Dumper Grieving Process: Is this normal?

[Tryptophan]

I feel like I'm the only dumper here going through misery. Is it me or is dumpers out there who feel like pure crap after dumping the ex?

 

It's a mix of anger (the reasons for the break-up), doubt (Did I do the right thing? Should I come back?), and guilt (How is he feeling? Did I hurt him?).

 

I miss him more than he probably misses me. I wouldn't know. I blocked contact with him (even changed phone number) because it was too painful expecting him to find someone and I didn't want to be part of that. Though I've checked his FaceBook, there's no much action on there so I can't know what's going in his life. It just feels like I'm the one making it harder on myself to move on. I still cry, didn't cry for a whole week, but it started again today. A lot of times I find myself speculating, thinking that he's out partying, or being with other girls, or maybe he's in agony over the breakup (I hope not, only makes me feel more guilty). And honestly, I don't see why I still care. He's on my mind 80% of the time. It had gone down to around 50% in the past week, but today it's back up. It's been three months, obviously it's a Cheated version of NC, I don't even keep track of it anymore.

 

Anyway, what were you like when you dumped them, is it normal that I'm still tangled up this mess being that I'm the dumper?

 

Every time I hear a song like "Grenade", I find myself thinking that's how he feels about me. When I read people's posts on here, I think that's how he feels about me, and then I just feel like he must be going through hell. That means I still care but how can I not care, right? But how do you stop caring? Or how do you move on while still caring? It's so complicated.

[dumpedinshock]

i never dumped anyone, but i hope she feels like u do

[Madamdiva007]

Why did you break up with him?

[Tryptophan]

Mostly jealousy, it went out of my control and it was painful to be with him. My thoughts about him all revolved around him being with someone else though there was no reason to justify my beliefs. I was angry about it all the time, and it kind of reflected on the way I acted with him. I just wanted to pull out before I started treating him like crap because I loved him and didn't want to do that. I tried my best for it not to show, but it was just burning up inside. I guess you can say I have "trust issues" with everyone. As someone on here suggested, I get possessive of people and look at them as "objects" as my most valuable "possession", and even him talking to someone seemed like a threat when it really wasn't.

 

It's hard to make that sound logical but at the time it was really killing me. I couldn't even kiss him without thinking of his "best friend" (a female) doing the same.

[copepouches]

Sounds like you should be working on these trust issues, and then perhaps maybe just drop a line after you some things sorted out maybe things could be fixed up never know right?

[Tryptophan]

Don't think it would be fair to go back to him when I "fix" myself (doubt that will ever happen). He shouldn't have to wait for me either. Most likely he's already gonna have moved on too. That's one of the other things that tortures me.

 

i never dumped anyone, but i hope she feels like u do

 

It's no fun, I promise.

[Lea5251025]

Humm,you miss him because of you still love him？ Or, you're just very possessive towards him?(Obviously, it's not love)

[doubtfulwonder]

You don't have to answer if not comfortable. But do you have trust issues because of something that happened in your childhood or even a previous relationship? Maybe start tackling these issues and try to make sense of why you feel the way you do? If you can gradually resolve this internal conflict, you will be more ready to have a relationship with either him or someone else.

[Tryptophan]

Humm,you miss him because of you still love him？ Or, you're just very possessive towards him?(Obviously, it's not love)

 

It feels more like possessiveness. Just feels like a child being deprived of their favorite blanket and to some extent that child learns to love the blanket because it provides comfort and safety.

 

Sorry for the awkward analogy but that's the best I can explain it.

 

Regardless, I feel miserable.

[Tryptophan]

You don't have to answer if not comfortable. But do you have trust issues because of something that happened in your childhood or even a previous relationship?

 

Yes, there's some history of abuse involved. I've been to therapy to work through them but I just think it's an enduring pattern. I've probably been jealous in every relationship I've been in. Even with family I feel like someone has a favorite and it wasn't me. Despite constant reassurance proving otherwise, I always felt like there was some favoritism in favor of everyone else but me. With other people, everything is fine as long as I'm the center of their universe but once anyone else comes in the picture, hell breaks loose. I try to control it but then it becomes unbearable.

[dedem]

The only boy I've ever dumped cheated on me and then went on to propose to another girl-right in front of me.

 

So as you can imagine I blew straight past the depression stage.

 

I know it's tough when your guy has a female best friend. That being said, I think that your trust issues might need some extra therapy to fix, because to me it sounds like this is a bad habit of yours that you really ought to break.

 

Keep in mind you did the right thing by breaking up with him. If you cannot control your jealousy then it'll end up being miserable and unfair to him.

[hear_her_roar]

I've pretty much always been the dumper, and almost EVERY time I felt exactly the way you described.

