HELP! My girlfriend needs time, so I am heartbroken

[IGotKostners]

I met my girlfriend last October. She was in the midst of a 3 year relationship when I met her (her first long relationship and first love). We worked together at a restaurant, so we began to get to know each other well. The more we worked together, the closer we got, and the more we talked. After I got to know her a little bit, she would talk about her boyfriend at the time. She always said how she knew she didn't want to be with him anymore and how he treated her poorly. I just was a shoulder to cry on until I started realizing that I was developing feelings for her.

 

The feelings that were developing were mutual and we started hanging out more and more. One night a month later, we were hanging out and we kissed a little bit. Then, I asked her out on a date a week later while she was still with her boyfriend. She accepted hesitantly and we went to a nice dinner. It was an absolutely fantastic date. The night just went by so well. The conversation was great, and I really felt a connection with her. She stayed with me that night, broke up with her boyfriend the next day, and has been with me ever since.

 

Things were going great, until they hit a slight bump in May. We had both told each other how much we loved each other, but in May, she started having doubts in her head. She was saying that the doubts were not whether she loved me or wanted to be with me, but they were other things that she couldn't understand. She got over these feelings over a couple of days and things were fine again.

 

The next few months were incredible. We grew closer and closer every day, and she and I were head over heels in love with each other. Things were fine until late July. She started acting very strange one night. She usually comes over my house after work on that night, but instead she was very short with me, and told me she was tired and wanted to go home. She then avoided me basically all day long the next day. I went to see her the next night to find out what the problem was and I found out that she lied to me the night before and went over her ex boyfriend's to talk about things with him.

 

Here is my problem. She tells me now that she never had time to get over her ex boyfriend at all. She was in a relationship for 3 years, and then all of a sudden, jumped into a relationship with me for 8 months. She says now that she still thinks about her ex sometimes whenever she sees or talks to him and feels bad. She keeps reiterating to me that she has absolutely no intentions of getting back together with him, and that I am so much more amazing and better than her ex. But she still says, now that she needs time and space alone, where she is not dating anybody to get over her ex boyfriend, and get these thoughts out of her head.

 

She keeps telling me that she doesnt' even think about these thoughts ever when she is with me, but then when she is alone, they come back. I know that she is overanalyzing everything, and I know in my heart that she loves me very much. But what is the problem? And what should I do?

 

I told her that I was so in love with her that I would be willing to do anything to make things work. If giving her space is what she needs, than I am willing to do that, but how long am I supposed to sit around and wait for? Is this something that goes away in one month? Or is it something that takes longer? And who is to say that if we do get back together, these feelings she is having will not happen again?

 

I just want my girlfriend back. The one who is incredibly in love with me, and the one who I am incredibly in love with. I know that she is hurting too, so is there any way that I can get her back soon? Or do I have to wait until she is over things, and hope that I am not over her when/if she wants to come back? And my biggest problem at all is...how do I handle this situation without letting us grow too far apart? I still want to see her, but I don't want to invade on her space in this time, so she actually gets some thinking done and will want to come back to me soon! Please help me. Any response is very much appreciated. I am so in love and so heartbroken right now that I do not know what to do. I can't sleep at night because I am thinking about her all the time. HELP!

[bzborow1]

how do I handle this situation without letting us grow too far apart?

 

Aye, there's the rub...I suppose. IMO it sounds like you two are just seeing too much of each other, you know? Is it possible that you are smothering her? Giving her too much attention? Too many I love you's? Giving her whatever she wants? My only fear is that maybe you have become a "wuss" over time, and us guys have all been there. By wuss I mean someone who bends over backwards for their gf...i'm not just talking about being there for someone, i mean gifts, doing whatever she wants, when she wants to...etc.

 

The reason I bring this up is that all those activities end up doing the opposite of what we intend, they make us the opposite of a challenge. And once you are no longer a challenge, you lose your attractiveness to her...sure there's "affection", but not to be confused with attraction. In other words, have you been doing any of these things which could lessen her attraction for and overtime she starts thinking..."geez i need space" instead of just breaking up with you? I just wanted to throw this out there...

