I can't stop thinking about his ex

[laboheme]

My significant other and I just had a long, detailed conversation about our past. It was all his idea; I generally don't want to hear about people's exes and never really wonder about their romantic past. I like to know the basics (whether the guy has relationship experience and whether there is any baggage in the form of STDs, kids, or psycho exes who might come after me), but other than that, I don't particularly care, since he's with me now. Still, he convinced me that the conversation would reveal interesting things about our personalities, lifestyles, etc., so we ended up having it, even though I knew it was a bad idea.

 

And it was. A baaaaaaad idea.

 

One girl in particular came up a lot, and I got the impression that their relationship had a profound impact on him, and that she was far above the rest of the girls he dated in almost all respects. So now I can't stop comparing myself to her to see if I measure up. Never mind that they only dated for a short time several years ago and that they haven't spoken since then! Still, even though she's not a "threat," I feel like I'm competing with her and that I may never be good enough...despite the fact that our relationship has already surpassed theirs in length, and he hasn't given me any reason to think that he's not happy with me.

 

Moral of the story: don't have this kind of conversation, kids. I'm going crazy.

[Unknown1607307972]

How long have you been with him?

 

The issue of comparing yourself to an ex of your partner is what brought me to this site in the first place. I became obsessed with this girl, hating her and feeling completely inferior. I was totally irrational and would bring myself to tears picturing them having sex or being intimate with eachother. I felt I wasn't good enough, that I was constantly having to compete to mean more to him. I tend to want to know only the very basics about a guy's dating history too and I don't want to hear about their ex much.

 

But funnily enough over time it really died down, I seriously was obsessed, and now while I don't exactly like hearing about her I don't feel the crazy hate and jealousy I used to. I feel uncomfortable if his family mention her (which isn't that often to be fair) but normally now I am fairly accepting of the past.

[pillowtalk]

EVERYONE has a past, one that is full of past loves, break up and heartbreak. It's something we all have in common.

 

As long as he doesn't bring her up again, then there's nothing to be worried about. I understand the obsession though!

[laboheme]

How long have you been with him?

 

We've been seeing each other for about half a year now, although the actual label only came a couple of months ago (but we were exclusive the whole time).

 

EVERYONE has a past, one that is full of past loves, break up and heartbreak. It's something we all have in common.

 

As long as he doesn't bring her up again, then there's nothing to be worried about. I understand the obsession though!

 

Oh, I know that everyone has a past. I know I do. And I know I'm being irrational about this -- I just don't know how to deal with it.

[Unknown1607307972]

We've been seeing each other for about half a year now, although the actual label only came a couple of months ago (but we were exclusive the whole time).

 

I spent about a year and a half obsessing because I am just that crazy. Honestly if I can learn to come to terms with it anyone can, it takes time, and does your boyfriend know how you've been feeling? I found talking calmly to my boyfriend really helped as he killed off some of the images I had of them. In my head they lived an epic romance that could inspire novels and poetry, in reality it was a relationship that wasn't perfect.

[FathomFear]

Well, I see this as a sense of realism. There's no doubting the fact that you don't "measure up" to his ex in some ways. But there's also no doubting that she doesn't "measure up" to you in others. No one is perfect and "wins" in every area.

 

Luckily it isn't a competition so there's no need to worry.

[Unknown1607307972]

I believe that my boyfriend sees me as better for him than his ex pretty much all round (not me being arrogant, he tells me), that doesn't mean I am better than her in general, she is probably better than me to someone else. I don't believe one must always feel they will be inferior in some way as inevitable as what is good and bad in a relationship is subjective.

[Tryptophan]

When relationships are over, we tend to remember the good stuff about people because to rid us of pain, our mind sort of clears the bad stuff for us after a while. He might just be remembering the good stuff, what he's telling you or has told you. However, you have to remember they broke up so obviously there was something that didn't work with her but there's no need to keep that in our memory - or his, in this case - hurt us, right?

[geekgirl4]

Well, I see this as a sense of realism. There's no doubting the fact that you don't "measure up" to his ex in some ways. But there's also no doubting that she doesn't "measure up" to you in others. No one is perfect and "wins" in every area.

 

Luckily it isn't a competition so there's no need to worry.

 

This is fantastic advice. And ten to one, that relationship is being idealized because it was short and in the height of the honeymoon. The real great stuff in a relationship comes afterwards, when you guys really get to know each other and bond even tighter. Don't compare because its not a competition.

[Papi]

Dont hate him for his past. I am going through that now! I am in the brink of divorce over my past which is not fair.