 

I think you should look at it not from the "you dumped him" point of view, but view it as a loving relationship that came to an end. Regardless of who ended things you guys cared for one another, and now the relationship is over. No matter how you cut it, that's going to be hard for BOTH parties to deal with.

 

I don't agree with others when they say you probably want him back (of course only YOU know if you do or not) because you broke things off for a reason. That doesn't mean you're going to all of a sudden stop caring about him.

 

Dumpers have to heal after breakups too. Don't be so hard on yourself!

[Tryptophan]

I've pretty much always been the dumper, and almost EVERY time I felt exactly the way you described.

 

I think you should look at it not from the "you dumped him" point of view, but view it as a loving relationship that came to an end. Regardless of who ended things you guys cared for one another, and now the relationship is over. No matter how you cut it, that's going to be hard for BOTH parties to deal with.

 

I don't agree with others when they say you probably want him back (of course only YOU know if you do or not) because you broke things off for a reason. That doesn't mean you're going to all of a sudden stop caring about him.

 

Dumpers have to heal after breakups too. Don't be so hard on yourself!

 

 

It's good to hear from a dumper and know you felt like that too. Most people on here are all the ones that have been "let go" so it just kind of reminds me of how much pain I'm putting him through. I feel so much better now though, seriously. The problem is that we had friends in common and I refuse to talk to them because they usually bring up the fact that he's miserable and brokenhearted. It doesn't help the guilt trips so I don't hang around them either because I also fear they will tell me when he finds a "new" person. I kind of have to swallow the pain, or drown in it.

 

It's a difficult situation to be in but I'm getting there.

 

 

Keep in mind you did the right thing by breaking up with him. If you cannot control your jealousy then it'll end up being miserable and unfair to him.

 

I keep reminding myself of that too. It's for our own good. I would have hurt us both way more if it had ended badly for both of us, right? At least now we can both remember it with dignity once we heal.

 

You have no idea how bad it is to be the "jealous" type".

[bec83]

hey, i know what you're going through as i was the dumper too. It was the guilt that ate me up, even though you know in your gut you're doing the right thing; it's horrible knowing you're hurting someone else in the process.

 

It's easier if you try to separate how you feel in the healing process from how you feel about what you've done. Then work on your own healing as no one else can do that for you.

 

Things can only get easier once you forgive yourself, holding onto guilt and all these negative emotions is counterproductive as you did this for the best

[Tryptophan]

hey, i know what you're going through as i was the dumper too. It was the guilt that ate me up, even though you know in your gut you're doing the right thing; it's horrible knowing you're hurting someone else in the process.

 

It's easier if you try to separate how you feel in the healing process from how you feel about what you've done. Then work on your own healing as no one else can do that for you.

 

Things can only get easier once you forgive yourself, holding onto guilt and all these negative emotions is counterproductive as you did this for the best

 

Thanks. It's good to know someone out there feels the same way I do. I thought I was alone in this one but at the end, I think it ends up being worse for the dumpee. We have our reasons to end it but they only have the feeling of 'not being wanted' because they don't know the whole story. I can only hope he won't end up having negative feelings towards me.

[hear_her_roar]

The problem is that we had friends in common and I refuse to talk to them because they usually bring up the fact that he's miserable and brokenhearted. It doesn't help the guilt trips so I don't hang around them either because I also fear they will tell me when he finds a "new" person. I kind of have to swallow the pain, or drown in it.

 

I've been there! It's really terrible to go through but I think sometimes a breakup is one of the situations where you get to see how good a "friend" really is. I've lost lots of friends because of it... but on the other hand, some people who were mutual friends ended up maintaining relationships with BOTH me and my ex.

 

For now, my best advice would be to just keep avoiding them until the dust settles. Let them know that you're in a difficult place and also trying to move on from the relationship, and if they keep guilting you then let the friendship cool for a while.

 

Also, making it clear that you don't expect anyone to pick sides and you don't have any ill-feelings towards your ex can be helpful too.

[Tryptophan]

I've been there! It's really terrible to go through but I think sometimes a breakup is one of the situations where you get to see how good a "friend" really is. I've lost lots of friends because of it... but on the other hand, some people who were mutual friends ended up maintaining relationships with BOTH me and my ex.

 

For now, my best advice would be to just keep avoiding them until the dust settles. Let them know that you're in a difficult place and also trying to move on from the relationship, and if they keep guilting you then let the friendship cool for a while.

 

Also, making it clear that you don't expect anyone to pick sides and you don't have any ill-feelings towards your ex can be helpful too.

 

 

I've been avoiding them to keep my sanity. I guess it's okay to lose a couple of friends to keep my sanity. I'm getting better though which is good.

 

Thanks everyone.