 

Which brings me back the the beginning. There really is nothing you can do to control this situation (her) and that's what's driving you mad. Honestly, the best thing you can do is completely ignore her for a while...if she wants space...she gets FULL SPACE. Not to be rude about it or anything....but this is what she wants, so she gets it....i stay keep busy, start doing other things, spend more time with friends, etc....and the part that really sucks is that if she does want you...she'll come and find you...but my advice would be to NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES bring up anything about "love you", "do anything for you", etc........

 

That's my two cents.

 

Bill

[rnorth]

What she is going through is real. Give her space. In fact, become more independent and she will come running back to you. Make plans for every night this next week and don't break them for her. Let her know you care, but don't be so available.

 

She does have things to work out, but make sure to honor yourself as well.

[shockeddismayed]

Kostners...

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. But as you can see many of us "nice guys" have ended up in your situation. We should make up a saying about "nice guys" lol.

 

Anyway.. I agree with the others. The first thing you need to do is start NC. Be very busy. Use your absense and BRIEF friendly interactions to remind her of her own feelings for you.

 

Don't even dream of trying to work through her issues WITH her. You aren't married... and in the grand scheme of things have dated only a short while. She'll need to be a whole person (having achieved that by HERSELF) before she is worthy of a good guy like you. Let her prove that to you by her actions... let her grow on her own two legs. Not with your support, or her EXes. She sounds like she hasn't had much time to be alone and figure herself out in the last 4 years. If she is young, there is NOTHING that can speed her maturation process. Many girls (and guys) need to go through this.

 

In the meantime you focus on yourself. Build up your own confidence. Learn a new sport... work out... yada yada... you've heard it before.

 

If she contacts you your only job is to "keep the door open" a pinch. Don't swing it open and invite her in. What this means is being friendly, complimenting her, but NEVER talking relationship, unless she brings it up, and NEVER exposing the depth of your feelings until well after she has.

 

The reality is that even though you feel you would "wait forever" for this girl, you CAN NOT. Nobody can. What you can do is leave that door cracked a bit forever... but that means you must live your life and be open to meeting someone else... regain your confidence and your self. Let the rest fall into place with time.

 

Telling her you will wait forever is most likely going to make her TAKE FOREVER. Trust me... I am in that very situation.

 

PS... It will take her longer than 1 month to mature... I am telling you that flat out... so use your time wisely for yourself.

 

All of this can work out for you... just continue to live healthy.

[detox5]

Dude you have to do EXACTLY what i say, do you want it to be a year or later down the line. my gf did EXACLY the same to me, what shes doing to you.

The only thing is, is to respect wat she wants and let her be for now, please please please please dont do what i did, i cared too much for her, worry about her to an extent that every time we would talk i would mess things up, with my feeeligns and making it worse, that resulting in her not talking to me for a few weeks or months, then we would talk again AND I WOULD BLOODY DO IT AGAIN.

 

Its commin up to a year now, since we broke, bnut I truly believe if I had the know,ledge i now do, i would have had her back when she got her self sorted.

 

THe more u bug her and chase her, the outcome comes unbareable, u dont wanna wait a year for her do u? If u love her u prolly would, but im saying just let her be, I know it seems my ex has had her problems sorted out, and seems happy, so why not try things back with me?

because i was too much of a bug, all i do now is wait, dude what ever u do please IM i SOOOOO dont want u to go through my mistakes, its horrible that road, the worse fear and scared and pain i have ever been in.

I was in an emotional prison for like 4 months, didnt wanna eat sleep do anything, i was soo devesated and couldnt pick up, this was all because i would get hurt because she would ignore my calls and stuff BECAUSE i was too buggy and she needed time, so please IM if you want help I want u to learn from my mistakes, if you want the help.

[IGotKostners]

Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it. I just thought I would update everyone. I actually started the NC as of Tuesday night. That was the last time that we spoke. Until today, she called me up. I didn't answer on purpose, and listened to her message. She sounded a little down. I waited about 2 hours and called her back. I was really upbeat when I was talking to her. Her reason for calling me was that she was watching Sex and the City and she couldnt' stop thinking about me. It was nice. We just chatted small talk for a while, until she brought up that she was miserable without me and that she couldnt stop thinking about me and she didn't know what to do.

