Ex husband calls

[mrbig]

My gf and I have been living together for 2 1/2 years, both of us have been married before, my marriage ended in disaster, and she broke up due to 'health' problems on her husband's part to put it mildly.

 

Her ex-husband still calls every now and again which doesn't bother me too much to be honest but as she recently mentioned marriage, I informed her I will not be committing myself before all contacts cease. I know I might be selfish, but when my ex-wife used to call my gf used to sulk so much that I made it clear that I did not want any form of contact with her. This is what I wanted anyway but I noticed my gf getting very upset when I talked to my ex.

 

She says she loves her ex-husband in a different way etc. like the love a mother shows to her child and I can live with that. It's the marriage part that scares me, I have been through it once already and don't want to be taken for a ride again. Especially since he asks if she's still with me during the conversation and she says that they had the perfect marriage.

 

My gf is very committed to our relationship, so I really do not suspect foul play, but she gets very emotional sometimes and don't like the idea of her having her ex-husband talking to her about our personal life.

 

Am I right or am I just being a wuss?

[EatZ]

I've never been in your situation before so I can't begin to imagine what the emotional turmoil must be like. On the one had you're worried that the contact with her ex is a bad omen. On the other, you don't want to kick up a fuss because you're not like that all, and trust her with all your heart and soul.

 

In my opinion, if she's committed to the relationship like you say, she should be willing to make sacrifices for you and/or give you the reassurance you need.

 

You're not being controlling of her and you don't sound needy or clingy at all. I don't think she should have to do much to give you the peace-of-mind you're after. Ugh, sorry, I'm waffling... At any rate, yes, you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you are.

 

If you don't mind me asking (for a bit more insight)...

 

How much of her daily life does her ex-husband play? (i.e. how often does he/she call her/him).

 

Do they ever meet up?

[Maverick44]

I think that once in awhile contact is permissible. Sorry, but that's my opinion. If they both have gone through their phase of dealing with the break-up and are friends, I don't see the issue.

 

I can see why you'd feel like that, though.

 

Maverick

[mrbig]

Well her ex-husband is a foreigner and is living far away to meet up so that's not I'm worried about really.

 

She says she's entitled to speak to him once in a while cause he wouldn't do anything to break us up (unlike my ex-wife) but she says on one or two occasions he said he loves her and that she's always on his mind. Honestly I'm not worried about her going back to him, I just think that it's not right being such close friends if she plans on marrying me. She gets quite emotional at times and another separation would be disastrous for me.

 

I thank all of you for your time.

[EatZ]

Honestly I'm not worried about her going back to him...

She gets quite emotional at times and another separation would be disastrous for me.

Sounds to me like that's EXACTLY what you're worried about. Why else would you be mentioning how disastrous another seperation would be if you weren't worried about it?

 

It seems your gf is open and honest enough to tell you the things that her ex-husband says (i.e. that he loves her still, etc...), and that's definitely a gold star to her name. She obviously doesn't hide anything from you, even things that could potentially hurt you, so I think she's a very honest and trustworthy gf. Lucky you!

 

Also, since the contact between them is a lot more sporadic than I initially thought, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Or to be more blunt, you don't have a reason to be concerned -- at least not in your gf's eyes.

 

Communication is the key. Unless you've done this topic to death with her, talk to her about it. Sounds like you already know her point of view more than well though, so I doubt she's still willing to give up a good friend -- even if it is her ex-husband -- for what she probably thinks is a twinge of worry on your part.

 

Your terms are your terms though. If you're not ready for marriage until she's rid of him completely, then so be it. I have my own needs and wants before marriage is even ready to be considered too!...

 

... just remember, the past is the past. She can't change hers, and you can't make her suffer for yours (i.e. you can't demand things of her because you were hurt terribly by your last seperation, and are worried about it happening again). "Suffer" is too strong a word though, sorry!

 

She could probably do more to make you feel at ease though, which was more or less my initial point. Hope this helps.

 

Take care!

[TrueHeart]

I also agree that once in a while is permissable, even just to say hi every now and then-- but quite honestly, if its for health reasons, HE really needs to get a grip that his ex-wife has moved onto another relationship. Even though the love she has for him is a doting one, like mother and child-- she needs to really understand that she is NOT his mother and HE is NOT her child.

 

I do not blame you for not committing until all communications cease, for that would be complicated on both of your sides. Perhaps you might need to sit down and help her understand that you love her, you're NOT jealous of the time, but you feel that if you take your relatioship into a committed marriage, you do not want anything to really take away from YOUR time with her as her NEW husband. If she is committed to the relationship, and sees how much this might bother you-- atleast I hope she would come to a compromise if not completely understand where you are coming from.

 

This seems a little more complicated than you are letting on, so I don't know how much help this can be..