Erectile Dysfunction, help me out :(

[Ministottie]

Hey, I'm back again after "sorting" my relationship. My boyfriend of 15 months has stopped having sex with me for almost 2 months now. It has been in decline since we had a couple of problems around 6 months ago, but now it just does not exsist. He says he hates sex and barely masturbates because he can get an erection but he can't keep it. He says the stress of thinking he is going to lose it if we have sex stops his desire.

 

I support him and never pester him for sex. I wanted to relieve some of the stress of thinking he can't please me, but he refuses to do anything to help the situation. He will not visit a doctor, or talk to anyone about it and I honestly can't cope being in a completely sexless relationship.

 

He is 21 years old, and no he isn't gay. He is lovely to me in every other way but when it comes to sex it just isn't a part of our lives anymore and I do not know what to do.

 

If anyone could offer advice of how to cope or how to help him it would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Circe]

I understand completely - but I have to tell you that if he refuses to get some outside help then nothing is going to change. He is avoiding sex to prevent the anxiety and dissappointment and frustration he feels in not being able to maintain an erection. Avoidance "works" - because he no longer has to experience those things - and so he keeps doing it. When you finally convince him he has to try - the same thing happens (he cant maintain it and feels awful) and the cycle of avoidance starts over. This isnt something he can work through by himself.

 

Often the fact is this kind of thing is extremely difficult to change. He has to be able to experience having an erection and not losing it in order for his fear of losing it (and therefore his avoidance of sex) to be reduced - but as you realise - he cant make himself not lose it so he never has that experience.

 

Theoretically a psychologist could help - but its a very difficult thing to achieve - it could take a long time and it could do more harm than good depending on who you see.

 

There are also pelvic floor muscle exercises he can do. There were studies done on men with EDs. One test group used viagra and the other test group just did pelvic floor exercises. Eventually both groups showed the same result! However these exercises -you have to do a lot of them and really persist with it. If you can get a GP to connect you up with a physiotherapist who deals with vaginismus she/he might know what I'm talking about here.

 

The other option - which is an "easy" option but potentially expensive is viagra or cialis or whatever other drugs they have out there. They do work.

 

I think him refusing to do something about this is not an option and I can guarantee that if that continues your relationship wont. So you have to get him to commit to resolving this issue. He has to realise its not ok by you, its not fair by you. Its one thing if he is doing everything he can and nothing is working - but its NOT ok for him not to be doing everything he can and effectively forcing you to go without sex because he's too embarassed to get help.

 

Yes this can be extremely embarassing for men to talk about - but once he does he'll realise its not that bad talking to professionals abou tthis - they are amazingly good at putting you at ease and the first thing they do is go on and on about the gazillions of couples facing the same issues. I hope this helps - the upshot is there is stuff that can be done but he does need to commit to doing something about it.

[Ministottie]

That helps a lot thank you. I know he needs help, I've known for a while, its just getting him to take it. He is so stubborn it is unbelievable. I've even been pushed to the extent of telling him to see a doctor or we're over. I feel so selfish sometimes, and I can't even begin to imagine what he is going through but I can't carry on. I just can't. I'm 20, and should be in the prime of my sex life. I've offered him so many options, from giving him time to breathe without me to starting at first base again, but he just needs to realise I can't help him as much as he needs.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It was a great help.

[Capricorn3]

I agree 100% with Circe above. There is no way you will be able to help him overcome this problem. The ONLY way to get this sorted out is for him to see his GP and take it from there. This will not get fixed by burying his head in the sand and ignoring it. He needs help from any doctor trained in that specific field. Also, it seems it has now escalated to a strong case of psychological issues and that is even more reason to seek proper help.

[Circe]

That helps a lot thank you. I know he needs help, I've known for a while, its just getting him to take it. He is so stubborn it is unbelievable. I've even been pushed to the extent of telling him to see a doctor or we're over. I feel so selfish sometimes, and I can't even begin to imagine what he is going through but I can't carry on. I just can't. I'm 20, and should be in the prime of my sex life. I've offered him so many options, from giving him time to breathe without me to starting at first base again, but he just needs to realise I can't help him as much as he needs.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It was a great help.

 

I have been through this so I know what it feels like for you - I know how it can really tear you up emotionally and make you go through a whole range of awful emotions. With my husband, he was willing to get help - but we had to see soooo many people before we finally found someone who helped us successfully - and in between seeing different sources of help, we'd go through long patches of time where my H would lose the motivation to keep looking for help - and it was always those times where he seemed to "give up" that were the most difficult for me.

 

Dont feel selfish about pushing for this - because in the end - it's not really an ultimatum - it's the truth. You won't be able to stay in this relationship forever if he doesn't do something to try and resolve the problem. I came from a very traditional background (though I like to think with an independent and strong mind of my own) where I valued not having sex before marriage and very much believed that there's a lot more to marriage than sex (and of course still believe that) and got married to someone I love dearly knowing this was an issue. I very much believe marriage is a once in a life time thing - but I know now that even for me, if he'd refused to get help and the refusal had persisted, our r'ship would have ended. Not because of the lack of sex - but because the lack of sex was difficult for me - and I'd need to know that I was dealing with it because life had dealt me that blow (ie he had done everything he could but there was no solution) - not because my husband himself had dealt it by refusing to get help.

 

So - you are completely entitled to your feelings on this issue and you should never ignore them or feel guilty for having them. Good luck.