 

I just responded real upbeat telling her that she needed this time to sort things out, so she should just do her best to try and get her mind off everything. I also told her that I will fully support her along the way and she always has me to call if she ever needs to talk. I got the feeling that she wanted to see me, but I didn't even try to make any plans with her. I just ended the conversation with, "You go have fun with your friends tongiht. Take the weekend and have a good time, and give me a call if you ever want to talk."

 

I feel much better about things that we talked, but did I handle things right? I feel that I did, but maybe I was too supportive of everything. Any thoughts?

[bzborow1]

You did a good job! But I think you should avoid saying stuff like, "i support you in your decision...etc"...because to me, this is just implicit. I would continue the course and see...be sure to keep us updated.

 

GL

[Azure13]

Hey there,

From a woman's perspective, I think shes being honest with you and really does just need time. She just wants to do whats best for herself and for the relationship with you, too.. I really think it'll work out fine, shes just trying to take care of herself right now. Just do like you've been doing, I think it'll work out.

[shockeddismayed]

Costners...

 

That is great news!

 

I think you handled the call well, however I agree with BZ... no need to flat out say that you support her decision. Saying it once is ok, but she'll know it by the fact that you even returned the call.

 

Some will disagree... but now that she knows you are there for her, you need to be unavailable for a few weeks. Let her feel the depth of her pain. It will help her sort things out one way or another. I know it sounds like game playing... but in my opinion, it is just as much a game if you stand by her closely and be there for her all the time. The reality is that she dumped you and needs to learn to be alone... without your support. For you to be there is displaying something other than reality. Ie: Reality is that if she doesn't change her mind, you will most likely be out of her life. Let her feel a taste of that possibility.

 

Good luck. In the meantime... the advice stands. Allow yourself some personal time to reflect on things. Build up your confidence and force yourself to get out there and experience life.

 

You'll need to be grounded and secure when she decides to give things another go... otherwise you risk having things mess up again. Based on my experience, and the other stories I've read over the past few months, I can't stress this part enough!!!!

 

Keep the faith... but keep on moving.

[IGotKostners]

Ok, I am an idiot.

 

So she calls me again today on my lunch break while I am at work. She is sounding very depressed, so I asked her what is going on. She then tells me that she misses me so much, how much she loves me, and she really wants to get back together, but is scared that she will have the same feelings a few months down the road again.

 

I really didn't know what to do in this situation. I wasn't expecting it already. I told her that I felt the same way, because I didn't want her to think I wasn't interested anymore. I told her that I thought that she had been over her ex for a long time. And that she was upset now because she was just starting to realize that they were not going to stay friends, and that upsets her. I know I shouldn't have said that, and I should have kept my opinions about her feelings out of things. I don't think things ended horribly though. I stopped myself in the middle of talking to her and told her that I was sorry, and that she didn't need to hear me talking all about this. She needed to figure things out for herself. And then she came back and said that she loved having conversations with me and it helps her sort things out better. So I don't have any clue what to do now. It is nice because she went back today to visit her parents for 4 days, so she will not be back until Tuesday. So that will give us time apart. I just plan on not calling or emailing her over this weekend, and we will see how things go from here. Can anyone give me advice as to what I should do now though? Did I handle things wrongly there? Thanks for the help though so far...It has helped me through things.

[IGotKostners]

In the last week, I've done things poorly, and I've done things well. I didn't talk to her last weekend. She called me up on Sunday and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I said sure, and we ended up sleeping together that night. I thought things were good then.

 

The next day, I was passing by her work while going to a friend's house, so I stopped in to say hi. She was acting weird, and reiterated to me that she needs space. I told her that she wasn't asking for space the previous night when we were hanging out. lol. She wasn't very happy about that, and then I left. I haven't called her once since. She calls me yesterday and asks if I want to hang out on Sunday. I told her that I would see what I was up to, and I'd let her know. And for her to give me a call this weekend. I am not sure if I should have slept with her or not, and I know I was dumb for stopping by her work, but I think I've done everything else this week right. My question is...should I hang out with her on Sunday? I know what will happen. We will watch a movie for like 20 minutes, and then we will start hooking up and end up sleeping together if we hang out. I think that is inevitable. Should I do this, or no?

[shockeddismayed]

Hmmm...

 

I don't think she is using you yet... but it is a big risk.

 

I think your strategy needs to be give a little then back off, then give a bit more.

