tying to figure myself out

[diverp]

Okay. I am in a long distance relationship with someone and we have a semi strained reltionship because of that distance. Another issue is that she suffers from depression, dislikes her job and is trying to make some friends where she lives (she has lived there for 2 years and has no friends).

 

So, on my part, I have gotten a little pushy about wanting to spend time withe her. That has sort of pushed her away, but by no means permanently. We still are together.

 

Here is what I am embarking on. I want to figure out a problem of mine. First, when she told me she needs a little bit of space as dictated by her therapist, I took it very personally. I got seriously depressed myself. I almost feel like everything in my life was dependant on the future with her. I felt like my entire life was being ripped out from under me. And after I looked at it in depth, I simply see that I want someone who will unconditionally love me. I have never had that, even with family. When I date and my hopes get up that I will find a source for this, I get elated (a normal reaction). Now, I also know that it isn't just receiving love from just anybody. It is from her. I have never found anyone I can talk to like I can with her. I have never found anyone who makes me as happy as she can. I have never found anyone who is as similar as we are.

 

Her therapist told her that one temporary problem is that we are so similar and that is a partial cause of friction between us. Now, we are still together, but we are (agreeably) taking a little distance from each other. If things were to work out so we could be in the same city, we would be able to spend so much more time together. It is tough.

 

So, what I see is that I so much want that kind of love that I really can push a lot of love on her and most likely smother her. I send her flowers every 5 weeks or so. I tell her that I love her. A lot of things I am doing would be fine if we were together in the same city. However, we have the distance and that is making it tough.

 

My first question, in this quest to improve myself, is how to deal with this overwhelming desire to be loved and how not to let that dictate my actions with her and, possibly, forcing her away from me in the future. I want the best to happen with us as I know she does. I want to take care of this before it gets out of hand, kind of a pre-emptive analysis and handling.

 

Thank you for your help.

[ang3l2004]

Wow I was very interested in your post because I am currently going through the same thing but mabe a bit diff,It is so hard the thing that is diff with me is that we did break up and it is the worse feeling that someone can feel I to felt as if my world ended and was so miserable and still am,I would like to say in my opinion that mabe everything that you posted on here you should try to talk to her about it mabe that can help,I cant really help you with much since im going through a really tough time in my life right now but our problems were very similar,I hope everything works out for you and everything gets sorted out and anytime you need to talk about this please feel free to pm me because I know just how hard it can be good luck and sorry I could not be much help

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

I went through a similar situation also and it did lead to a break up, I had to go through the long disance part because we were away from each other for the summer. My ex tends to be depressed when she is at home. She started to act really weird last christmas, spring break, and this summer. We ended breaking up. I scared me when she went home. I love her and i did push her and that drove her away. The best thing is space, i look back at everything and i say to myself "if i only gave her the space i'd still be with her." It bothered me when she was depressed and i wanted her to know that i was there to talk to and i cared and when she was depressed i wanted to know what was wrong and i pushed ehr to far there and it drove her away.

I know its hard to give space, and really easy to push love, i am the same way. What i felt with my ex i have never felt anyone. I never really felt loved at all until i met her ( i didn't even feel love from my family). It was really easy to get scared, worried and excited to much. Definetly give her the space, she will come to you when she is ready, it takes patience, i know its hard. It takes time and patience. I am intrested about how everything goes because i went through similar situations and feelings. keep us posted.

[diverp]

mylifeisasoapoprea,

 

What you said sounds EXACTLY like what I am going through right now. My girlfriend has the depression and has great difficulty in accepting help or love from anyone. SHe has terrible relationships with everyone in her life except for her mother. She would feel depressed and I would be very loving to her and supportive because I assumed this was helping. I assumed that she needed support and a sense of security from someone loving her. It seems to have the opposite affect on her. I think it gives her a sense of love that she has lacked as well. It elates her and then causes a big drop afterwards. This drop is what she fears. It is enough to make her want no love from anyone so as not to be vulnerable (at least I think this is how it is playing out). I am making my distance and being a fantastic LISTENING friend to her right now and she is very acceptive to that. She really needed this time to simplify her life. There were so many bad things up in the air for her.

 

Now, as far as I am concerned, I am terrified that I am going to long for her loving and break and get pushy with her. It scares the heck out of me to be honest. I am trying to figure myself out in order to understand where the "irrational" and uncontrollable urge comes from to seek this love from her. I know it is not a terrible thing, but I need to learn how to effectively get around it and handle the relationship with her best interests in mind as well as staying sane myself.

 

Again, thanks for your post, it really helps a lot and I appreciate it.

[MD]

What to say other than I have lived what you are going though, almost 3 years now. Oh, there are so many things I want to say, so many things that I've been through, so I guess I'll start from the beginning...

