yourself up on your feet and moving forward. There is not a moment to waste. It will hurt like a sunuvab*tch, it won't be easy, you will have your weak moments, but you need to be resolute and strong. Most men fail or fall short of the mark, but those who don't are the ones who come out on the other side stronger than before. Strength breeds confidence, confidence parallels a high sense of self-worth and the mixture of all those things is something people can sense a mile away.

 

How do you do this? She wants to go her own way...you go yours. She's expecting you to look back. Don't. If she knows you are sitting on your hands waiting and hoping she knows the safety net is still there.

 

Its times like these that define who you are. Whatever the outcome may be you want to be able to look back years from now and say, "I did it right. I'm proud of how I handled that tough time in my life." There is no need to be vindictive or resentful, that will just take energy thats better focused elsewhere.

 

Identify a few things in your life that you always thought would be cool to try out or explore...and do them. Don't set such high expectations or goals for yourself that make achievement/accomplishment unrealistic. I've found that setting a number of goals with a mix of short term and long term lifespans is a great combination. Knocking down the short term goals builds up your confidence and gives you momentum and stamina to continue working toward the long term goals. And mix up the type of goals...social, educational, athletic, etc. You'll find that you're so busy that you don't have time to think about feeling sorry for yourself.

 

If you find yourself sitting on the couch or laying in bed feeling sorry for yourself get your a** up and MOVE! Great quote from Shawshank Redemption "Get busy living, or get busy dying".

 

Caveat