 

After last weekend, I think it is a bit too early for you to sleep with her again. If I were you I would:

 

1) Leave her wondering about Sunday until later this weekend, then tell her you have plans, but that you'll call her "later". Then call her next wednesday and try to make plans for the weekend. Be friendly but confident... and don't talk about us. If she asks what your plans are, be aloof... "hanging out with a friend", or just chuckle and ask her why she wants to know. Keep her wondering... and keep her realizing REALITY... REALITY is that she let you go and has NO HOLD on you. If she wants you back to have some control, she is GOING TO HAVE TO COMMITT to it, not give you wishy washy answers.... of course you don't say this stuff... you simply convey it with your actions.

 

OR

 

2) Hang out with her... let HER try do seduce YOU a bit, and then say "woah... hold on, I don't think we should be doing this, we aren't together, and I don't want either of us to get hurt (implying SHE might get hurt by you). Wait until she's feeling attracted to you before you say this. Then once you've done this, you need to be light, cheery and flirtatious whenever you are in contact for the next week.

 

I think she wants to get back with you eventually, but if you make it easy on her, there is NO NEED for her to do it.... she can simply have her cake and eat it too. If she wants you back, she needs to ACCEPT ALL OF YOU... and she needs to KNOW thats what she wants... and she needs to ASK.

 

Don't give her the prize until she pays the admission. In the meantime, advertise the benefits (ie your best qualities) as best you can.

 

Good luck.

[IGotKostners]

Ok, so I just need to ask some advice from everyone here. In the last few weeks, I played things poorly at first. I pressed a little hard, but then I finally got the point. I broke things off and we went to NC for about 2 weeks. I would see her once or twice over those two weeks, but those were unavoidable, and I kept the conversations brief. Last week I went into the bar where she worked on Thursday and was hanging out. I didn't realize that she was working that night, but she was. We talked for a bit, and she asked me to come over her house after work to talk. We talked for a bit and kissed a little too. We then talked again on Saturday, and we got into a huge fight. I was so angry, and I was convinced that everything was over.

 

The next morning, she tried calling me 6 or 7 times, but I wouldn't answer. She text messaged me a bunch of times too, but I didn't respond. I was at a friend's place. Apparently she went to my house at noon, but I was not there. I got back to my place at 2, and she was sitting at my front door. She had a journal in her hand that she bought and wrote a bunch in it about how she was feeling. She then came in and we talked for a long time. I didn't think anything was going to come of all of it, mostly because I was still so mad about our fight the previous night. She was so sorry and apologetic about everything. But it's funny, we were talking one moment, and the next (I don't know how it happened), we just started kissing. It was very passionate and one thing led to another, and we ended up sleeping together. We talked for a while afterwards, and it happened again. It was wonderful.

 

Then the next day (yesterday), she called me up and we talked for an hour. She asked me if I wanted to hang out, and that was great too. I went into her work, and we spent 3 hours just talking. It felt great, and I definitely wasn't getting the same distant vibe from her that I was getting before. She was looking at me like she loved me again, and it felt wonderful. So I asked her if she wanted to go out on Friday night, and she accepted.

 

I have already surprised her with wonderful dates in the past, but I want to top them all this Friday. We were very touchy on the whole topic, but I have a strong feeling from her that she is realizing that she wants to be with me. I feel that this Friday could put everything over the top. Here is what I was thinking...If anyone has any suggestions to make anything better, or do anything differently, please let me know.

 

I plan on picking her up from her house at 8 with 3 roses in hand, and taking her to see some kind of show in the city. Then I want to follow that with a romantic dinner. But to top it all off, I plan on secretly checking into a hotel room earlier in the day and stocking it with candles, champagne, and massage oil. I plan on telling her that I have one more surprise for her. While I am about to get to the hotel, I will ask her to put on a blindfold. I will lead her up to the hotel room and sit her down on a chair, and then let her take off the blindfold to see that we are in a hotel room with all the candles and the bottle of champagne. I think this could be a wonderful night, and it will just "seal the deal".

 

She seemed excited about going out Friday as well, so I think she is definitely amped for it. I told her that I wasn't going to tell her what we were doing (mostly b/c I didn't know yet), so the surprise element is still there. I am really confident that this will work, but I am open to any suggestions. Please give any input that you all have. Thanks alot!