 

Meet her in college, knew her as a close friend, moved back home, meet up with here 2 years latter, kicked things off. At the time I lived about 1,000 miles from her, lots of phone calls, lots of emotions. I moved to the same state to get closer to her, and then one day, it was gone! Everything we shared, gone. Ya, it suxed a lot, and to this day I sill think about her.

 

The only thing is, I did push her when she said she needed space, but I cared TOO MUCH to let it go. I wanted to share her pain, because I cared that much, only to push her away. Through out my life, I have always been the one that people look to for advice, but in this situation, there was no one for me to turn to, not that it wasn't offered, but that they did understand my sistuation. Foolish, indeed, regrettable, defiantly, but on that note, it taught me some very important lessons of life.

 

1. "To love is to have the ability to let go."

2. "Time DOES heal all wounds."

3. "The roads that we walk are swept clean with the dusts of time, and the roads before us are ours to chose, yet, even though the past is what it is, there is always that lingering echo of experience that guides us to where we walk today. Let us not repeat our past, but let it guide us to the better of what we are, who we are, and what we want to become."

4. "No fear, no regrets…"

 

Number 4 is one that we shared a lot, her and I. And I did what I did because we so agreed with it, but then again, was it really the right thing to do? Now that you know a little more about what I went through, I hope I can shed a little light here. Although my story does not have a happy ending, I did take a lot of the advice she gave me and made something out of it. For all the things that I have since accomplished, I have her to thank, even knowing that I will probably not have the chance to ever thank her. So here it goes...

 

Always let that person know that you will be there for them, both for the good and bad, and reassure them that you are sincere about that. If they ask for some space, give it. Be the shoulder to lean upon, not the shoulder that pushes. Depending on your situation let them know that you WILL be there as that position.

 

I was once told that a person that does not learn from their mistakes is stupid, a person that learns from their mistakes is smart, and a person that learns from others is wise. Knowing what I went through, I only hope that I may be given the opportunity to make many people wiser through my mistakes.

 

Best wishes, and good luck.

[diverp]

Well, here is what I have been doing. I have been doing stuff to keep me busy, but that still doesn't get rid of the sadness of this stuff. I have played volleyball, went to the gym and have done some yard work. The only thing that has really worked has to spend time with some friends and laugh my butt off. That has really helped.

 

So, I had very little contact with her this week (actually none). I finally talked with her last night (she called). I have been a little more upbeat the last couple of days, but I am still missing her a lot. She sounded really depressed. She played some of her intramural ultimate Frisbee and is still convinced that they don't want her there playing. The same women who play that, also go on bike rides on Sundays and my girlfriend goes along, but again, feels out of place and like she is not wanted.

 

I still have a hard time getting over the fact that she wants to spend more time trying to make female friends with these people who obviously don't want to, than being with me. It is something her therapist wants her to do and it is a healthy thing.

 

The other thing is that she really doesn't get the whole differing levels of friendship. She can sit there on the phone and tell me anything and I can do the same with her. However, she has never had that with anyone before. She doesn't seem to get that there are friends who you can tell stuff to, and there are friends who you do some fun things with, but aren't really close to. She just doesn't get that distinction and figures it must be all or nothing.

 

Anyways, we talked like we normally do and she seemed very down still. It was weird when she commented on me sounding happier. She is so guarded at times. She is depressed, I talk with her and cheer her up, she is all happy and tells me that she is really happy that I am being understanding about this, then I tell her that I agree and it is still nice to hear from her and she gets quiet like she is uncomfortable. It is like she wants something and wants to be with me, but is holding back a lot for whatever reason.

 

Anyways, I have gotten a little better at not being so mushy with her and I think I am doing well as long as I can keep up with the close talk and showing her I still care for her without forcing anything. In the meantime, I am also looking for a possible change in job to the city where she is. If I do this, it has to be to a job that is either very similar, or better than what I have now (which will be tough to find). That way, neither of us will feel guilty or resentful if things don't work out in the long run. But, I really want to give everything as full of a chance as possible with her. She is fantastic and we are really good together, bar the things I have mentioned.

 

I'll keep to myself for a few days again and maybe chat with her on Sunday and see how she is doing. She is fantastic but she really just doesn't see herself the way I see her and that is tough.

[diverp]

Oh yeah, one more thing. What the heck is it with some women and wanting "space to figure things out". I am not putting it down, but I did a little search on this and it is a very common thing. I have seen a lot of people where they have taken the time apart and have gotten back together very strong, and I have seen some where they push too much and wreck the relationship and trust. I know there must be some guys that do this as well, I am not trying to pin this only on women. But, it just seems odd to me that so many women and/or guys want this. What does it really mean? It has to mean different things to different people. I originally just assumed it was short for "I don't want to see you any longer, but I just don't have the courage to tell you straight out". However, I have seen some people who really did just need a little time to think things over and get their head straight and they have gotten back together. Very mysterious to me.